centric
turn on the lights!/our eyes are tired
yep, SCARYLONG - I don't expect anyone to read it all; it'd be awesome, but...
Oh man, I put off updating for SO LONG...oops. For good reason, though: this has been possibly the most busy I've ever been in my life.
...And among the stress that inevitably occurs when one becomes so busy, the greats almost seem to become greater - in greater frequencies, as though the space between each becomes lesser and lesser...
Backtrack...hahaha oh man, here we go - good thing I have messenger histories and (to a lesser extent) calendars to help me remember things a little better...
May 3rd brought about an early shift at work, which was pretty ridiculous following my last all-nighter update, hahaha! My meeting afterward was actually moved to the next day, as a lot of changes were underway at the office. Phew! That would've been tiring, considering the all-nighter I pulled for my last update, haha. Since it was cancelled, I napped...for about six hours, heh, oops.
The next day, I went to the rescheduled meeting. Then I worked a weird 2pm-5pm shift. So random. Looks like I spent the rest of the day in my underthings, catching up on chores like laundry and such. I went to bed relatively early that night...for once, ha.
I had messaged Josh for the first time in a few days prior to my trip planned for that weekend, and since I hadn't seen him in YEARS, I suggested we hangout - and even invited him to join me that Saturday night. He was free, and he agreed (yay!) so he had given me his number to call him at some point while I was there.
The next day I woke up pretty early and made a trip out to Lime Ridge for some random errands. I wanted to get my hair cut that day, but the place I've grown fond of was completely booked up, pooh. As per usual, I bought piles and piles of shit I don't really need - however, I use everything I buy, so I suppose that's better than buying shit I don't need AND never use. Right? Anyway...
When I got home, I made a last minute appointment to get my eyebrows done. I ran over, and before I left, I got a complimentary - and sososo pretty - makeup application! So fun. I made a quick stop at home to touch it up (I'm picky about my makeup, what can I say?) and got everything ready for my trip that night. I checked some messages, and left Joel some messages. Then, I ran to work, as I had a 5-9 shift that night. Joel called at one point, and I told him he should join me on my adventure. As chance would have it, he had plans in Toronto that night, so I talked him into leaving a bit later than he had planned, so we could take the bus together! He met me at work, and we took the bus from the store right to the GO Station.
I brought a bottle of Tough Shit with me (heh) and drank it on the bus. I rested my head on Joel's shoulder for most of the ride; I may or may not have fallen asleep for a while, I don't remember exactly. When we got to Toronto, we...wandered around. I didn't exactly have the clearest directions to the party, haha oops. Joel was actually pretty patient with me through most of it. We saw a Hummer limo and Joel cracked a joke about how Cities In Dust was probably inside, ahaha.
Eventually, wandering around on foot wasn't cutting it, so we decided to hop in a cab. Of all cabs, we hopped into the one belonging to Mr. Geography. I'm not joking. We didn't get a single one right - and he answered our questions with no hesitation. After some more looking (the instructions were a bit more vague than I thought, oops) Joel got a bit frustrated, as it was getting fairly late, so he hopped out of the cab.
Honestly, I started to panic a little bit. I asked the driver if he had a cell, let alone if he would mind me using it. He didn't mind in the slightest. When I called Deja, she told me to look for an open front door - we were only a few houses away. Relief! I told her I'd see her in a minute, and gave the driver his cell back...and rounded up the fee by a few dollars. :)
My goodness, Deja's father's loft was gorgeous. I was so overwhelmed just wandering around, looking around - especially on the balcony! What a terribly gorgeous view...too bad it was a bit rainy (and juuust a bit too cold) that night. Once I finished off the Tough Shit I didn't drink any more - I did have a bit of coffee though, I was pretty tired by then, hahaha. I met some really nice people that night. This one guy looked JUST LIKE MATTY SPIRZGLAS AAAH. Haha. Around 3am, maybe closer to 4am, I intended to "gather my bearings," we'll say...and basically ended up starting to fall asleep, haha. I found a spot upstairs on a LEOPARD PRINT COUCH. My liiife. It kinda sucked 'cause I didn't have a blanket (there was none left to be had, growf) and it was a bit too firm - countless times, I'd wake up because I wasn't comfortable anymore, but I couldn't move or I'd freeze! It sucked at the time, but looking back it's pretty funny to think about.
I woke up still a wee bit cold, and with the BIGGEST pain in my hip kinda extending into part of my bum. Worst. I washed up and changed and took in more of the loft with a different perspective - a day one, haha. Gradually, everyone that stayed woke up. We lazed around sharing favorite moments from the night. We helped put things away and helped clean everything up - I helped Deja wash the grime off the stairs, haha. We collected our belongings, and headed out for breakfast together.
We went to a place at the end of Deja's street, a little corner restaurant. OH MAN, best french toast of my fucking life. I told everyone about the smokeout my friend Rebecca had told me about, how I'd be meeting her and Monica there at some point, and I invited them all to join me; someone let me use their cell to find out where they were, and a couple people from the group decided they'd come along with me. After a slow, long breakfast, we headed back toward Deja's place. She and her boy stayed there, and the rest of us - Miranda, and two boys (whose names I forget, as I am an asshole) wandered off to find Queen's Park.
We ended up wandering all over, with more cell-borrowing to catch up with Rebecca, hahaha. Through our talks, one of the guys was saying how he wished there was a TV show featuring nothing but hungover people, the morning after a party - so funny. After so much more wandering, I suggested we hop in a cab, but that was vetoed. I got grouchy after a while 'cause my ass still ached from sleeping on that couch, haha. We passed by the Edge, and stopped there for a bit. The Strokes were going to be there in about an hour, but we decided that we really wanted to get to the park, so we left. So close, and yet so far! Haha.
After a few more phone calls to Rebecca, we FINALLY found the park. I called one last time as we got closer, and then I finally found my ladies! And oh, the smoking...sooo much smoking, haha. Apparently 20000 people were there. That's amazing if it's anywhere near accurate, ha! The weather was so perfect that day, so perfect.
A while later, one of the boys suggested we go to his friend's squash tournament. I said goodbye to Rebecca and Monica, and we left. What a strange experience...I think I lasted a whole match before Miranda came and sat by me, asking if I felt as awkward - and as hungry - as she did. We decided to leave, and said goodbye to the guys.
We walked around for a bit, trying to pick somewhere to go for dinner. Of all places, we settled on the Hard Rock Café, haha! I ate expensive french fries. They were pretty good though, so I can't complain. We had a really nice chat while we ate - actually, that whole time was full of nice chats! We walked a little more, and then eventually Miranda had to catch a bus back to Hamilton. She looked so worried that she'd be leaving me to wander around on my own, but I assured her I'd be fine, and we parted ways.
I wandered around Queen Street for a while, knowing that there had to be an internet café around somewhere...I decided not to bother trying to find a payphone. I walked too far in one direction before asking someone where I might find one - and with their direction, backtracked and found it. I wasn't logged in for much longer than a minute before he messaged me with a big WHERE ARE YOUUU! I told him where I was, and to come get me, haha. I waited outside and gave him a giant hug when he got there.
Josh was pretty tired (and so was I, by then) so we went to a coffee shop that frequents. I didn't get anything though. He told me about Toronto, his favorite stores, his experiences throughout the time he's been there. We talked, and he shared some huge words with me - huge thoughts.
I'm glad he was there for that talk.
I missed him so much, but could have missed him so much more.
He told me about the boy he's fond of these days. The connection they share seems so lovely, so real. I'm so happy for him.
We stopped by his place, and I fixed myself up a bit. We wandered over to Paddy Murphy's and spent time outside for a while. Jeff wasn't even there yet! Haha. We went inside and sat at a booth, and Josh bought us drinks, mmm cranberry.
A little while later, Jeff got there, and we dancedancedanced. Oh, he gave me a FAMOUS PLAYER$ mix! I listened to that for so many days, hahaha. Mandy was there too! I don't even remember the last time I saw her pretty face before that, gosh. The Strokes didn't show up, surprise surprise haha. Someone had taken a poster off the wall and rolled it up, and just left it on one of the benches, so I took it, HAH! There were some pretty interesting characters there that night...definitely a different vibe from the last time I came out to see them, haha.
When we left, we stopped by a pizza place - I was SO hungry ahaha. I got a really amazing slice of cheese pizza...oh man, so good. Whatever they did different, they did really well, haha. As we continued along our trek back to his apartment, Josh mentioned how we were close to his favorite little store. He said we should go there sometime. As he approached the door I laughed; it was well past 1am! And then...ding!...he opened the door for me. It was seriously open, I was so stunned. And what a cute little shop! All kinds of jewelry, incense, carved goods...amazing. Next time I hope I have more money so I'm not terrified of being too broke to get back to Union Station on time, haha! We finally got back to his apartment, and quietly went to his room, heh...
The next morning, Josh told me he saw me shiver in my sleep. Bahaha. He walked me out, and gave me PERFECT directions back, haha! I decided to walk there, the weather was so amazing. Of course, I stopped off at McDonald's for a meatless Big Mac meal. A man remarked about how I must be vegetarian, and how that was an "interesting" order, heh. He was pretty nice though. I got to my bus in more than enough time, hooray!
The girl sitting behind me spent most of the ride on her phone, saying something about an audition she had coming up.
And bathing suits.
And former awkwardness, and future awkwardness, like it was nothing - really, nothing.
It really was nothing. No pretense, no charade.
That simply will not be me.
I got off the bus quite near my house, and took my time getting ready for the evening. Yep, I never stop, hahaha. After a few hours, I bathed, and then eventually did my hair and makeup and everything. Then I went to the Underground. I forget the whole lineup, but it doesn't matter - I was just going to see We're Marching On, I think they were playing second. UGH SO GOOD. I hadn't seen them since Murdered City! It was the one boy's birthday, fuck, I forget his name every time...regardless, his dark-haired bandmate's tangled-hood double-hoodie business bothered me senseless, and much hilarity ensued from that, heh.
