...And among the stress that inevitably occurs when one becomes so busy, the greats almost seem to become greater - in greater frequencies, as though the space between each becomes lesser and lesser...
Backtrack...hahaha oh man, here we go - good thing I have messenger histories and (to a lesser extent) calendars to help me remember things a little better...
May 3rd brought about an early shift at work, which was pretty ridiculous following my last all-nighter update, hahaha! My meeting afterward was actually moved to the next day, as a lot of changes were underway at the office. Phew! That would've been tiring, considering the all-nighter I pulled for my last update, haha. Since it was cancelled, I napped...for about six hours, heh, oops.
The next day, I went to the rescheduled meeting. Then I worked a weird 2pm-5pm shift. So random. Looks like I spent the rest of the day in my underthings, catching up on chores like laundry and such. I went to bed relatively early that night...for once, ha.
I had messaged Josh for the first time in a few days prior to my trip planned for that weekend, and since I hadn't seen him in YEARS, I suggested we hangout - and even invited him to join me that Saturday night. He was free, and he agreed (yay!) so he had given me his number to call him at some point while I was there.
The next day I woke up pretty early and made a trip out to Lime Ridge for some random errands. I wanted to get my hair cut that day, but the place I've grown fond of was completely booked up, pooh. As per usual, I bought piles and piles of shit I don't really need - however, I use everything I buy, so I suppose that's better than buying shit I don't need AND never use. Right? Anyway...
When I got home, I made a last minute appointment to get my eyebrows done. I ran over, and before I left, I got a complimentary - and sososo pretty - makeup application! So fun. I made a quick stop at home to touch it up (I'm picky about my makeup, what can I say?) and got everything ready for my trip that night. I checked some messages, and left Joel some messages. Then, I ran to work, as I had a 5-9 shift that night. Joel called at one point, and I told him he should join me on my adventure. As chance would have it, he had plans in Toronto that night, so I talked him into leaving a bit later than he had planned, so we could take the bus together! He met me at work, and we took the bus from the store right to the GO Station.
I brought a bottle of Tough Shit with me (heh) and drank it on the bus. I rested my head on Joel's shoulder for most of the ride; I may or may not have fallen asleep for a while, I don't remember exactly. When we got to Toronto, we...wandered around. I didn't exactly have the clearest directions to the party, haha oops. Joel was actually pretty patient with me through most of it. We saw a Hummer limo and Joel cracked a joke about how Cities In Dust was probably inside, ahaha.
Eventually, wandering around on foot wasn't cutting it, so we decided to hop in a cab. Of all cabs, we hopped into the one belonging to Mr. Geography. I'm not joking. We didn't get a single one right - and he answered our questions with no hesitation. After some more looking (the instructions were a bit more vague than I thought, oops) Joel got a bit frustrated, as it was getting fairly late, so he hopped out of the cab.
Honestly, I started to panic a little bit. I asked the driver if he had a cell, let alone if he would mind me using it. He didn't mind in the slightest. When I called Deja, she told me to look for an open front door - we were only a few houses away. Relief! I told her I'd see her in a minute, and gave the driver his cell back...and rounded up the fee by a few dollars. :)
My goodness, Deja's father's loft was gorgeous. I was so overwhelmed just wandering around, looking around - especially on the balcony! What a terribly gorgeous view...too bad it was a bit rainy (and juuust a bit too cold) that night. Once I finished off the Tough Shit I didn't drink any more - I did have a bit of coffee though, I was pretty tired by then, hahaha. I met some really nice people that night. This one guy looked JUST LIKE MATTY SPIRZGLAS AAAH. Haha. Around 3am, maybe closer to 4am, I intended to "gather my bearings," we'll say...and basically ended up starting to fall asleep, haha. I found a spot upstairs on a LEOPARD PRINT COUCH. My liiife. It kinda sucked 'cause I didn't have a blanket (there was none left to be had, growf) and it was a bit too firm - countless times, I'd wake up because I wasn't comfortable anymore, but I couldn't move or I'd freeze! It sucked at the time, but looking back it's pretty funny to think about.
I woke up still a wee bit cold, and with the BIGGEST pain in my hip kinda extending into part of my bum. Worst. I washed up and changed and took in more of the loft with a different perspective - a day one, haha. Gradually, everyone that stayed woke up. We lazed around sharing favorite moments from the night. We helped put things away and helped clean everything up - I helped Deja wash the grime off the stairs, haha. We collected our belongings, and headed out for breakfast together.
We went to a place at the end of Deja's street, a little corner restaurant. OH MAN, best french toast of my fucking life. I told everyone about the smokeout my friend Rebecca had told me about, how I'd be meeting her and Monica there at some point, and I invited them all to join me; someone let me use their cell to find out where they were, and a couple people from the group decided they'd come along with me. After a slow, long breakfast, we headed back toward Deja's place. She and her boy stayed there, and the rest of us - Miranda, and two boys (whose names I forget, as I am an asshole) wandered off to find Queen's Park.
We ended up wandering all over, with more cell-borrowing to catch up with Rebecca, hahaha. Through our talks, one of the guys was saying how he wished there was a TV show featuring nothing but hungover people, the morning after a party - so funny. After so much more wandering, I suggested we hop in a cab, but that was vetoed. I got grouchy after a while 'cause my ass still ached from sleeping on that couch, haha. We passed by the Edge, and stopped there for a bit. The Strokes were going to be there in about an hour, but we decided that we really wanted to get to the park, so we left. So close, and yet so far! Haha.
After a few more phone calls to Rebecca, we FINALLY found the park. I called one last time as we got closer, and then I finally found my ladies! And oh, the smoking...sooo much smoking, haha. Apparently 20000 people were there. That's amazing if it's anywhere near accurate, ha! The weather was so perfect that day, so perfect.
A while later, one of the boys suggested we go to his friend's squash tournament. I said goodbye to Rebecca and Monica, and we left. What a strange experience...I think I lasted a whole match before Miranda came and sat by me, asking if I felt as awkward - and as hungry - as she did. We decided to leave, and said goodbye to the guys.
We walked around for a bit, trying to pick somewhere to go for dinner. Of all places, we settled on the Hard Rock Café, haha! I ate expensive french fries. They were pretty good though, so I can't complain. We had a really nice chat while we ate - actually, that whole time was full of nice chats! We walked a little more, and then eventually Miranda had to catch a bus back to Hamilton. She looked so worried that she'd be leaving me to wander around on my own, but I assured her I'd be fine, and we parted ways.
I wandered around Queen Street for a while, knowing that there had to be an internet café around somewhere...I decided not to bother trying to find a payphone. I walked too far in one direction before asking someone where I might find one - and with their direction, backtracked and found it. I wasn't logged in for much longer than a minute before he messaged me with a big WHERE ARE YOUUU! I told him where I was, and to come get me, haha. I waited outside and gave him a giant hug when he got there.
Josh was pretty tired (and so was I, by then) so we went to a coffee shop that frequents. I didn't get anything though. He told me about Toronto, his favorite stores, his experiences throughout the time he's been there. We talked, and he shared some huge words with me - huge thoughts.
I'm glad he was there for that talk.
I missed him so much, but could have missed him so much more.
He told me about the boy he's fond of these days. The connection they share seems so lovely, so real. I'm so happy for him.
We stopped by his place, and I fixed myself up a bit. We wandered over to Paddy Murphy's and spent time outside for a while. Jeff wasn't even there yet! Haha. We went inside and sat at a booth, and Josh bought us drinks, mmm cranberry.
A little while later, Jeff got there, and we dancedancedanced. Oh, he gave me a FAMOUS PLAYER$ mix! I listened to that for so many days, hahaha. Mandy was there too! I don't even remember the last time I saw her pretty face before that, gosh. The Strokes didn't show up, surprise surprise haha. Someone had taken a poster off the wall and rolled it up, and just left it on one of the benches, so I took it, HAH! There were some pretty interesting characters there that night...definitely a different vibe from the last time I came out to see them, haha.
When we left, we stopped by a pizza place - I was SO hungry ahaha. I got a really amazing slice of cheese pizza...oh man, so good. Whatever they did different, they did really well, haha. As we continued along our trek back to his apartment, Josh mentioned how we were close to his favorite little store. He said we should go there sometime. As he approached the door I laughed; it was well past 1am! And then...ding!...he opened the door for me. It was seriously open, I was so stunned. And what a cute little shop! All kinds of jewelry, incense, carved goods...amazing. Next time I hope I have more money so I'm not terrified of being too broke to get back to Union Station on time, haha! We finally got back to his apartment, and quietly went to his room, heh...
The next morning, Josh told me he saw me shiver in my sleep. Bahaha. He walked me out, and gave me PERFECT directions back, haha! I decided to walk there, the weather was so amazing. Of course, I stopped off at McDonald's for a meatless Big Mac meal. A man remarked about how I must be vegetarian, and how that was an "interesting" order, heh. He was pretty nice though. I got to my bus in more than enough time, hooray!
The girl sitting behind me spent most of the ride on her phone, saying something about an audition she had coming up.
And bathing suits.
And former awkwardness, and future awkwardness, like it was nothing - really, nothing.
It really was nothing. No pretense, no charade.
That simply will not be me.
I got off the bus quite near my house, and took my time getting ready for the evening. Yep, I never stop, hahaha. After a few hours, I bathed, and then eventually did my hair and makeup and everything. Then I went to the Underground. I forget the whole lineup, but it doesn't matter - I was just going to see We're Marching On, I think they were playing second. UGH SO GOOD. I hadn't seen them since Murdered City! It was the one boy's birthday, fuck, I forget his name every time...regardless, his dark-haired bandmate's tangled-hood double-hoodie business bothered me senseless, and much hilarity ensued from that, heh.
Then...I said goodbye to them and ran off to the Casbah! Haha. Mayor McCa was playing his first show in Hamilton since his goodbye show, awww. Holyyy funny. Oh man, the way he sang One Million Songs For You...the instruments were basically recorded, and he kinda paced back and forth singing with it, swinging his arms like a little kid, behind himself and then in front of himself. It was so wonderful!
The next morning (May 8th...this really IS going to be a long entry...) I was up early for something, I just don't know what that was. Maybe one of those pre-audition-day rehearsals I arranged? Ah, well. I worked with Zach that evening, and had rehearsal of my own after work.
Apparently I didn't work the next morning, as I was originally scheduled...odd. That night I definitely attended my summer school class for the first time. I totally signed up for it at the last possible chance, haha. Talk about falling behind...more than usual. Ha. The following day (the 10th) I worked a morning shift, and then auditioned somebody. On my way home, I decided to stop in at a little clothing shop in Westdale...and tried on a CUTE black dress. I went home...and got my debit card and went back to buy it, heh. SO CUTE!
Danny came over that night to hangout. We smoked, I shared a whole bunch of music with him. I am bad with words and I was a jerk when he saw me to the bus, haha ugh. I went to Lisa's house, and we headed off to the Underground, as we both obtained free passes for that night's show one night, when we went to a show together at the Casbah sometime a week or two prior. Since it was free, we basically went to support Zach, and then planned to meet up with Ben at the Casbah, heh. I sat where Zach usually gets up on, hoping to prevent him from doing so - Lisa sat there with me. Well, he went for it near the end of their set, regardless...and cracked his head off of a light, effectively falling on top of us. Hilarious. He said something like "we're Cities In Dust, and we're never playing Hamilton again, goodnight." Haha, worst.
After their set, we headed down to the Casbah. HOLY CRAP, DRUMS AND TUBA. What ridiculous music, oh boy. I remember hanging out in the Lounge, too, but I don't remember what was happening in there that night. I may or may not have made a trip to Absinthe that night, too. In any case, I definitely didn't get home until like 3am. Fun night overall!
The next day (May 11th) I know I had night class, and I remember not being able to go buy my books (for night class) that day, for some reason. I pulled an all-nighter to clean my room that night...not just because I am a fool (ha) but it was getting really terribly gross. I mean, really. The following morning, I took a webcam shot of the dust pile I gathered. Gag-worthyyy. Dust and glitter and hair and...sand? Whatever it might have actually been, it doesn't matter. I'm pretty gross, basically.
...I guess that's what happens when you're busy being a rockstar, hahhh.
I handed in my 4A06 ("Honours Performance Project") proposal that day.
I was fine until I waited by the elevators to leave...
Then I started to feel nauseous, short of breath;
Then I realized, I just had to wait. There was nothing more I could do.
I went to the Casbah Lounge that night (the 12th) to see Trevor and Mike be DJs, heh. I had so many other places to go to, but I'm pretty sure I just stayed there all night. For once...haha.
And then sleeping in until the late afternoon the next day.
And sleeping through the storm that rocked the power supply on my computer.
SO MADDENING!
Thankfully, Leeann is a wonderful housemate, and she was with me the whole, frustrating way to getting it fixed! Awww. :) We ordered pizza together that night. I got to bed around 1am, in the hopes of getting myself back into a normal sleeping routine. It...almost worked, ha.
I worked on the 14th, also spending some time with Lisa and my dear friend karaoke, haha! That was pretty fun.
The next night was my audition date for the play I'm directing, IRIS (it stands for several words but psh, IRIS will suffice for this entry, haha). It was a slooow, looong night, phew. Considering not many people showed up, it went relatively well...even though that wasn't the last of the auditions I would see.
Sigh.
Anyway.
The following day (May 16th), I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the bus...I had to go way the hell out to the east end of the city for stupid x-rays for my orthodontist, and their west office machine apparently broke. I haven't had braces since BEFORE high school, god. If my next appointment isn't my final one, I'm going to be so unhappy...as great as he is, I mean...come on...anyway, that night, my night class ended early! Haha yay! I'm pretty sure I spent time with Lisa for a while that night, since class ended early and all. Good times.
The next day, my mother came to see me! She took me to the grocery store. :) After she left, I walked out to the lil' ol' salon to pay for the lil' ol' package deal I managed to score: a manicure, pedicure, and facial, scheduled for the end of the month. Best self-present EVER, haha. I had a meeting regarding IRIS, then a quick bank visit to arrange and change some things. I think that was the night I went to see Le Premier Jardin, really interesting concept to that play - Marisa probably doesn't even realize how stage-smart she is as a director! I apparently went to Snooty for a bit that night...I totally don't even remember who I went with, aaah. I remember feeling somewhat socially hesitant though, and talking to a few friends outside about how it was probably best that I leave. I remember that so vividly, and yet I don't think I really know why that happened, hm.
I had a group meeting before class the next night (May 18th), and then after class I went to Monica's house, for the cast party for Marisa's play. Oh man, what a ridiculously fun night. It was the perfect turnaround from that inexplicable antisocial mood the night prior. I remember keeping Monica from finishing her vodka (so...much...BOOZE in that girl, haha) and I remember laughing a lot, all night. :)
I woke up relatively late on the 19th, and worked that evening. That night, I went to the Casbah to FINALLY see the Wink Burlesque girls. The opening bands didn't really do much for me, I ended up spending a fair amount of time in the Lounge. They had Lucky Skull Accessories present with some of their merch set up, for sale, also selling tickets for a draw - a gift basket with a whole bunch of their stuff in it. I went up at one point and asked to buy a ticket. The girl asked if I wanted "just one," and I told her, "it just takes one to win." I'm so sly, haha.
The girls had a couple contests for free stuff they provided themselves, and I went up for a pick-up line contest. I think I got the best reaction, but I didn't win hahaha - for my pick-up line, I asked for a boy wearing pants, not shorts, to approach the stage. (I can't just SAY pick-up lines, I gotta use them, hahaaa.) When one finally did, I went "hey, so uh, are you from Japan?" He was white, so he obviously said no. And I went "well you should be...'cause ja pants would look REAL nice on my FLOOR..." OH MAN, heh, I didn't win but at least I made a bunch of people laugh!
It ended up being awesome, though...later they did the Lucky Skull Accessories draw, and I won! :D Cutest shit ever, oh man. There's a whole bunch of flowers of different sizes and varieties and colors, even a little butterfly, and a blue plaid bow. They all have a little skull bead right in the center. So badass, heh.
The burlesque show was super cute. So many boobies! Hahaha. Such fun.
The next day (May 20th) I only know that I had a long bath. I probably didn't accomplish much else...and I think I didn't go to a show I had been planning to attend because it was cancelled, as far as I can recall.
On May 21st, I worked all day, and then rushed home to eat before rehearsal. After rehearsal I definitely went to karaoke at Snooty again. Hahaha best. I got a lot of hooting and hollering when I sang - both following, and DURING my rendition of What's Up...good ol' 4 Non-Blondes, bahaha. I am awesome at life! Haha.
On the 22nd, I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything in the morning...let alone all day. I had rehearsal that night though. Afterward I decided to see if my friends were still having their Simpsons marathon. In, um...a classified location, cough...and they were! Me and Allan and Kyrsten ordered pizza together, best idea of life. We were there until sometime shortly after 11pm. Apparently they had started pretty early that day...ridiculous!
Apparently I didn't do anything on the 23rd, aside from attending class. That doesn't seem right...ah, well.
On May 24th I woke up relatively early and made another mall trip to get some final "necessities" (ahaha) for the trip my father and I had coming up in early June. I also got my hair cut, finally! I still adore it. :) That night I attended a surprise birthday party for Brandon in the Lounge. They ordered really good pizza, mmm. I stayed, and Dave was DJing. I think other people did too, I just don't really remember. I remember making an ass out of myself at one point, basically to one person. Argh. I went out to Absinthe for a while though...oh man, I ran into Ryan and Denis and Jackie and Wallis (Wallace?) and Bobby and so many other people! And I met a bunch of people! And more random kisses and ridiculous times in a parking lot in Westdale (I'm so sure they brought their friggin' beer, bahaha)...so much fun. And when I got home, I...mostly fixed my dumbass mistake from earlier in the night. I mean, I'm pretty sure I did. Phew, haha.
The next day (May 25th) I only really remember having to find my classroom, as our midterm was held in a different room from our classes - to prevent the probability of cheating, or whatever. That was annoying. I finished pretty early, and walked home...I was wearing such an adorable outfit that day: black polo-ish dress, with my pale pink angora sweater-turned-miniskirt over the skirt of the dress, with my kneehigh black tights that have pink ribbon laceups behind each knee, and my torn up old Chucks. I met a little golden retriver puppy going for a walk with his owner! He tried to bite the laces behind my knees, haha. Even more awesome, as I was about two blocks away from my house, a black cat began following me...and it had a pink ribbon instead of a collar. HELLO OUTFIT SOULMATES! Haha, so cute. Followed me all the way home - and dashed into my house when I opened the front door, haha! Coaxing it back outside was tricky, but it worked finally. Sososo cute.
That night I met up with Joel downtown, and he came to the Pepper Jack Café with me, to see Joe and Ben's band, Ovenbird. They recently changed the name to the actual spelling of both words, instead of their (now former) variation of Uvenburd. Their music is evolving! And they acquired more band members, who joined them for their last few songs! Oh man, the Water Song made me even happier when I knew it was coming, haha. Great show all around. Sucks that I missed Duncan perform. Ah, well.
That reminds me - sometime before that show...a week, maybe a few weeks?...I saw him perform, and it was funny. What was that part of? It was in the Lounge, I just definitely can't remember when. Goddamn...
The next day (May 26th) I went to the Underground...Ermine was solid and loud and wonderful, and Hoosier Poet was perfect and made me deaf. I definitely should've made note of the whole lineup, but I didn't, and I've since forgetten. Sigh.
On the 27th I definitely received a visit from Amelia! We made a trip to Lime Ridge, followed by a meatless Big Mac meal run after that. We did some cavorting around downtown Hamilton, and then stumbled upon a really worthwhile shoe sale, I think it was like, buy one pair, get the second pair half price. Rather than splitting the deal between us, we both got two pairs of shoes haha. Amelia got really tall wedges, and another high pair with giant jeweled buckles across the wide part of each strap. I really liked those ones - I wish they would've had another pair that fit me properly, haha! I got a pair of low heels, they're really classy looking...but oh man, the other pair I got are now the sexiest shoes I own, good lordy. Later that night, we put on our favorite pairs of our newly acquired shoes, and left.
We went to a show at the Casbah. Charlemagne opened, they played really well! After their set, Amelia and I went down to the Lounge for wine - her, white; me, as per usual, red. I don't know why it hit me as hard as it did, but by golly was I ever warm, haha. We went back upstairs to see The Rest, and they were better than the last time I saw them, so good. Amelia bought pins from them, and gave me one. :)
We went back down to the Lounge, and by then, the games night they had planned was in full-out competition mode! I asked if I could have a Tetris competition, and Beth (who was in charge, while her boy - and my friend! - Ryan was DJing) obliged. I totally won, by SO many points, hahaha...I won a $20 gift certificate for Dr. Disc! So awesome. We went back upstairs to see the Melingrove Band play, and I think that was the first time I had seen them since Murdered City...like when I saw We're Marching On earlier in the month. Man! I happy-heckled them, and the drummer totally played off it, hahaha. So fun.
We wandered down to the Lounge for a bit, and then, when we went back upstairs to wait for The Most Serene Republic to play, she and I pulled up chairs, haha. :D Impractical shoes most definitely led to sore feet - not to mention, we had just had a really long day, oh boy. Such pretty music.
We crossed paths with two adolescents that night, who were dressed kinda silly, thug-like, and they asked us if we were going to a party. I tried so hard not to laugh, and almost failed, hahaha. Oh man. We picked up slices of pizza, and came back here, where I shared a bunch of ridiculous internet videos, haha...best. We didn't decide to go to bed until pretty late, and then I stayed up a little bit later at that, heh. That wasn't the greatest idea...
The next day (28th) I had to work - ALL DAY - and Amelia dropped me off, and left Hamilton. I most likely had rehearsal that night, and then Lisa and I definitely went to karaoke that night. So much funnn aaah. Haha. :)
The next day (May 29th) I don't recall doing anything significant throughout the day, but I definitely had rehearsal in the evening.
On the 30th, I worked in the morning, and then came home and had a long cold bath - sooo hottt that day - effectively skipping my night class. After my bath, I got all ready to go, and then took the GO bus out to see Paul again. I listened to my music at random, and so many songs that I came on throughout the ride matched what I was doing or thinking about, so closely...so bizarre. I remember looking up at the setting sun and hearing a Sunset Rubdown lyric that matched the moment exactly. It felt so surreal.
When I got to Union Station, I called Paul's cell...and left a message, and waited. Some creepy guy was too eager to talk to me, so that was kinda weird. Haha. It started to kinda bug me too much for my liking, at one point, so I called Paul again - and he answered, he was only like half a block away, phewww. We sat on the steps of a building not too far away from the station and shared a cigarette. He looked at the last song to come up in my playlist, and joked about it - Iggy Pop, The Passenger - and how it was hilariously suitable, considering I just got off the bus, haha.
We took the subway to his place, and he definitely decided to get on at the wrong place, haha...basically we were just on it longer than we had to be. Blah blah blah, travel travel, we arrived. I like the train tracks we, uh, didn't cross to get to his place, they seem like they'd be fun to explore. Paul's loft is so cute! I finally saw that ridiculous duck toy he had told me about/got stuck in my head...damn catchy song, haha. His drawings that he stencilled onto his kitchen cupboards were too amazing, ahaha. We watched a few episodes of Wonder Showzen and oh man, how I laughed (and occasionally groaned) at that friggin' show. We flipped through his book of Slavic (specifically Russian I think?) prison tattoos - incredible - and he showed me a book about black metal, too, the stuff he told me about was crazy. We definitely didn't get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, hah.
We woke up fairly early, at that, as he had to work and I had an appointment to attend. He called me a cab - there was no way in hell I'd find my way back via public transit, ahaha, oh man. The cab ride cost me all of $18.75...I gave the guy a $20 and hopped out. He looked so surprised that I didn't wait for change! When I got home I messaged Paul and told him the cab ride was much more expensive than we were thinking it might be. Then I admitted that it was actually far cheaper, haha. I'm a jerk.
That day (31st) I had my appointment for the manicure/pedicure/facial that I paid for a few weeks prior...OH MAN, so good. I fell asleep during the facial, haha. I felt so, so, SO fucking sexy after it. I sat around for a while, not really knowing what to make of how sexy I felt, haha! I took off a lot of clothes and lounged around for a while. Then I got ready and went to the Casbah Lounge for Eclectricity night, that was fun. I forget the whole lineup, but Josephine Foster headlined, and...holy crap. That harp, and the way she strums her guitar, and all of it...so overwhelmingly beautiful, my god. I ended up catching a cab back home with Andy and Dave and Steve, and Andy contributed far too much money for the fare! I joined Dave and Steve on a trip to the grocery store (good ol' 24-hour service, haha) and then to Steve's place for a while. They're such fun boys, I'm really glad I know them. As I walked home, I definitely heard the birds chirping, ahaha.
OH MAN, THAT'S MAY...
So I just went for a short walk, just to take a little break, of sorts.
To Second Cup.
Where I bought a beverage.
A caffeinated beverage. Of course.
An "icepresso." (Man, did I ever feel like a dick ordering that. Stop giving your products names that make customers sound like dicks for ordering, corporations...)
A large one, in fact.
...Oh boy.
June time!
On the 1st, I met another person who wanted to audition for IRIS, and then had a meeting regarding the production. In that meeting, I finalized my cast. Well, as it would turn out...I mostly finalized my cast. Sigh. New experience, new process, definitely learning...
After class that night, I basically stayed up all night getting ready. My dad said he'd come bright and early to pick me up. I called home about half an hour after his planned arrival time, to maybe see if my younger brother was home, and find out if something was up. MY DAD picked up...so I got crabby with him, haha. So he was like, an hour and a half late, when usually he's even a bit early. Anyway, he picked me up, and we loaded my stuff into his truck - and then we were off for Massachusetts! :)
I basically put music into my ears and slept most of the way there. The official at the border was so perfect-looking...but so cold, it was really sad actually. Such amazing sights along the way though, my goodness.
We made a brief stop in...Buffalo, I think it was...'cause my dad wanted to visit a market there. We saw a very scary looking unkempt woman; as we passed by her, I said "you know...I could've lived my whole life without seeing that woman." My dad laughed, and then somehow attached it to a comment about the state of the hems of my pant legs. Oh, that's my good ol' dad, alright...haha. We met a Polish woman running one of the food service places inside. She made me a toasted bagel with swiss cheese, so tasty. They had bread for sale there from HAMILTON, so ridiculous. She was nice. She also said Canada like it was meant to have breaths between each syllable, haha...oh, Americans...so cute sometimes. :D
Every time I woke up along the trip, I'd just go right back to sleep, I was so tired. My dad scolded me the one time I woke up, apparently my music was so loud HE could hear it clearly, haha...oops. When we weren't too far away from our destination, it began to POUR...and wouldn't it just be our luck that the rain continued all weekend.