Then...I said goodbye to them and ran off to the Casbah! Haha. Mayor McCa was playing his first show in Hamilton since his goodbye show, awww. Holyyy funny. Oh man, the way he sang One Million Songs For You...the instruments were basically recorded, and he kinda paced back and forth singing with it, swinging his arms like a little kid, behind himself and then in front of himself. It was so wonderful!
The next morning (May 8th...this really IS going to be a long entry...) I was up early for something, I just don't know what that was. Maybe one of those pre-audition-day rehearsals I arranged? Ah, well. I worked with Zach that evening, and had rehearsal of my own after work.
Apparently I didn't work the next morning, as I was originally scheduled...odd. That night I definitely attended my summer school class for the first time. I totally signed up for it at the last possible chance, haha. Talk about falling behind...more than usual. Ha. The following day (the 10th) I worked a morning shift, and then auditioned somebody. On my way home, I decided to stop in at a little clothing shop in Westdale...and tried on a CUTE black dress. I went home...and got my debit card and went back to buy it, heh. SO CUTE!
Danny came over that night to hangout. We smoked, I shared a whole bunch of music with him. I am bad with words and I was a jerk when he saw me to the bus, haha ugh. I went to Lisa's house, and we headed off to the Underground, as we both obtained free passes for that night's show one night, when we went to a show together at the Casbah sometime a week or two prior. Since it was free, we basically went to support Zach, and then planned to meet up with Ben at the Casbah, heh. I sat where Zach usually gets up on, hoping to prevent him from doing so - Lisa sat there with me. Well, he went for it near the end of their set, regardless...and cracked his head off of a light, effectively falling on top of us. Hilarious. He said something like "we're Cities In Dust, and we're never playing Hamilton again, goodnight." Haha, worst.
After their set, we headed down to the Casbah. HOLY CRAP, DRUMS AND TUBA. What ridiculous music, oh boy. I remember hanging out in the Lounge, too, but I don't remember what was happening in there that night. I may or may not have made a trip to Absinthe that night, too. In any case, I definitely didn't get home until like 3am. Fun night overall!
The next day (May 11th) I know I had night class, and I remember not being able to go buy my books (for night class) that day, for some reason. I pulled an all-nighter to clean my room that night...not just because I am a fool (ha) but it was getting really terribly gross. I mean, really. The following morning, I took a webcam shot of the dust pile I gathered. Gag-worthyyy. Dust and glitter and hair and...sand? Whatever it might have actually been, it doesn't matter. I'm pretty gross, basically.
...I guess that's what happens when you're busy being a rockstar, hahhh.
I handed in my 4A06 ("Honours Performance Project") proposal that day.
I was fine until I waited by the elevators to leave...
Then I started to feel nauseous, short of breath;
Then I realized, I just had to wait. There was nothing more I could do.
I went to the Casbah Lounge that night (the 12th) to see Trevor and Mike be DJs, heh. I had so many other places to go to, but I'm pretty sure I just stayed there all night. For once...haha.
And then sleeping in until the late afternoon the next day.
And sleeping through the storm that rocked the power supply on my computer.
SO MADDENING!
Thankfully, Leeann is a wonderful housemate, and she was with me the whole, frustrating way to getting it fixed! Awww. :) We ordered pizza together that night. I got to bed around 1am, in the hopes of getting myself back into a normal sleeping routine. It...almost worked, ha.
I worked on the 14th, also spending some time with Lisa and my dear friend karaoke, haha! That was pretty fun.
The next night was my audition date for the play I'm directing, IRIS (it stands for several words but psh, IRIS will suffice for this entry, haha). It was a slooow, looong night, phew. Considering not many people showed up, it went relatively well...even though that wasn't the last of the auditions I would see.
Sigh.
Anyway.
The following day (May 16th), I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the bus...I had to go way the hell out to the east end of the city for stupid x-rays for my orthodontist, and their west office machine apparently broke. I haven't had braces since BEFORE high school, god. If my next appointment isn't my final one, I'm going to be so unhappy...as great as he is, I mean...come on...anyway, that night, my night class ended early! Haha yay! I'm pretty sure I spent time with Lisa for a while that night, since class ended early and all. Good times.
The next day, my mother came to see me! She took me to the grocery store. :) After she left, I walked out to the lil' ol' salon to pay for the lil' ol' package deal I managed to score: a manicure, pedicure, and facial, scheduled for the end of the month. Best self-present EVER, haha. I had a meeting regarding IRIS, then a quick bank visit to arrange and change some things. I think that was the night I went to see Le Premier Jardin, really interesting concept to that play - Marisa probably doesn't even realize how stage-smart she is as a director! I apparently went to Snooty for a bit that night...I totally don't even remember who I went with, aaah. I remember feeling somewhat socially hesitant though, and talking to a few friends outside about how it was probably best that I leave. I remember that so vividly, and yet I don't think I really know why that happened, hm.
I had a group meeting before class the next night (May 18th), and then after class I went to Monica's house, for the cast party for Marisa's play. Oh man, what a ridiculously fun night. It was the perfect turnaround from that inexplicable antisocial mood the night prior. I remember keeping Monica from finishing her vodka (so...much...BOOZE in that girl, haha) and I remember laughing a lot, all night. :)
I woke up relatively late on the 19th, and worked that evening. That night, I went to the Casbah to FINALLY see the Wink Burlesque girls. The opening bands didn't really do much for me, I ended up spending a fair amount of time in the Lounge. They had Lucky Skull Accessories present with some of their merch set up, for sale, also selling tickets for a draw - a gift basket with a whole bunch of their stuff in it. I went up at one point and asked to buy a ticket. The girl asked if I wanted "just one," and I told her, "it just takes one to win." I'm so sly, haha.
The girls had a couple contests for free stuff they provided themselves, and I went up for a pick-up line contest. I think I got the best reaction, but I didn't win hahaha - for my pick-up line, I asked for a boy wearing pants, not shorts, to approach the stage. (I can't just SAY pick-up lines, I gotta use them, hahaaa.) When one finally did, I went "hey, so uh, are you from Japan?" He was white, so he obviously said no. And I went "well you should be...'cause ja pants would look REAL nice on my FLOOR..." OH MAN, heh, I didn't win but at least I made a bunch of people laugh!
It ended up being awesome, though...later they did the Lucky Skull Accessories draw, and I won! :D Cutest shit ever, oh man. There's a whole bunch of flowers of different sizes and varieties and colors, even a little butterfly, and a blue plaid bow. They all have a little skull bead right in the center. So badass, heh.
The burlesque show was super cute. So many boobies! Hahaha. Such fun.
The next day (May 20th) I only know that I had a long bath. I probably didn't accomplish much else...and I think I didn't go to a show I had been planning to attend because it was cancelled, as far as I can recall.
On May 21st, I worked all day, and then rushed home to eat before rehearsal. After rehearsal I definitely went to karaoke at Snooty again. Hahaha best. I got a lot of hooting and hollering when I sang - both following, and DURING my rendition of What's Up...good ol' 4 Non-Blondes, bahaha. I am awesome at life! Haha.
On the 22nd, I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything in the morning...let alone all day. I had rehearsal that night though. Afterward I decided to see if my friends were still having their Simpsons marathon. In, um...a classified location, cough...and they were! Me and Allan and Kyrsten ordered pizza together, best idea of life. We were there until sometime shortly after 11pm. Apparently they had started pretty early that day...ridiculous!
Apparently I didn't do anything on the 23rd, aside from attending class. That doesn't seem right...ah, well.
On May 24th I woke up relatively early and made another mall trip to get some final "necessities" (ahaha) for the trip my father and I had coming up in early June. I also got my hair cut, finally! I still adore it. :) That night I attended a surprise birthday party for Brandon in the Lounge. They ordered really good pizza, mmm. I stayed, and Dave was DJing. I think other people did too, I just don't really remember. I remember making an ass out of myself at one point, basically to one person. Argh. I went out to Absinthe for a while though...oh man, I ran into Ryan and Denis and Jackie and Wallis (Wallace?) and Bobby and so many other people! And I met a bunch of people! And more random kisses and ridiculous times in a parking lot in Westdale (I'm so sure they brought their friggin' beer, bahaha)...so much fun. And when I got home, I...mostly fixed my dumbass mistake from earlier in the night. I mean, I'm pretty sure I did. Phew, haha.
The next day (May 25th) I only really remember having to find my classroom, as our midterm was held in a different room from our classes - to prevent the probability of cheating, or whatever. That was annoying. I finished pretty early, and walked home...I was wearing such an adorable outfit that day: black polo-ish dress, with my pale pink angora sweater-turned-miniskirt over the skirt of the dress, with my kneehigh black tights that have pink ribbon laceups behind each knee, and my torn up old Chucks. I met a little golden retriver puppy going for a walk with his owner! He tried to bite the laces behind my knees, haha. Even more awesome, as I was about two blocks away from my house, a black cat began following me...and it had a pink ribbon instead of a collar. HELLO OUTFIT SOULMATES! Haha, so cute. Followed me all the way home - and dashed into my house when I opened the front door, haha! Coaxing it back outside was tricky, but it worked finally. Sososo cute.
That night I met up with Joel downtown, and he came to the Pepper Jack Café with me, to see Joe and Ben's band, Ovenbird. They recently changed the name to the actual spelling of both words, instead of their (now former) variation of Uvenburd. Their music is evolving! And they acquired more band members, who joined them for their last few songs! Oh man, the Water Song made me even happier when I knew it was coming, haha. Great show all around. Sucks that I missed Duncan perform. Ah, well.
That reminds me - sometime before that show...a week, maybe a few weeks?...I saw him perform, and it was funny. What was that part of? It was in the Lounge, I just definitely can't remember when. Goddamn...
The next day (May 26th) I went to the Underground...Ermine was solid and loud and wonderful, and Hoosier Poet was perfect and made me deaf. I definitely should've made note of the whole lineup, but I didn't, and I've since forgetten. Sigh.
On the 27th I definitely received a visit from Amelia! We made a trip to Lime Ridge, followed by a meatless Big Mac meal run after that. We did some cavorting around downtown Hamilton, and then stumbled upon a really worthwhile shoe sale, I think it was like, buy one pair, get the second pair half price. Rather than splitting the deal between us, we both got two pairs of shoes haha. Amelia got really tall wedges, and another high pair with giant jeweled buckles across the wide part of each strap. I really liked those ones - I wish they would've had another pair that fit me properly, haha! I got a pair of low heels, they're really classy looking...but oh man, the other pair I got are now the sexiest shoes I own, good lordy. Later that night, we put on our favorite pairs of our newly acquired shoes, and left.
We went to a show at the Casbah. Charlemagne opened, they played really well! After their set, Amelia and I went down to the Lounge for wine - her, white; me, as per usual, red. I don't know why it hit me as hard as it did, but by golly was I ever warm, haha. We went back upstairs to see The Rest, and they were better than the last time I saw them, so good. Amelia bought pins from them, and gave me one. :)
We went back down to the Lounge, and by then, the games night they had planned was in full-out competition mode! I asked if I could have a Tetris competition, and Beth (who was in charge, while her boy - and my friend! - Ryan was DJing) obliged. I totally won, by SO many points, hahaha...I won a $20 gift certificate for Dr. Disc! So awesome. We went back upstairs to see the Melingrove Band play, and I think that was the first time I had seen them since Murdered City...like when I saw We're Marching On earlier in the month. Man! I happy-heckled them, and the drummer totally played off it, hahaha. So fun.
We wandered down to the Lounge for a bit, and then, when we went back upstairs to wait for The Most Serene Republic to play, she and I pulled up chairs, haha. :D Impractical shoes most definitely led to sore feet - not to mention, we had just had a really long day, oh boy. Such pretty music.
We crossed paths with two adolescents that night, who were dressed kinda silly, thug-like, and they asked us if we were going to a party. I tried so hard not to laugh, and almost failed, hahaha. Oh man. We picked up slices of pizza, and came back here, where I shared a bunch of ridiculous internet videos, haha...best. We didn't decide to go to bed until pretty late, and then I stayed up a little bit later at that, heh. That wasn't the greatest idea...
The next day (28th) I had to work - ALL DAY - and Amelia dropped me off, and left Hamilton. I most likely had rehearsal that night, and then Lisa and I definitely went to karaoke that night. So much funnn aaah. Haha. :)
The next day (May 29th) I don't recall doing anything significant throughout the day, but I definitely had rehearsal in the evening.
On the 30th, I worked in the morning, and then came home and had a long cold bath - sooo hottt that day - effectively skipping my night class. After my bath, I got all ready to go, and then took the GO bus out to see Paul again. I listened to my music at random, and so many songs that I came on throughout the ride matched what I was doing or thinking about, so closely...so bizarre. I remember looking up at the setting sun and hearing a Sunset Rubdown lyric that matched the moment exactly. It felt so surreal.
When I got to Union Station, I called Paul's cell...and left a message, and waited. Some creepy guy was too eager to talk to me, so that was kinda weird. Haha. It started to kinda bug me too much for my liking, at one point, so I called Paul again - and he answered, he was only like half a block away, phewww. We sat on the steps of a building not too far away from the station and shared a cigarette. He looked at the last song to come up in my playlist, and joked about it - Iggy Pop, The Passenger - and how it was hilariously suitable, considering I just got off the bus, haha.
We took the subway to his place, and he definitely decided to get on at the wrong place, haha...basically we were just on it longer than we had to be. Blah blah blah, travel travel, we arrived. I like the train tracks we, uh, didn't cross to get to his place, they seem like they'd be fun to explore. Paul's loft is so cute! I finally saw that ridiculous duck toy he had told me about/got stuck in my head...damn catchy song, haha. His drawings that he stencilled onto his kitchen cupboards were too amazing, ahaha. We watched a few episodes of Wonder Showzen and oh man, how I laughed (and occasionally groaned) at that friggin' show. We flipped through his book of Slavic (specifically Russian I think?) prison tattoos - incredible - and he showed me a book about black metal, too, the stuff he told me about was crazy. We definitely didn't get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, hah.
We woke up fairly early, at that, as he had to work and I had an appointment to attend. He called me a cab - there was no way in hell I'd find my way back via public transit, ahaha, oh man. The cab ride cost me all of $18.75...I gave the guy a $20 and hopped out. He looked so surprised that I didn't wait for change! When I got home I messaged Paul and told him the cab ride was much more expensive than we were thinking it might be. Then I admitted that it was actually far cheaper, haha. I'm a jerk.
That day (31st) I had my appointment for the manicure/pedicure/facial that I paid for a few weeks prior...OH MAN, so good. I fell asleep during the facial, haha. I felt so, so, SO fucking sexy after it. I sat around for a while, not really knowing what to make of how sexy I felt, haha! I took off a lot of clothes and lounged around for a while. Then I got ready and went to the Casbah Lounge for Eclectricity night, that was fun. I forget the whole lineup, but Josephine Foster headlined, and...holy crap. That harp, and the way she strums her guitar, and all of it...so overwhelmingly beautiful, my god. I ended up catching a cab back home with Andy and Dave and Steve, and Andy contributed far too much money for the fare! I joined Dave and Steve on a trip to the grocery store (good ol' 24-hour service, haha) and then to Steve's place for a while. They're such fun boys, I'm really glad I know them. As I walked home, I definitely heard the birds chirping, ahaha.
OH MAN, THAT'S MAY...
So I just went for a short walk, just to take a little break, of sorts.
To Second Cup.
Where I bought a beverage.
A caffeinated beverage. Of course.
An "icepresso." (Man, did I ever feel like a dick ordering that. Stop giving your products names that make customers sound like dicks for ordering, corporations...)
A large one, in fact.
...Oh boy.
June time!
On the 1st, I met another person who wanted to audition for IRIS, and then had a meeting regarding the production. In that meeting, I finalized my cast. Well, as it would turn out...I mostly finalized my cast. Sigh. New experience, new process, definitely learning...
After class that night, I basically stayed up all night getting ready. My dad said he'd come bright and early to pick me up. I called home about half an hour after his planned arrival time, to maybe see if my younger brother was home, and find out if something was up. MY DAD picked up...so I got crabby with him, haha. So he was like, an hour and a half late, when usually he's even a bit early. Anyway, he picked me up, and we loaded my stuff into his truck - and then we were off for Massachusetts! :)
I basically put music into my ears and slept most of the way there. The official at the border was so perfect-looking...but so cold, it was really sad actually. Such amazing sights along the way though, my goodness.
We made a brief stop in...Buffalo, I think it was...'cause my dad wanted to visit a market there. We saw a very scary looking unkempt woman; as we passed by her, I said "you know...I could've lived my whole life without seeing that woman." My dad laughed, and then somehow attached it to a comment about the state of the hems of my pant legs. Oh, that's my good ol' dad, alright...haha. We met a Polish woman running one of the food service places inside. She made me a toasted bagel with swiss cheese, so tasty. They had bread for sale there from HAMILTON, so ridiculous. She was nice. She also said Canada like it was meant to have breaths between each syllable, haha...oh, Americans...so cute sometimes. :D
Every time I woke up along the trip, I'd just go right back to sleep, I was so tired. My dad scolded me the one time I woke up, apparently my music was so loud HE could hear it clearly, haha...oops. When we weren't too far away from our destination, it began to POUR...and wouldn't it just be our luck that the rain continued all weekend.
...Even more awesomely, I had packed for the type of weather we had been having back home at the time: hot, sunny, sticky. I didn't pack a jacket - let alone a cardigan. Oh boy...
Anyway, as the rain began to pour, we found ourselves stuck on a highway in pretty bad traffic. Apparently, that was the perfect time for me to have to use the washroom. I had to wait close to 45 minutes before we could find an exit...UGH. That was so painful. By the time I finally got to a toilet, I went so much, and felt so relieved, that I just about moaned the loudest I ever have in my life - except I knew that a woman was in there with two very young relatives, so I bit my lip...and that hurt, haha.
Not long after that, we stopped at a grocery store to pick up a bouquet. Then, we arrived at my godmother's house! Had this trip taken place in August, it would've been exactly TEN years since I had seen her last...so strange to think about.
Her house was very different. They had renovated a fair bit, and had an addition built onto it as well! It's so spacious and gorgeous now, my goodness. Liz's parents are so wonderful and caring...her mother fussed over me all weekend, gosh. When they learned that I'm vegetarian now, her mother was so concerned that I wouldn't have enough to eat...but fresh breads, cream cheese, and deli cheese was more than abundant for this happy lil' tummy. :) Even when she forgot, a few days later, offering me bacon...we laughed as I reminded her. And then she offered me more, more, more food. Haha.
That night, we essentially talked for a while - but mostly, I listened, as the conversations turned to Polish and stayed there. Aside from catching little bits of their conversations, I didn't really follow what everyone was talking about...especially as I drifted in and out of paying attention, anyway. It was nice though. I didn't exactly feel left out, at all. It was really nice.