...Even more awesomely, I had packed for the type of weather we had been having back home at the time: hot, sunny, sticky. I didn't pack a jacket - let alone a cardigan. Oh boy...
Anyway, as the rain began to pour, we found ourselves stuck on a highway in pretty bad traffic. Apparently, that was the perfect time for me to have to use the washroom. I had to wait close to 45 minutes before we could find an exit...UGH. That was so painful. By the time I finally got to a toilet, I went so much, and felt so relieved, that I just about moaned the loudest I ever have in my life - except I knew that a woman was in there with two very young relatives, so I bit my lip...and that hurt, haha.
Not long after that, we stopped at a grocery store to pick up a bouquet. Then, we arrived at my godmother's house! Had this trip taken place in August, it would've been exactly TEN years since I had seen her last...so strange to think about.
Her house was very different. They had renovated a fair bit, and had an addition built onto it as well! It's so spacious and gorgeous now, my goodness. Liz's parents are so wonderful and caring...her mother fussed over me all weekend, gosh. When they learned that I'm vegetarian now, her mother was so concerned that I wouldn't have enough to eat...but fresh breads, cream cheese, and deli cheese was more than abundant for this happy lil' tummy. :) Even when she forgot, a few days later, offering me bacon...we laughed as I reminded her. And then she offered me more, more, more food. Haha.
That night, we essentially talked for a while - but mostly, I listened, as the conversations turned to Polish and stayed there. Aside from catching little bits of their conversations, I didn't really follow what everyone was talking about...especially as I drifted in and out of paying attention, anyway. It was nice though. I didn't exactly feel left out, at all. It was really nice.
The next day, I woke up feeling kinda sick...the house was a little colder than what I'm accustomed to. :S We went to Liz's brother Jan's house that day. On the way, my godmother showed us a whole bunch of giant, terribly expensive houses. We got to Jan's house, and when he saw me, his first reaction was "wow, you look really different...cool!" I wasn't expecting that at all, haha. Mara's so big! And Thomas is so energetic! It was great, we wandered around their house a little...I remembered so much from the lobster bake they had there, ten years ago. They even have the same carved, changeable calendar hanging on the wall in the kitchen, ahaha. We went outside and walked around the property a bit. I pocketed an acorn, heh.
It was decided that we'd all go out for lunch together, so we went to a restaurant...holy big portions, aghhh. Very tasty food though. Mara was sick, and was fine up until then, but she lost her appetite shortly after she began eating, and apparently got sick when she got back home that day, poor girl. Thomas was really hyper, it was awesome, haha. He was like, my Michael replacement for the trip, ha! When he decided he had his fill of his lunch, he slid out of his chair and was just generally being energetic and adorable and funny. At one point, his mom, Cindy, went "hey Thomas, shake your booty!" and he wiggled his butt shamelessly, ahaha.
Later that day, Jan drove me, my dad, and my godmother around to show us more expensive houses - he recently quit his airplane job (hee) and got into Real Estate. My god, some of the neighborhoods we saw...ALL giant houses, ALL ridiculously expensive. Really, I think the highlight of the drive for me - with Jan's tracking system/direction-providing technology coming in at a close second (especially since it kept not working) - was Crazy coming on a radio station as he flipped through, haha. :P
We went to another restaurant for dinner that night...again, the portions were so overwhelming! So much food, so little room for it in my belly, hah.
Anyway, on the Sunday (June 4th) of our trip, we had planned to attend Liz's niece Elizabeth's high school graduation. We went to their house where everyone gathered to eat preceding the ceremony...Mike and Ted have totally grown, it's strange. I say that like they're so much younger than me...I'm only a year older, har. They're identical twins but I could definitely tell the difference between them this time...ten years after last seeing them, haha. Elizabeth is so beautiful! And Clare is totally grown - and totally didn't remember me, 'cause she was like, a toddler when I last saw her, hahaha. It was great seeing them all again. Ted constantly referring to Canadian things, and sorta gesturing toward me, was hilarious.
Oh, and Thomas climbed underneath some sort of game table they have in the house somewhere, and his pants were covered in dust and grossness, so his pants had to be thrown in the wash. He definitely came into the room where we were all sitting, watching a baseball game...without pants on. So funny. One of the twins told him to moonwalk, and everyone laughed. I thought, oh man...and I went "hey Thomas, shake your booty!" and he shook his little underwear covered bum without thinking twice. Everyone howled! :D
We all had cake, and then shortly after that, a bunch of pictures were taken. We did a big group picture...I hope my godmother can get a copy and mail it to me, it'll be awesome if I can dig up a picture from the visit ten years ago, too, just to see how different everyone looks. Even though it'll surely creep me out, haha.
Then, we headed out to Elizabeth's high school. She attended a private high school, which was an old estate that was transformed into a school, with additional buildings built throughout the property from there. It was overwhelming. I can't even imagine that being a home at one point...let alone a school. I swear, it compared in size to probably a smaller city block, here. Gosh. Oh, and I helped keep Thomas mostly quiet and well-mannered during the ceremony. Mostly, haha. He's so young, he can't help but go crazy - I wish I had his excuse, hahaha.
After, as we all headed back to the vehicles, we said our goodbyes - my dad and I would be leaving for home early the next morning, after all. Cindy commented on how I made a real friend out of Thomas - and said "so, we'll be sending him to visit for a week in August?" I was like "ABSOLUTELY, do it!" Hahaha.
That night, we went to yet another restaurant for dinner...and yet again, I couldn't believe the portions. I had a salad and a personal pizza, and I was almost full after the salad, haha, oh man.
Note to the USA: portion control?
Seriously, I thought I was bad sometimes...hahaha. :P
The next morning, I wasn't awake early enough to see my godmother before she had to leave for work...pooh. My dad was talking with her parents at the kitchen table, though, so I joined and had my last fresh bread and fresh cheese breakfast, aw.
As we got ready to get in the truck and go, Liz's mother said something to my father in Polish. Slowly, his face grew more solemn.
And as she continued to speak to him, I watched as he fought tears.
Not in all of my twenty-one years can I recall seeing that.
Not once.
I don't need to know what she said to him.
I don't need to know how huge it was, how important the words were.
I could see it.
All I needed to know was what I saw.
All around me, tears on cheeks. Tears that fought harder to roll, and succeeded.
She turned to me to say goodbye, and said how glad she was to see me - to remember her, to come back to visit, to come back as soon as I could, as often as I could. Reasons unspoken, but reasons that spoke louder than words needed to speak.
I fought my tears harder, and most never met my cheeks.
I smiled, instead.
I waved out of the window as she and her husband stood at the end of the driveway, waving back. We drove down their road, and as we began to turn the corner, I looked back and waved again - they were still watching. They waved again.
These memories, these images.
I remember reflecting upon the visit, recalling my godmother's situation - all these years, living with her parents...having an established career, lots of money, taking lots of trips all around the world. Thinking about how happy she genuinely seems with where her life is, and has taken her.
I remember realizing - really recognizing - I do not want her life. She is happy, she is comfortable...but I couldn't be. I simply couldn't be.
I love everything I learned on this trip.
On the way back, my father and I stopped at the Duty Free. As I perused the numerous makeup shelves, he urged me to "hurry up" - alright dad, no makeup for me, I get it, hahaha. He picked up a few big ol' bottles of alcohol...I made a brief, indirect attempt to pick a bottle of my own, but I gave up when he didn't get the hint that I wanted it, haha. Near the checkout, I snapped into candy mode (of course...it's ME...heh) and asked if I could get "this chocolate bar; it's only three dollars!" He said yes. Ohhh man...it's a bar of milk chocolate, which is fine...with almonds, even better...and there is HALF A POUND OF IT. IN ONE BAR.
...OHHH MAN. Ahaha.
Anyway, when we got back to my house, I learned that the internet was down, and after many calls made, and many frustrated tears shed, that it was down because a bill hadn't been paid. Not that it hadn't been paid on time - it hadn't been paid. At all. Long story short, everything is cleared up now. More fees than necessary have been paid, but above all, everything's fixed now. Ugh. So frustrating!
I don't recall what I did the next day (June 6th), but I know it definitely wasn't much of anything, haha. I think I started to feel really sick that day too, most likely.
On June 7th, I worked during the evening. I still felt sick, but I found out that Chris Yang was playing in the Lounge, so I decided that I'd go and stay until I felt too sick to be there any longer. I was fine for most of the night, and his set was lovely. I also spent the night hanging out with Caitlin! We hadn't properly hung out in so long, so good to spend time with her. On my walk home, of course I had to be harassed...ugh. Fucking city...
The next day (8th) I had a meeting, and I felt sick again. I struggled through it though, especially considering the trip put me slightly behind, in terms of e-mail correspondence and whatnot. After my class that night, I stopped by the Pita Pit for a while. Christine works there, and had let me borrow her notes to catch up on classes I had missed...and uh, not skipped to hangout with people in Toronto, ahem. Haha. So, I decided to copy them out there, and leave her book there for her to pick up, rather than making an extra trip to drop it off sometime. That really worked out well, too. I drank some Neocitran that night...and it totally didn't knock me out like it usually does. I didn't even get to sleep until sometime after 3am, argh.
On the 9th, I was still kinda sick, but mostly alright. I wasn't able to meet with someone...who I was auditioning for IRIS, actually...but I had to audition her sometime before my next meeting with the Project Co-ordinator, so we agreed to meet quickly before my rehearsal Sunday night. I worked from 3 until 9pm, and I had to forego Laura's birthday celebrations at the Phoenix. I felt like I was going to pass out when I got home, egh.
The next day I worked...all day...and then spent several hours being a dork on the internet, messaging people and whatnot, haha. I also spent a lot of time watching silly videos, hoping that the laughter might somehow positively affect my health. It...didn't really work, hah, crap.
It was weird, though - the more I worked that weekend, the more I kept thinking about the class I had applied for. I still hadn't heard back about whether or not I had been accepted into the class. There was a strange discrepancy in how people were being informed...and then I just hadn't heard anything. Not a single thing. And then I couldn't sleep. All I could do was wonder. Not sleeping, in addition to being sick, and worrying...terrible, just terrible.
On the 11th, I woke up...and the medicines I consumed the night prior, in conjunction with the caffeine I consumed that morning, resulted in a pretty puke-filled morning. I would puke, brush my teeth, continue getting ready for the day, and the cycle would repeat - puke, brush, ready, puke...it was terrible. I managed to gather myself enough to go to work, and made it through the shift.
Then basically, the day kept getting worse.
I couldn't get in contact with the girl whom I was to audition. I was late for rehearsal, just waiting to hear back from her. Frustrating phone calls. Travel. More frustrating phone calls. Relocation of my rehearsal. She arrives. I step aside with her and begin the audition. Frustration. Miscommunication. Trying to rush...not going fast enough, regardless. More frustration. Awkwardness, uncomfortable attendance. Hesitation. Reservation. Relief, and departure.
I dropped my things off at home, straightened myself out a bit (unfortunately, frustration was met with a fair amount of tears that day...sigh) and headed over to Snooty for karaoke - which of course, never fails to cheer me up when things look down, hee. Dan seriously asked me if I had been drinking, as I was only drinking water and he just couldn't figure out why I was so energetic. I explained just generally how the day was so disheartening in so many ways, and I was just taking some time to ignore it all and try and be happy.
Lots of people told me I was cute, and it made me even more giggly. It felt so great, honestly. Matt was there for a while, and I mentioned how my day had bombed terribly. He took me "to his office" - outside, for a smoke, haha, to ask me about what had happened. I explained everything...and when I mentioned that I had been sobbing, he actually pointed out that I had a big eye makeup streak across the top of my left cheek...sigh.
I wonder how many people saw that.
I wonder if anyone figured it out.
I sang some songs, and eventually wandered along home.
I came home to a disconcerting message.
I explained myself, how I needed to fix the day by just being a bit reckless and ignoring everything that made me sad...to just spend time among that and those which makes me smile. I apologized for all the ways in which I let others pull me, and how that day had frustrated me so much that I simply wouldn't let it continue any longer. I explained everything that was on my mind...even how I had been broke for a fair amount of days, and how I didn't even really have much food left in my house, yet couldn't afford to fix that. How I was embarrassed to admit it, and still didn't want to, but had to. So tricky, so scary.
In any case, I woke up the next morning (June 12th) to a beautiful response. My heart felt lighter. I also felt entirely healthy again that day! I had my first meeting with the cast of IRIS that afternoon, followed shortly thereafter by a rehearsal of my own. That night, I went to visit Lisa, and we were silly and spirited, sharing so many laughs - and fruit that Leeann's parents had put on my shelf in the fridge! Share a kind gesture in a kind way, I say. :) I felt so happy when I got home that night, and eventually went to bed.
...Then I woke up on the 13th, sicker than ever.
I called in to work and said I'd be getting to a doctor as soon as I could that day, and basically tried to see if I'd be able to get out of work the next day. Thankfully, I did.
Thankfully, Lauren saw my plea for a ride to a doctor in my msn name. She came over, picked me up, and drove me to the walk-in clinic in Westdale. The doctor did a test for strep throat, and I explained how I felt just like I did back in November when I fell ill - and how both times I went in and was tested for strep, it came back negative.
So, she came back in the room a short while later, and told me the test was positive. And I felt like a jackass, hahaha. :P
I didn't remember to bring my debit card with me, so Lauren drove me back to my place, I ran in and got it, and we drove back so I could go to the pharmacy next door to the clinic. Stacey passed by, and I responded to her "hey, how's it going?" with a big ol' "I have strep throat, woooooooooooooo!" while waving my prescription in the air. And I didn't stop to really talk, only realizing after what a jerk I must've been, gosh. The next time I saw her, I definitely apologized, and she said it was no big deal, but it still bugs me, grah. Ah, well.
Anyway, I paid for my prescription with my card...all $2.73 of it. Yep. When I told Lauren how we made all that extra effort for TWO DOLLARS and SEVENTY-THREE CENTS, she said had we known, my penicillin would've been "her treat," hahaha. I owe that lady for that whole thing, honestly. So nice of her.
I came home and started to feel really dizzy and nauseous again. I called work to explain what the doctor told me - I'd be contagious for one whole week, and I asked if I could get out of my Friday shift as well. That was also alright - I am so lucky - and I was to call in before my Sunday shift if I wasn't okay by then to do it. I also contacted Lisa, since we had shared food and everything the night before...thankfully she didn't catch it at all, at any point, phewww. I was so scared that she might've caught it. I put on a Sex & The City webstream and passed out for a long time. And then woke up 'cause the ibuprofen wore off, and I had to take more penicillin anyway...and passed out some more. That was basically my routine for the next couple of days, haha.
The next day my mom came to visit around lunch, as I was basically grouching in bed. She helped me get out of bed and compose myself, and we went to the grocery store...it was a short trip, that's for sure, haha. She bought me a big box of freezies, that made me smile a whole lot. :) I came home and passed out some more...after eating a couple freezies, of course, haha. I remember waking up early that evening and thinking about how I was missing Eclectricity, and how I couldn't go support Zach at his CD release show. Baw.
The next day, too, I missed shows at the Underground and Casbah. No double-shows for the strep throat monster, that's for sure, haha...aw...
Most of my strep throat experience is pretty hazy, actually. I remember how sleeping all day would keep me awake at night for a while, and how being awake at night would gradually make me more and more nauseous the longer I couldn't sleep. That was painful. I remember finishing the take-home final exam for my summer school course, and doing it so, so, SO poorly, just so it could be done and forgotten...I left a message for my professor the day before the final due date, explaining that I was sick and afraid I wouldn't complete it, let alone complete it well. When I got home that day, after handing it in...she called. I explained, I just did it to finish it, and it was already submitted. She said, genuinely, that she'd take my illness into consideration when marking it. I hope that helps a fair bit...egh.
On a less crappy note (haha), I remember a conversation with Paul which resulted in referencing a "mexigull" which almost caused the spitting of a be-healthy-smoothie everywhere, ahaha. I also remember feeling significantly less snot-filled by Saturday (June 17th) - and how much of a relief that was!
By the 18th, I still had to take the penicillin of course, but I started to feel much better! I had a conversation with Josh...much to my surprise, I wasn't angry. I hadn't spoken to him in months, so many months. He said he'd be at the show that night, and I said I might come if I was still feeling well enough. Thankfully, the conversation was nice, and stayed nice - no leaving on sour notes. It was odd, but it was a welcome change.
I didn't have to call-in asking for the shift off, thankfully...money is good to make and have. Heather and I were treated to a live in-store music performance, ohhh what a day. I'm going to miss working with her, gosh. It's always so much fun, so full of giggles!
That night, I had rehearsal, and after rehearsal I went to a show at the Casbah. I missed Cowlick, arghhh. I got there during Tell The Divers' set, and they're just as lovely and solid as ever. I like their newer songs a lot! Oh man, Kitchens And Bathrooms finally re-banded and I finally got to see them perform!!! It was really good, really really good. And then Don Caballero played...and I nearly lost my shit. Their music wraps around you - you can't help but find yourself in it, but you don't want to step out of it if you're really listening. It's amazing. I'm glad I didn't get to know much of their music before the show, slight familiarity coupled with the surprise attached to my amazement of their sounds created the perfect experience. :)
Furthermore, at the show, I hugged Josh for the first time since...god, late August of 2004? Early September? Regardless, it was nice. It finally felt okay to do so. It felt okay to not want to let go...just for an extra moment or two, that's all.
We talked in the Lounge for a while. He said many things - how he has grown, how he has changed, how he has reflected and realized and regretted.
Two years.
Two years, and this heart heard many things it deserved to receive.
And yet...
So much still has not changed.
But that's okay, because this time my eyes are open. I'm not afraid to look, and I know what I see, and know that I'm no longer mistaken.
Don Cab was about to start, but I suggested that we shouldn't leave the conversation at that. I suggested hanging out after the show. He mentioned work, waking up early, all these things. Only after the show was over did he decide that, yes, it was a good idea - a worthwhile idea.
And it was.
We walked home in the rain, and I borrowed his hat. I got completely soaked, head to toe...save for my back, somehow? Hahaha. We got back and I changed. We talked, and talked, and talked.
And I revisited places that only a changed girl could visit.
He ended up calling in sick for work, and catching a bus back sometime that morning.
...And my heart can see for certain -
Despite his words, despite it all...
He hasn't changed.
He hasn't changed a bit.
And now, whether or not he would even admit to it again - to anyone else, or even to me once more - I was ready to give him something so special, so huge...
And he fucked it up.
This isn't resentment, it's realization.
He wasn't ready for something that real.
He ruined what could have been something so untouchable.
He stole so much of my trust, but after two years, I realized -
He tried to take my heart, but he failed -
I still have it.
His is lost, and he doesn't realize...so long as he doesn't truly change, he'll never find it again. Whether he thinks he needs it or not, he does. He does. And one day, maybe that will actually hit him.
It's so sad to know that after two years, his heart is still the same.
It doesn't matter.
I'm glad I can talk to him again, without resentment.
I'll pray for him. I mean that.
I am so thankful I can speak to him with a settled heart.
The next night (June 19th), I had rehearsal. I felt like it went really well, despite how exhausted I was from lack of sleep. This character - and play, overall - just keeps getting more and more fun to be tackling. :) That night I joined a group of people celebrating (my castmate) Magali's birthday! I totally ate battered, cheese-stuffed olives served in a martini glass. I felt so...oddly swank, hahaha.
On the 20th, I had an IRIS meeting - the cast (well, most of us) gathered to watch the recording of last year's production, to give everyone an idea of what kind of production this will be. Ideas are already flowing among all of us; good connections are being drawn. This feels promising!
I went to a Summer Drama Festival meeting that night. I gotta work on not being so talkative unless I'm actually contributing ideas or whatever, hahaha. I've always gotta be the comedian, apparently. :P I can't help it, I'm an actor, I like attention! Haha. Lisa came over that night, and we smoked and chatted and shared so many stories...what a great night, so full of chatting!
On the 21st, I worked in the evening. I had planned to go to the Hub for karaoke with Mike, but I had also planned to go to Absinthe for Motown night with Lisa, and realized how much travelling would be involved...Lisa had a big annoyance bubble over, at that, so I decided it was best to forego karaoke that night. I went to her place, and we chatted, she vented...and then we went to Absinthe and had SOOO much fun! I met a lot of people, too. Such a random, incredibly fun night. :)
The next day (June 22nd), I talked to my Sam on the phone for a fair while! :D I miss that lady so badly it's actually started to hurt my heart, as of late. Aw. We're totally gonna hangout soon though, I'm so happy!!!
I had a meeting for IRIS that afternoon, and then our cast's first Campus Partners meeting. Everything's going really rather smoothly, I'm so pleased with it. I had a rehearsal of my own late that night. I joined Miranda, Sophie, and Magali for dinner preceding the rehearsal. That night was devoted to cast-building activities, and a question-and-answer exercise. It felt really awesome to get to know everyone in the cast that well. We finished really late, egh...Allan walked me home, and we had a really good chat on the sidewalk, haha. Then I couldn't sleep for quite a while, so harsh, gah...
On the 23rd, we had rehearsal from 11-3...and having had so much trouble falling asleep that night, and waking up feeling stressed that day, well...I broke down during rehearsal. I tried to maintain my composure, for so long, but I cracked. I felt really bad - everything stopped, because of me. We did line runs though, and it's helping me move past my frustration. This is such a tricky script to memorize...I'm used to associating line memorization to the way that one learns the words of a song - and then, with this script, especially, there is so much dialogue attached to action, it's that sort of play that's easier to memorize by DOING, not by THINKING. I don't know. I feel like I'm dropping the ball, but the ways I'm trying to learn, and to change...it's not working well enough. Or fast enough, I suppose. I'm trying, though. I'm not going to stop striving toward this.
...It is so amazing, after all. :)
I was pretty upset when I got home, and I was just going to nap to ignore how frustrated I felt. Lisa talked me into visiting her at work, though...so I went to see her at Aardvark, and then I joined her at her other job - she is the bartender at Yuk Yuk's, on the mountain - and then we even ended up at the Casbah for a bit that night...and as we parted ways, I actually ended up on campus, at the Phoenix, for Laura's goodnight (NOT goodbye!) gathering! She was so drunk, haha. Love that lady. I even stopped in at the Pita Pit on my way home, to say hi to anyone that was working that I knew...which I totally would've felt too antisocial to do, had it been any earlier that day. It was such a cheerful ending to such a trying day. I needed to be cheered up - and I'm glad Lisa talked me out of staying at home to mope. :)
On the 24th, I woke up very late, and eventually jumped in the tub for a long, slow bath. So nice. Carly came to visit that afternoon, and I FINALLY bought that shirt from her! Sososo adorable. I wore it out that night - I went to the Underground.
Charlemagne opened, and even though not many people had arrived yet, I thought they performed really well. Ben and I stepped outside and smoked a bit together; we had some hilarious chats, oh man ahaha. We came back inside to watch Jon Epworth and The Improvements - HOLY CRAP. I think the last time I saw them was when I FIRST ever saw them, last summer...the world could've ended after Extra Fries and I would've been okay, my gosh. I think Lisa was there by that point. She and Ben and I stepped outside, smoked some more, more laughter ensued. We came back inside to see the Sourkeys perform. It's been a while since I've seen them perform, too, gosh...I was very glad to hear Sick Since Sunday, oh man. The Inflation Kills ended off the night, and they were so solid, jeesh. I'm never disappointed by that band.
When I walked home that night, I definitely buttoned up my cardigan...the shirt is pretty cleavagey, and I don't need to draw any more attention to myself when I walk home alone. I STILL got harassed a whole bunch of times though. Jesus. I stopped by the Lounge, as it was en route, basically to say hello to anyone that was still around. From the Underground to the Casbah, I was harassed not once, but twice...by the same fucking guy in a car. Ugh. Then, on my walk home from the Lounge, as I was walking along the bridge, some guy in a car speeding past yelled out "heyyy, do you give blowjobs?" I mean, really...
If a girl is walking home alone, LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE. Is it that hard?
Anyway, I worked the next day (this Sunday - June 25th) and had a rehearsal that night. Then, of course, I went to karaoke at Snooty. That was fun - I got to really talk to Miranda for the first time since our adventure during my Toronto weekend in early May! Such a nice lady. Rachel and I walked home together, and sat and chatted on my front step for a while, it was a really good talk. Such a great night, on whole!
On the 26th, I basically spent the day getting everything in order for my brief trip home that night. My dad came and got me sometime after 10pm; we made a quick stop at a Tim Horton's along the way...and then their cash registers all magically closed. That wasn't much fun. We finally got home around a quarter after 11 or so. I called Scott, and he was still awake, despite having to be up before dawn for work, egh. I called Amelia too, but I just heard some sort of murmur, and then the connection was no more, haha. It was pretty late, though, I didn't take it personally! Haha.
The next morning, Matthew woke me up, and I copied his choice of cereal for breakfast - we watched Breakfast Television together and I cracked jokes. We always have so much fun together now, hahaha I love it. He drove me to my dental appointment - 9am...good times. Not really, but yeah. Haha. My dentist has fallen ill, from what I understand, so there was another dentist filling in for him. After my teeth had been cleaned and everything, he just looked them over, really, anyway.
I called Matthew to pick me up, and we went to visit Michael and Diana! MICHAEL'S GETTING SO BIG! And Diana actually grew less and less hesitant of me! Oh gosh, visiting them really rejuvenated me.
I get homesick for those two, what can I say. Hee. :)
We went back to the house so I could gather up my things, and then Matthew drove me to Brantford so I could take Greyhound back to Hamilton (less driving for him). I made him stop at Fast Eddie's, haha. I got pickle fries and a drink, and got him a double chocolate crumble milkshake - which I demanded a sip of, haha. Of course.
I stayed on the bus and got off at the campus stop, rather than going home first. I had rehearsal from 3-4pm with just Allan, and hoooly crap, great progress. Our one scene alone together feels so different - and it was good before, but it's GREAT now! Haha yay. :)
I attended another SDF meeting that day, once again at 5pm. I was too talkative, again, of course. Haha. I headed out to Lisa's place that night, and joined her in meeting some of her coworkers at the Corktown. That was actually my first visit there, it looks like it'd be really fun for shows. We headed over to La Luna, as there were many hungry bellies among the group. That was also my first visit to La Luna...oh man, so good. I had a falafel - and I definitely enjoyed it. I'll have to try to get them more often, maybe before shows at the Casbah sometime, haha.