The next day, I woke up feeling kinda sick...the house was a little colder than what I'm accustomed to. :S We went to Liz's brother Jan's house that day. On the way, my godmother showed us a whole bunch of giant, terribly expensive houses. We got to Jan's house, and when he saw me, his first reaction was "wow, you look really different...cool!" I wasn't expecting that at all, haha. Mara's so big! And Thomas is so energetic! It was great, we wandered around their house a little...I remembered so much from the lobster bake they had there, ten years ago. They even have the same carved, changeable calendar hanging on the wall in the kitchen, ahaha. We went outside and walked around the property a bit. I pocketed an acorn, heh.
It was decided that we'd all go out for lunch together, so we went to a restaurant...holy big portions, aghhh. Very tasty food though. Mara was sick, and was fine up until then, but she lost her appetite shortly after she began eating, and apparently got sick when she got back home that day, poor girl. Thomas was really hyper, it was awesome, haha. He was like, my Michael replacement for the trip, ha! When he decided he had his fill of his lunch, he slid out of his chair and was just generally being energetic and adorable and funny. At one point, his mom, Cindy, went "hey Thomas, shake your booty!" and he wiggled his butt shamelessly, ahaha.
Later that day, Jan drove me, my dad, and my godmother around to show us more expensive houses - he recently quit his airplane job (hee) and got into Real Estate. My god, some of the neighborhoods we saw...ALL giant houses, ALL ridiculously expensive. Really, I think the highlight of the drive for me - with Jan's tracking system/direction-providing technology coming in at a close second (especially since it kept not working) - was Crazy coming on a radio station as he flipped through, haha. :P
We went to another restaurant for dinner that night...again, the portions were so overwhelming! So much food, so little room for it in my belly, hah.
Anyway, on the Sunday (June 4th) of our trip, we had planned to attend Liz's niece Elizabeth's high school graduation. We went to their house where everyone gathered to eat preceding the ceremony...Mike and Ted have totally grown, it's strange. I say that like they're so much younger than me...I'm only a year older, har. They're identical twins but I could definitely tell the difference between them this time...ten years after last seeing them, haha. Elizabeth is so beautiful! And Clare is totally grown - and totally didn't remember me, 'cause she was like, a toddler when I last saw her, hahaha. It was great seeing them all again. Ted constantly referring to Canadian things, and sorta gesturing toward me, was hilarious.
Oh, and Thomas climbed underneath some sort of game table they have in the house somewhere, and his pants were covered in dust and grossness, so his pants had to be thrown in the wash. He definitely came into the room where we were all sitting, watching a baseball game...without pants on. So funny. One of the twins told him to moonwalk, and everyone laughed. I thought, oh man...and I went "hey Thomas, shake your booty!" and he shook his little underwear covered bum without thinking twice. Everyone howled! :D
We all had cake, and then shortly after that, a bunch of pictures were taken. We did a big group picture...I hope my godmother can get a copy and mail it to me, it'll be awesome if I can dig up a picture from the visit ten years ago, too, just to see how different everyone looks. Even though it'll surely creep me out, haha.
Then, we headed out to Elizabeth's high school. She attended a private high school, which was an old estate that was transformed into a school, with additional buildings built throughout the property from there. It was overwhelming. I can't even imagine that being a home at one point...let alone a school. I swear, it compared in size to probably a smaller city block, here. Gosh. Oh, and I helped keep Thomas mostly quiet and well-mannered during the ceremony. Mostly, haha. He's so young, he can't help but go crazy - I wish I had his excuse, hahaha.
After, as we all headed back to the vehicles, we said our goodbyes - my dad and I would be leaving for home early the next morning, after all. Cindy commented on how I made a real friend out of Thomas - and said "so, we'll be sending him to visit for a week in August?" I was like "ABSOLUTELY, do it!" Hahaha.
That night, we went to yet another restaurant for dinner...and yet again, I couldn't believe the portions. I had a salad and a personal pizza, and I was almost full after the salad, haha, oh man.
Note to the USA: portion control?
Seriously, I thought I was bad sometimes...hahaha. :P
The next morning, I wasn't awake early enough to see my godmother before she had to leave for work...pooh. My dad was talking with her parents at the kitchen table, though, so I joined and had my last fresh bread and fresh cheese breakfast, aw.
As we got ready to get in the truck and go, Liz's mother said something to my father in Polish. Slowly, his face grew more solemn.
And as she continued to speak to him, I watched as he fought tears.
Not in all of my twenty-one years can I recall seeing that.
Not once.
I don't need to know what she said to him.
I don't need to know how huge it was, how important the words were.
I could see it.
All I needed to know was what I saw.
All around me, tears on cheeks. Tears that fought harder to roll, and succeeded.
She turned to me to say goodbye, and said how glad she was to see me - to remember her, to come back to visit, to come back as soon as I could, as often as I could. Reasons unspoken, but reasons that spoke louder than words needed to speak.
I fought my tears harder, and most never met my cheeks.
I smiled, instead.
I waved out of the window as she and her husband stood at the end of the driveway, waving back. We drove down their road, and as we began to turn the corner, I looked back and waved again - they were still watching. They waved again.
These memories, these images.
I remember reflecting upon the visit, recalling my godmother's situation - all these years, living with her parents...having an established career, lots of money, taking lots of trips all around the world. Thinking about how happy she genuinely seems with where her life is, and has taken her.
I remember realizing - really recognizing - I do not want her life. She is happy, she is comfortable...but I couldn't be. I simply couldn't be.
I love everything I learned on this trip.
On the way back, my father and I stopped at the Duty Free. As I perused the numerous makeup shelves, he urged me to "hurry up" - alright dad, no makeup for me, I get it, hahaha. He picked up a few big ol' bottles of alcohol...I made a brief, indirect attempt to pick a bottle of my own, but I gave up when he didn't get the hint that I wanted it, haha. Near the checkout, I snapped into candy mode (of course...it's ME...heh) and asked if I could get "this chocolate bar; it's only three dollars!" He said yes. Ohhh man...it's a bar of milk chocolate, which is fine...with almonds, even better...and there is HALF A POUND OF IT. IN ONE BAR.
...OHHH MAN. Ahaha.
Anyway, when we got back to my house, I learned that the internet was down, and after many calls made, and many frustrated tears shed, that it was down because a bill hadn't been paid. Not that it hadn't been paid on time - it hadn't been paid. At all. Long story short, everything is cleared up now. More fees than necessary have been paid, but above all, everything's fixed now. Ugh. So frustrating!
I don't recall what I did the next day (June 6th), but I know it definitely wasn't much of anything, haha. I think I started to feel really sick that day too, most likely.
On June 7th, I worked during the evening. I still felt sick, but I found out that Chris Yang was playing in the Lounge, so I decided that I'd go and stay until I felt too sick to be there any longer. I was fine for most of the night, and his set was lovely. I also spent the night hanging out with Caitlin! We hadn't properly hung out in so long, so good to spend time with her. On my walk home, of course I had to be harassed...ugh. Fucking city...
The next day (8th) I had a meeting, and I felt sick again. I struggled through it though, especially considering the trip put me slightly behind, in terms of e-mail correspondence and whatnot. After my class that night, I stopped by the Pita Pit for a while. Christine works there, and had let me borrow her notes to catch up on classes I had missed...and uh, not skipped to hangout with people in Toronto, ahem. Haha. So, I decided to copy them out there, and leave her book there for her to pick up, rather than making an extra trip to drop it off sometime. That really worked out well, too. I drank some Neocitran that night...and it totally didn't knock me out like it usually does. I didn't even get to sleep until sometime after 3am, argh.
On the 9th, I was still kinda sick, but mostly alright. I wasn't able to meet with someone...who I was auditioning for IRIS, actually...but I had to audition her sometime before my next meeting with the Project Co-ordinator, so we agreed to meet quickly before my rehearsal Sunday night. I worked from 3 until 9pm, and I had to forego Laura's birthday celebrations at the Phoenix. I felt like I was going to pass out when I got home, egh.
The next day I worked...all day...and then spent several hours being a dork on the internet, messaging people and whatnot, haha. I also spent a lot of time watching silly videos, hoping that the laughter might somehow positively affect my health. It...didn't really work, hah, crap.
It was weird, though - the more I worked that weekend, the more I kept thinking about the class I had applied for. I still hadn't heard back about whether or not I had been accepted into the class. There was a strange discrepancy in how people were being informed...and then I just hadn't heard anything. Not a single thing. And then I couldn't sleep. All I could do was wonder. Not sleeping, in addition to being sick, and worrying...terrible, just terrible.
On the 11th, I woke up...and the medicines I consumed the night prior, in conjunction with the caffeine I consumed that morning, resulted in a pretty puke-filled morning. I would puke, brush my teeth, continue getting ready for the day, and the cycle would repeat - puke, brush, ready, puke...it was terrible. I managed to gather myself enough to go to work, and made it through the shift.
Then basically, the day kept getting worse.
I couldn't get in contact with the girl whom I was to audition. I was late for rehearsal, just waiting to hear back from her. Frustrating phone calls. Travel. More frustrating phone calls. Relocation of my rehearsal. She arrives. I step aside with her and begin the audition. Frustration. Miscommunication. Trying to rush...not going fast enough, regardless. More frustration. Awkwardness, uncomfortable attendance. Hesitation. Reservation. Relief, and departure.
I dropped my things off at home, straightened myself out a bit (unfortunately, frustration was met with a fair amount of tears that day...sigh) and headed over to Snooty for karaoke - which of course, never fails to cheer me up when things look down, hee. Dan seriously asked me if I had been drinking, as I was only drinking water and he just couldn't figure out why I was so energetic. I explained just generally how the day was so disheartening in so many ways, and I was just taking some time to ignore it all and try and be happy.
Lots of people told me I was cute, and it made me even more giggly. It felt so great, honestly. Matt was there for a while, and I mentioned how my day had bombed terribly. He took me "to his office" - outside, for a smoke, haha, to ask me about what had happened. I explained everything...and when I mentioned that I had been sobbing, he actually pointed out that I had a big eye makeup streak across the top of my left cheek...sigh.
I wonder how many people saw that.
I wonder if anyone figured it out.
I sang some songs, and eventually wandered along home.
I came home to a disconcerting message.
I explained myself, how I needed to fix the day by just being a bit reckless and ignoring everything that made me sad...to just spend time among that and those which makes me smile. I apologized for all the ways in which I let others pull me, and how that day had frustrated me so much that I simply wouldn't let it continue any longer. I explained everything that was on my mind...even how I had been broke for a fair amount of days, and how I didn't even really have much food left in my house, yet couldn't afford to fix that. How I was embarrassed to admit it, and still didn't want to, but had to. So tricky, so scary.
In any case, I woke up the next morning (June 12th) to a beautiful response. My heart felt lighter. I also felt entirely healthy again that day! I had my first meeting with the cast of IRIS that afternoon, followed shortly thereafter by a rehearsal of my own. That night, I went to visit Lisa, and we were silly and spirited, sharing so many laughs - and fruit that Leeann's parents had put on my shelf in the fridge! Share a kind gesture in a kind way, I say. :) I felt so happy when I got home that night, and eventually went to bed.
...Then I woke up on the 13th, sicker than ever.
I called in to work and said I'd be getting to a doctor as soon as I could that day, and basically tried to see if I'd be able to get out of work the next day. Thankfully, I did.
Thankfully, Lauren saw my plea for a ride to a doctor in my msn name. She came over, picked me up, and drove me to the walk-in clinic in Westdale. The doctor did a test for strep throat, and I explained how I felt just like I did back in November when I fell ill - and how both times I went in and was tested for strep, it came back negative.
So, she came back in the room a short while later, and told me the test was positive. And I felt like a jackass, hahaha. :P
I didn't remember to bring my debit card with me, so Lauren drove me back to my place, I ran in and got it, and we drove back so I could go to the pharmacy next door to the clinic. Stacey passed by, and I responded to her "hey, how's it going?" with a big ol' "I have strep throat, woooooooooooooo!" while waving my prescription in the air. And I didn't stop to really talk, only realizing after what a jerk I must've been, gosh. The next time I saw her, I definitely apologized, and she said it was no big deal, but it still bugs me, grah. Ah, well.
Anyway, I paid for my prescription with my card...all $2.73 of it. Yep. When I told Lauren how we made all that extra effort for TWO DOLLARS and SEVENTY-THREE CENTS, she said had we known, my penicillin would've been "her treat," hahaha. I owe that lady for that whole thing, honestly. So nice of her.
I came home and started to feel really dizzy and nauseous again. I called work to explain what the doctor told me - I'd be contagious for one whole week, and I asked if I could get out of my Friday shift as well. That was also alright - I am so lucky - and I was to call in before my Sunday shift if I wasn't okay by then to do it. I also contacted Lisa, since we had shared food and everything the night before...thankfully she didn't catch it at all, at any point, phewww. I was so scared that she might've caught it. I put on a Sex & The City webstream and passed out for a long time. And then woke up 'cause the ibuprofen wore off, and I had to take more penicillin anyway...and passed out some more. That was basically my routine for the next couple of days, haha.
The next day my mom came to visit around lunch, as I was basically grouching in bed. She helped me get out of bed and compose myself, and we went to the grocery store...it was a short trip, that's for sure, haha. She bought me a big box of freezies, that made me smile a whole lot. :) I came home and passed out some more...after eating a couple freezies, of course, haha. I remember waking up early that evening and thinking about how I was missing Eclectricity, and how I couldn't go support Zach at his CD release show. Baw.
The next day, too, I missed shows at the Underground and Casbah. No double-shows for the strep throat monster, that's for sure, haha...aw...
Most of my strep throat experience is pretty hazy, actually. I remember how sleeping all day would keep me awake at night for a while, and how being awake at night would gradually make me more and more nauseous the longer I couldn't sleep. That was painful. I remember finishing the take-home final exam for my summer school course, and doing it so, so, SO poorly, just so it could be done and forgotten...I left a message for my professor the day before the final due date, explaining that I was sick and afraid I wouldn't complete it, let alone complete it well. When I got home that day, after handing it in...she called. I explained, I just did it to finish it, and it was already submitted. She said, genuinely, that she'd take my illness into consideration when marking it. I hope that helps a fair bit...egh.
On a less crappy note (haha), I remember a conversation with Paul which resulted in referencing a "mexigull" which almost caused the spitting of a be-healthy-smoothie everywhere, ahaha. I also remember feeling significantly less snot-filled by Saturday (June 17th) - and how much of a relief that was!
By the 18th, I still had to take the penicillin of course, but I started to feel much better! I had a conversation with Josh...much to my surprise, I wasn't angry. I hadn't spoken to him in months, so many months. He said he'd be at the show that night, and I said I might come if I was still feeling well enough. Thankfully, the conversation was nice, and stayed nice - no leaving on sour notes. It was odd, but it was a welcome change.
I didn't have to call-in asking for the shift off, thankfully...money is good to make and have. Heather and I were treated to a live in-store music performance, ohhh what a day. I'm going to miss working with her, gosh. It's always so much fun, so full of giggles!
That night, I had rehearsal, and after rehearsal I went to a show at the Casbah. I missed Cowlick, arghhh. I got there during Tell The Divers' set, and they're just as lovely and solid as ever. I like their newer songs a lot! Oh man, Kitchens And Bathrooms finally re-banded and I finally got to see them perform!!! It was really good, really really good. And then Don Caballero played...and I nearly lost my shit. Their music wraps around you - you can't help but find yourself in it, but you don't want to step out of it if you're really listening. It's amazing. I'm glad I didn't get to know much of their music before the show, slight familiarity coupled with the surprise attached to my amazement of their sounds created the perfect experience. :)
Furthermore, at the show, I hugged Josh for the first time since...god, late August of 2004? Early September? Regardless, it was nice. It finally felt okay to do so. It felt okay to not want to let go...just for an extra moment or two, that's all.
We talked in the Lounge for a while. He said many things - how he has grown, how he has changed, how he has reflected and realized and regretted.
Two years.
Two years, and this heart heard many things it deserved to receive.
And yet...
So much still has not changed.
But that's okay, because this time my eyes are open. I'm not afraid to look, and I know what I see, and know that I'm no longer mistaken.
Don Cab was about to start, but I suggested that we shouldn't leave the conversation at that. I suggested hanging out after the show. He mentioned work, waking up early, all these things. Only after the show was over did he decide that, yes, it was a good idea - a worthwhile idea.
And it was.
We walked home in the rain, and I borrowed his hat. I got completely soaked, head to toe...save for my back, somehow? Hahaha. We got back and I changed. We talked, and talked, and talked.
And I revisited places that only a changed girl could visit.
He ended up calling in sick for work, and catching a bus back sometime that morning.
...And my heart can see for certain -
Despite his words, despite it all...
He hasn't changed.
He hasn't changed a bit.
And now, whether or not he would even admit to it again - to anyone else, or even to me once more - I was ready to give him something so special, so huge...
And he fucked it up.
This isn't resentment, it's realization.
He wasn't ready for something that real.
He ruined what could have been something so untouchable.
He stole so much of my trust, but after two years, I realized -
He tried to take my heart, but he failed -
I still have it.
His is lost, and he doesn't realize...so long as he doesn't truly change, he'll never find it again. Whether he thinks he needs it or not, he does. He does. And one day, maybe that will actually hit him.
It's so sad to know that after two years, his heart is still the same.
It doesn't matter.
I'm glad I can talk to him again, without resentment.
I'll pray for him. I mean that.
I am so thankful I can speak to him with a settled heart.
The next night (June 19th), I had rehearsal. I felt like it went really well, despite how exhausted I was from lack of sleep. This character - and play, overall - just keeps getting more and more fun to be tackling. :) That night I joined a group of people celebrating (my castmate) Magali's birthday! I totally ate battered, cheese-stuffed olives served in a martini glass. I felt so...oddly swank, hahaha.
On the 20th, I had an IRIS meeting - the cast (well, most of us) gathered to watch the recording of last year's production, to give everyone an idea of what kind of production this will be. Ideas are already flowing among all of us; good connections are being drawn. This feels promising!
I went to a Summer Drama Festival meeting that night. I gotta work on not being so talkative unless I'm actually contributing ideas or whatever, hahaha. I've always gotta be the comedian, apparently. :P I can't help it, I'm an actor, I like attention! Haha. Lisa came over that night, and we smoked and chatted and shared so many stories...what a great night, so full of chatting!
On the 21st, I worked in the evening. I had planned to go to the Hub for karaoke with Mike, but I had also planned to go to Absinthe for Motown night with Lisa, and realized how much travelling would be involved...Lisa had a big annoyance bubble over, at that, so I decided it was best to forego karaoke that night. I went to her place, and we chatted, she vented...and then we went to Absinthe and had SOOO much fun! I met a lot of people, too. Such a random, incredibly fun night. :)
The next day (June 22nd), I talked to my Sam on the phone for a fair while! :D I miss that lady so badly it's actually started to hurt my heart, as of late. Aw. We're totally gonna hangout soon though, I'm so happy!!!