I stopped by the Lounge to see who I knew, and Stacey and Kevyn were outside - I said hello, and continued along inside...and saw no one else I knew. I
Seriously.
In the time that has passed, school and As You Like It have ended. And pretty much since then, I've been out far too often.
Recap:
I had auditions for SDF on the night of March 23rd - for the three of the five (total) that I still hadn't tried out for.
That Friday (24th) brought early morning work, and then...well I did something in the Student Centre, so says my calendar. All that's left is a room and a time. No memory. Ha.
The 25th marked an all day rehearsal for As You Like It...hoo, boy.
Sunday (26th) brought about a shift with Julia - and a missed rehearsal! Yikes. Too many places to be at once...also matched by an all-nighter, frantically trying to complete assignments due the next day. I'm a student? What?
That night, though, was amazing and terrifying all at once. I received callback auditions for two plays...and they both wanted me to play lead roles. AND THEN THEY MADE ME PICK BETWEEN THEM, AAAH. For the rest of my life, I will be grateful that both were considering me so strongly. And to those that doubted me, when I began doubting myself around this time last year...there you go.
There you go.
I actually panicked so badly that I had to call Kohli, hahaha. It was the best idea, though, as she gave me the advice that I truly needed to hear.
I owe that woman for so much, so much...
I picked Miranda + Kyrsten's play, George F. Walker's Criminals In Love, in the role of Wineva. Ohhh I'm excited. :D
That Monday (27th) marked one of my last big assignments due - goodbye stress; good riddance! That night I had another As You Like It rehearsal...so longgg, oh man.
On the 28th, I worked all morning, and rehearsed all evening. Ah, acting.
That Wednesday was opening night, the first of four days in a row of shows every night - and one Saturday matinee. I picked up a book from the library that I reserved, for an essay that I got an extension on (my last assignment for that class). I missed Matty's birthday celebrations that night because I am a jerk.
Work work work, show show show. For the Friday night + Saturday matinee shows, I played my understudy role - a very barely dressed goddess, hah. It was awesome...for those two shows, in Act One, I played my role of Adam, the OLD, MALE servant, and then in Act Two, my understudy role of the very sparkly, very pink-slipdress-wearing goddess of marriage, mahaha. I got some huge compliments on playing an old man...considering I thought I sucked, man, such great words to hear. Such great words.
Following the show on March 31st, a few of us made a mad dash to the Theatre & Film Semi-Formal together...clearly awesome scheduling, yeesh. I wore my red corset and my mom's long black skirt - with my goddess hair + makeup + GLITTER still in full force, hah. So much fun. Rocking out to the Alan Braxe/Fred Falke remix + The Rapture was amazing, ahaha.
After our April 1st night show - closing show, of course - the McMaster Thespian Club officially closed for the year, with a cast party at Shane's house! I ambushed people with a can of whipped cream, mahaha.
...That night was also the first makeout bandit attack. Hah.
I was there until the wee hours of the morning...and then I had rep training bright and early the next morning, bah. I hit the snooze button too much, and jumped right out of bed in time for the last bus to get me there pretty much right at 9am. They got started late, thank goodness. Everything post-training and pre-work was hilarious, to say the least. Ahaha. I worked with Julia throughout the rest of the afternoon. That night Danny and I went out for a walk - he's gonna be an awesome cast member, it's so obvious already. I'm so excited!
My calendar has no more than a dash on April 3rd. That was totally the day I woke up with a giant estrogen punch to the gut, ugh. Then I wore my belt while napping with my heating pad on my belly, which resulted in a fucking BLISTER ON MY STOMACH. Worst. It's still in the process of healing, at that...gah. That day was also the first time I conversed with Dave online in like, years. It must've been about two years prior to that conversation. Crazy.
On April 4th I worked in the morning. That night, I stayed up all night writing my LAST ESSAY OF THIRD YEAR. Yesss. I am so sick of essays. So so very. That night was when I had to hand it in - the very last class of my third year, at that. Annnd I fell asleep during it, ahaha. :D Our prof bought a round for everyone, so awesome. I saw Josh for the first time in ages, it was crazy! After singing Hey Jude with Peter (BEST!) as it was karaoke night at the Phoenix, I managed to talk he and Josh into joining me at Absinthe. Josh bought me absinthe, even. Oh man, too much fun. However, I got drunk too fast and we left at like 12:15, hah. The walk and subsequent stop at Harvest Burger sobered me up, though, and I was fine by the time I got home. Thankfully, hah. Good times with those boys.
On the morning of April 6th, I worked. Bleh. Later that night I had a staff meeting, and then I had another outing to the Phoenix! Hah. I totally remember getting home late that night, and when I came in the front door, Whiskey came to greet me...and as he walked across the hardwood floor, he shook his body out - and proceeded to wipe out! Too cute and too hilarious, ahaha. Best. :)
That weekend marked four days of truly being a rockstar. Hah.
On Friday (7th), after work, I went to the Casbah...I definitely missed Tell The Divers...bah, I saw the Inflation Kills though (always good, and Phil is always hilarious, hah), and FROM FICTION again, finally, aaah! In a way, I'm glad I haven't seen them all this time...as awesome as it would've been to see them progress to where they are now, it completely overwhelmed me to see where there music has gone. It's crazy...ugh, they're so good. So gooddddddd.
Saturday (8th) I went to Absinthe. The Vapids opened, and were lovely. Cities In Dust played, and I made fun of Zach's boxers...Kevin definitely almost pulled his pants right off in front of everyone, hah. I asked him if it was laundry day. :P I also threw ice cubes at him, and kicked him when he fell on the ground in front of me. Hahaha. Sailboats Are White played next, and ohhh was Sex Drive Thieves ever SEXY. Good lord. Then Partytank! played and I poked some guy in the bum with a plastic sword, bahaha. Too much fun.
I kissed a cute boy named Matt that night. Haha.
The next day I worked, and then that night (9th), I met up with Carly at the GO Station...where I finally met my online friend, Mark! What a nice boy. We went to the Underground far too early. Met up with Marco, and we went to Hess to drink for a bit since the show was still ages away. He totally had Madonna on a mix he had made...too funny, ahaha. Didn't catch the first band's name, meh, they were kinda lame. We mostly watched Fantastic Planet on the TV above the bar, baha. The next band's name also escaped me, but they were nice. And then the Gris Gris...so crazy! I loved it. Watching Marco drive away with Madonna blaring is totally a memory for life, bahaha. Carly and Mark slept in my living room that night, and had to get up early. It was great to hangout them, though - and to finally meet Mark!
The next day (10th), I took Lisa out for lunch (she saved my ass a few days prior) to Affinity, a new vegetarian restaurant here - and it's actually mostly vegan. SO GOOD. Bigtime discounts, too. So so so good.
That night, after work, I managed to arrange for Lisa, Jen, and Jen's friend Tatiana to take the GO bus out to Toronto to see Jeff + Adam, a.k.a. FAMOUS PLAYER$, DJ the Yeah Yeah Yeahs afterparty. OH MY GOD SO MUCH FUN. Jeff fell down a full flight of stairs and our night ended in the hospital...hilarious photo ops ensued, after Jeff encouraged them of course, ahaha. He had to get staples in his eyebrow...what a ridiculous night. I am always going to remember holding his hand, while he was strapped to that stretcher, and how he said thank you. And how I said it was nothing.
I am so glad he is okay.
On the 11th, apparently while I was at work, Jeff stopped by my house. I wish I could've seen him. Sweet gesture, though. Awww. Smashyface!
Sometime late that night, after far too many free cans of Red Bull, I lost my solid silver band thumb ring, and my comedy/tragedy masks ring, somewhere in the depths of my room. I found the latter, but the former is STILL missing...bah.
I worked that night (12th), and the following morning. Then the night of the 13th brought about my first exam...and I did wonderfully, hah.
That night I couldn't sleep. Not sleeping ended up in an invite...and this girl got 5am makeouts, hah. So good. Ahaha.
The night of the 14th I went to the Casbah. Wyrd Visions opened...so pretty! Grizzly Bear played next, and OH LORDY were they ever overwhelming. Oh my. Then Final Fantasy played...always beautiful, my goodness.
The 15th brought about my second exam, and then that night I went home for the first time since CHRISTMAS. Michael is cheeky and knows that he is cute, hah. Diana is adorable and she was mostly hesitant of me, haha. Sososo cute.
We have furniture in my living room again! And a new television set! The room is no longer barren. Amazing.
I remember leaving my house that night, to meet up with Scott at Swazzee's, and seeing a "for sale" sign on my aunt's house, next door.
And so life goes.
The sidewalk felt smaller for a few moments.
I ran into Mandi at Swazzee's - I hadn't seen her since maybe Pumpkinfest, aside from VERY occasional on-campus run-ins. My goodness. She let me have some of her battered mushrooms, yummy. :)
Scott FINALLY showed up - and then there was some splitting off of group members. Anyway, Scott and I drank at the bar together for a while. Then he bought some pop to mix with the booze we had to pick up at his place - and a Colt too, hah. We shared it...so gross but totally hit the spot that night, ahaha. We walked to his house and I definitely used the washroom, hah. We walked through the dead town together, and I finally crossed Black Bridge for the first time in my life, ha...in the dark. Ahaha. I sang as loud as I could when we were on it. It felt amazing.
We got to Andrew's house, and I met a bunch of really nice girls that he goes to school with - that are from Simcoe, no less! I talked music with a couple of them. I shared my Grizzly Bear CD, and definitely exchanged e-mail addresses. Such a fun night.
I slept on the couch that night. Ohhh uncomfortable on the back, haha.
The next day (16th) we had Ukrainian Easter lunch...my mom is the best, as she got my own share of Easter borscht ready for me. :) Awww. She even sent a whole bunch home with me! Too good to me. Michael was a troublemaker that whole day, ahaha. God I love that friggin' kid.
I came back to Hamilton that night, and then sad things ensued...I ended up in McMaster's emerg supporting a friend. All I will say is that 7am is far too long of a wait for girls that arrive before midnight. Gosh.
So scary, so scary...
Jen asked me to take a shift that night (17th), effectively getting out of my shift the following morning to study. So good.
...It would've been even better if I would've studied, haha.
BUT.
You receive an offer to get paid three thousand dollars to direct and try to study! Haha!
So for this year's Welcome Week at McMaster, I'm directing the First Year Experience Office's IRIS production. Should be an awesome experience. :)
Anyway, I had an exam that night, and despite studying very barely, AGAIN, I totally felt confident leaving that exam behind. Bam.
The next day, Lauren McKinlay had arranged for a group of us to head out to Mandarin together for lunch...SUCH A GOOD IDEA. Unforgettable: the waiter who randomly came by with a spoon AT THE EXACT RIGHT TIME, the waiter that sang Happy Birthday (haha whoaaa), friggin' Rick getting dessert and such only to decide that he still wanted TERIYAKI CHICKEN (and had it served to him on the same plate bahaha)...oh man, good times all around. Friggin' gorgeous weather that day, too. So good.
That night I went to Absinthe...far earlier than EVERYONE else that said they were going, hah. I came ALL the way home, only to get a phone call shortly afterward from Miranda, telling me that it was packed and I should return...so I did, hah. Goddamn. It was great fun though!
The following day (20th) I had my second last exam...I had tried studying all day, I was so terrified I was going to fail it entirely. I didn't even know how to study for it - and you can't quite PRETEND to know film history, ugh. However...I finished it very early, and I totally did great on it, hah. I astound myself sometimes. That night I ended up on a random trip out to see Josh, Peter, John - and I met Rayna officially - at Snooty. Rayna left, and then the boys bought me a whole bunch of shots, haha. We ended up going for a walk, and playing in a park for a bit. Swings are my LIFE, oh man. We went to their house briefly, and then the 24-hour grocery store halfway between our houses! Hah. I got a bottle of strawberry milkshake, yum. Then they walked me home...gosh, such a fun night.
The following day (21st) I worked in the evening with Zach, and then went out to the Gown & Gavel, where Chris Ramelan had rented out the top floor for his birthday! SO MUCH FUN. I had another (brief) makeout hahaha. Nicole definitely made a stop at McDonald's for everyone she was driving home...man, meatless Big Macs really hit the spot when you're tanked, hahhh. I love liiife.
The next day I had to work 10-6, hah blehhhhhhh. I definitely napped after work...from like 6:30ish until maybe 11:30ish, oops...so I basically was nocturnal for a few days.
On the 23rd, I had planned to go to the Casbah to see A Northern Chorus, but at the very last minute, I decided to see some friends at karaoke at Snooty...and I ended up there the whole night! Haha. In honor of my last karaoke outing with Jeff, I followed his lead and sang Will Smith AHAHA SO GOOD. I was supposed to sing Champagne Supernova with Erik but he left early. :( Pooh. I got a lot of random compliments from strangers regarding my singing! [blush]
I was also a makeout bandit that night, mahaha. Aw, so cute. :)
I met a very nice boy named Ryan, and he and I ended up catching a ride over to the house of a boy named Ben. We caught a ride with a fellow that was bringing along a boozemelon, haha, ridiculous. (But so good...ahaha.) I met a girl named Angie and we totally got along instantly! Such a fun girl, awww. Foosball + random songs on acoustic guitars + singalongs + random kisses = fun night all around.
The next night (24th) brought about my last exam for the year...I had a choice between 50 multiple choice questions or an essay, and 3 hours to complete either one. And it was neat...I was terrified, again, because I really didn't even know what to expect for this exam...and as I was leaving my house, I looked down at the end of someone's driveway, several houses down from my house. Sitting right beside each other, on a bit of an angle from one another...two quarters.
Fifty cents. Fifty multiple choice questions.
Someone's looking out for me, I swear.
I finished the exam in about 20 minutes, hah.
The next day (25th) I worked in the morning, and had a meeting for IRIS shortly afterward. Michele gave me so much stuff to use! So good. She also gave me a bunch of rolls of Press 'N' Seal, hahaha...so random. This is going to be crazy and awesome and good, I can feel it.
That night I went to Laura Brinton's houseparty. I am NEVER going to forget how terrified I was, trying to hide the ass of a joint in my hand. GOOD LORDY.
The next morning (26th) was my first readthrough for Criminals In Love for SDF...thank goodness for awesome directors that call to get you out of bed, hah. There had to have been a power surge sometime that night/morning, because everything completely restarted in my room. WORST.
My mom came to visit me that day, and I took her out for lunch - to Affinity, hah. Donny was there, and I totally introduced him to her and chatted him up, after saying like only two words to him prior to seeing him there, bahaha. He seems nice though. My mom and I had such a great time together. I miss her so terribly.
That night I worked, and then went out to Snooty to meet up with Rachel...which then turned into a million reunions! Haha. After a while, I saw Matty outside, through the window. I thought, hm, I'm supposed to be going to his end-of-year/book burning party later, why is he here? He explained that firetrucks were called to his house ahaha! So, his party was no more.
After a short while, I had still planned to go to the Casbah to see Tell The Divers, so I did...so many places to be at onnnce, ahaha. I got there just at the end of one band's set, shortly before Tell The Divers was set to go up. Perfect. They're great - so talented! Gosh. Dave made some comment about how half of the band was definitely drunk, and I joked about how he was half of the band now. Hahaha. Oh man, I had planned to go back to Snooty but I'm glad I stayed to see Chris Yang...so terribly fucking talented and beautiful, my goodness.
I knocked over Dave's beer, haha.
Sad conversations turning into silly conversations; what an awesome end to that night, ahaha! These days are too much fun.
The next day (27th) I got out of bed late, got ready to go out...and still was late for my SOCS rep meeting somehow, bah. Hahaha. It was fun though - and I'm super glad I'm getting to know Mary, she's such an awesome lady. The trip out to Players with the rep team was great, and then Mary and I headed out to the Phoenix together for the get-together Ciara arranged. So many warm faces, fun times. I finally spent a bit of time with Monica, for the first time in so long...gosh I miss that girl! It's ridiculous how infrequently I get to hangout with her these days, pooh.
The next day (28th) I worked 2-9 (egh) and then went to Jamie's place for the surprise birthday party that his girlfriend had arranged for him. She's such an awesome lady, I'm so proud of Jamie for dating her! Haha. Hilarious times all around. I'm not sure when exactly that birthday-weed-brownie kicked in, but I'm sure the joints shared later that night after I left sure helped, hah! So yeah, I went to the Casbah later into the night, to watch Jackson get auctioned off to raise money for his baseball team. HILARIOUS. I was really just there to make sure he wasn't stuck at a crappy low bid, haha. Oh, boy auctions...
The next morning Darbygirl saved my bum and called me. So awesome of her. I worked...fuckin' all day, blah. 10am-6pm blows. That night, I slowly "got ready" (hah) and went to Lauren's place for her last big houseparty. Well, for a while, anyway. Oh man...I didn't want to bring booze with me, so I chugged back a whole bunch of Absinthe and then proceeded to RUN to the bus, bahaha. So drunk, so fast. And then Ryan shared gin with me, hah. Ridiculous.
Ben, who I had met at Snooty a week prior, saw me and LOST IT. Such an awesome guy! Ryan was glad to see me again too hahaha. I met a neat girl named Deja (yep) and she totally invited me to a houseparty in Toronto this weekend, haha random.
I'm so going, hah.
I got home after 3am, or something ridiculous like that. Shortly after that I struck up a conversation with Paul, and then told him to call me...several hours later I talked him into driving over for hangouts. He was here by like 9am, hahaha best.
I love my life, seriously, so much.
That night I went to karaoke at Snooty again. Erik showed up and I dedicated another round of Champagne Supernova to him, haha, awww. Deryk was there! So random. I also ran into Dave and Donny and I officially met their friend Pete, he's a nice boy, haha awww. I was also re-officially introduced to Darius, hahaha. Ridiculous times that night. So much fun.
Alright, May 1st...I definitely didn't wake up until 2pm, hahaha. I got ready for the day and went off to work 5-9. Matt picked me up after work and we went to see Silent Hill. I totally called it, too...as soon as I saw it I yelled out "THAT'S THE FORD PLANT!" and started giggling uncontrollably, bahaha. BEST. I did it later on, too, ahaha. Man, and the store signs they didn't change, and how they used that same street corner twice...I totally couldn't focus on the movie, bahaha. It was alright though - worth watching once, anyway! Ha.
May 2nd...well tonight's SDF meeting was cancelled since Monica couldn't make it back here, so I caught up on a bunch of things - even put away my laundry and such, gasp! - and then Lisa came over for to hangout before the show. We definitely made a trip to her house...effectively causing us to miss Joe + Ben's set, blargh. Next time. Oh man, we definitely saw Grizzly Bear though...so awesome to see them perform live again so soon! Ahhh so good. Dirty Projectors headlined, and they were nuts. Such sounds - such vocal tomfoolery, ahaha! So much fun.
...And now here I am, writing, trying to keep up.
This summer will be whirlwind and I don't know how I will keep up.
This upcoming weekend looks like it shall prove to be beyond amazing. I am excited.
I had too much I wanted to get done, so when I got in tonight, I had a can of Red Bull. Sometime partway through writing this, I had another, ha. I'll be awake until I work, at 10am. Then I have an IRIS meeting with Michele to follow. Then, I've got to call to reschedule an appointment that I missed AGAIN. And I should probably sign up for a summer school class or two...or at least make an appointment with someone to make sure I'm getting all the credits I need...
Hm.
Ah, life.
Good thing I'm a fucking rockstar. Hah.
Stuck somewhere between motivation to do and to sleep. Accomplishing very little of either one. Is this even new?
Everything bores me and inspires me at the same time - and I either want to get up and leave, or sit and stare. Stuck between both.
Stuck.
Rehearsals and rehearsals and work and work and classes and classes. Lather, rinse, repeat. Routines don't hold inherent comfort. Restless.
Details that no longer stick out in my mind. Fleeting, unlasting.
February 17th marked our first off-book rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection for the Directors' Series. Cockett attended, and was apparently impressed with how far I had come, "considering how busy I am." That's me, Cockett; that's what I do. Hah.
I had my SOCS rep interview later that day. I challenged the interviewers to a napkin race/backwards alphabet competition...both of which I'm wonderfully skilled at, of course. I won, ha. I had them laughing the whole time. Definitely one of my favorite interviews of all time. I actually felt like they were giving me a chance.
And, look at that - I was accepted. :) Welcome Week 2006, here I come.
After work, I went straight to the Underground...and oh gosh, what a night. I have never sung along to Jon Rae harder in my life. They played 14 Years at my request; oh gosh, oh goodness, so huge...so many voices, just voices...
The Constantines played next, and I sang and danced almost as hard throughout their set. I don't understand how they are so solid, every single show.
February 18th was marked by more Directors' Series shows. Darby and I coaxed Graeme into joining us - who can deny free theatre? I should make special note: Kristen genuinely broke my heart in 100. Goodness. Anyway, Darby and I crashed their party (as per my typical doing, ha) and a lot of alcohol was consumed by all.
I had to open the store the next day, pooh. I had fun spending time with Darby though, it had been a pretty substantial while since I had last seen her.
The next day (February 20th) marked the first day of no classes for Reading Week. I had rehearsal terribly early in the morning for a "week off of school"...and attendance was crappy, at that. Argh. Also, that night, I was unable to secure a ride to attend the Sears Festival in Brantford. Ugh...next year, I truly truly hope...
February 21st brought morning work, and then re-filming for Lisa's multimedia class video project...I didn't throw my ass down an icy hill this time, thank you mother nature. Haha. The resultant video doesn't look too shabby, either!
That night, post-bath, the doorbell rang. After scrambling to find clothing, I answered the door...only to see Jeff and Amelia and Jon! They invited me to Boston Pizza for karaoke; I agreed, but needed to get ready first. Jeff and Jon headed out, and Amelia stayed...while I took my sweet sweet time getting ready, hahaha. JEFF SANG GETTIN' JIGGY WITH IT AHAHA. So much funnn.
February 22nd brought more morning work, and then a trip to the mall with Sophie...where I bought EVEN MORE UNDERTHINGS...when will I learn? Haha...oh boy. I'm keeping that goddamned store alive.
February 23rd began in a bit of a panic - I completely slept through my alarm...only to realize, shortly after waking up, that the morning rehearsal I thought I had was actually scheduled for the FOLLOWING day...phew. I worked with Emily that evening, for the first time in weeks. Such a fun girl to work with!
After I worked the night of the 24th, I went to the Underground again. Sailboats Are White...gosh, seriously, if Sex Drive Thieves sounded any fucking sexier I'd implode. And Hoosier Poet...ohhh Hoosier Poet, how I adore the sounds you make. So good.
The next morning (25th) I had an early rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection, and then I worked with Jen all day! Haha, I can't wait until she has her baby. :)
The next night, the 26th, I had an evening rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection again, followed by a morning rehearsal on the 27th. Ohhh rehearsals...I skipped all my classes that day, though. I dunno.
On the 28th I worked early in the morning, and went to class all afternoon and evening. Fucking night classes, grah.
March 1st marked the post-night class Trojan Women cast reunion at the Phoenix. Quite a few people managed to show up, actually...so good. Alexa is now engaged! Oh, time. I sang "I Will Survive" in my sketchy toga at Rick, dressed in his armor. I managed to be pretty entertaining to the crowd, who'd've thought? Several strangers complimented my voice, that was pretty awesome. Such a fun night.
March 2nd was another morning of work, and another full afternoon and evening of classes. Blah.
March 3rd began with more morning work, and then rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection. Then, I went with a group of friends to see Pippin. So very, very little clothing, eee...hahaha, the dancing during the bedroom scene, my GOODNESS did I ever laugh! The musicals that MMT puts on seem to have been getting progressively better - that is, the ones I've seen. I missed The Wiz last year, pooh.
March 4th was marked by tag-team rehearsing - first for As You Like It, and then Pursuit Of Perfection. Ah, exhaustion.
March 5th started with a very early morning rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection again, and then work with Julia all afternoon. I don't think I've worked with her since then, and apparently she's not going to be around for the summer! Bah.
I had a super late rehearsal on the 6th, for Pursuit Of Perfection again - 10pm! So laaate, whyyy...
On the 7th, I had a full day - rehearsals, classes...and a meeting which made for one very unimpressed girl, oh man. Jumping through the right hoops no longer means the same thing in this faculty, it seems. I came to this school for a reason, and now that reason is changing. I'll get my way, regardless - I'll fight to do so, again - but it's just unfortunate that these changes had to be made now.
Always fighting. It's not that I should have these things, it's that I'm determined to get what I ought to receive.
Stuck.
Anyway.
March 8th was our final dress rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection, and it went pretty well. Aside from ridiculously uncontrolled sound volumes, but hey, that's what rehearsals are meant for - to figure these things out, right? So it would seem, anyway.
March 9th was our first show, a matinee. Aside from forgetting to set one of my major props and having to dash off like mad to get it in time (OOPS), everything went wonderfully...well, actually, until the end, when the music volume was so loud during my final, very emotional scene...and it completely threw me off. I forgot the end of my last line of the entire show, and said something that made little sense, delayed, in place of it. As soon as I turned my back to walk away after the bow, I was sobbing. Ugh. Frustration.
So many familiar faces in the audience - Darby, Amelia, an abundance of classmates...support far beyond my gratitude.
That night, I went to Tap Haus after my night class to celebrate Sophie's birthday. It was a week prior, but no fun was lost! I only had one drink - I got chocolate martinis for myself and my lady Sophie - but hoooly crap was it ever strong, haha.
The next night (10th) was our second of three shows for Pursuit Of Perfection. The sound levels were better, thankfully. I could actually GET INTO character because I could focus during that scene, phew. I'm glad that was the show that was recorded, and not any of the other ones, haha...regardless of the fact that I forgot, yet again, to set a prop. A different one, but still. Hahaha. I heard sniffling throughout the audience; success. Also, the director (Heather) told me that her mother attended that show, and I apparently made her cry.
So huge.
The 11th brought a supremely long rehearsal for As You Like It...I was up far before dawn...eek. I had to leave rehearsal earlier than almost everyone else, for a quick run back to the stupid library...so sick of research essays, even though this one is the only one I've had this term, bah. Ruining my life. I managed to find two books on separate floors juuust before the library closed, thank goodness. Then, I dashed home to finish getting ready for the show I had that night.
I brought the cast pre-show celebratory shots, haha...good times. The show went really well, too. We invited all of the other casts + crews to our party, as our show and the show we were slotted with for the week were the last shows of the Directors' Series for the year. As per my prior major involvement in the Series, for the cast party, I brought and consumed another entire bottle of red wine. Uh, yeah...probably would've been a good idea to eat a FULL, REAL meal sometime throughout the day. I was home by 2am because of that, haha. It was a really fun party though! Shane's house was so packed that it was nearly impossible to move anywhere, hah! So much fun.
The next day (12th) I worked with Zach, and managed to survive my hangover, ha.
I felt strangely nauseous again on the following day, the 13th, so I skipped both of my classes that day. I missed going to the Phoenix with Cockett and my stage management class, baw.
The next morning (14th) I worked, then I had an interview...cross your fingers, I could really use that money. Phew. That afternoon and evening, more classes - both of which I wrote essays for. Both written the night prior. How I manage to do this, every time, I don't know. But I do. And, I get pretty awesome marks. Hah.
...So ready for school to be over for a while.
That night, actually, my night class professor decided to nap...and effectively slept through the first few hours of class, hahaha. Lisa invited me over to her place so I could watch Eyes Wide Shut - she had rented it, and we were required to watch it on our own time for said class. I still don't like Tom Cruise, bah. That night, we realized that her project partner Gabe is the same Gabe that used to be in As You Like It. He came over to Lisa's place to hang out with us; we went out for bubble tea, and ended up on a late, aimless drive, sitting silently amid blaring music and high speeds. And I could feel home again.
Stuck.
The next day (the 15th), following night class, I was determined to stay in and write an essay due the next day. Where did I end up? Hanging out with my pretend-adopted-baby-brother Phil, and Kevin and Brandon at Harvest Burger. I AM THE WORST STUDENT. The veggie burger combo I got was fucking tasty, though.
I procrastinated some more when I got home, and then decided that a nap was in order. I napped, and then began writing the essay in the wee hours of the morning. A few hours later, it was done.
...Seems I can't do schoolwork anymore unless some sort of self-torture is involved now.
That morning (the 16th, technically) I worked from 10 until 2pm. Classes and such, and then a trip to Rick's house for a movie night! Aside from Rick and myself, there was Monica and her sister Josie, Julie Ella and her sister Céline, and Noa. I fell asleep during the ending of The Usual Suspects, haha I'm awesome. Then we watched Amélie, and then I fell asleep when we started watching Moulin Rouge. Half-asleep, Rick guided me to the room I then slept in. I remember half-waking to watch him clear the bed for me, haha awww. The next morning, Noa + Julie Ella + Céline had left mega early for prior engagements, so that left myself, Monica, Josie, as well as Rick. We ended up making an impromptu trip to Ikea for some food - I ended up just eating two frozen yogurt cones, haha - and then Rick brought everyone back into Hamilton.
I was far too late getting home to join Lisa as she got her latest tattoo, though. Bah.
I worked that night, from 5pm until 9pm. Then I travelled over to Rebecca's house so we could head out to celebrate St. Patrick's Day...only to realize that we had earlier agreed that she and Monica would meet me at my house. Haha, I'm dumb. I waited at her place, though, and they met me there. Apparently the house party/kegger that Rick had suggested ended up being pretty lame. So, we decided to meet up with a big group of Rebecca's friends at Ramshead. Among those friends was Jordan, who finally learned who Mystery Girl was, hahaha!
That place was PACKED, holy crap. I definitely planned on just having fun and not drinking, as I had rehearsal early the next morning. Rebecca bought a pitcher to share between herself and Monica; after pouring a glass for herself, and then one for Monica, Rebecca then sat the pitcher down in front of me...so I was pretty much coerced into drinking, hahaha. Later, I ran into Rachel at the pub (she's doing costume stuff for As You Like It) and she bought shots for both of us...I owe that girl, haha. She seems like such a fun girl!
Lots of dancing and madness later, we all decided to leave. On my way out, I realized I had lost my wallet...bargh. Thankfully, I found it after about five minutes of searching - I am so luckyyy. Stupid tight jeans and small pockets!
We went to the guys' house, where smoking of illicit substances and the playing of videogames ensued. Holy crap, was I ever gone. Around 2am, Rebecca and Monica and I headed home.
...Just before I turned onto my street, I realized that a wallet was absent from my pocket again. SO COLD AND FRUSTRATING. I was so intoxicated that I had to head back to Rebecca's house to bother her for directions back...I'm surprised I even found the house again, at that. So, so wrecked. I got there, though, and my wallet was exactly where I figured it would be - sitting on the couch that I was on earlier. Bah. I stayed for a moment to warm up, and then headed all the way back home again.
The next morning (the 18th), rehearsal began super early, as per usual...bargh. It went pretty well though - I've finally, FINALLY nailed my lines. Ah, Shakespeare, you wordy fellow. Next time, I memorize DAYS after receiving my script...procrastination kept biting me in the ass, here, hahaha.
The 19th brought about another shift with good ol' Zach, haha. I like working with him lately, it's been so much more fun than when we'd mostly bicker. We still argue from time to time, but it's more lighthearted now, thankfully!
On the 20th, post-class, I had my first two of five auditions for plays for this year's Summer Drama Festival...fingers crossed, yet again. I will be so happy if I am part of one of the casts again. So far, all of the plays sound like productions I'd gladly dedicate my (summer) life to, my goodness. Fingers crossed...
The morning of the 21st was met with more work, and then classes all day. I went to bed really early that night, mostly on account of the medication I took that night...stupid sneezing and stuffy nose and grossness. I slept for like 12 hours though, so that was good - woke up feeling 50% better!
Then, yesterday began with a visit from my mom! She brought me perogies, awww. We also went to the grocery store together, and spent some time here at my place for a while. I've missed her, baw. It was so good to spend time with her again.
I took a long bath after she left, effectively skipping my afternoon class...fuck, seriously, fucking classes. I went to my night class, though, since I'll be missing next week's class for opening night of my show. Haha oops.
I drank a can of Red Bull around 6:30pm last night. Then I wasted a lot of time when I got home, doing a lot of nothing. Then I "napped" for a while. For too long, at that.
I've been up since around 6:30/7am this morning.
And now I've written this entry.
...I have an essay due Monday, one more due by April 5th, and a big portfolio type thing due this Monday as well. I can't motivate myself to do these things now, before tech week starts for As You Like It. Not at all.
I'm stuck.
Everything is just flying past me - always flying out of my hands. I can never catch up. Only reminiscing. Always analyzing. Moving forward, but barely moving. Barely doing and rarely sleeping. Bored and inspired - can't just get up and leave, but can't merely sit and stare, either.
I am so motivated to write a fucking play, but I can't. I simply can't.
Stuck.
...This is really just how I roll.
I just wish summer would fucking be here already.
February 1st I had a number of rehearsals, a number of classes; February 2nd looked very much the same.
On the 3rd, I had rehearsals all morning, and then work all evening. I was too tired to go to a show that night...bah.
The next day, I worked all day.
The 5th was finally the beginning of tech week for the play I stage managed.
The following week centred around my stage management duties. If I wasn't in class, I was probably in the theatre, or running my ass around campus to get everything ready on time.
And, I nearly lost my brain.
...And because of how stressed I became, I actually began a brief stint with SMOKING! Ugh! I'd like to stay partially accustomed to it, as the play I'm acting in (coming up soon) requires me to smoke - and I hate when people inhale unlit cigarettes onstage, good glory - but these occasional affairs with tobacco have to stop. It's making me feel like shit.
Anyway.
I didn't work again until the 9th. Stupid bank account. I hate that I'm burdening my coworkers.
On the 10th, I had another rehearsal for the play I'm acting in. It didn't go perfectly, but it looks damned promising. I'm pretty excited for it. Also that day, we had two performances for the play I stage managed.
The next day (the 11th), I woke up very early, nearly collapsing...and had a major breakdown.
My heart knows what isn't right.
Julie Ella helped put a few pieces back into their right spots, though. I can't thank her enough...I don't think I realize just how valuable her friendship is to me, sometimes. Goodness.
That night was the final performance requiring my stage management duties.
It's over, it's over, it's over.
Prior to the cast party, I joined Juliana, her friend, and Monica, for a drive-and-smoke. Good times. After MUCH driving back and forth to an empty-looking house, we dropped Monica off at home, as she had a long day ahead of her. We finally approached the house later on, and realized that the party was in fact there! The blinds suggested otherwise, hah. I remember Juli and her lady leaving after only a short while - stupid clocks, why must you exist? I drank an entire bottle of red wine, and apparently was carrying the empty bottle around for a while, calling it "my trophy." I smoked more later. Michael, who's in As You Like It with me, offered a seat in his cab to me, even though I didn't have any money for it - and my house is DEFINITELY not en route to his. He said I could just buy him a beer sometime to make up for it, and I think I shall.
In the end, I finally felt relaxed again.
So nice.
The next day (the 12th), I went to campus to see Monica in the Vagina Monologues. She was WAY too funny. Anjie was amazing in it too. It was a really long show, but above all, very well done.
On the 13th, I scrambled like crazy to finish my SOCS rep application form following my first of two classes for the day. I did it! My audition is on Friday, and I still haven't decided what to do for it, hm...
Yesterday, I worked in the morning. Lisa came to visit, and she shared pizza with me - so nice of her. Jen told stories about her visit to the doctor, and I pretended to be her unborn baby's voice, hahaha.
I had a midterm that afternoon. We were given an hour to write it; I was done after about 20 minutes, heh. Then I had night class. I left early 'cause I fell asleep during the first half of the lecture, bah.
Miranda was waiting outside for Monica and I. We travelled to my house, and then started walking in the direction of Matt's house to meet up with him. Then we went to Snooty. I got superdrunk. I danced. I managed to get a boy to get up and dance with me for a bit, hahaha. I also sang Wish You Were Here with the guy that was playing acoustic all night, so that was extra fun.
And it's odd - since school started, I've actively picked up any bit of change I've seen on the ground. I decided to do an experiment, of sorts...I don't even know why. Any money I found, I started to save in a shot glass, but then I had to transfer it to a plastic rainbow-colored slinky on my desk. And as Matt and I walked Monica home from last night, I found a five dollar bill. Gosh.
Afterward, Matt walked me home, and I went straight to bed.
I got just over eight hours of sleep last night...so nice. So needed. I had rehearsal for a couple hours today, and then I had class all evening. I'll be napping shortly. Then I'll be pulling an all-nighter to just hammer out a take-home midterm that's one whole week past due, now.
These past few weeks have been so ridiculously trying.
I'm always so pressed for time, always travelling to the next place I have to be; rarely having time to stop, or to reflect.
When I take a mere moment to do so, it's always vague, always cryptic...
Not now.
Well, not as greatly, at least.
be careful...
forward!
onward!
Many months ago, I realized I was in love with a boy.
I've always been so skeptical of relationships in so many different ways. Marriage, that it may be a cloudy union. Mere dating, that it may be baseless or pointless. And so it goes.
certainly
promise
definitely
This skepticism roots itself in the fear that I will be trapped in a loveless relationship. But how can you be trapped if you're avoiding relationships entirely? You can't.
So I kept my mouth shut.
three weeks...
Before it even happened, I was given a reason to shy away from it. ['Our faiths are not the same.' 'I can't.' 'I'm sorry.']
Same lyrics, different artists. Melody, harmony.
Distances extended until almost complete absences were drawn.
My heart started to say something.
Then, a return.
I kept my mouth shut for months.
I tried to distract myself on frivolous connections.
Distractions provide no permanence, it seems.
No more, I said...
I don't know if that's true.
I acknowledged what was there, and what was not.
I still don't know how to express how truly thankful I was to have what I had.
It became easier to simply ignore what I could never say.
distance - don't think
it really is better, it really is okay
it isn't the same,
minds just won't change
but there's nothing wrong with what is there
when you know what is, what isn't,
and know the distance between the two.
One innocent moment -
[You're so beautiful...I can see you all at once...you're so close, and you're so beautiful.]
...Did you just hesitate?
Did you just try to respond?
Don't hesitate. Don't respond. Don't let him feel oncoming tears.
It is what it is, and nothing more. He knows that. You do, too.
Nothing more.
As time passed, disregard took less active thought to occur.
It became natural to ignore what couldn't be said - what shouldn't be said.
Calling back so suddenly, one night.
One long phone conversation reminded a heart of everything it was fighting to forget about.
Suddenly, words were not about what was, but what should have been.
More distance set; more absences drawn.
Time passing, stumbling to keep up.
Then...another return.
I knew not to read anything into it - it happened once before, after all. It was what it was, and nothing more.
Then, somewhere along the line, I realized exactly where I stood...and I was happy.
My heart was so thankful that I figured it out.
I finally knew I was pursuing honest intentions, and that I could continue to do so.
Through this realization, though, came an even scarier one.
Smiling, warmth, respect...it all started to cancel out.
I was keeping my mouth shut.
I had realized that a moment came, and a moment was shared;
a moment passed, and a moment was disregarded.
One moment missed means so much.
I still had to tread carefully - so ready, yet so skeptical, so fearful...
Tears turning into giggles,
sharing secrets, smiles.
In my heart, I had to acknowledge what was - but also, what should have been.
Then I realized that there was simply nothing I could do.
Faces only tolerable in shadows; memorizing lines and creases with fingertips.
That blurry sort of dizzy feeling.
That sense of imploding.
Feelings one never needs.
So many secrets, piled up in one heart,
only stacking up higher, higher.
I will annoy you; I will frustrate you; I will piss you off;
I will do whatever it takes to push you out of my life forever -
because I can't just stand by,
and watch you date other girls,
watch you fall in love with another girl...
My heart simply cannot take it.
And, if I stay, nothing changes for you.
Nothing will truly change in your heart, if I stay -
because your perspective has been steady, all along,
and my presence marks no loss.
[I won't let you push me away...you can try, but I won't let you.]
Watch me.
Like a mantra, telling myself I'd make it;
the risk of implosion deep-seated like scars,
daily doses of awareness - you can't ignore this, now...
Unfortunate information manifesting in cowardly manners.
Implode, explode - the calm after the storm.
Hearts seem to have surrendered themselves elsewhere.
He has moved on.
Then, of course, coincidence strikes - and eyes meet across rooms.
He was there, with a housemate.
He saw my eyes, but he really should've seen what happened beneath my ribs. Sometimes, eyes can distort the greater picture.
I don't know how to fix how I feel.
I should have given greater regard to Rahim's words when he shared them with me, months ago:
Here's a universal truth that has seen me through 31 years of hearing this from women countless times (like I heard it when I was five, I know, but you get the point...)
You can have the greatest chemistry in all things with a man (like you seemingly have with this individual...)
But under no circumstances should you let yourself mourn someone who does not fully surrender to you. I can understand why, and it should hurt, and you've got to cry and process it out whatever way serves you (I dance and write things into oblivion, for example...)
I am so tired of guys (because guys only do it in my immediate experience) who, when faced with the true reality (I believe in a god that wants us to surrender to our earthly desires btw - someone should write a bible with that in mind...)
When faced with something that will absolutely love them...
I am so tired of guys who will turn away from that.
You don't deserve ambiguity. I don't need to know you to know you're beautiful, intelligent, and passionate.
If someone, even for a moment, hesitates, then they are not anything of permanence (if permanence is what you want, but even then, that hesitation will show up in everything else eventually...)
The ONLY lover anyone should fully surrender to is someone who will surrender to you, and I know it's tough, and I know you're hurting and you have a lot of pain to endure, no doubt, over this.
But he's not the one, and the world is full of lovers dying to know someone like you.
And the sooner you let him go, the sooner you open your heart to that possibility.
But you will have to let him go.
Perhaps he'll find his way back to you, but if he does, he better act like the warrior you are.
Yes, he was so intertwined with you in so many wonderful ways, but not in the way that truly counted.
His heart was elsewhere.
A real man sees a girl like you and forgets about god, or the universe, or whatever.
It only should be you.
So mourn whatever you have to mourn, but girlfriend, this was just an exercise for what is to come.
And what is to come will be far beyond anything you experienced in this.
Surrender to THAT.
...But I didn't.
In the wake of this, will I? Well, I'll sure try.
He left before I sang last night.
It's odd...whenever life seems to get more difficult, more trying, I find larger amounts of money. Every single time things get tougher, the bits of change I find are so much greater in value - the few quarters I found as tech week got progressively hectic, for example.
I found a five dollar bill last night.
Many months ago, I realized I was in love with a boy.
I kept my mouth shut.
I should've kept it shut, changed my mind.
It wouldn't have ever changed anything, anyway.
I may not be able to teach my heart how to let go, at least not now. But at least it's becoming easier for me to ignore what I find painful.
So maybe I won't annoy, or frustrate, or piss him off...
But maybe I'll pull away, instead of pushing.
Maybe I can become invisible.
I said I would...it's happening now.
Watch me.
I saw something happen before he left last night.
I caught a quick glance of it in a mirror.
...It doesn't even matter, now.
One whole month.
New Year's Eve was phenomenal. Carly met up with me here, and we headed over to Julie Ella's house...very much later than the invitation called for. Damn. She saved us some food, because she is lovely like that. It was sooo good, too. We drank and chatted it up with everyone - so much love.
Sometime closer to midnight, Carly and I took off, unsuccessful in our attempts to bring the group along with us. We went over to Mike's place, and met all of his friends and housemates that were there. Everything clicked so instantly; everyone got along so well, so easily. It was wonderful.
I remember feeling really, really happy at midnight.
...Especially when, between "3" and "2," Mike called out something along the lines of "...well this doesn't feel very climactic." Ohhh the laughter.
We listened to such pretty music later that night. I recall my night beginning to draw to a close while we were listening to Iron & Wine.
Returning a ring to a finger.
Iron & Wine through the walls.
Sinking and warmth bringing comfort.
The next day, Carly and I covered a couch together. The whole group of us just lazed around the common room, sometimes not even speaking for extended periods of time. It felt like spring - not cold air, but cool air. The serenity of stillness just feeling so overwhelmingly present. It just felt absolutely good.
Peter ensured we all had "sustenance," which was way too precious - and hysterical. :) Carly and I stayed until dinnertime, and a few of us even ordered pizza for dinner together. Carly has the exact same perfect pizza toppings as I do, which was...ridiculous. Oh boy. Unforgettable: "I'm really sorry; smell your purse." Ahahahaha. Too much.
We returned to my house, and Carly was picked up shortly thereafter.
That next week I worked a whole fucking lot. Tuesday through Thursday were twelve- to fourteen-hour days. I almost lost it...but didn't. I'm tough like that, of course.
That Friday (the 6th), Alanna and I joined Erica and Allison for a trip to Westdale Theatre to view Memoirs Of A Geisha. That was my first visit to that theatre, and GOSH is it ever charming. I can't believe it's taken me this long to finally check it out. I hope I get to more, perhaps this summer (stupid schedule). The movie was rather powerful - my favorite part of the whole experience, though, was when it started and the sound didn't come on...I called out something like "man, it'd be awesome if WE KNEW WHAT THEY WERE SAYING!" And the whole place laughed. Which made me snicker. :)
We spontaneously decided to go to Snooty following the film. Matty Stevens was there! I hadn't seen him in a while prior to that. Actually, I knew a lot of people there that night...which made slightly-tipsy-Tanya become slightly-hyper-Tanya. It made me so happy! The night ended with more visits, and more warmth.
The next day I had rehearsal for As You Like It. I really like how it went. I feel very ready for it.
After that, I ran some errands...and then fell asleep on the couch after dinner, effectively fucking up my planned evening with Lisa. Dammit. I talked with Phil for several hours, though - it was SO great to catch up with him. I miss my pretend adopted baby brother. Argh.
I worked the next day (the 8th).
That's when a lot of things started going really, really wrong this month.
On the 9th, my friend Jay passed away. He had a heart attack...and he was only 23. I know that I shouldn't have beat myself up over it, but I did.
Sometime late this summer, I think, my mom called me after work. She was relaying a message onto me, and a phone number. Jay had called my house asking for me, and my mom knew I wasn't at home here - and she doesn't readily give out my number, of course - so she got it from him, and gave it to me.
...And for months, I kept telling myself: I'll have time to call him...soon. Very soon. Once my schedule eases up a little bit, I'll call him. I'll definitely call him.
I was thinking about him sometime that weekend, too.
Go, go...
Of course, you can't predict the future...you can't assume that these things will happen.
But they still do - it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I worked on the 10th, 10am-2pm, and had class from 2:30 until pretty much 10pm, straight.
...Yep. Every Tuesday.
That Wednesday (the 11th), I went to my appointment with a dentist here...since there would be no way I could find enough time to travel home. All this no-sleep-and-too-much-shitty-food-to-compensate took it's toll on my teeth, I guess - had my first ever cavity filled. The dentist was rather young and attractive, which made me feel silly, hahaha. Good ol' Miranda sending me to a good looking dentist! Ha.
Lisa came with me, and we were going to go downtown after the appointment, as I was pondering a spontaneous piercing. Then I thought about my shows coming up, and decided it'd be best to wait. (Probably best to wait overall for something like this, anyway...) Instead, we made a quick trip to the bakery in Westdale, and got SUCH DELICIOUS FOOD, my goodness. We stopped by Adrian's place for a brief visit, and then we parted ways (I had to go to class, boo). Overall, we had a great day together.
Great days followed by comfortable nights. Hearts relax when bodies feel comfortable, it's true.
The next day (the 12th), I worked. I skipped classes, and my friend Ken took me out to Jay's visitation hours. I am so, so, so thankful that Ken offered, and could do it.
Jay's cousin didn't remember me, but I didn't take it personally.
It's real. He's gone.
He would've been so happy to know how well-dressed he was. I wrote him a goodbye letter...I really hope his family kept it in there for me. One of his little cousins drew a picture and wrote some last thoughts about him; it was so heartbreaking to think about it, to see it.
I don't like to immerse myself in grievance and sorrow, so I took Ken up on his offer to visit a sushi place downtown that night. Great company, and great food to match it. I needed that.
I don't know where my head would be, right now, if Ken hadn't made the offer to drive me.
So, so thankful.
The next day brought a short trip to Lisa's place, and my first readthrough of the Directors' Series play I'm in. I really like the edits that have been made in the time since we received the first draft...this looks promising. Very, very promising. I am really looking forward to performing this.
I went shopping that night, to use some gift cards and such that I had. I got a free bra, and then bought two more pairs of funderwear that I don't need, ha...goodness. I'm getting better at controlling this, really, I am. Psh, they were cute, and they were both the only pairs in each style left in the bins. That's justifiable. :D
The next day (the 14th), I had rehearsal all morning. Carly came over that evening. I discovered that I had entirely forgotten about a mandatory First Aid course for my stage management class the next day...major panic ensued. I HAVE THE MOST UNDERSTANDING MANAGER ON EARTH. Carly and I ended up at QQs for a short while that night. We caught the end of an event...pooh. I saw Marco and Marya and a few other people, so that was good. We hung out with Sean - that was the first time I saw him in AGES. Good times!
The next day (the 15th), as Jen covered my shift for me, I took the First Aid course. And wrote a postdated cheque, which I felt ever-so-mildly embarrassed about, although it's really nothing. And, I passed the test. :)
On Monday (the 16th) I ran some errands around Westdale, and waited at the bus stop in front of Second Cup to go to class. Peter wandered by, and we chatted briefly. He did a twirl before he left. Mike really picked the right hearts to live with, gosh.
That afternoon, I already found myself uttering the words "I know First Aid."
I won't get into it, as I don't have the person's permission to do so - something I feel would be absolutely necessary before discussing it here.
Everything, however, worked out fine in the end.
...But then, sometimes, people don't know when times aren't exactly easy for you.
That night made me truly realize how irreplaceable Lisa is in my heart.
Like Ken's offer to drive me out to Jay's visitation, Lisa remaining on hand for me when I couldn't stand feeling so alone in troubling times...unforgettable.
...I won't forget the phone calls I made that afternoon and that night, either.
Tears turning into giggles,
sharing secrets, smiles.
I mostly slept that night.
Finally.
Tuesday (the 17th), though, was the day that everything really felt progressively worse.
It began while I was at work that morning, I suppose.
I had two bananas for breakfast...and literally had no time to eat the whole rest of the day. Let alone the strength to make anything by the time I finally arrived home, my goodness. Also, it was pouring that day, so from 2pm until about 10pm that night, my feet were soaked. Frustration paired with zero energy sent this girl straight to bed. For once.
The next day (the 18th), my mom came to visit me.
And when she hugged me, I really held onto her. And when she began to pull away, I hugged harder.
Usually she's the one that hugs harder. She just knows...
But that time, it was me.
And it felt really, really good to feel her hug right back again.
I stopped by Lisa's place for a while after that. We travelled to campus together, and went off to our respective classes. Annnd I was in class all night, again.
That night was lighter, though. Easier.
The next day (the 19th), I worked in the morning. Then, my dad arranged for a family-friend to drive my butt over to an appointment...ahhh, appointments.
That day, I was told that unless any problems arose, I wouldn't have to come back anymore.
She's a lovely lady...but gosh, such a blessing to not have to go back.
:)
And then, of course, I had class all throughout that afternoon and evening.
The following day (the 20th) brought numerous rehearsals, a set of auditions to replace the lead female - who QUIT the show...what the fuck - for the play I'm stage managing...ending off the day with work.
Tiring? YES.
To be comfortable, though, distracts from exhaustion. It's true.
Hearts only need to relax.
The next day (the 21st) I had rehearsal all morning again...phew. Following that were two callback auditions. So much more work created, because of that...ugh. That night I saw the first of the six weeks of Directors' Series plays. I was very entertained! That night I met Lisa's sister, and we had way too much fun at Absinthe. I like dancing, ha. :)
I missed the last bus (damn), so I ended up walking all the way home.
No big deal, really.
The night ended wonderfully.
I worked all day on the 22nd, and stage managed our first rehearsal with the new girl for a while that night.
The next day brought classes, meetings, and more rehearsals.
The 24th was a Tuesday - so of course, that meant working 10 until 2, class from 2:30 until 5:30, and class from 6 until 10. We watched a movie that I had been meaning to see for years, now - Dancer In The Dark. And sometimes, it truly feels as though life is timing things for you. Really, Björk...I mean, really...gosh.