I had a meeting for IRIS that afternoon, and then our cast's first Campus Partners meeting. Everything's going really rather smoothly, I'm so pleased with it. I had a rehearsal of my own late that night. I joined Miranda, Sophie, and Magali for dinner preceding the rehearsal. That night was devoted to cast-building activities, and a question-and-answer exercise. It felt really awesome to get to know everyone in the cast that well. We finished really late, egh...Allan walked me home, and we had a really good chat on the sidewalk, haha. Then I couldn't sleep for quite a while, so harsh, gah...
On the 23rd, we had rehearsal from 11-3...and having had so much trouble falling asleep that night, and waking up feeling stressed that day, well...I broke down during rehearsal. I tried to maintain my composure, for so long, but I cracked. I felt really bad - everything stopped, because of me. We did line runs though, and it's helping me move past my frustration. This is such a tricky script to memorize...I'm used to associating line memorization to the way that one learns the words of a song - and then, with this script, especially, there is so much dialogue attached to action, it's that sort of play that's easier to memorize by DOING, not by THINKING. I don't know. I feel like I'm dropping the ball, but the ways I'm trying to learn, and to change...it's not working well enough. Or fast enough, I suppose. I'm trying, though. I'm not going to stop striving toward this.
...It is so amazing, after all. :)
I was pretty upset when I got home, and I was just going to nap to ignore how frustrated I felt. Lisa talked me into visiting her at work, though...so I went to see her at Aardvark, and then I joined her at her other job - she is the bartender at Yuk Yuk's, on the mountain - and then we even ended up at the Casbah for a bit that night...and as we parted ways, I actually ended up on campus, at the Phoenix, for Laura's goodnight (NOT goodbye!) gathering! She was so drunk, haha. Love that lady. I even stopped in at the Pita Pit on my way home, to say hi to anyone that was working that I knew...which I totally would've felt too antisocial to do, had it been any earlier that day. It was such a cheerful ending to such a trying day. I needed to be cheered up - and I'm glad Lisa talked me out of staying at home to mope. :)
On the 24th, I woke up very late, and eventually jumped in the tub for a long, slow bath. So nice. Carly came to visit that afternoon, and I FINALLY bought that shirt from her! Sososo adorable. I wore it out that night - I went to the Underground.
Charlemagne opened, and even though not many people had arrived yet, I thought they performed really well. Ben and I stepped outside and smoked a bit together; we had some hilarious chats, oh man ahaha. We came back inside to watch Jon Epworth and The Improvements - HOLY CRAP. I think the last time I saw them was when I FIRST ever saw them, last summer...the world could've ended after Extra Fries and I would've been okay, my gosh. I think Lisa was there by that point. She and Ben and I stepped outside, smoked some more, more laughter ensued. We came back inside to see the Sourkeys perform. It's been a while since I've seen them perform, too, gosh...I was very glad to hear Sick Since Sunday, oh man. The Inflation Kills ended off the night, and they were so solid, jeesh. I'm never disappointed by that band.
When I walked home that night, I definitely buttoned up my cardigan...the shirt is pretty cleavagey, and I don't need to draw any more attention to myself when I walk home alone. I STILL got harassed a whole bunch of times though. Jesus. I stopped by the Lounge, as it was en route, basically to say hello to anyone that was still around. From the Underground to the Casbah, I was harassed not once, but twice...by the same fucking guy in a car. Ugh. Then, on my walk home from the Lounge, as I was walking along the bridge, some guy in a car speeding past yelled out "heyyy, do you give blowjobs?" I mean, really...
If a girl is walking home alone, LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE. Is it that hard?
Anyway, I worked the next day (this Sunday - June 25th) and had a rehearsal that night. Then, of course, I went to karaoke at Snooty. That was fun - I got to really talk to Miranda for the first time since our adventure during my Toronto weekend in early May! Such a nice lady. Rachel and I walked home together, and sat and chatted on my front step for a while, it was a really good talk. Such a great night, on whole!
On the 26th, I basically spent the day getting everything in order for my brief trip home that night. My dad came and got me sometime after 10pm; we made a quick stop at a Tim Horton's along the way...and then their cash registers all magically closed. That wasn't much fun. We finally got home around a quarter after 11 or so. I called Scott, and he was still awake, despite having to be up before dawn for work, egh. I called Amelia too, but I just heard some sort of murmur, and then the connection was no more, haha. It was pretty late, though, I didn't take it personally! Haha.
The next morning, Matthew woke me up, and I copied his choice of cereal for breakfast - we watched Breakfast Television together and I cracked jokes. We always have so much fun together now, hahaha I love it. He drove me to my dental appointment - 9am...good times. Not really, but yeah. Haha. My dentist has fallen ill, from what I understand, so there was another dentist filling in for him. After my teeth had been cleaned and everything, he just looked them over, really, anyway.
I called Matthew to pick me up, and we went to visit Michael and Diana! MICHAEL'S GETTING SO BIG! And Diana actually grew less and less hesitant of me! Oh gosh, visiting them really rejuvenated me.
I get homesick for those two, what can I say. Hee. :)
We went back to the house so I could gather up my things, and then Matthew drove me to Brantford so I could take Greyhound back to Hamilton (less driving for him). I made him stop at Fast Eddie's, haha. I got pickle fries and a drink, and got him a double chocolate crumble milkshake - which I demanded a sip of, haha. Of course.
I stayed on the bus and got off at the campus stop, rather than going home first. I had rehearsal from 3-4pm with just Allan, and hoooly crap, great progress. Our one scene alone together feels so different - and it was good before, but it's GREAT now! Haha yay. :)
I attended another SDF meeting that day, once again at 5pm. I was too talkative, again, of course. Haha. I headed out to Lisa's place that night, and joined her in meeting some of her coworkers at the Corktown. That was actually my first visit there, it looks like it'd be really fun for shows. We headed over to La Luna, as there were many hungry bellies among the group. That was also my first visit to La Luna...oh man, so good. I had a falafel - and I definitely enjoyed it. I'll have to try to get them more often, maybe before shows at the Casbah sometime, haha.
I stopped by the Lounge to see who I knew, and Stacey and Kevyn were outside - I said hello, and continued along inside...and saw no one else I knew. I
...And among the stress that inevitably occurs when one becomes so busy, the greats almost seem to become greater - in greater frequencies, as though the space between each becomes lesser and lesser...
Backtrack...hahaha oh man, here we go - good thing I have messenger histories and (to a lesser extent) calendars to help me remember things a little better...
May 3rd brought about an early shift at work, which was pretty ridiculous following my last all-nighter update, hahaha! My meeting afterward was actually moved to the next day, as a lot of changes were underway at the office. Phew! That would've been tiring, considering the all-nighter I pulled for my last update, haha. Since it was cancelled, I napped...for about six hours, heh, oops.
The next day, I went to the rescheduled meeting. Then I worked a weird 2pm-5pm shift. So random. Looks like I spent the rest of the day in my underthings, catching up on chores like laundry and such. I went to bed relatively early that night...for once, ha.
I had messaged Josh for the first time in a few days prior to my trip planned for that weekend, and since I hadn't seen him in YEARS, I suggested we hangout - and even invited him to join me that Saturday night. He was free, and he agreed (yay!) so he had given me his number to call him at some point while I was there.
The next day I woke up pretty early and made a trip out to Lime Ridge for some random errands. I wanted to get my hair cut that day, but the place I've grown fond of was completely booked up, pooh. As per usual, I bought piles and piles of shit I don't really need - however, I use everything I buy, so I suppose that's better than buying shit I don't need AND never use. Right? Anyway...
When I got home, I made a last minute appointment to get my eyebrows done. I ran over, and before I left, I got a complimentary - and sososo pretty - makeup application! So fun. I made a quick stop at home to touch it up (I'm picky about my makeup, what can I say?) and got everything ready for my trip that night. I checked some messages, and left Joel some messages. Then, I ran to work, as I had a 5-9 shift that night. Joel called at one point, and I told him he should join me on my adventure. As chance would have it, he had plans in Toronto that night, so I talked him into leaving a bit later than he had planned, so we could take the bus together! He met me at work, and we took the bus from the store right to the GO Station.
I brought a bottle of Tough Shit with me (heh) and drank it on the bus. I rested my head on Joel's shoulder for most of the ride; I may or may not have fallen asleep for a while, I don't remember exactly. When we got to Toronto, we...wandered around. I didn't exactly have the clearest directions to the party, haha oops. Joel was actually pretty patient with me through most of it. We saw a Hummer limo and Joel cracked a joke about how Cities In Dust was probably inside, ahaha.
Eventually, wandering around on foot wasn't cutting it, so we decided to hop in a cab. Of all cabs, we hopped into the one belonging to Mr. Geography. I'm not joking. We didn't get a single one right - and he answered our questions with no hesitation. After some more looking (the instructions were a bit more vague than I thought, oops) Joel got a bit frustrated, as it was getting fairly late, so he hopped out of the cab.
Honestly, I started to panic a little bit. I asked the driver if he had a cell, let alone if he would mind me using it. He didn't mind in the slightest. When I called Deja, she told me to look for an open front door - we were only a few houses away. Relief! I told her I'd see her in a minute, and gave the driver his cell back...and rounded up the fee by a few dollars. :)
My goodness, Deja's father's loft was gorgeous. I was so overwhelmed just wandering around, looking around - especially on the balcony! What a terribly gorgeous view...too bad it was a bit rainy (and juuust a bit too cold) that night. Once I finished off the Tough Shit I didn't drink any more - I did have a bit of coffee though, I was pretty tired by then, hahaha. I met some really nice people that night. This one guy looked JUST LIKE MATTY SPIRZGLAS AAAH. Haha. Around 3am, maybe closer to 4am, I intended to "gather my bearings," we'll say...and basically ended up starting to fall asleep, haha. I found a spot upstairs on a LEOPARD PRINT COUCH. My liiife. It kinda sucked 'cause I didn't have a blanket (there was none left to be had, growf) and it was a bit too firm - countless times, I'd wake up because I wasn't comfortable anymore, but I couldn't move or I'd freeze! It sucked at the time, but looking back it's pretty funny to think about.