That night, so much changed with someone I had seen only hours prior to my arrival home...someone I saw a few hours later; someone I could only talk to through shadows.
I haven't settled since.
That's all, really.
The next day (the 25th) I woke up without having set my alarm. That pretty much sucked. A lot.
That blurry sort of dizzy feeling.
That sense of imploding.
Feelings one never needs.
Sometime the week prior, though, my professor had cancelled class for that very afternoon. What timing...
Since I had time to kill, Lisa and I went to her piercing place so she could get a stud changed. Her piercer seems very nice. We went straight to campus thereafter. I had class. I came home. I began writing an essay due the next day. I "napped" from around 2:30am, until maybe around 4:30am. I finished writing the essay. It's shit, and it's for that professor - from last term - that marks me ridiculously low, always. I'm not getting my hopes up for this. I "napped" again just before 9am, and had it not been for a phone call acting as ANOTHER alarm, I wouldn't have woken up again.
Gosh.
After work, I ran some errands. I had class all afternoon and all evening, as per usual.
The next day (the 27th), I had rehearsal. Then I had to stage manage another rehearsal - which I had forgotten about, when I had made plans with Lisa earlier in the week. Again. Ugh. Then I had work...and Lisa and Andrea showed up, to show me the bears they bought at Build-A-Bear. Lisa bought me a bear pen! It made me so happy...such a nice gesture. After work, I headed over to Lisa's place. The three of us made brownies together (I had been meaning to bring the brownie mix over there for some time now), and watched a movie. I had to leave right after the movie so I wouldn't miss the last bus. Pooh.
The next day (the 28th) was full of work. And errands.
Gogogo.
That night I saw the next pair of Directors' Series shows. I crashed their cast party too, along with a number of other crashers. Ha. I drank far too much, and smoked too much - I definitely shouldn't have smoked that vanilla cigar...agh.
I didn't sleep enough that night, and overdosing on caffeine the next morning made me vomit...oops. I managed to get through work, surprisingly enough. Rehearsal that night, at that.
The next day (the 30th) brought classes, more meetings, more rehearsals. Oh, and while waiting to meet up with someone that afternoon, I sat on the floor near the Tim Horton's in the student centre...I was only there for ten minutes, maybe fifteen, and I almost fell asleep. The student traffic in that very area is INSANE, and I almost fell asleep. Oh, exhaustion.
My mom called that night, to tell me that my godmother's brother passed away.
Colon cancer.
No time to ever truly grieve, it seems...
I was up ridiculously late that night, too, writing two gigantic e-mails. One was for stage management purposes, the other for all-around scheduling purposes. I had a bit of a tricky moment with a friend who is stage managing me for a play, but such are the joys of scheduling I suppose. It feels terrible sometimes.
Then, today, over-caffeination led to vomiting again.
I could barely handle how I felt today, though.
Thank goodness I have Rebecca, who didn't mind in the slightest when I asked if I could borrow her notes for today's class that we have together. In agreeing to do this, she granted me a nap. Several hours worth of napping. Necessary.
Thank goodness I have ladies like Miranda and Monica, who are assisting me - in ways that they probably regard as miniscule...to me, the help is huge.
Thank goodness I have friends like Lisa and Matt, who will always do whatever it takes to see me smile. Even when it seems easiest, it's still sometimes tricky to do so.
And...here I am.
It's around 3am now.
I guess this is the sacrifice one needs to make, having to nap in the afternoon to prevent further nausea?
...One whole month.
I may be frustrated - I have no time to sleep, I'm not eating properly...my day-to-day schedules are the farthest thing from normal - from natural, even.
And I may complain,
I may get cranky,
I may feel really really really friggin' destroyed, pretty frequently.
...But I fucking LOVE where I'm at right now.
My heart feels my work. My drive; my impulse.
My heart knows that what I'm doing is home.
No matter how much sleep is lost - no matter how much my inner wiring is set off-balance...
When I find those moments to really pause, to really take it all in -
For each of those brief moments, I'm truly, truly happy with where I stand.
...What has been decided around my heart, though...that's a different story, I think.
One whole month, and my heart holds so many more secrets today.
So many more, as each day confronts me and passes.
And from now on, I have to keep them in my chest.
No matter how much I feel I might implode, they have to stay there.
I've made it through one week of this, so far.
I will make it.
Just an apology in advance, if anyone's trying to get a hold of me for whatever reason...or if you're just trying to talk to me on msn and the like. I'll probably be (more) elusive and (more) sketchy (than usual).
My friend Jay died on Monday.
He had a massive heart attack.
He was fucking 23 years old.
And he wasn't my best friend by any means; I haven't even talked to him for months.
But that's what's really bugging me, I guess.
I kept putting off calling him.
And I know, it's not my fault. I can't predict the future.
But he was a good guy, and he's gone, and I'm a wreck.
So, sorry if it's hard to get a hold of me for the next little while.
The bloodwork I had to have done over a month ago was to see if I had mono. Which I didn't...thankfully, I suppose. But I actually cried when the results came back negative. I sobbed.
Had it been mono, it would've meant time off - from school, work. No two ways about it.
Instead, it meant I would get better, sooner, and had to struggle through it anyway.
It wasn't fun. Not in the slightest.
You can't ask for empathy, it's true. It's either there, or it's not.
After the bloodwork, I may or may not have gone to class. The illness and passing of time has blurred my memory. I worked that night, though.
The next day (Nov. 23rd) I opened the store in the morning. Missed an audition that I made up for later in the week - wasting my time, regardless. Pulled off a last minute group presentation, which I later learned I received full marks for. Awww yeah. Then I had another Henry V show.
The following day I missed another audition, entirely. No way to make up for that one. Ah, well. Probably for the best. Another Henry V show. Missed Jon Rae & The River/Barmitzvah Brothers at the Casbah that night...I bet it was good. Damn...
Opened the store the next day (the 25th). Another audition. Another Henry V show, that night.
That weekend marked the last three shows for Henry V.
That show is going to be hard to surpass, this next little while.
So huge...
The Sunday night (27th) that weekend, post-show, was our cast party. I brought no substances of any sort with me, and left feeling wonderfully inebriated. Some of the pictures are absolutely priceless, hah. Cockett seemed to really like his scrapbook! I made my page pretty much at the last minute, but I really liked it in the end. I friggin' miss the cast, so much.
Work, work, work. Essays, essays, essays. More pointless auditions. HONESTLY, if you're going to cast your friends just say so. If you already have someone else in mind, JUST SAY SO. I may feel that theatre should work differently, but if that's your approach, I don't care. Just don't be a fucking pussy about it. Good? Good. Ha. :)
Oh, ever since the show's been over, there have been a few Henry V pub outings, hahaha. So awesome. We're totally never going to be able to get over each other...
December 3rd brought about a fairly long day of rehearsal for As You Like It. On my way home, I stopped by the dollar store to frantically obtain things for my 3XX3 acting class final, and picked up some Christmas supplies as well. Also along the way, I had to stop by Damon's house...I owe that boy. He lent me several well-needed books for our essay for that class. He didn't seem to mind in the slightest, but I'm so unbelievably thankful that I borrowed them. I won't forget that. Awesome of him.
So I finally made it home, and got ready for the evening. We were having a shot line run for As You Like It. Dustin was able to pick me up and take me there (I had asked), so he came to get me. I wasn't ready, as per my usual. Hah. Alanna had a number of family members over, and I felt embarrassed that I was just rushing around, not really talking to them - barely being a good housemate. Argh. It was her brother's birthday though, so I'm sure they didn't notice my lack of company too too much. Dustin showed them some magic card tricks before we left, and totally won everybody over. Hah. Too much fun!
I wasn't going to drink at the shot line run (they had non-alcohol options for those that didn't want booze if they effed up a line), but I caved, hah. Then I got SO SO SO drunk. Oh man. We had a huge spoonfest at one point, random! Haha. This cast is clicking too, and so early! I love it.
I worked the next day...unfortunately, hah.
The following week, though, was the worst. Probably the worst of the term...
I remember consecutive near all-nighters (see: short "naps" at "night"), and I remember...doing a lot. Ugh. No time to pause - no time! Go, go!
Amelia ended up sleeping over the night before my 3XX3 final, and helped me with all of the last minute (and yet absolutely necessary) preparations. Angie came out to help too...also, my friends Bryan and Christine helped me out at the last minute. I would've been real screwed without these four, I don't doubt that in the slightest. I can't doubt it. Oh boy.
We didn't even rehearse it once.
I performed (a slightly modified version of) Beckett's Act Without Words. After seeking musical selection assistance from Jeff (ha), I played "Memento Mori" by Matmos in the background. If Beckett wanted the piece to be humorous, my performance sure as hell wasn't what he would've expected.
...And I felt fucking amazing, the whole time.
Jess and I went to Adrian's place later, for a bit of a readthrough-callback. GOSH it was so much fun...stupid unfortunate scheduling. I wish I was playing that role.
I still know I would've been better anyway. Ha.
No ego, here. None needed.
Sometime after that, I went back to Commons Basement to catch the last few performance finals. And then...I don't remember what happened the rest of that day.
Go, go...
I worked the morning of the 7th, and had my first exam that night. I didn't really study...fucking exams. I didn't even really care about them, this year. I had enough stress in other areas of my life to even bother caring, ha. I memorized a ridiculous anagram-like thing to help me remember articles and their authors, but that was it. Ugh...I can't help it. I'm being forced to write about shit that, honestly, I just don't care about all that much. In light of other aspects of my life, really.
Anyway.
The next day, I had to hand in a stupid take home exam.
The following day (the 9th), I had to return to campus to pick up marked items that the professor didn't have ready for me the day prior. Stupid. Also stupid: how terribly low she marks. FUCK YOU, MARK ME AS LOW AS YOU WANT, I don't care. I don't care I don't care I don't care. I still passed. Also, I'll be fine after university. So, ha.
It's remarkable to realize how I don't quite care much about school anymore.
Obtaining a degree, sure...but putting in as little effort as possible to get it.
Hah.
The next day (the 10th) marked my last exam of the term.
GOODBYE TERM AND FUCK YOUUU.
I didn't study for it. Well I did, but not frantically so, yet again.
Ah, university...
If my memory serves me correctly, I took a bus from campus straight to the liquor store, hah. Then on the way back, I stopped by the pharmacy, before it closed, to pick up some hair dye. I dyed it the same dark shade as last year...but it looked even darker this year, ha! So much more dramatic. Weird. I also did it entirely on my own, hahaha. Good fun.
Erica was too ill/busy to hangout that night, as planned, so we rescheduled.
The next day (11th) I worked, with Emily. What an awesome girl! She'll be fun to work with more, that's for sure.
That night, Jeffrey came to Hamilton!!! Yayayayayay. He brought his friend Nolan with him, too. We all went to the Casbah...a long, long search for parking actually was worthwhile - we hadn't missed a single thing by the time we got in, and we didn't waste too much time waiting for the show to start. Perfect!
Winter Equinox opened, and played a great set. I preferred their videos of patterns and such, to those of real life subjects. Interesting overall, regardless.
Holy Fuck played next...and I fucking lost it. I could barely lift my lower jaw. Sexiest music I've heard in a while, gosh. Grrrowf.
Then came Caribou. The beginning of their set proved especially hilarious, as the place was full of loud conversations...and they began very loudly, without warning; two drummers smashing away = yeah...VERY loud. Jeff went "WAAAH!" really abruptly, as he was startled. Which, of course, made me laugh like crazy. Ahaha. What a talented group of musicians, my goodness. And their DVD, which was playing in the background...oh man, too much. They were really good.
Near the merch table, I bumped heads with a boy...somehow, hahaha. We apologized though, and kept going on our respective paths. I borrowed five dollars from Jeff for a shirt (stupid not-working ATMs, grrr). After I bought my shirt, I turned around and called out (something to the effect of) "who did I just bump heads with?" A boy turned around and said it was him. We introduced ourselves; it was Brian Borcherdt hahaha. He's a supernice boy!
I don't remember what I did on the 12th. At all.
The 13th, though, was my first opening shift following Jen's return to manage the store! Yayayayay. Instead of working until 2, I ended up staying until 5. I still feel like I don't catch up with her enough. Still! So awesome to have her back.
The next day (14th) I had to get up early, just to go to campus...blurgh. I got my Henry V sweater, though, and it's fucking nice. Ha. I worked with Emily again that night. Good fun all around.
Greg got too stoned to smoke up with me the next day (hahaha) so our plans were postponed indefinitely. I went to the Pepper Jack Cafe that night (15th). Picastro couldn't make it because of the stupid snow, boo. I had some pretty awesome garlic bread, ha. Alive & Living were super pretty though. So so pretty. And Great Lake Swimmers were overwhelming, as per usual. Tony played his Joni Mitchell cover again. So good, gosh. I made it to the last bus in just enough time that night...phew.
I had an appointment the next day, a few hours before work. Pointless, hahaha...
I went to the Casbah that night (16th) for Sonic Unyon's Christmas party show. Sooo much fun. I got there to see Sailboats Are White's last few songs. They're messy boys, hahaha. Cursed played after that. That was the first time I've ever seen them: gosh those boys are talented. Don Vail played next, and were pretty as usual. Then I FINALLY broke my curse with A Northern Chorus!!! They were incredible.
...At that point, I think, I snuck down to the lounge. Jon Rae was playing a solo set. I had asked him earlier in the night if he'd be playing his song Two Hands, and he said he probably would. I told him I'd really like it if he did, 'cause it was my favorite of his, and I knew most of the words, and I wanted to sing along with him. He said that'd be great, and that he really would play it.
So I got there in the middle of one of his songs, and then someone asked him to play Two Hands. I didn't miss it! Actually, partway through the song I just started singing really loud, even though I was shy at first. I even got the whole room clapping along. Since it was getting louder and livelier, about halfway through, he unplugged his guitar and just went for it. He faced me, and we really played with harmonies and shit. Broke my heart in the BEST way. I got SO SCARED! But then I was like, fuck it, who cares...so I belted it out along with him. Ugh it was so awesome. So much fun! What a huge voice, gosh...
I still caught Alive & Living, after that. Seeing them two nights in a row was really nice. The Inflation Kills played after that...but not for long, pooh. Stupid crowd, and stupid sickness in Phil's body, and stupid...crowd, baw. At least I could still get some water at that point.
I worked with Jen on the 17th, wee! Weird shift though, hahaha. "Christmas rush" my butt. Hah.
I joined Erica and Allison, and their friend (whose name is currently escaping me...argh) on a trip to Slainte. It was weird - I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to go out that night, but then I realized that I could afford to..I finally had time to have fun. So I went...but sometime after getting there, I broke down. Nothing particularly sparked it; so strange. I had to go home though, I definitely couldn't stay. I cried the whole way home too. I dunno. I don't think I'll ever figure out what happened. The short time I spent with them, though, was definitely fun.
The next day (18th) Steve planned a surprise birthday party for his brother (and my friend, ha) Bryan, at Boston Pizza. Everyone met up there, and then Steve called home saying that he "wasn't feeling well" and needed to be picked up. Their parents drove out to Boston Pizza, bringing Bryan along so he would have to run in and find "sick" Steve. Ha. His expression was PRICELESS when he saw the longgg table full of us! Everyone was buying him shots, and since he had already had dinner at home (pooh) I bought him dessert instead. :) So much fun!
The next day I went shopping with Erica! It was good to FINALLY get to catch up with her. I bought myself a lot of Christmas presents, hah.
That night, Deryk came over and brought Almost Famous. Cute little movie. Good to finally meet him! Hahaha.
The next day (20th) I worked with Caitlin. She's a nice girl!
I opened the store the next day, and then rushed home. I wasn't at all ready to go home for the night, but I managed eventually. Mandi had a bit of a highschool reunion Christmas dinner at her house. Cindy and Tristan brought their kids with them...goshhh how time passes. I saw Ty! Yayayayay. Feleisha and Jeff were there, and so were Rae and Ashley, Shelley, obviously Mandi's mom and Egon, hahaha. Gosh, I'm definitely forgetting people, I know it. It was so awesome to see everyone, regardless. I got a touch drunk and ate too much, ha.
My uncle gave me a ride back to Hamilton...I was back here by 5am the next morning, UGH. There wasn't going to be anything keeping me from that get-together, though. :)
I worked with Jen that day (22nd). Another weirdo shift. Joe bought a bunch of DVDs...all of which I definitely resurfaced for him. Ha, lame. Anyway, he joined me here and we took some time catching up, some time hashing out ideas, as we usually do. It was good to spend time with him again.
Mike visited that night, for the first time in around a month. It was good to see him again! Glad we got to catch up before Christmas.
I had to open the store the next morning (23rd), boo. That night was Lisa's birthday. She had a potluck at her house, and then (after MUCH deliberation, hahaha) we ended up at Absinthe. I left a touch early, on account of the fact that I had to work the next day...all day. Argh.
Yep, working on Christmas Eve...good times. Well, it was fun overall, but I was way too anxious to get home. I hadn't been home in months...and that brief stop on the 21st didn't exactly feel like being home.
That night, though, was great. Michael and Diana lifted my spirits. My mom bought a couch! We're steps away from a full living room again, gosh. Dinner was hilarious - especially Michael loudly shouting "HEYYY...'top it." Ha, what a cute boy. GOSH I'VE MISSED HIM SO MUCHHH. I can't wait to see him in the shirt I got him, haha. Oh man, watching Michael opening presents was hilarious. Running him back and forth to my dad was pretty funny too. And Diana...gosh, that girl and her cute baby faces. Those kids make me so happy.
The next day was relaxed, and nice. As Christmas Day should be! As per usual, we had dinner at my aunt Mariya and uncle Stanley's house that day, along with their good friends. My aunt kinda forgot that I don't eat meat, again, so it was pretty tricky to hide the fact that I was upset. The cakes were fine by me though, hahaha. All in all, good times!
On Boxing Day, of course, we got to the mall (ahem, shortly after) nine. And, of course, the majority of stores weren't open until ten...lame. I FINALLY bought new jeans...I've worn the crotch right out of my favorite pair of jeans (that I got in grade 11, hah) so it was about time I got a new pair, hahaha. I also spent about A HUNDRED AND SIXTY DOLLARS AT LA SENZA LKABFNOLAJBN. Oh man. I'm definitely obsessed with buying underthings, aaah.
Later that day, my younger brother and I went to Simcoe. We stopped by Blockbuster to visit Perry (I brought him candy canes, yay!) and then we went to our annual family gathering at my aunt Teresa's house...and I actually saw a number of my family members this year. Gosh, it felt nice. Last year made me kinda sad, but this was so good. Aside from the awkward/uncomfortable moments, of course. But that's family, right? Living through those moments, and just loving.
Just loving.
That night I called around, and figured out that Scott went to Swazzee's. I went there, and looked for him right away, finding him shortly thereafter. He...walked me up to the bar right away, hah. So much alcohol in such a short span of time, oh boy. It was good to hang out with him again!
It was weird, though, to see so many familiar faces that night. I thought Pumpkinfest was weird, seeing so many faces from high school...but that night, I saw people from even EARLIER high school years! So so so strange.
Actually, I talked to Evan for the first time in ages! Apparently he didn't believe that it was me right away...and, apparently, others were asking him who he was talking to, and then didn't believe that it was me. Ha, good times. It was great to talk to him again. He's moved to Calgary! Gosh.
There's something I can't describe, neither properly nor sufficiently, about how it feels to talk to someone I used to have such a crush on. I was so young and immature, and he was that cute older boy. Ha. It sounds so silly to write about. And it was such a silly crush! I was all emo over him before it was all flippy black hair and shitty nautical star tattoos, bahaha. Wait, that's probably a bad analogy. Hah. I don't know. I'm glad that I saw him. Maybe I'll see him again, who knows?
I do know, though, that it felt really fucking awesome to know that I am where I am...
I am who I am...
and that I got here.
The next day (27th) I had an eye appointment...good times. I'm going to have green eyes soon, whoaaa lookout. Two seperate shades, at that! I came back to Hamilton that evening. Mike visited again, and brought a pizza this time, hahaha! It's been great to get to spend so much time with everybody lately, now that I can afford to do so.
I had to work on the 28th, and then again yesterday. After work, I felt weird about getting on the bus alone (I really need to shake that already), so I missed out on the party Mandy held at her apartment in Toronto. Pooh. I still had fun last night - Lisa and I went to Pepper Jack's to celebrate Jackson's birthday! So many hilarious pictures. So many AWESOME pictures! I remember very little details, beyond having fun. Hah. Neil Haverty sang to music he had on his iPod, through a phone. Badass. And...a band played. Hahaha shit...yep, good times. :)
And then I came home, and put on my new tank + undies set.
I went to bed sometime shortly thereafter.
I slept for a long, long time.
I've been lounging around the house all day. Eating whatever I want, as much as I want.
I'm still just wearing the set, ha.
Tomorrow I have to work. Nine to five...yeah, pretty lame.
I still don't exactly know what I'm doing to ring in the New Year. We'll see what happens, where I end up.
Psh. I'm going to go find a snack. And then I should go to bed, hah.
...I should make note, though.
While drinking in the tub the other day (ha), I realized something.
2005 was a year full of selfish assholes - some broke my heart, others used it.
So many people simply do not know what they want out of life.
I, however, do.
I've been pursuing it all along.
And as the years continue to pass, I'm still going to.
I've recently stopped giving apologies.
I've recently stopped giving explanations.
I am who I am - and I'm not going to try to ruin anybody along the way.
If you want to ruin yourselves, fine.
But know that if you hurt me along the way, I can hurt you harder.
And I will, I promise you that. If you do, then I will.
Treat me the way you want to be treated, because I'll always treat you that way.
You can't ask to be loved.
I wrote it well over a year ago, and it still rings true.
And, a year later, I made it.
I made it.
...And I'm still fucking finding baby smiles. Who would've thought?
There is a story that once, when Charlie Chaplin was in the middle of a performance, he received a telegram saying that his father had died. Unable to control himself he burst into tears, but then rushed to the washroom in order to look at his face. In other words, at the same time that he was grieving, he wanted to see what that kind of face looked like.
- from Kabuki Backstage, Onstage: An Actor's Life, Matazo Nakamura
...And that's when Tanya felt all sorts of layers of déjà vu, while frantically trying to finish one essay at 4:30 in the morning.
This is a terrifying, maddening week.
The day after my last entry, I fell ill...for the first time.
I missed school on November 1st.
This whole month feels like a gradual decline, since then.
I worked from 10am until 5pm, the next day...still sick. Then, attended class, from 6pm until around 10pm...no difference in health. Still sick.
The next day, I went to all of my classes. Not feeling as terrible, yet still unwell. That night, I joined Carly + her mum to the Hidden Cameras show at the Casbah. We danced hard, and our hearts glowed.
I managed to switch a shift the next morning, so my director wouldn't slaughter me for missing another rehearsal - I had one scheduled the day that I missed school. Never enough time - go, go...
My housemates were all gone by the time I returned from my classes that evening. I attended to almost all of my chores, even the more tedious ones.
Late into the night, I discovered a message from Mike, telling me that all of his housemates were gone for the weekend too. We visited a fair bit that weekend, and I'm thankful for it. So warm, so happy.
On the 6th, I had rehearsal scheduled from 10am until 6pm...which lasted probably until 7pm, ugh. Go, go...
I worked with Julia the next night. Illness excelerating...
The next day I attended classes, and rehearsal. Still feeling terrible...
On the 9th, I opened the store. My mother planned to visit me sometime that day, prior to an appointment she had here in town, so I saw her sometime throughout my shift. Before she left, I asked if she had to go home right away...she didn't have to, she wasn't busy. I asked if she could take me to the hospital when my shift was over. She agreed to it.
Rather than going to the hospital, we went to a nearby walk-in clinic.
Three hours later, the doctor saw me. A strep test came out negative.
Follicular tonsilitis, he said.
Two penicillin tablets twice daily, he said. Take them until they're all gone. Don't miss a single dose. Stay in bed until Monday.
I didn't miss a single dose.
I stayed in bed, for days.
And yet, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse,
essays, essays, essays,
and then work, work, work...
Go, go, go...
Brief visits, late, comfortable. Illness feels fleeting. Warm, happy.
That following Monday, the 14th, I had rehearsal from 5pm until 10pm. The next night, I had another rehearsal from 5-10, but I couldn't get out of work from 5-9...which made for a VERY unhappy director. Agh.
The next day (the 16th), I opened the store. I remember visiting some vendors in the atrium of the Student Centre, several hours after I finished work. I bought some chocolate covered brazil nuts for my mom, and some nag champa incense for myself. Then I had another dress rehearsal that evening, effectively causing scheduling conflicts with a test, in one of my classes. A new headache. Another headache.
On the 17th, between classes, Anjie and I made a random trip downtown. I wanted to buy boots, but found none worth buying. We lucked out with some great consolation prizes, though - I bought a cute blue sweater with colorful shoulder stripes, some knee-high socks that mostly match (what a ridiculously coincidental find, aaah), and a terribly cute pink slipdress. I love it.
My preview show for Henry V was that night. It went over remarkably well.
Mike visited that evening. More happiness; more warmth.
So simple, really.
The next morning, I opened the store. I missed my acting class that day...agh.
My mother came to my [official] opening night, that night. We shared a personal pizza for dinner, and I gave her the chocolates. We laughed together. It was nice.
That night's performance felt perfect - not just in terms of my own opinion of myself, but in terms of the overall cast. Everything about it was unbelievable.
I found my mother in the lobby, following the show.
When she turned to me, the whites of her eyes were pinkish.
Then, without a word...she hugged me.
Hard.
So huge.
After the show, a reception for the cast and crew was held at the Phoenix. Free snacky-foods = yes, Tanya was there.
Several professors attended the show that night, and the reception as well...I'm in classes with all of them, currently. One remarked that this was "the best fall major that McMaster has ever had, as long as [she]'s been there." All-around solid performances, she said. So huge.
Our director said a speech, in which he said that, of all the theatrical productions he's been involved in, this has been the greatest one. Fighting back tears. So huge.
That night, a phone conversation.
Beginning shortly after 1am; lasting until around 4am.
This is not a comfortable heart.
On Saturday, our matinee show ended with the first two front rows of the audience sobbing. Not crying...sobbing.
At dinner that night, I began to feel unwell again.
Our evening show was just as powerful. This show is so large, so intense.
Sunday morning brought back my intense illness.
I arrived late for our call, but I couldn't help it.
So sick.
I stuck it out for the show that afternoon.
Even if it meant collapsing offstage.
Even if it meant collapsing on the platform, prior to a particular speech...just so I wouldn't blackout and fall off of it, onto the stage.
Even if it meant blasting medication down my throat as fast as I could between two of my scenes.
While changing out of my costume, after the show, I looked at one of my castmates, Lauren (who plays the 2nd Henry), and mouthed the words "did you drive?" accompanied by hand gestures.
Yes, she said.
Mouthing and hand-gesturing "can you take me to the hospital?" followed, accompanied by tears.
Yes, she said, I just have some friends in the lobby upstairs, I'll go see them; then I'll come back here for you, okay?
It took me quite a while to change out of my costume.
We decided to head over to the walk-in clinic, though, in case it was still open...the same one I went to last time. It was open, after all.
I filled out a form, mentioning I was back with the same symptoms as my last visit - having received medication, and yet still not cured.
This time, a projected 30 to 45 minute wait.
I couldn't sit up straight for much longer. I decided to stretch across some chairs.
The receptionist called me over.
She said she didn't care if the people ahead of me got mad; she couldn't bear watching me stretch across chairs, feeling that badly. She told me to lay down in one of the receiving rooms.
I must've only been in there for about ten minutes, but it was so restful...
The same doctor I saw the last time was in, that night. He gradually recognized me.
Another negative strep test.
A new antibiotic. Erythromycin. Four times daily.
The pharmacy several doors down was closed (infuriating), so Lauren offered to drive me out to the 24-hour pharmacy. So thankful for that lady.
I took a dose of the medicine that night.
I spent half the night waking up, vomiting up mucus, and somehow returning to sleep.
I skipped class today.
I worked, from 3pm until 9pm, because I'm too afraid to ask for any more time off.
I received several messages over the phone, from the walk-in clinic, asking me to pick up a blood requisition form. They tried to catch me before I left, to give me the form, but they missed me by moments. So, before work today, I stopped by and picked it up.
And tomorrow, sometime before my early morning class, I'll be getting bloodwork done.
This may be my last update for a long time.
Pray for me, please, everyone.
For now, I'm off to bed.
That feeling of rush returns; that struggle to keep jogging when your heart tells you it just needs to breathe a bit slower, just a bit slower...
There is no time for slower.
Relief is transient, again.
There is a fine line between appreciating life - celebrating life - and ignoring it, destroying it.
I'll hold that thought, for the moment.
Classes, work, and so on. Days blur when schedules are crammed.
On the 21st, I went home for Pumpkinfest. Each night ended in intoxication.
On Friday night, Mandi got dropped off at my house, and we headed over to Ty's place. I remember drinking, sharing a joint with everyone...including Ty's mum - SO WEIRD HOLY CRAAAP, and going downtown for a slice of pizza. I was going to return to Ty's house, but the boy that joined me on the pizza-run was terribly creeping me out. Ugh.
Darby got a ride into town on the Saturday of the festival, but it rained all day. Although we didn't get to spend a whole lot of time outside, we still had a lot of fun. We saw a hilarious busker, had two dryer-runs (ha), and shared a funnel cake. On the Pumpkin Express ride back to my house (awesome in the lamest of ways), a woman let me give her son a piece of the funnel cake. He must've been about two years old. When she wasn't looking, I snuck him another piece. He crammed it into his face SO FAST...cutest ever.
That night, after some drinking under tarps in Scott's backyard (SO MUCH FUN holy crap), I met up with Mandi at Ty's place. His girlfriend broke up with him sometime since I had last seen him, so he was in no mood to go out, despite my poking-and-sitting-on-him-in-his-computer-chair and everything. Sucked. She doesn't know what she's lost. Pity, that. Anyway, after failing to convince Ty to join us, we headed out to Swazzee's. I saw so many faces that night, that I hadn't seen in ages. I saw Josh for the first time in several years. Crazy. I don't remember much beyond being pretty intoxicated, and avoiding rain as much as possible. So much fun.
I saw Adam the next day, for the first time in...gosh, a couple of years, at least. Such a talented kid. I spent a lot of money on crappy festival foods that day - most notably, fudge and cotton candy. I ate pizza every day, ha...I'm gross. Oh, and there wasn't an absence of tiny donuts, they just moved the damned thing. Cinnamon donuts = yesss. My mom took me to the craft fair that day, too. I got CINNAMON CREAM HONEY. I nearly messed myself. My two favorite flavors, ever in life, in one delicious jar. ea;lrbmkwea;lrbkmbao;wjn SO GOOD aaaaaaah. I had it in tea today, actually. Yum.
The biggest drawback to the weekend, though, was all of the gross, GROSS boys from days past hitting on me. What the fuck...
I'm glad I got to see Ty a lot that weekend...I can't ever express enough gratitude for his friendship. I love snuggling into him, and feeling the absence of meaning-making. He'll always be one of my most comfortable friends.
I wish I got to see all of my friends more often. I miss so many people, all of the time...
On the 24th, Carly met me at my house, and we went to QQs. We both got giant spicy soups. Chris joined us after a while, and we played Boggle...Another friend of theirs came, too...whose name escapes me, gah. She was really nice though. Oh, but they're all wrong about the rules of Boggle. Because I said so. Haha. Always fun times with those kids! Mike visited that night, and yet again, I got no sleep. I really have to work on my time-management skills...one of these days. Ha.
I worked the next night. The next day, I had a rehearsal for a presentation for one of my classes. It was frustrating, but we accomplished a lot. The presentation, which took place the very next day, was quite successful - quite impactful. I think we'll fare pretty well, marks-wise.
On the 28th, I worked in the morning. Kinda brutal...I'm still not getting enough sleep, nor am I sleeping under any sort of normal routine. Sucks. That night, Rick took Monica and I to a house party...which, she and I later found out, was in celebration of a birthday, haha. Odd, yet so much fun. I watched two people drink themselves absolutely stupid, to the point of massive vomiting. People...know your damned limits. Haha. Oh man.
The next day, I had my first rehearsal for As You Like It. It was fun. At one point, I'm supposed to lay down on a "hill" to "rest" for a bit. During rehearsal, I definitely fell asleep. I didn't wreck the rehearsal in any way by doing so, though, thankfully.
That night, I joined a group of my friends, and we all headed over to Lauren's house. Tanya's costume? "Freshly Fucked." Yep, I'm just that awesome. It went over fabulously. Again, someone drank themself right stupid, and vomited massively. Limits, limits...oh boy. I gave Mike a ring on his cell beyond midnight, which might've been a bad call - but luckily, he hadn't fallen asleep yet. He ended up coming over again, and I ended up...getting nowhere near a full night's rest, again. Dear Mike: we need to try and spend time together during the day. Wouldn't you agree? Love, Tanya. Hahaha...
On Sunday, another rehearsal for Henry V. I had a bit of a scene rehearsal in the morning, and then we commenced Act runs around 1pm, until...maybe 7pm? I fell asleep during one of our breaks. Agh. This production is going to be big, though, I can feel it.
Yesterday, I worked with Joe...gosh, I'm going to miss him when he transfers over to another store to manage it. Ugh. And with news of Heather leaving soon, I'm not exactly excited to see what will happen. They're going to hire someone new, apparently.
Ah, change.
Not a big fan of you, these days.
After work, I joined Monica, Rick, and Julie Ella to QQs for the ArtsSci Halloween party, with the same costume I "wore" a few nights prior. I got slightly drunk early into the night, and capped off the evening with my good friend Water. I was pretty friggin' sober before I got home, which was good.
I came home, continued sipping water, and felt alright. I started writing an essay...gradually began feeling worse, and worse. Uncontrollable body shakes. Fever? I think so...
Sometime around 3am, the doorbell rang. A friend, going through hard times, decided to stop by rather than spending a sad, drunken night alone. I'm glad she did. I'm glad she knew she could. We talked for nearly an hour...I cried with her. For different reasons...personal reasons...individual reasons.
I procrastinate, and then write shitty papers and get mediocre marks. I get by, but I can accomplish so much more. I've stopped caring. I'm not happy with where I stand, but I'm struggling to just move through it all anyway.
I've got an overload of courses right now (six instead of just five), I work, I'm in a play that's opening soon, I'm in another that opens at the end of March, I've got a pile of papers due over these next few weeks, soon I'll have exams...and I just skip through it all, tra-la-fucking-la-dee-da, and settle for whatever I can achieve by putting in as little effort as possible. I take extra-curricular activities (the plays) more seriously than my classes a lot of the time. I feel like it's hopeless to invest that much effort in my classes, because I always feel like I don't have enough time to actually invest in them.
Never enough time.
Never appreciating enough, just ignoring it.
Never celebrating enough, just destroying it.
Sure, I could drop a course or two, maybe ask for less hours at work...but I won't.
If I start something, I see it through to the end, no matter what.
And it's all finally catching up with me, and wearing me down.
Lovely.
I'm just afraid that, if I alter anything, I'll stop appreciating the things in my life that I'm genuinely thankful for. There are so many factors, so many elements that I can be happy about - and I don't want them to change. I like the way certain things are in my life right now. I am happy.
...I think I just need to learn how to budget my time more wisely.
My hectic heart is slightly slower - and yet still crazybusy, without question. I don't feel rushed, though, or like I'm struggling to keep up. A relief.
A large relief.
Days fly past faster than I can keep up. I wish I had more time to write, to reflect...but it's alright, really.
I don't quite recall what I did on the 30th. I know it must have involved work, and then...? I had planned on attending one of two potential shows, but I didn't make it to either one. And I can't remember what I did instead, for the life of me. I suppose that's what I get for letting this much time pass before writing...
On October 1st, I opened the store. I got there around 9am to open, and worked from 10am until 6pm. Then, I had an audition for the McMaster Thespian Club. THEN, I rushed to campus for a rehearsal I was supposed to be stage managing (for a class, actually). Like the only other rehearsal we had, only one of the two actors made it. Frustrating, but we worked around it. And it was a great rehearsal - we ended a couple hours early, at that.
On the 2nd, we had our first "full" run of Henry V. I memorized all of my lines while waiting for the bus. There aren't many, but still, haha. This play looks promising. Very, very promising.
I came home to an offer for the role of Adam in the Thespian Club's production of As You Like It.
Awesome.
Best kind of stress, I really mean it. :D
On the 3rd, I picked up the textbooks I had to raincheck. Also, I was talked into a rehearsal for one of my acting classes...terribly frustrating to rehearse when you haven't had time to memorize a single line, you have the most in the piece, AND you know you have to perform the next day. Aghhh.
I memorized all of my lines that night, surprisingly...and then remembered about half of them for the performance, hahaha. WHAT, I tried. At least my characterization was there, which is what really matters for the class. It went over well anyway, the others picked up for me a lot. Especially Lauren, that fabulous lady!
I worked that night (the 4th), which meant I had to miss Allison's birthday celebrations...fuck. Monica convinced me to get bubble tea with her, so I got to vent to her for a while. Then, I went to bed fairly early, compared to most other nights this whole month.
We got more bubble tea the next night (the 5th), hahaha. Spendspendspend. I gotta work on SAVING money...that shit's not cheap. Then we got pitas! I'm terrible, ha. When I finally got home, I almost opted out of writing an essay due the following day. I wrote it, though. I'm pretty sure it sucked. Ehhh. Wait...I'm a student? What?
I became ill as shit sometime in there...I handed in the essay on the 6th (as it was due that day), and immediately returned home to sleep off my illness. Effectively skipping both of my classes for the day, no less. Mike visited and rubbed my back for hours...hours. So nice. He ended up staying at my house for a long time that day/night. It was nice to spend time with him again.
distance - don't think
it really is better, it really is okay
it isn't the same,
minds just won't change
but there's nothing wrong with what is there
when you know what is, what isn't,
and know the distance between the two.
I worked the next night (the 7th). Missed another show, gosh. It's been a while since I've gone to one. Weird.
I wasn't able to go home that night, because I had to work the next day (a Saturday). SHITTY. I was crabby and sick-feeling, all day. Not so fun. My mom picked me up about half an hour after I got home, though, and brought Matthew with her. I bothered him with the kittycat, haha.
So I was able to go home...for about 24 hours, if that. Our garage was BARELY cluttered, compared to the state it has been in for...gosh, at least a few years now, anyway. The living room is still empty, so that's...still weird. Also, my father cut down a big tree in our front yard, and the giant one in the back yard too. I hate it. It all looks really dead now. Really bare. Really empty.
All of the thoughts running through my head - all of the comparisons and connections made - overwhelming. I tried not to think about it, or even look at it all, really.
Too much, too much...
I got to visit Michael and Diana that night. Diana's learning to crawl, and is making as much progress as Michael did - she knows how to crawl backwards, hahaha. Poor babygirl. She'll get it eventually. She had this ultimate look of I-could-either-start-laughing-like-crazy-or-start-bawling-so-be-carefulllllll on her face when I first got there. After a few minutes of playing with her, she was laughing like crazy. The simplest things I'd do would make her laugh sooo hard. I think she'll be a snorter...she kinda laughs with her mouth open a bit, and as soon as she makes more noise when she laughs, it'll totally be snorts. Hahaha. Best ever, if she does. Michael is hilarious, as per usual. I made him fly, ha. He still gives little headbutts...best kid ever.
Chris isn't occupying my bedroom any longer, so I got to sleep in my own room again, finally. Although, it took me forever to fall asleep. I wish my stereo wasn't magically broken a while ago...urgh. I can't sleep in silence all too easily anymore.
The next morning, I got to spend a lot of time with my little brother. We watched Life Is Beautiful together. I cried a bit. He watched from his computer chair; I was snuggled up in his bed. We joked a lot. So much fun.
Scott came over a short while later...hungover, hahaha. He joined us on a cauliflower excursion to another town (apparently there wasn't a single head of cauliflower to be found in my town, hahaha), and a quick run for some gut rot. Halfway along the ride back, my brother had to pull over so Scott to puke...I guess the gut rot became more literal than joking, HA. Poor Scottypants.
We spent some time downtown upon our return, and sat on a bench to talk. Chris and Wayne, Melissa and Kelly's parents, passed by. Weird, considering I had spent a few moments thinking about them the day before. Ah, strange-and-contemplative coincidences...well, anyway. Scott and I returned to my house and shared silly internet videos, and then his hangover got the best of him - he left shortly after that. I miss him already! I never see him enough.
My brother joined my dad in returning my bum to Hamilton that night. We went out for a quick, greasy dinner along the way. I bothered Matthew with Whiskey again, ha...he loves cats, I don't care what he says.
As I sat in front of my computer that night, I realized that my visit home felt like it didn't happen.
The next day (the 10th), rather than doing ANY schoolwork, I wasted the day. Mostly sitting around and wallowing in my illness, no less. Lemon-flavored-knockout-medicine-drinks are wonderful, though, ha...
The next day was a Tuesday...pretty much speaks for itself, ugh. I really wish I wouldn't be required to work on my deadliest day of the week, this term. Sucks. EVERY TIME.
The next day (the 12th) was lovely. So lovely. Despite the fact that I was still sick, it was raining...I took a very, very, very long bath (even beyond the notorious length of time that I usually take) and got very, very, very prettied up. Just because I could. I went to my night class, where the professor had forewarned that she would be absent due to a conference...or something. We were to watch films all night, and have a look at our tests from the week prior. We only have half of our marks for those (too ridiculously complicated to explain...and lame) but so far I'm at 100%. YESSS. The DVD player started to malfunction after the first screening segment, so we all left really darn early. Miranda made a nice comment about my eyeshadow that night. I walked home in the rain, and bought myself a pita along the way.
When I got home, Monica invited me to join her and Julie Ella at QQs. I obliged, of course. Graham + some friends came too, just as Julie Ella decided she had best head out. Laurel (one of Monica's housemates, actually) and I talked about music for a really long time. She went to M.I.A.'s show on the 26th! Julie Ella came back for a brief while (haha, we called it) and I wrote her a love letter, ha. Such a good night.
...So I got home at about 1am. Then, around 2am, I began writing a four page response paper...yep, due the next day. Almost backfired this time - I opened my notes and realized I only had one week's worth - the first week's notes. The next week I missed, the next was the night I didn't have my backpack, and the next I missed again...and I didn't even realize it until I opened my binder to start that friggin' paper. Scary. Also, I'm largely in debt to Noa, who saved my bum. Not only did she help me brainstorm ideas, but she volunteered to edit it for me. I told her, if I got an A, she'd be getting a big friggin' dinner for all her help.
The next night, in that class, we watched two things that really grabbed my attention. First, two sections of the Phoenix Tapes. Second, a short called Le Chapeau. Both were phenomenal for so many more reasons than I can conjur. Gosh. I felt...affected...for the first time in a long time by media. So good.
Then, after class, Lauren and I went over to the Phoenix together. She had suggested a Henry V cast outing for that night. A fair amount of people showed up, so that was awesome. I got really drunk really fast, as planned, hahaha. Cockett (professor directing the play) showed up, even though he has a fair distance to travel home. Although he says he doesn't do shots, I bought two and got him to do one with me. HA. Matt snapped a HILARIOUS picture of him. I remember a few of the other shots I did (with or without others, haha), I remember Matt buying me and a few others some drinks, and I remember Lauren and Laura buying a round of shots...but beyond that, I just remember having fun all night. Oh, I remember going out onto the porch at one point, and a random voice coming onto the speakers, reciting unusual poetry. Purely for humor's sake, I called out, "...Jesus?" A lot of people heard me and laughed, hahaha.
I happened to leave relatively early into the night. The bus home was PACKED, full of obnoxiously drunk youngins. Gross. I told the driver I had a lot of respect for him for "putting up with them all" just before I got off. He and some nearby not-as-young guys laughed.
Mike stopped by for a brief visit that night. I ranted drunkenly about movies. I probably didn't make much sense. I went to bed really rather soon afterward.
I had to open the store the next morning, so that sucked. It wasn't terrible, really, aside from being TERRIBLY FUCKING HUNGOVER. So yeah. I had a doctor's appointment shortly after 3pm, so I had to miss class (egh). That evening, I was still feeling ill, so I decided not to attend the SDF steering committee meeting...durn. I had a lot of fun that day/night, though, giggling with Alanna (and Meghan, when she'd take long study breaks) in front of the television. I had a really, really late bath before bed, mmm.
I had to be up early for rehearsal on Saturday, so again, I screwed myself over for proper sleep. It went from 10am until 3pm. Monica lost her voice, ha. I had so much fun - and, again, this production feels so promising.
Matt and I wandered around campus to kill time for a while after rehearsal. We chatted; he gave me some good suggestions. He's got my back, that boy. I like that he watches out for me.
At 4pm, we had our first readthrough for As You Like It. Graham and I spent most of it writing notes and whispering. Hilarious. We were done sometime before 7pm, and Graham and I headed over to Monica's house together. Her voice prompted much phone humor, haha. She and I went to QQs. They have pretty tasty spring rolls, mmm. I finished off her mega-spicy soup. THE MUSIC KEPT MATCHING THE MOOD OF WHATEVER I WOULD TALK ABOUT, aaahaha. We chatted and chatted, for so long...I thought it must've been beyond midnight (which usually happens, ha) but it was about 10:30. Ridiculous. My body was definitely ready for a big sleep.
When I got home, I noticed that Mike had messaged me, suggesting a visit. After I finally managed to get a hold of him, we decided to hangout. He told me a lot more about his little sister...gosh, she seems so adorable. TOO adorable. He came over relatively late, and stayed even later. I think I got about an hour of sleep that "night," agh. I suck.
...So I had to open the store on Sunday. UGH. So deadly. Not only did I miss another run of Henry V, but I was missing sleep, gragh. I got there around 10, and then Zach showed up around 10:30, thinking he had to open, hahaha. He worked on an essay, in the meantime. He bought me a slice of pizza later, which was beyond nice of him to do. I may have been crabby working with him (as I usually am, mainly due to lack of sleep), but it was nice to work with him that day. Despite wanting to pass out (and nearly doing so, several times,) I had a lot of fun.
I got home shortly after 5pm. Around 6pm, I decided to nap.
I woke up around 7:30 or so, and realized that napping was probably the WORST IDEA EVER.
I felt refreshed, but still. Never good in the long run.
I did a whole bunch of laundry, as I've been putting it off for a while now. I even cleaned my room - like, moved everything, dusted everything, reorganized everything - and then...I began compiling my portfolio for my stage management class, hahaha. GOSH. I'm terrible. I even took another notoriously long bath before bed. I felt so, SO rested by the time I got in my bed...not only did I have a freshly washed, dryer-sheet-scented bed, but I had burned some incense, and even sprayed a calming scent before climbing in. It would've been even better, though, had I actually gone to bed at a decent time. Ha, ridiculous.
So I woke up today after about six hours of sleep...not bad, really. I've only got one class on Mondays, so after being let out a touch early, Monica and her fellow TA Heather and I went to Quarters for lunch. Our waitress was returning with our bills and the second glass of water I requested, while I was re-enacting a bit of a humorous moment from Saturday's rehearsal. I was flailing my arms. Water wasn't spilled, but I definitely hit the waitress in the arm. I'm awesome. So I gave her a four-dollar-tip for my just-under-seven-dollar-meal.
Later today, Melissa and I FINALLY got to hangout again! It's been waaay too long. We chatted about boys and crushes and uncrushes and just generally everywhere that life has taken us lately. I miss that lady SO much.
Earlier this evening, Whiskey snuggled into my lap while I sat at my computer. I had my free hand rested on my lap, and in his sleep, he stretched his paw into my hand...we held hands while he napped! He also used my boob for a pillow, haha awww. He's been napping on my belly a lot lately, whenever I've made time to lounge in front of the television...so cute. Best cat evereverever.
I made bean and veggie-beef burritos for dinner tonight. I didn't eat much...I think the food at Quarters didn't wanna sit comfortably in my belly, pooh.
I've been dicking around on the internet for a while...and now, rather than going to bed early like I wanted to...I'm about to meet Monica.
At QQs.
Not for bubble tea, though. I want soup.
AWESOME. Awesome.
I am pure awesome.
I don't care how tired I am! Life is pretty damned amazing right now.
Now, off to continue appreciating how great it is...
The night of my last post brought about an audition for McMaster's Fall Major production, Shakespeare's Henry V. Went well - got two callbacks. Later that night, I attended a free show at the Casbah. I missed Offensive Orange (garrr) but caught The Rest's set, which I think was the best I had ever seen them perform. Cities In Dust played, and Zach played the rockstar, as per usual. Caused a lot of beer to spill on a lot of people that wanted to drink that spilled beer. Blah blah, I went home.
I didn't attend the second Wreck The Rep night, as aforementioned. I spent the night with some friends, instead. Wasn't in the mood to dance that night, as it turned out.
And then work, work, work. Strange feelings of social anxiety; a few nights of skipped public outings, shows...like open air would drown me.
Who knew.
Frantic travels to pay bills, attend meetings, fulfill all the little tasks life requires of me.
Eating becomes a chore. Sleeping becomes a chore. Checkboxes on checklists.
Go, go...
The 20th brought birthday celebrations for Rick at Hess. I got pretty drunk. Fun was had by all.
The 21st marked my first of two callbacks for Henry V. Then a brief meeting with Steve, which also brought a visit with Sophie. Those two have become so important in my heart, gosh. Then, a 4pm meeting at the Art Museum. Then night class...
Days, packed, from top to bottom. Twelve hour, thirteen hour, fourteen hour days...
The 22nd began with a workshop-style class, then the second callback audition. Then, a class skipped, in lieu of attendance for the Summer Drama Festival Steering Committee meeting.
Like butter, thinly spread...
I opened the store the next day - a Friday. All customers that morning either made me feel mean, or made me feel small. Then, following a quick run to the bathroom in the backroom, I returned to find the store engulfed in cloud...roofing in another store near to us in the plaza - cloud full of tar smells, woodchip smells...head full of ache. The day chewed apart from me, bit by bit. A relatively frequent customer, whose name I soon learned was Ken, approached the counter near the end of my shift, inquiring about good music. I expressed my joy regarding this. Conversation. Invitation. Day made a tiny bit brighter.
Joe was also there, and joined me on my travel back to my house. I almost broke down, but instead, merely told Joe about my day. Alanna also joined us, for a while. We talked at fair length. I felt better.
My return home led me to receive a message left over the phone: I received the role of Dauphin in Henry V.
Theatre is the best kind of stress, really.
The next day was the beginning of schedule complication - acting in two scenes, and stage managing another for a week-long assignment for class. Rehearsal was supposed to last for several hours; I could only stay for (not even) two hours. Dashed off to work. Nausea. Food. Food consumed too quickly. Nausea. Overwhelming urge to sleep. Frustration. Notable fun had with Zach that shift, though, so that made up for a lot of it. He really is a nice boy when he stops trying to perform particular personalities.
...I just realized I missed Melissa's gathering that day, post-work, and I feel like an asshole now. Ugh.
Monica, Rick, and Carly met me here for John's kegger. I was the last to be ready...apparently, that's how I roll now, ha.
Ten dollars. Countless greetings upon entry; countless familiar faces. Drink, drink, drink. Marking my game to the group. I got the last of the blue stuff? Leaving, so, moving right along...gosh that one's acting strange. Krystal saved my life. Desire to chat with one. Strange, undesired conversation with another. Storytelling...alright folks, you'd better get moving. Sorry, he's busy. Who's headed where? I always kick off my shoes. Reunion after reunion outside of Pita Pit. Let's go home, let's go home. Pick him up, he's falling onto the sidewalk. Goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.
The next day was our reading of Trojan Women at the Art Museum. I was hungover, and slightly flu-sick. The anti-nauseant pill started to really kick in after our physical warm-up (because we definitely needed one before a SIT-DOWN READING of the script...geeeeeeer). I was drowsy through the whole thing, and nearly fell asleep after my scene. Fighting to stay awake made me feel sick again. Bluh.
A few of us got pitas afterward, though, so that was fun.
I came home and passed out for a while.
I woke up when Monica arrived, as we had plans to go to the Casbah. I was on the guest list...good times. We caught a few bands, but my memory is clouded by medication, so their names escape me. They were quite lovely, regardless.
The next night (Monday night) I went with Ken to Toronto to M.I.A.'s afterparty. We definitely felt that five dollars was too cheap for the place we went to. Definitely. Big men in solid black suits, opening all doors...inner doors of solid glass, brass handles...marble floors...huge, full-panel, curved leather couches...golden chandeliers above each one - surrounded by multitudes of flowers, hanging from the ceilings...bathroom attendant to pump soap into hands, to hand out hand towels (which were tossed in garbage bins)...asking to steal some hairspray, and then also getting a couple squirts of hand lotion...overwhelming is an insufficient term.