I woke up still a wee bit cold, and with the BIGGEST pain in my hip kinda extending into part of my bum. Worst. I washed up and changed and took in more of the loft with a different perspective - a day one, haha. Gradually, everyone that stayed woke up. We lazed around sharing favorite moments from the night. We helped put things away and helped clean everything up - I helped Deja wash the grime off the stairs, haha. We collected our belongings, and headed out for breakfast together.
We went to a place at the end of Deja's street, a little corner restaurant. OH MAN, best french toast of my fucking life. I told everyone about the smokeout my friend Rebecca had told me about, how I'd be meeting her and Monica there at some point, and I invited them all to join me; someone let me use their cell to find out where they were, and a couple people from the group decided they'd come along with me. After a slow, long breakfast, we headed back toward Deja's place. She and her boy stayed there, and the rest of us - Miranda, and two boys (whose names I forget, as I am an asshole) wandered off to find Queen's Park.
We ended up wandering all over, with more cell-borrowing to catch up with Rebecca, hahaha. Through our talks, one of the guys was saying how he wished there was a TV show featuring nothing but hungover people, the morning after a party - so funny. After so much more wandering, I suggested we hop in a cab, but that was vetoed. I got grouchy after a while 'cause my ass still ached from sleeping on that couch, haha. We passed by the Edge, and stopped there for a bit. The Strokes were going to be there in about an hour, but we decided that we really wanted to get to the park, so we left. So close, and yet so far! Haha.
After a few more phone calls to Rebecca, we FINALLY found the park. I called one last time as we got closer, and then I finally found my ladies! And oh, the smoking...sooo much smoking, haha. Apparently 20000 people were there. That's amazing if it's anywhere near accurate, ha! The weather was so perfect that day, so perfect.
A while later, one of the boys suggested we go to his friend's squash tournament. I said goodbye to Rebecca and Monica, and we left. What a strange experience...I think I lasted a whole match before Miranda came and sat by me, asking if I felt as awkward - and as hungry - as she did. We decided to leave, and said goodbye to the guys.
We walked around for a bit, trying to pick somewhere to go for dinner. Of all places, we settled on the Hard Rock Café, haha! I ate expensive french fries. They were pretty good though, so I can't complain. We had a really nice chat while we ate - actually, that whole time was full of nice chats! We walked a little more, and then eventually Miranda had to catch a bus back to Hamilton. She looked so worried that she'd be leaving me to wander around on my own, but I assured her I'd be fine, and we parted ways.
I wandered around Queen Street for a while, knowing that there had to be an internet café around somewhere...I decided not to bother trying to find a payphone. I walked too far in one direction before asking someone where I might find one - and with their direction, backtracked and found it. I wasn't logged in for much longer than a minute before he messaged me with a big WHERE ARE YOUUU! I told him where I was, and to come get me, haha. I waited outside and gave him a giant hug when he got there.
Josh was pretty tired (and so was I, by then) so we went to a coffee shop that frequents. I didn't get anything though. He told me about Toronto, his favorite stores, his experiences throughout the time he's been there. We talked, and he shared some huge words with me - huge thoughts.
I'm glad he was there for that talk.
I missed him so much, but could have missed him so much more.
He told me about the boy he's fond of these days. The connection they share seems so lovely, so real. I'm so happy for him.
We stopped by his place, and I fixed myself up a bit. We wandered over to Paddy Murphy's and spent time outside for a while. Jeff wasn't even there yet! Haha. We went inside and sat at a booth, and Josh bought us drinks, mmm cranberry.
A little while later, Jeff got there, and we dancedancedanced. Oh, he gave me a FAMOUS PLAYER$ mix! I listened to that for so many days, hahaha. Mandy was there too! I don't even remember the last time I saw her pretty face before that, gosh. The Strokes didn't show up, surprise surprise haha. Someone had taken a poster off the wall and rolled it up, and just left it on one of the benches, so I took it, HAH! There were some pretty interesting characters there that night...definitely a different vibe from the last time I came out to see them, haha.
When we left, we stopped by a pizza place - I was SO hungry ahaha. I got a really amazing slice of cheese pizza...oh man, so good. Whatever they did different, they did really well, haha. As we continued along our trek back to his apartment, Josh mentioned how we were close to his favorite little store. He said we should go there sometime. As he approached the door I laughed; it was well past 1am! And then...ding!...he opened the door for me. It was seriously open, I was so stunned. And what a cute little shop! All kinds of jewelry, incense, carved goods...amazing. Next time I hope I have more money so I'm not terrified of being too broke to get back to Union Station on time, haha! We finally got back to his apartment, and quietly went to his room, heh...
The next morning, Josh told me he saw me shiver in my sleep. Bahaha. He walked me out, and gave me PERFECT directions back, haha! I decided to walk there, the weather was so amazing. Of course, I stopped off at McDonald's for a meatless Big Mac meal. A man remarked about how I must be vegetarian, and how that was an "interesting" order, heh. He was pretty nice though. I got to my bus in more than enough time, hooray!
The girl sitting behind me spent most of the ride on her phone, saying something about an audition she had coming up.
And bathing suits.
And former awkwardness, and future awkwardness, like it was nothing - really, nothing.
It really was nothing. No pretense, no charade.
That simply will not be me.
I got off the bus quite near my house, and took my time getting ready for the evening. Yep, I never stop, hahaha. After a few hours, I bathed, and then eventually did my hair and makeup and everything. Then I went to the Underground. I forget the whole lineup, but it doesn't matter - I was just going to see We're Marching On, I think they were playing second. UGH SO GOOD. I hadn't seen them since Murdered City! It was the one boy's birthday, fuck, I forget his name every time...regardless, his dark-haired bandmate's tangled-hood double-hoodie business bothered me senseless, and much hilarity ensued from that, heh.
Then...I said goodbye to them and ran off to the Casbah! Haha. Mayor McCa was playing his first show in Hamilton since his goodbye show, awww. Holyyy funny. Oh man, the way he sang One Million Songs For You...the instruments were basically recorded, and he kinda paced back and forth singing with it, swinging his arms like a little kid, behind himself and then in front of himself. It was so wonderful!
The next morning (May 8th...this really IS going to be a long entry...) I was up early for something, I just don't know what that was. Maybe one of those pre-audition-day rehearsals I arranged? Ah, well. I worked with Zach that evening, and had rehearsal of my own after work.
Apparently I didn't work the next morning, as I was originally scheduled...odd. That night I definitely attended my summer school class for the first time. I totally signed up for it at the last possible chance, haha. Talk about falling behind...more than usual. Ha. The following day (the 10th) I worked a morning shift, and then auditioned somebody. On my way home, I decided to stop in at a little clothing shop in Westdale...and tried on a CUTE black dress. I went home...and got my debit card and went back to buy it, heh. SO CUTE!
Danny came over that night to hangout. We smoked, I shared a whole bunch of music with him. I am bad with words and I was a jerk when he saw me to the bus, haha ugh. I went to Lisa's house, and we headed off to the Underground, as we both obtained free passes for that night's show one night, when we went to a show together at the Casbah sometime a week or two prior. Since it was free, we basically went to support Zach, and then planned to meet up with Ben at the Casbah, heh. I sat where Zach usually gets up on, hoping to prevent him from doing so - Lisa sat there with me. Well, he went for it near the end of their set, regardless...and cracked his head off of a light, effectively falling on top of us. Hilarious. He said something like "we're Cities In Dust, and we're never playing Hamilton again, goodnight." Haha, worst.
After their set, we headed down to the Casbah. HOLY CRAP, DRUMS AND TUBA. What ridiculous music, oh boy. I remember hanging out in the Lounge, too, but I don't remember what was happening in there that night. I may or may not have made a trip to Absinthe that night, too. In any case, I definitely didn't get home until like 3am. Fun night overall!
The next day (May 11th) I know I had night class, and I remember not being able to go buy my books (for night class) that day, for some reason. I pulled an all-nighter to clean my room that night...not just because I am a fool (ha) but it was getting really terribly gross. I mean, really. The following morning, I took a webcam shot of the dust pile I gathered. Gag-worthyyy. Dust and glitter and hair and...sand? Whatever it might have actually been, it doesn't matter. I'm pretty gross, basically.
...I guess that's what happens when you're busy being a rockstar, hahhh.
I handed in my 4A06 ("Honours Performance Project") proposal that day.
I was fine until I waited by the elevators to leave...
Then I started to feel nauseous, short of breath;
Then I realized, I just had to wait. There was nothing more I could do.
I went to the Casbah Lounge that night (the 12th) to see Trevor and Mike be DJs, heh. I had so many other places to go to, but I'm pretty sure I just stayed there all night. For once...haha.
And then sleeping in until the late afternoon the next day.
And sleeping through the storm that rocked the power supply on my computer.
SO MADDENING!
Thankfully, Leeann is a wonderful housemate, and she was with me the whole, frustrating way to getting it fixed! Awww. :) We ordered pizza together that night. I got to bed around 1am, in the hopes of getting myself back into a normal sleeping routine. It...almost worked, ha.
I worked on the 14th, also spending some time with Lisa and my dear friend karaoke, haha! That was pretty fun.
The next night was my audition date for the play I'm directing, IRIS (it stands for several words but psh, IRIS will suffice for this entry, haha). It was a slooow, looong night, phew. Considering not many people showed up, it went relatively well...even though that wasn't the last of the auditions I would see.
Sigh.
Anyway.