Diplo spins great shit, though. And I met M.I.A. - she's short, and very nice!
We slept on Ken's friend's futon that night. Oh, the entourage nicknamed me T-bone. So dug that. Ken's friends are amazing people. I had such a great time that night.
I skipped two classes on Tuesday. Set me even further back, but...ugh. I don't know, I have no real excuse. I get selfish at the worst possible times, it seems.
Monica, Noa, and I went out for bubble tea after I was done work that night. We're such idiots when we play Boggle there (which we always do) and I LOVE IT. My consciousness began crashing, though, so we left relatively early into the night.
Work, work, work. Class, class, class. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. Go, go, go...
Yesterday, I thought a rehearsal was supposed to run from 8:30am-9:30am. I later learned it was from 8:30-10:30, but that's irrelevant, really.
I woke up at 8am, and cried in bed until around 9.
I called home...answering service. Left a message past tears, asking if it would be okay if I could come home next weekend.
I need sleep. I need sleep, and homemade meals. I need someone to tuck me in, maybe rub my back until I fall asleep. I need to see my mom. I need to see my cousin. I need sleep.
Monica called at the approach of the hour. I think the way I sounded must have scared her. I collected my thoughts, though, and hurried to campus for rehearsal. Luckily, they were not mad...or they didn't express it. Rehearsal went well, though.
I finally bought my books for this term, yesterday. Yep, almost a month into the semester and I just bought my books yesterday. Ugh.
I decided that I could no longer wait to purchase a straightener, so I sent some instant messages out...a while later, Lisa and I travelled out to the mall so I could buy one.
We took the wrong bus, and ended up at the HSR centre...thinger. I don't know what it's called. In any case, when we took one to get us out of there, Lisa and I had to part ways, as she had to attend class to receive information about an upcoming assignment. So, I went to the mall alone.
In light of the day being shitty, and the week being so hectic, I decided I deserved new underthings. Expensive underthings. Trashy underthings, of course. I got one expensive-but-not-so-trashy bra, and two pairs of very trashy funderwear.
I ran into Tyler and his friend, shortly thereafter. Told them what was up, and the purpose for my purchase - showed what I bought, even - and told them my plans for my next purchase, too. Tyler suggested that, shitty day or not, at least I'd be hotter now. Hahaha.
I bought a high-quality straightener, which was largely on sale. After tax, it was about $195...oops, ha. At least I'll be hotter now...? Yeah, I'm definitely gonna get scolded for this. Eh, that's what you get when you share a bank account with the parents so they can help you pay for school...lalala...
I dashed home, then back to campus for a ridiculously lengthy night class. Afterward, I had an audition for McMaster's Musical Theatre group. Discussing the current week's scheduling sucked...oh, life.
Today, my first class was at 12:30...and at noon, I finally noticed that I didn't have my backpack. I had left it at the audition. Awesome. I attended two auditions without my script - one rehearsing (which I skipped a class for, ahem), and one stage managing. Scrambling around to make ends meet wasn't much fun. Actually rehearsing was fun - and despite some absences in the second scene, stage managing was great fun too. I mean it: theatre really is the best kind of stress. It's the most fun I've ever been able to have while stressing out like crazy.
Oh, HSR has gone on strike as of today. Awesome. Since I wouldn't have time to go all the way home to make dinner, as I had previously planned, I bought a meal to go at our campus pub. Then I dashed off to tonight's night class...still without my backpack. Since I wasn't taking notes, I was definitely thinking about everything rather than paying attention to what was being taught. Ah, well.
During our break, I was able to run off and FINALLY pick up my backpack.
I wish I could start packing it to go home, right now.
I can't.
These next few days are going to be ridiculously hectic.
I wish I could promise myself not to break down again,
but words are just words, really.
Chances are pretty high...but I'll try not to.
I'll try not to.
My mom called earlier tonight - she called last night, following the message I had left her, but I wasn't home. We chatted. She inquired about my desire to come home. I asked, again; fought tears, again...I've just been so busy lately, I said. It's true. I just need to come home and sleep, I said. It's true. She asked of other things, more things. No more, I said. Nothing more to it.
I don't know if that's true.
I just need sleep. A back rub, until I fall asleep. Maybe someone to kiss a little more often than not.
Watching myself act is too difficult to describe. That screening was fun, without question...but when my scene came up, I was dead silent. I started getting back into the feel of the character, and fought back tears.
Always fighting back, I suppose.
August 25th brought a sleepover party at Carly's house. Rock candy, beanbags for a bed, cross-town hunting for gift giving...good times altogether. Carly's a fun lady.
On the 26th, I joined a number of Summer Drama Festival friends for a trip to Kingdom. I walked there and back mostly barefoot. Drunkenly washing my feet in parking lot sprinklers proved fun. I ended up eating for free at a fast food place, after causing a loud scene among our group. Awesome.
The 27th was going to be a lazy day, but became a long, busy day of fun. Meghan began moving her belongings into the house - finally!!! - joined by her brother, parents, boyfriend, boyfriend's brother, and boyfriend's parents. Wonderful times.
Shortly before they headed out again, Lisa called and invited me to her apartment that night, for a gathering. I invited Carly to join me. Lisa's neighbor supplied everyone with a free shot of vodka. So strong. Good times there, that night.
Carly and I were craving bubble tea, so we skipped out relatively early. Bubble teas in hand, we travelled over to the Underground, which we were both too broke to enter. I seem to recall Brodie saying my bubble tea tasted like old ladies...pah. Shows him: how does he know what old ladies taste like? Hah.
After lovely conversations with everyone we saw that we knew, we headed off. We both recognized Graeme and freaked out - and then freaked out some more, realizing that we keep discovering mutual friends between the two of us. (How weren't we friends sooner...?) He asked why we were leaving. We were too broke. He offered to pay for both of us to get in. We argued. A lot. Finally, he won. What a nice boy! Moneybags...
Silent Film Soundtrack was wonderful...so lucky to see them so soon after Murdered City! Inflation Kills was great, as per usual. No disappointment, here.
Also: hilarity regarding Chris not knowing my last name. Svrasso? Williams? Too much funny.
Carly, Chris, Phil Williams, and I went to the Pita Pit. Yum. Melissa was there - so good to see her. We travelled over to Chris' house, and sat outside. Phil told us about something he was planning. His girlfriend is so, so lucky.
The next day (the 28th), I worked. After work, I met Noa and her friends at East Side Mario's to celebrate her five year anniversary in Canada. Always lots of laughs with that lady.
I have no recollection of what I did on the 29th, aside from work. Bargh.
On the 30th, Noa and I embarked upon a cross-city adventure that lasted all day. First, I had to pick up a package that I wasn't home to receive. It was sent to the delivery centre...all the fucking way across town. UGH. Oh, I still haven't called around to bitch about that...
Anyway, we FINALLY made it to the end of the world (ha) after bus conversations of moment theories, and life perspectives. Many good talks. Then, we went over many more streets, on foot, for Noa to apply for her SIN card. Then, we went downtown, and transferred onto a bus that took us to the mall. For the first time in two years, I got my hair cut...gasp. It's pretty sexy though. Our travels back to our respective houses caused this new hairdo to become all windblown...so hot, haha. Pretend-adopted-baby-brother Phil came over that night, and we watched a movie. Then he went home in the rain.
That was my last day of summer.
On the 31st, I worked in the morning. I made some phone calls, did some stuff around the house to prepare for my ladies moving back in, and then Welcome Week rep training began.
Training was such a blur. I met so many amazing individuals.
I was a rep for Moulton Hall, which was co-ed for the first time this year. Welcome Week began on the 3rd, but the residence I was a rep for didn't move in until the 4th...so our team helped Matthews Hall move in.
Shane comforted me, as I tried to worry silently.
I was spotted, and I had to share this worry - but I said I didn't want it to be anything.
And I was told to disregard it...
When it comes down to it, though, truths cannot be disregarded - even if you want to try to ignore them.
If they exist, they exist, and you can't change that.
Our frosh were incredible. Not only did they learn the cheers quickly, but it wasn't hard to get them to participate...that is something you can't teach.
I will never forget the times I shared with my team members - Ashley's huge, infectious energy, always keeping everyone going...the talks I shared with Alaina, especially on our walk home...Ted's cutting sense of humor (and our awesome floor motto...ha!)...the car rides with Alex, and the time I really got to confide in her...Kirby's dedication, and consistent assistance...Heidi's crazy and rambunctious spirit...Kerry's caring, kind heart...Julie's drive and motivation...the hysterical laughter with Paul, especially when we were coming up with cheers...and Dee's encouragement and leadership. All of it - unforgettable.
When it comes to the week on whole, though, I will remember,
that you cannot teach empathy
nor selflessness...
You can't ask to be loved.
You can't ask to be included.
You can't ask to be a part of the bigger picture.
No matter how lovely the frame is, you can't fake the image.
Alanna's brother was not only one of my frosh, but he lives on the floor I was assigned. Ha! Even stranger: one of his roommates (there's three in his room, total) is from Simcoe. Too weird...
Oh, and Sam Roberts gave me a low five during his show. Haha. Blah, blah, Welcome Week, blah, the end. The frosh in Moulton don't yet realize how big each others' hearts are, but I hope they will. I'm sure they will.
Last night was the first of two Wreck The Rep nights this week. Probably more to come in the future, haha. Sophie joined me, yay! Always good times with her. My plan for the evening? Drink until stupid, leave immediately following. And it happened! In about 40 minutes, this lightweight had consumed TEN shots. I'm not currently hungover, really...but my brain definitely wants to remind me that I drank last night, ha. I'm excited for Thursday night.
I have so much more on my mind right now, but I can't sum it up in a few words. More entries, and hopefully more frequent entries, to follow.
Three weeks.
It's been three weeks since my last entry, and so much has changed, so much...
Gosh, I really don't update often enough. And since my calendar is fairly bare, here-I-go-a-condensing-again.
That audition went nowhere. And I don't even care!
On the 5th, Darby slept over for the weekend. Free show (Hoosier Poet, yesss) and fried pickles and secret trips to do secret things (ha!) and visits with Allison and her boy = awesome. The whole weekend was too much fun.
The 7th (Sunday) marked my first of NINE consecutive days of shifts. Highlights include working 10-5 that Friday (12th) and 10-6 on Saturday...and not dying was pretty cool, too. My feet felt like someone scored my ankles with a razor. Awesome. The 14th was a particularly crazy day, as it began with an 8am meeting at the Pancake House with my rep team, lasting until 12:30, making a quick stop at Kelsey's, working 1-5, then back to work on rep stuff until 9 or 10 pm. Also very awesome.
Oh, did I mention? I'm a Welcome Week residence rep again. This time for Moulton Hall - going co-ed for the first time, oooh. We're the Moulton Red Bulls this year, bahaha (HOW PERFECT IS THIS FOR ME. Seriously.) I'm looking forward to complaining about how absolutely exhausted and physically drained I am. I actually mean that.
Anyway, the 15th was my last of those nine consecutive days of work. I had planned to go home for a few days after that, and had asked my dad to pick me up after work that night. Well, plans shift, and I didn't have any time to pack that day. Without even a moment taken to consider my situation, he pretty much flipped out on me. I cried a lot, which obviously sucked. Nine days can lead up to massive emotional drainage, I learned.
Despite how draining it all was, though...it was nice to learn that I got a raise. :) Hooray!
I came to my house that night to discover all of the furniture gone from my living room. When will it be replaced? Only time will tell, I suppose. My dad told me they got rid of it all a few weeks ago, though. That bugs me, but what can I do, really...
The 16th (Tuesday) brought a visit to my cousin's house. He's at the height of his two-year-old-terror stage and I can't get enough of it. So hyper! So much energy! I loved hearing him laugh so much. Also hilarious: watching my dad bounce a beach ball off of his forehead sooo many times, and hearing him laugh louder each time, just before chasing after it. Also: watching he and William run right into each other while chasing after the ball, and laughing hysterically while still down (oh GOD so funny). Also: Michael tossing sand all over me while we dug in his sandbox together, and not even realizing it. Oh, and Diana's getting so big! She's just as pudgy as Michael was as a baby, haha. I adore her. She was teething, though, so she was super-fussy. Gosh I love those kids.
I went to the dentist the following day. Mention of my bratty bratty first years of life, as per usual. (Haha yesss). Mention of my "perfect teeth," as per usual. "Probably my best patient," "probably the best teeth we've ever seen," and so on. I mentioned my raise, and he said that it didn't surprise him that I got one (talk about wonderful compliments).
What got me most, though, was his story about my mother visiting a short while prior to my visit. (A day? A few days? I'm not sure.) He said that he mentioned my name to her, and that "she absolutely beamed at the mention of [my] name."
I can't describe how warm that made me feel to hear. How warm it makes me feel to think about it...
Later that afternoon, my mom dropped me off at the parking lot by the Ford Plant to meet up with Sam!!! I can't get enough of that lady. But, before I go off on another tangent... :)
We swung by her work to pick up her paycheck. Then, we stopped by Sears to visit her mom. As we talked to her, a couple walked by, saying something like "we found the bear!" So of course, Sam and I were like...bear? What? So her mom explained that the portrait studio had this bear with a tag on it, and they'd hide it somewhere in the store - then they'd make an announcement about it. If you found it, you'd see that the tag said that it was lost, and that you could return him to the portrait studio for a reward. A sitting.
...Of course, this was instantly our mission.
We sat in a display bed and watched the Garfield movie (soundless, no less) while we hawkeyed the studio. Finally, the bear emerged...in the hand of a lady, walking off to hide him again. We casually followed, walking among the merchandise, parallel to the pathway she travelled down. As she walked back toward the studio, the lady and I totally made eye contact. I smiled like a dork. She smiled knowingly. As we neared the corner of the merchandise we were walking through, we saw the bear...his legs tucked under some mens' shirts. "Act casual!" I said. We hung around and tried, but our excitement got the better of us - we grabbed him and hid on the floor. Giggling uncontrollably, at that! We thought it was too soon - we wanted to at least wait for them to announce that the bear was missing, right? Well, we were on the floor by a rack of ladies' nightgowns...so we grabbed one and wrapped the bear up like a baby. Of course...come on.
So we went to her mom's department again, and showed her that we found it. She encouraged us to take him over right away - why wait? she said. Go, go! her coworker said. We did; the lady said you two were following me, weren't you? We said no, no...we were just heading in your general direction... :)
We got a free sitting! And we're getting a couple of very cute 5x7s in the mail for each of us. :D
I saw Sam's house for the first time. It definitely feels cottage-like. Also: Sam's dog Larry is supercute! I went to Scott's house to hang out for a bit while Sam did some job-y stuff for the FP. I drank very putrid, very strong wine. [snicker] Scott said it tasted like wine mixed with vodka...I'd have to agree. His room is amazing - as is his house! That boy lives in a palace.
That night was the kickoff night for Murdered City. Special Noise and Pyramid Culture opened for Ninja High School. Enjoyable performances by all! During NHS' set, everyone started dancing like crazy. Then, on the stage. Then, on the streets! At one point, one of the NHS boys had crawled up on top of the door. I was...really rather drunk. So much dancing! It didn't last long enough though. Grrr. I remember Scott and Sam stealing the microphones after almost everyone else had filtered out of the room, and laying down along the edge of the stage, giggling at whatever songs they were singing bits of. Too much fun.
Sam, Nikki, and I slept in Sam's van that night, in the parking lot near the Ford Plant. They slept in the back, seats folded down; I, in the front passenger seat, feet up against the dashboard. I woke up a few times, my body begging me to readjust. Because of this, I got to watch the sun rise in flashes. Too gorgeous.
At around 7am, we were all awake somehow. Sam decided that we should get our final hours of rest at her house. As she drove, I was still slouched far, far down in the seat, blanket over me, pillow under my head. And as she drove, I watched the sky and clouds pass over us - I watched rays of light stretch lazily above us, waking up slowly and drowsily just like I was, that day.
That was my summer moment, this summer.
We went up to Sam's room and Larry came to play with us for a bit. Sleeping felt really cozy that morning.
That day, Sam and Niki and I went to use my coupon to get a really cheap large pizza from Pizza Pizza. Then I secretly, sneakily got to keep the coupon. >:) I went in the store barefoot. HAH.
We picked up Chelsea and went to play in a waterfall. Then we screamed over it...and it felt so good. Standing under it was really overwhelming, but so amazing! Lots of pictures were taken - hopefully they turn out okay!
That night the Bicycles opened. Haha, cute. Met up with Rick shortly thereafter, and he came to his first Ford Plant show! I was so happy to see him that night. Ohbijou played next. So gorgeous. Then came the Fembots. I nearly burst when they played Prison Memoirs Of An Anarchist. I sang along...yeah, I'm a big nerd that way. Jim Guthrie played next, and was phenomenal. He asked for a sip of my lime slushie, haha. (I always feel bad eating/drinking away in front of anyone - bands included - so I always offer what I've got anyway!) Rick had to leave early, awww. But that was okay, even getting to see him that night was fun! Cuff The Duke ended the night...oh my, so beautiful. Singing along with them (and subsequently, the rest of the audience) always feels so right.
Friday morning, Sam drove me back to Hamilton for work. That was SO so hard on my body, but you just have to do these things! Took the bus back to Brantford that evening...and totally got caught in a downpour on the way there. I changed in the washroom at the GO station! Haha. Such an adventure...I completely passed out on the trip.
Got a superawesomebig surprise when I arrived - JENA was waiting for me! I haven't seen that girl in ages!! So much fun with that lady. Sam came and picked us up, and I begged her to make a quick run to her house...I really needed to get all my stuff in the dryer. We did, and worried everyone senseless back at the Ford Plant, ha, oops...
Pardon My Goat opened that night. Their singer sounds like a velociraptor, haha. The instrument stuff wasn't all that bad, though. Singthatyellthatspell played next. I FINALLY got to see them! Oh gosh, so good. Oakley Hall played next and were pretty cute. S.S. Cardiacs played next...and after what Jeff and Mandy said about Jessie's voice and how high it gets, I couldn't get it out of my head. That sucked, haha. Their drummer was great to watch though - so very energetic! Then, the Constantines played...ohhh crap, I was so tired and getting way way way too hot, but I still danced sooo much. Those boys don't know how to disappoint.
The next morning, Sam drove me to the bus station, and I went back to Hamilton for work again. That majorly sucked. Moral of the story, don't rely on a favor that's still in word-stage. Yikes. I started to feel really, reeeally sick throughout that shift...no good. I took the bus back to Brantford again, though...and I passed out on the way there, yet again, and felt alright when I woke up a short while afterwards.
Made a quick stop to Admiral's for some greasy starchy love for my belly. Shared a lot of it with a lot of people...barely eating all day still didn't grant me the ability to finish them all off! Haha.
Republic Of Safety opened. Maggie sang right to me - so cute! We're Marching On played next...I enjoyed them far, far too much. Then the Sourkeys played, and when they played Sick Since Sunday I'm pretty sure I danced harder than I did for any other song during the festival. Scott and I went crazy together, haha! The Vermicious Knid played next, and I danced a lot more. The Wooden Stars closed off the night, and I was just so overwhelmed by their beautiful music.
Then, on Sunday, there was a free "secret" show beside the Grand River! Too pretty. Jon Rae and the Choir played...and the weather and music and everything was just so perfect. Wonderful. Magical.
I made Scott join me on a walk after the show, much to Sam's confusion I bet, haha. I wanted to buy Sam some thank-you presents! Scott bought her a Bingo scratch ticket, and I got her a pack of four star candles, and a little chocolate sundae ice cream cup...sooo good...got one for myself, too. :) She really liked it all. I like seeing that girl smile!
Amanda took the bus out to Sam's house so she wouldn't spend the day alone. She didn't really know anyone aside from me, but that went just fine. We played with Shmee (hampster) for a fair bit. I miss having a hampster, I must admit. Awww. We all made dinner together - corn on the cob and mashed potatoes and perogies and...ahhh, it was all just so good. Sometime later in the night, we went off to Admiral's on someone's suggestion/desire. I basically went to take fries from whomever wanted to buy them, hahaha. I recognized the Wolf Parade boys come in, just as we were leaving...but I suddenly became far too nerdy to introduce myself. Haha, oh me...
That night, Zefangus opened the show. They're pretty fun! Silent Film Soundtrack played next, and made me dance a lot. Magneta Lane played next, and...Sam and I went and got her a tea, haha. Meh, boring. Then controller.controller played and ohhhhhhh gosh, did I ever dance...Scott finally got to see them perform live! Then Wolf Parade played. I preferred them in the Ford Plant, being a smaller venue and all. Hilarious look-alike conversations ensued (Paul totally called it - Johnny Depp + John Mayer!); also, "Steve Buscemi" (har) told me (and then the audience, later) that he had airplane vodka in his can of Red Bull. GOSH THEIR MUSIC IS SO GOOD!
Katy peed on the sidewalk in front of KFC way late that night. Oh man...
The next day Sam drove me to the bus station. She gave me a big hug and we said goodbye. I miss her already! I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THAT LADY. :) No, really! I can't!
I spent Monday doing a ridiculous amount of chores. I should've put the recycling out earlier, 'cause it's piling up like crazy now...oops, haha.
Yesterday Paul stopped by to visit, and we went to set up an appointment for the tattoo he's getting - which, by the way, is fucking gorgeous. That made me late for work though, and despite my dorky attempt to avoid it, I felt bad about it. I opened the store today, so I tried to do a lot to make up for yesterday. I got a lot done, so that's good.
Shortly, I'm heading over to campus to watch a screening of our production of Trojan Women, and also The Taming Of The Shrew, both of which Steve videotaped and put on DVD. I'm excited! And...hesitant to watch myself cry like crazy. Egh!
certainly
promise
definitely
I've got another letter to start writing...um, typing...tonight.
Just past halfway, now.
I like this. :)
Dear White Town,
I can't find your video for Your Woman. Please send it to me.
Love, Tanya
Go, go! There's no time! Sleep - but not for long! Go, again! Forward! Onward!
Now, I write rather than sleeping. Might as well...currently working on a broken internal clock.
I go back:
On the 15th, I accomplished almost everything I set out to do. My alarm clock didn't go off, so I was an hour late for rehearsal...yuck. I attended my appointment. I was prepared for the script reading - the stage direction-editing didn't take as long as I had projected...about an hour, really. It went exceptionally well, I might add. (People laughed!) Monica, Noa, Jenny, and I shared a highly entertaining game of Boggle - which lasted for hours! We found some ridiculous words, many of which we've kept alive as running jokes. "Peeeeeee..." "OPA!" Also: herpes, clit, orgy, semen...too much. Too much funny. :)
Oh - I didn't end up paying my bills that day. Figures. That's me, haha.
Worked 10-6 the next day. Eight hours is...a lot.
That night, I joined many castmates on a trip out to Hess, to celebrate Monica's birthday! Fun times with that lady, always. I didn't drink.
That Sunday (the 17th), I didn't go home like I wanted to, for the Village Ukraina volunteer picnic. That sucked. I don't remember doing anything significant that day...
On the 18th, I paid all my bills. (Ha.) I also missed a rehearsal due to the impossibilty of switching shifts at work...but, it happens, I guess. Worked 4-9.
The next day, I worked 10-3. That night, I headed to the Casbah to watch Joe's band, Uvenburd, perform. I was so impressed by Joe's singing! Such a pretty voice in that boy's throat. Also: the Water Song owned the entire evening. Too entertaining. They were opening for General Rudie.
After General Rudie's set, they mentioned that if anyone would have them, they needed a place to sleep. I offered my vast floorspace. They accepted. Ben and I joined them on a bit of an excursion through Hess, first. Fun times; great conversations! Those boys have such warm hearts. Much hilarity ensued while the van was being unpacked. Shared a conversation with one in my room, later moving to my front step...lasted until near dawn. He's a smart one, without question - definitely gave advice that won't be forgotten. Maybe not able to apply it any longer, but should such doubts ever arise again...his advice is still here.
Woke up late the next day. At one point, I walked over to their van as they finished packing it up again - as one held a water bottle, he asked, "what's the water like here, drinkable?" I merely raised my hand to him, passing him a plastic bag with cold bottles, one for each of them. I like how happy they looked. They expressed their gratitude, and were off.
That night, met up at Faculty Hollow for another rehearsal. Got out of work that night...thankfully. I had started to worry that I might've been bringing the group down, by not being there. But, alas! Rehearsal went well. I think we went to Hess after that. Water, water, water; lemons, lemons, lemons.
The next night (the 21st), I worked again. Defintely went out to Hess with the cast, that night. More water and extra lemon wedges.
On Friday (the 22nd), I opted out of a screening of a Trojan Women film...almost got enough sleep out of skipping it - almost. Attended dress rehearsal at noon. There were two lines in particular, one after the other, that I would always mess up, somehow, throughout all of our rehearsals. I suppose I programmed myself to fear these lines; during the dress rehearsal, I got to that part...and completely blanked. Not in a way that I could secretly salvage the moment, nor could anyone else. I blanked. And my poor day, and mood, and frame of mind all overcame me. My mind flew out of the play, off of the stage, and into my head. I apologized and asked if Anjie had a script. She didn't. No one did. I couldn't think of anything beyond how lost I felt...and I began to cry. Eventually, (and after a long "eventually,") I picked the scene back up again. I almost managed to redeem myself, later, by giving the end of my scene full emotion for the first time. I was still bothered, though, by my lack of control earlier. It still bothers me.
Stupid emotions and situations and unnecessary pain.
Fucking...fuck.
I swore that I would not allow such a thing to happen during the show.
And I made that a reality. Of course.
I digress.
That night, I worked 5-9. Immediately afterward, I went to the Casbah. I got there partway through The Rest's set. Great Lake Swimmers was fucking astonishing...if only the talkative half of the crowd would have shut their fucking ungrateful mouths. Nobody wants to listen, these days. Only talk...only talk. Final Fantasy was marvelous. Also, he made note of the babbling idiots that would, as he said, one day regret their actions of the night. In any case, Lex is a lively drummer - great performance in that woman's heart. She sat in for a number of his songs. Owen is a fabulously talented boy and I was in awe, absolute awe for his entire set. I was too embarrassed with myself to find him and tell him I have a friend-crush on him. I listened to that CD for days, non-stop. Too good.
When I got home from the show, the emotion I put into the end of the dress rehearsal caught up with me like a boomerang. It ripped through my stomach when I got home, and I vomited like crazy. [I invest my soul quite deeply into my performances...too deeply? Is there even such a thing?] I called Kam sometime around 2am, without even thinking that he might be asleep (which I'm sure he was), asking if I could be excused from work the next day. He said that he'd arrange what he could, and that I didn't have to go in. I am too lucky. I somehow kept an anti-nauseant tablet down, and fell asleep abruptly.
I woke just as abruptly the next day (the 23rd). Early, too. Threw up again. Forced myself back to sleep again. Woke up feeling almost entirely better. Our first show was that night...my performance felt pretty good. Obviously devastatingly tragic - and I cried, oh how I cried - but I didn't feel very disappointed. A good change. A notable change.
Went to the Underground that night. Missed all but the last song (or two) of the Inflation Kills' set...that sucked. Uncut played next. I'm losing interest in their music, but their performance was pretty good. Sylvie played next - some of their songs didn't do much for me, but others made my bum wiggle! And then Wintersleep played...without disappointment, as per usual. I was too shy to request a song as an early birthday present, so that was my only disappointment from them - entirely my fault, haha. When I moved to hug my friend Steve earlier that night, I smashed my foot off of his. I was wearing tiny, strappy sandals. Broke the nail pretty badly. Really rather painful. But I didn't want him to feel responsible, so I didn't tell him. My toe is just fine now, anyway.
...I saw you there, though
I saw you
and I wish you would've said something
because I couldn't say anything
that message - I didn't respond to it
I didn't know how
so I gave you space
and you took it.
It has been weeks, now.
I've waited
I've waited
You said goodbye.
I guess you wanted to do it without a single word.
The next day (the 24th), two shows: the first, relocated due to rain. Stupid crappy lecture hall..."better than the other one" still doesn't mean it's good. But it was sufficient, I suppose. I watched The Taming Of The Shrew in-between, at 4pm. It, too, had to be moved to the lecture hall, as it began to rain mere minutes into the show. Very funny production overall, though! My second show was later that evening...and was ruined, mid-show, due to A FUCKING FIRE ALARM. An elevator motor, smouldering...spontaneously? Oh, I don't know. After an hour (or more?) of a delay, we did the play again - from the beginning. I was too thrown-off to perform. My performance sucked large. Sure, people thought this, or that. But I know it sucked. I hated doing it. I hated knowing my heart wasn't in it.
(I'm actually glad my coworkers + manager didn't/couldn't return for it. I'd rather have them miss the show, as they did, instead of witnessing my bad performance...)
The next day (the 25th), Steve came over to watch Requiem For A Dream with me. His first time; my zillionth. Still, it makes me cry. Even though I had to cry hysterically during the play, I still had more than enough tears left for the film. Never fails, no matter how hard I try not to. He appreciated the film, I think. Such a great boy, that one. I'm glad I can count him among my friends, now. He has such a warm heart.
The next day was MY BIRTHDAY, woo! Twenty-one. It rained, on and off - but when it did, it poured...and I like rain. So, in a way, I'm glad it rained that day. Darby and Amelia brought me flowers, and an icecream cake with the COMEDY/TRAGEDY MASKS on it, hello. Too good. We went to Snooty for lunch, and I ate myself fat, for free! And had a delicious martini! Thus ended my non-drinking streak, officially. After that, we went all the way out to Lime Ridge to see baby kitties. So good. A hedgehog wiggled it's nose at me, too.
Later that night, I had another performance. It was moved to the lecture hall because of rain, again...boo. Regardless, I felt alright with that show. Phil came! And brought Kevin! Craig came too! After a fair amount of post-show mingling, I wanted to invite everyone to come out with us, (to celebrate with me, of course). I stood at the front of the stage, and Alexa began singing Happy Birthday. Everyone joined in. I hid my face in my toga. :D
We went to the Phoenix. Several of us shared wine over dinner - Darby didn't get IDed BLAHAHA! But I ended up finishing off her share, anyway. Laura bought me my first muff dive! So delicious. And fun, actually, haha. I could barely get the shot glass out of the bottom of the martini glass - and Laura scolded me for trying to eat all the whipped cream. What...I like it... :) Mid-dive (har har), Laura noticed a table full of Asian boys watching me. She called out "hey - you don't get to watch if you didn't pay!" I'm pretty sure I almost choked on whipped cream at that. Rick bought us some shots to drink together, as did Monica. So so much alcohol was in this girl. Best new shot discovered: buttery nipple. OH YES OH YES, so good. I downed a couple of glasses of water before leaving - best move of the night. No hangover!
I let Rick into my house to sleep, as he had to work early the next morning. A few of us wanted bubble tea, but ended up getting pitas instead (QQs was closed). We returned to find Rick sprawled out on the couches in his boxers. I don't know about the others, but I found it hilarious.
The next morning (the 27th), Darby and Amelia and I searched the town for bubble tea, but nothing was open before they had to leave town. That sucked. It was still raining a bit, though; I liked that. We went to Tim Horton's together before they had to take off.
Had another show that night - finally outside, again. My performance felt better that night.
Worked 2-9 on the 28th. On the walk home, Paul was flying down the sidewalk at me! I hugged him for ages. Sam and Scott were waiting on my front doorstep.
They gave me birthday presents! Sam painted a mirror's wooden frame with a star! I have it leaned up against my lamp - I adore it. And, while I was working, they spent some time in a park, where Paul painted for me! There is a sailboat with a red sail, by a gorgeous tree, with pretty clouds in the sky! I have it balanced on the dead-lights in my room. I love it.
We went to QQs where Scott bought very very spicy (and delicious) soup, and we all shared bubble tea over our favorite card game (haha!) and Boggle. Later, I took them all to Faculty Hollow, to show them the stage. I still feel like such a dork for mixing up the dates. They were intending to see me act that night - but how could they, when there wasn't a show scheduled? Argh. We had loads of fun, regardless.
The next night (the 29th), our second last performance. My second best performance of all - it felt so strong. Later in the show, though, a fair while after my scene, everything about the show was nearly killed by a low-flying helicopter. Fucking ridiculous. I couldn't believe everyone kept it together! So awesome. Monica and I ended up hitting Hess together that night...so many good conversations. I'm glad we've become pretty good friends throughout this production.
The next day (the 30th) was our last show - an afternoon performance. I definitely felt the best about that one. Alexa's friend Jeanette agreed...she came up to me after the show to tell me that. That was her sixth time viewing the play, but her first time being moved to tears by my scene. Too much for me to hear...I couldn't believe it. Granted, during a fair amount of the shows - especially the indoor ones - I could actually hear people sniffling. But for Jeanette to say that felt big, somehow. To know that it wasn't necessarily just what I felt about it, myself, that day.
This whole experience...so big.
I am so grateful.
Lisa came to that show! And Alanna really surprised me with her attendance that day!!! I had no clue that she was there until she walked up to me, after the show. She, too, said she cried...I couldn't believe it. I'm so glad she could come and see me act. :) We made plans for the following day, for dinner.
That night, I went to the Casbah. Phil joined me at my house, and we went together. And Sam was there! And Paul! And Scott! And Donna! And Chelsea! And we all sat together at the front of the stage.
They are so comfortable. They feel so much like home. Always warm, always inviting. So much love.
Head | Phone | Over | Tone opened, and were interesting. Not bad...but they didn't do much for me.
And then...A Silver Mt. Zion played.
There are so few words.
I spent the majority of the show with my hands in front of my face.
Such awe.
I cried a bit, here and there...mostly convincing myself not to cry - that I didn't have to cry.
Such beautiful songs. There can't be such a thing as too beautiful.
I think I'll be looking back at this as the best show of 2005, for me.
I think so.
Post-show, outside, a boy named Dan invited the six of us to his apartment. Later, Donna revealed that she overheard his intentions for the excursion. Haha sucker, we took and we left. Too bad, too bad...
They all slept over at my place - we had too much fun, all night! I got super-embarrassed, at one point. Damn you, nosy Paul. Hahaha. I felt like a jerk later, though, when I realized I had a very insufficient amount of pillows + blankets...agh. I hope everyone slept okay. We got to bed around 4 or 5am, and Paul came to wake me up several hours later, as they decided they had best leave earlier than planned. We had breakfast freezies! I can't wait until Murdered City. :)
Now, this week! Almost caught up...
On Sunday, Phil came over and we met up with Sophie, downtown. We ran into Paul Frank, who was headed in the same direction as us - HTI. That day, I watched the three plays I had not yet seen - My Father's House, This Is A Play, and The Terrible False Deception. Impressive shows, all around.
Monica, Aazam, Sophie, and I joined Rick in his car. First, we stopped at Tim Hortons, where my stupid jokes about the (coughdisgusting) food shown on the monitors ended up with my iced cappucino spilling everwhere. I got hit in the eye! After that, we made a trip out to Rick's home, in Burlington, to pick up the banner he made for the party (hilarious!). On the way back into Hamilton, I asked to be dropped off at my house to nap...which resulted in Alanna reminding me about dinner - ugh, I'm too forgetful. Fried pickles for me, mmmmmmm. (I had far too many this week, haha.) We shared a lot of stories! I'm glad she and Meghan are going to be moving in here, soon. I miss my ladies!
So, that night was the closing party for the Summer Drama Festival.
...Where do I even start?
Rick's red Trojan Women banner being on display all night. Noticing smiles from across the room. Anjie's card nearly making me cry. My cast gift: a sweater for "my baby" - a heart in the middle, with the words "I love hugs" in it. Getting too hot inside; getting too many mosquito-bites outside. Lila telling me that she thinks I'm really pretty, and then giving me a shot of gin. (Well hello miss, you're clearly pretty yourself!) Chips and hummus (ohhh yum). Drags from Tori's cigar. Simon telling me that he thinks my lips are perfect, and calling me over so he can display them to several girls. (I was so embarrassed!) Covert operations with a cute new gay friend involving bottles of booze (HAHA!). Getting drunk when I brought zero alcohol with me (how the...?). Noa being my partner-in-crime (I sooo owe that lady). Extending the baby-eating joke to the entire party. (Also: photographs devoted to this phenomenon.) Guitar, guitar, everywhere acoustic guitar.
Sleeping, on and off, at strange hours, for strange lengths of time.
I'm too hesitant - I'm too scared.
These words might need to be more persuasive.
For now, though, these words are beautiful. These actions, careful; delicate...
[Pickle and cheese sandwiches are fine by me.]
I worked on Tuesday, 4-9. Monica met me here after that, and - after about an hour of me insisting that she hear a number of songs...haha - we met Sophie and Steve at QQs. Noa showed up after a while, too. They came back here for a bit, after QQs had to close up. So much fun with those ladies, always. I was awake until ridiculous hours of the morning reading the story Noa wrote, which she's going to make into a film. I think she's got a pretty good plot in the works.
Wednesday night, worked again, 5-9. A number of us went out to Absinthe...but hoooly suck-night, much. Aside from our group, maybe six people were there? Ridiculous. I downed some absinthe upon our arrival, and a few shots. We left, and went to Sidebar instead. Drank several more shots, there...so inexpensive! We ended the night at Snooty.
ankles, grasped
smiles, shared secretly - some caught, no doubt
notes, passed
be careful
gentle
delicate...
Plans may fail, but actions can make up for lost words - it's true, it's true.
The morning brought deep smiles, and pleasant tears.
certainly
promise
definitely
we'll see, we'll see...
At 1:30 this afternoon, I had an audition. Rick met me here, and we walked to campus together. The monologue I did made the director laugh - out loud - a promising sign, I hope.
On the walk back here, we stopped by and got pitas. I had every vegetable available put into mine...mmm...
Upon calling my work when I arrived home, Kam asked if I'd be able to come in - I wasn't scheduled to work tonight, but apparently Zach left because he was sick. I could always use more money, so of course, I did it. I actually had a lot of fun working with Joe tonight...not that I don't usually, because I do! I love working with him. I've just been so exhausted lately. It was great that I had so much fun during that shift. Must've been that coffee he brought for me, haha!
Speaking of which, today was so phenomenal, for so many reasons. Aside from Joe generously bringing me that coffee (he often brings a beverage for me, if he's gone to get a coffee for himself) - he let me have his pizza, since he ate perogies for dinner instead. Too nice of him!
It warm-rained tonight.
My favorite kind of rain.
Dave stopped by to visit, before his interview (or...something) at Kelsey's. Insisted that I attend the show at the Underground. I told him I was broke, but he insisted that I go, no matter what.
I went. :)
Jon Rae & The Choir opened - talk about magical. They left the stage, and played in front of it, instead. Such warm songs! Grand Buffet went next - ohsovery entertaining. They gave Steve a free CD, but he already owns it, so he gave it to me! So awesome. Magnolia Electric Co. closed the night off with absolute beauty.
Listen, listen, listen...
Timely words, in the lyrics.
I managed to take the bus home.
And now, finally, I've written a new entry. It took about three and a half hours, but there it is. Where life has taken me.
I am scared -
everything, tossed up
around
and over
now is not the time to cut open fresh stitches
be careful
be careful
but go, again!
forward!
onward!
we'll see, we'll see...
...So I'm pretty sure you'll find my name on that site somewhere.
COME TO THIS. Jerks.
This is the worst feeling I've felt in a long time. The calm before the storm? No, the eye before the storm. That's what it feels like.
If you live close to me, please come visit. Please come over.
I really don't think it'll be good for me to be alone these next few days.
Something's happening in my soul, I can feel it.
Since my last post...
I opened the store that morning. Matt saved me when he brought me sushi at work. Julie Ella saved me even further when she left a new mini-sharpie for me on my front doorknob for when I was done work. I will not forget these gestures.
I travelled back home shortly after that. My mother drove while I slept. "Sleep" has been more in the form of naps lately, due to full sleeps just not being able to fit into my schedule. Sorry, soul. No time to rest.
This year's International Villages Festival went by so quickly. Still made to feel uncomfortable in my own skin, by one person. Still made to feel so peculiar, so good, by strangers recognizing me as a former dancer...strangers genuinely upset that I wasn't dancing this year.
There's something that just feels so much more real, these days, about compliments from strangers.
And then...there's something about it that just feels so frightening at other times.
This is not the time to begin to analyze.
Dean was a mime at his Village this year. We had a cute, non-speaking interaction. I've missed seeing that boy, hugging him. So talented. He'll go places, that one.
The dancing at the Village Ukraina was beautiful, as always.
On the Thursday night of the festival, I joined a number of friends (and fellow dancers, at that) in a parking lot dance-off at one of the Polish halls. West Side Story, without the fighting. Glorious. I taught Lindsay and Claire a fun way to spin. They used it in an encore they did the next night, which made me really smile.
On Friday night, during one of the shows, I stood Michael up in my lap and bounced my legs carefully along with the music. He was wearing those little red dancing pants, that little embroidered shirt...carefully, I reached up to hold each of his hands in each of mine; I clapped his hands along with each beat, each step. Watching his little eyes light up - all the colors to see, all the spins and jumps...when my legs grew tired, I stopped. He began to bounce.
So many familiar faces from the past. So much change, and change, and change.
During the last show, of the last performance, on the last night, Lindsay and Claire said it would be okay if I joined them for the encore, doing that spin...they put me right in the middle - so scary. It went over alright. "Good stuff"..."You've still got it."
I miss it so much.
I need to spend more time dancing alone around my bedroom. If only the heat would dip, slightly...
So many more memories. So much more I could write about, really.
I had to wake up early to return to this city. Halfway through the ride, my older brother rang my dad's cell to tell us that I had forgotten my alarm clock.
...Ouch.
My father took me grocery shopping that morning. I think we're at our calmest with each other when we're at the grocery store. I can joke with my dad, I can stop worrying about what we might argue about - because in the grocery store, we only argue about which item may be cheaper.
No time for real sleep. Nap when you can.
Fuck, I miss my family. Already.
I miss my mother, hugging me, carefully whispering of love...
He helped me quickly put away anything that needed to be refrigerated, and dropped me off at work.
That night, a show. Vulcan Dub Squad was great, but poor Ranbir couldn't sing - sickness. Offensive Orange is growing on me, fast. I created short films to their music in my mind. I want to create short films to their music. GOA! was fabulous. I bought more things than I can currently afford.
I worked with Heather Monday night. Met a boy named Ben, who (mere moments after the initial meeting) was revealed to be Joe's band member. Really nice guy.
Tuesday evening, I held a practice readthrough for the public reading of my script. One girl didn't make it.
...I'm really beginning to resent myself for this...for this everything. Same script, same story. Same bullshit. Same routine. Same black hole.
That night, I met dear Monica's friend Noa. We chatted for a long time - about films, about plots, about a bunch of other things that didn't formally register into my memory. Maybe I can act for her one day. Who knows, really.
Also, that reminds me: in my last entry, I didn't mention that I acted for Joe in a short film that he and his friend Vahid are currently putting together. I enjoyed every moment of it, and look...not one typed mention of it.
Memories, memories, memories. I can't write them down fast enough. Is that why I constantly feel like I'm being shorthanded? Am I missing something?
Anyway.
Wednesday night, I worked with Heather again. I joined Melissa for a show at the Casbah.
Josh was there. When Craig joined our group, Josh mentioned something about how he and I "go way back...[insert exaggerated, clearly awkward laugh]." I loosened the lid on my water bottle and, just before I took a sip, said "that's a creative way to put it..." Melissa laughed knowingly. Everything was largely awkward.
He has broken enough hearts.
Karma comes to those who wait.
He'll wait, this time. He'll wait as long as it takes.
Spent more time in the lounge than in the show in the main room that I paid for. Watched all of the All Purpose Voltage Heroes' set. Enjoyable. The short-shorts were distracting - not repulsively so, but humorously. Stayed in the lounge to watch Ryan Stanley. He performed beautifully, despite the noise throughout the room. Went back up to the main room, but got bored quickly...I get cranky when I begin to feel a migraine. Ben played a very nice set - which was a surprise to me until I spoke with him upon first seeing him in the lounge that night. Talented musician, he is. Joel got me up for Ben's rendition of La Bamba. I twirled. Spent several hours chatting with m'lady and Craig, and avoiding free shots bought by a nice fellow for those of us left in the lounge...each round set him back about 30 bucks or so. Wonderful gesture. Melissa and I walked home at the height of my migraine...brutal. She managed to get me to pause, though, and sit on the sidewalk on the highway for a few moments. Despite the aches in my skull, it was really nice.
I worked with Heather tonight, as well.
Some days, I think that the way we function as employees together is what is keeping me from going mad at that job. Also, she's a really great girl. I'm glad I got to meet her.
Some days I think of quitting. But then again, I need money. And I really like that job, despite whatever grey cloud hovers over me at any given moment. I like my job. Quitting is a stupid idea. I never could.
I watched movies in my underclothes yesterday. I watched movies without any clothes on, this morning.
And then, after "dinner" tonight - in my underwear, no less - I finally watched Fight Club. Finally. After years of avoiding it, and missing it, and everything, I've now watched it.
It makes me want to write a thousand things.
Which, consequentially, makes me unable to write a single thing.
It also makes me want to read the book. And read Choke again, for that matter.
Crawling along with crushed glass pressed into your hand, sputtering blood everywhere, is somehow a terribly sexy image to me. Without question. It's so much more real than so much else. So real.
It's past 3am, now, and I can't sleep - as per usual. I nap when I can, but even naps are few and far between these days...I don't think I've napped since...Sunday, maybe? I've lost track. I can't keep track of very much anymore. Memories, memories...
Tomorrow shall be frighteningly hectic.
Rehearsal at 9am.
Appointment at 2:45pm.
Script reading at 7pm.
Sometime, go and pay bills. They're not past due - in fact, I still have several days to pay them without penalty - but if I don't do it tomorrow, I won't do it Monday. Or Tuesday. And so on...
Currently, it's ten minutes past 3am, and I'm restless. I can't sleep. I've asked Melissa to come visit me after she's done work, which is sometime beyond 5am from what I understand...and I've still got to go through my 40+ page script and decide upon which stage directions are necessary, which I need to summarize, and which to omit for my stage-direction-reader for tomorrow night.
I want to be everywhere but here right now. I want to be anyone but me. I want to be everyone but me.
...I don't want to be anyone else, I just know that I can't be me right now.
No more storms. No more standing in the eye.
I want to be anything but a middle-aged man's stare committed to memory for later that evening.
I want crushed glass and blood spatters.
I'd give anything to start over, seeing as how I never start anything the right way.
I want to fucking sleep normally again. Not just one night. Not just a few nights. I want normal sleep back.
I want people to be normal, and to know how to be real with others. I want people to be real with me. Nobody's real with me anymore. Everyone's always just saying goodbye.
I have a lot to say, but no one to tell it to, really.
If I stay awake, maybe I'll just see that tomorrow won't really come. If I stay up long enough, it won't come. Reverse Christmas Postulate, right?
Well, I suppose almost everyone proves me wrong about the things I believe in the most. So maybe I'm wrong, again. That's probably it. That must be it.
I feel so fucking restless.
Restless, but stuck.
I forget what glass feels like.
I've forgotten the taste of blood.
I forget what sleep feels like.
I'm so sure I have to open the store tomorrow morning, and I'm still sitting at the computer.
I'm sick, and I can't sleep. Not a big fan of snot. Neither is my consciousness, which wishes it could take a break right now.
But hey, whatcha gonna do.
Since my last update, I worked with Julia again (27th). I like catching up with her after a number of weeks pass, it's nice.
On the 28th, I hurried off from work to visit Jeff in Toronto. I missed the 9:40 (?) bus by moments...had to wait an hour for the next (and final) one. Ridiculous. My bus driver ended up being awesome. Highlights: "we're not driving around sack of potatoes," [big corner at a relatively high speed] "WEE!!!" - and also, he had a very interesting way of rolling around his cigarette in his fingertips, and examining it, excitement strangled beneath his pupils as he imagined smoking it soon. A girl on the bus asked to sit beside me, and offered me some of her tortilla chips. They were the salsa + cream cheese flavored kind. So good. We talked right up until her stop. Exchanged e-mail addresses...I should add her, hm. Forgot about that.
Jeff and I dinked around on campus for a bit. I was so glad he was still waiting for me - he looked concerned when I finally got there. Understandable! It was good to see Mandy that night, too...she's been teaching some adorable kids, that's for sure. Cat pictures = hilarious and awesome. Jeff and I watched the whole first season of Ali G. and I slept on his couch. One of the cats was clawing the top of the couch when I woke up once. Two others were fighting (or loving?) each other when I woke up another time. The next, two were on the table, one licking the other (SO CUTE). The last time I momentarily awoke, one was watching me sleep (apparently Mandy saw two of them watching me, before she left for work). Ohhh man. Hilarious!
I checked my e-mail that morning, for the first time in days. Realized I had to go back to Hamilton for a rehearsal that day. Sucked. We met Mandy on campus for lunch. I nearly missed my bus back to Hamilton, but I got there in more than enough time. Allison was on the bus, holy crap! So awesome to see her. Kiran got on at a later stop, so weird! Strange odds.
Rehearsal was alright, save for almost passing out from the sun. Stupid sun.
I wanted to visit Darby on the 29th but my dad never returned my phone calls for me to come home, at all. Methinks he didn't check the machine...
That night, I went to the Casbah lounge to watch Joel perform. Within maybe half an hour of being there, I drank three tall glasses of water. After Valery Gore performed, I raced to the main room to use the washrooms. On my way out, a boy I passed asked where I was going. "Back to the lounge, my friend Joel is playing," I said. He asked why I wasn't sticking around for the show. Our show, he said. "Who's we?" I asked. "Spookey Ruben," he replied. I'm a douche. He's their drummer. I told him I hadn't paid. He told me to stick around, and if anyone gave me trouble, to refer them to him. Awesome. His name is Adam. Very nice boy! I told him I actually wanted to see them play, but I was broke. We also, at one point, discussed their merch. My brokeness came up again. He offered me a CD case, jokingly, not expecting me to take him seriously I think. I said I'd like one. He laughed, and gave me one. Free Spookey Ruben! Such cute music. I loved it. Surprisingly empty crowd. Hamilton = jerks sometimes, haha. Returned to the lounge to catch the second half of Joel's set. He's such a talented boy, that one.
Worked an assload the following few days.
I was supposed to return to Toronto on Friday, to see Apostle Of Hustle + Feist for free. However, the Casbah (main room) was freezing, and I caught a bit of a cold. Sucked. Watched movies all day instead. I would've preferred the show, but hey.
Saturday night, I think I...went downtown with Melissa, and met up with Phil for bubble tea and boardgames. Stupid sick + memory. I'm pretty sure that was Saturday night.
Sunday, I joined several cast members to celebrate Sophie's birthday at Snooty Fox. Sunday = karaoke, woo! I sang...something (GRRR!) early in the night, and later sang The Tide Is High. So good. So fun! I missed Ari-Up and I feel like a mega-douche for that one. I'll be kicking myself for a while on that one.
Yesterday I woke up feeling like death. Ridiculously fucking sore throat, clogged head, headache, tummyaches, everything. Medicated myself a bunch. Watched a movie, paused it about halfway through. Woke up maybe an hour later and watched the rest. Zach called me and asked me to come in early. Sucked. Did it. Heather shared some freezies and toffees. Started feeling miraculously better! Went for a walk through Cootes with Phil after work. Next time, we don't rely on sparklers for light, hahaha. Also, I am covered in bug bites. We're geniuses sometimes, I tells ya.
Today I woke up feeling pretty crappy again, but not as terrible as yesterday. I ran some errands, did some chores, and had a bath. Felt pooey, but alright. Began getting ready for worked. Sneezed uncontrollably all night. My nose hurts. A lot. Planned on bubble tea with Steve tonight, but we got pitas instead. Blabbed about movies for a while. Came back here. He almost forgot to take my picture for the Summer Drama Festival program, which was the entire reason for the visit, hahaha! But he came back, and took it. Finally!
And now I can't sleep.
It's summer, I shouldn't be sick. Honestly. Whose idea was this? Ugh.
Tomorrow shall be hectic as well. I need to pack before work, and I'm opening the store, and I need to leave for home right after that.
I've packed nothing yet.
And here I am, typing away.
...I still can't sleep.
Even though I'll be getting into bed after posting this, I won't fall asleep for a while.
Stupid clogged fucking nose fucking sick fucking sneezing fucking fuck. Seriously.
I'm tired.