The following day (May 16th), I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the bus...I had to go way the hell out to the east end of the city for stupid x-rays for my orthodontist, and their west office machine apparently broke. I haven't had braces since BEFORE high school, god. If my next appointment isn't my final one, I'm going to be so unhappy...as great as he is, I mean...come on...anyway, that night, my night class ended early! Haha yay! I'm pretty sure I spent time with Lisa for a while that night, since class ended early and all. Good times.
The next day, my mother came to see me! She took me to the grocery store. :) After she left, I walked out to the lil' ol' salon to pay for the lil' ol' package deal I managed to score: a manicure, pedicure, and facial, scheduled for the end of the month. Best self-present EVER, haha. I had a meeting regarding IRIS, then a quick bank visit to arrange and change some things. I think that was the night I went to see Le Premier Jardin, really interesting concept to that play - Marisa probably doesn't even realize how stage-smart she is as a director! I apparently went to Snooty for a bit that night...I totally don't even remember who I went with, aaah. I remember feeling somewhat socially hesitant though, and talking to a few friends outside about how it was probably best that I leave. I remember that so vividly, and yet I don't think I really know why that happened, hm.
I had a group meeting before class the next night (May 18th), and then after class I went to Monica's house, for the cast party for Marisa's play. Oh man, what a ridiculously fun night. It was the perfect turnaround from that inexplicable antisocial mood the night prior. I remember keeping Monica from finishing her vodka (so...much...BOOZE in that girl, haha) and I remember laughing a lot, all night. :)
I woke up relatively late on the 19th, and worked that evening. That night, I went to the Casbah to FINALLY see the Wink Burlesque girls. The opening bands didn't really do much for me, I ended up spending a fair amount of time in the Lounge. They had Lucky Skull Accessories present with some of their merch set up, for sale, also selling tickets for a draw - a gift basket with a whole bunch of their stuff in it. I went up at one point and asked to buy a ticket. The girl asked if I wanted "just one," and I told her, "it just takes one to win." I'm so sly, haha.
The girls had a couple contests for free stuff they provided themselves, and I went up for a pick-up line contest. I think I got the best reaction, but I didn't win hahaha - for my pick-up line, I asked for a boy wearing pants, not shorts, to approach the stage. (I can't just SAY pick-up lines, I gotta use them, hahaaa.) When one finally did, I went "hey, so uh, are you from Japan?" He was white, so he obviously said no. And I went "well you should be...'cause ja pants would look REAL nice on my FLOOR..." OH MAN, heh, I didn't win but at least I made a bunch of people laugh!
It ended up being awesome, though...later they did the Lucky Skull Accessories draw, and I won! :D Cutest shit ever, oh man. There's a whole bunch of flowers of different sizes and varieties and colors, even a little butterfly, and a blue plaid bow. They all have a little skull bead right in the center. So badass, heh.
The burlesque show was super cute. So many boobies! Hahaha. Such fun.
The next day (May 20th) I only know that I had a long bath. I probably didn't accomplish much else...and I think I didn't go to a show I had been planning to attend because it was cancelled, as far as I can recall.
On May 21st, I worked all day, and then rushed home to eat before rehearsal. After rehearsal I definitely went to karaoke at Snooty again. Hahaha best. I got a lot of hooting and hollering when I sang - both following, and DURING my rendition of What's Up...good ol' 4 Non-Blondes, bahaha. I am awesome at life! Haha.
On the 22nd, I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything in the morning...let alone all day. I had rehearsal that night though. Afterward I decided to see if my friends were still having their Simpsons marathon. In, um...a classified location, cough...and they were! Me and Allan and Kyrsten ordered pizza together, best idea of life. We were there until sometime shortly after 11pm. Apparently they had started pretty early that day...ridiculous!
Apparently I didn't do anything on the 23rd, aside from attending class. That doesn't seem right...ah, well.
On May 24th I woke up relatively early and made another mall trip to get some final "necessities" (ahaha) for the trip my father and I had coming up in early June. I also got my hair cut, finally! I still adore it. :) That night I attended a surprise birthday party for Brandon in the Lounge. They ordered really good pizza, mmm. I stayed, and Dave was DJing. I think other people did too, I just don't really remember. I remember making an ass out of myself at one point, basically to one person. Argh. I went out to Absinthe for a while though...oh man, I ran into Ryan and Denis and Jackie and Wallis (Wallace?) and Bobby and so many other people! And I met a bunch of people! And more random kisses and ridiculous times in a parking lot in Westdale (I'm so sure they brought their friggin' beer, bahaha)...so much fun. And when I got home, I...mostly fixed my dumbass mistake from earlier in the night. I mean, I'm pretty sure I did. Phew, haha.
The next day (May 25th) I only really remember having to find my classroom, as our midterm was held in a different room from our classes - to prevent the probability of cheating, or whatever. That was annoying. I finished pretty early, and walked home...I was wearing such an adorable outfit that day: black polo-ish dress, with my pale pink angora sweater-turned-miniskirt over the skirt of the dress, with my kneehigh black tights that have pink ribbon laceups behind each knee, and my torn up old Chucks. I met a little golden retriver puppy going for a walk with his owner! He tried to bite the laces behind my knees, haha. Even more awesome, as I was about two blocks away from my house, a black cat began following me...and it had a pink ribbon instead of a collar. HELLO OUTFIT SOULMATES! Haha, so cute. Followed me all the way home - and dashed into my house when I opened the front door, haha! Coaxing it back outside was tricky, but it worked finally. Sososo cute.
That night I met up with Joel downtown, and he came to the Pepper Jack Café with me, to see Joe and Ben's band, Ovenbird. They recently changed the name to the actual spelling of both words, instead of their (now former) variation of Uvenburd. Their music is evolving! And they acquired more band members, who joined them for their last few songs! Oh man, the Water Song made me even happier when I knew it was coming, haha. Great show all around. Sucks that I missed Duncan perform. Ah, well.
That reminds me - sometime before that show...a week, maybe a few weeks?...I saw him perform, and it was funny. What was that part of? It was in the Lounge, I just definitely can't remember when. Goddamn...
The next day (May 26th) I went to the Underground...Ermine was solid and loud and wonderful, and Hoosier Poet was perfect and made me deaf. I definitely should've made note of the whole lineup, but I didn't, and I've since forgetten. Sigh.
On the 27th I definitely received a visit from Amelia! We made a trip to Lime Ridge, followed by a meatless Big Mac meal run after that. We did some cavorting around downtown Hamilton, and then stumbled upon a really worthwhile shoe sale, I think it was like, buy one pair, get the second pair half price. Rather than splitting the deal between us, we both got two pairs of shoes haha. Amelia got really tall wedges, and another high pair with giant jeweled buckles across the wide part of each strap. I really liked those ones - I wish they would've had another pair that fit me properly, haha! I got a pair of low heels, they're really classy looking...but oh man, the other pair I got are now the sexiest shoes I own, good lordy. Later that night, we put on our favorite pairs of our newly acquired shoes, and left.
We went to a show at the Casbah. Charlemagne opened, they played really well! After their set, Amelia and I went down to the Lounge for wine - her, white; me, as per usual, red. I don't know why it hit me as hard as it did, but by golly was I ever warm, haha. We went back upstairs to see The Rest, and they were better than the last time I saw them, so good. Amelia bought pins from them, and gave me one. :)
We went back down to the Lounge, and by then, the games night they had planned was in full-out competition mode! I asked if I could have a Tetris competition, and Beth (who was in charge, while her boy - and my friend! - Ryan was DJing) obliged. I totally won, by SO many points, hahaha...I won a $20 gift certificate for Dr. Disc! So awesome. We went back upstairs to see the Melingrove Band play, and I think that was the first time I had seen them since Murdered City...like when I saw We're Marching On earlier in the month. Man! I happy-heckled them, and the drummer totally played off it, hahaha. So fun.
We wandered down to the Lounge for a bit, and then, when we went back upstairs to wait for The Most Serene Republic to play, she and I pulled up chairs, haha. :D Impractical shoes most definitely led to sore feet - not to mention, we had just had a really long day, oh boy. Such pretty music.
We crossed paths with two adolescents that night, who were dressed kinda silly, thug-like, and they asked us if we were going to a party. I tried so hard not to laugh, and almost failed, hahaha. Oh man. We picked up slices of pizza, and came back here, where I shared a bunch of ridiculous internet videos, haha...best. We didn't decide to go to bed until pretty late, and then I stayed up a little bit later at that, heh. That wasn't the greatest idea...
The next day (28th) I had to work - ALL DAY - and Amelia dropped me off, and left Hamilton. I most likely had rehearsal that night, and then Lisa and I definitely went to karaoke that night. So much funnn aaah. Haha. :)
The next day (May 29th) I don't recall doing anything significant throughout the day, but I definitely had rehearsal in the evening.
On the 30th, I worked in the morning, and then came home and had a long cold bath - sooo hottt that day - effectively skipping my night class. After my bath, I got all ready to go, and then took the GO bus out to see Paul again. I listened to my music at random, and so many songs that I came on throughout the ride matched what I was doing or thinking about, so closely...so bizarre. I remember looking up at the setting sun and hearing a Sunset Rubdown lyric that matched the moment exactly. It felt so surreal.
When I got to Union Station, I called Paul's cell...and left a message, and waited. Some creepy guy was too eager to talk to me, so that was kinda weird. Haha. It started to kinda bug me too much for my liking, at one point, so I called Paul again - and he answered, he was only like half a block away, phewww. We sat on the steps of a building not too far away from the station and shared a cigarette. He looked at the last song to come up in my playlist, and joked about it - Iggy Pop, The Passenger - and how it was hilariously suitable, considering I just got off the bus, haha.
We took the subway to his place, and he definitely decided to get on at the wrong place, haha...basically we were just on it longer than we had to be. Blah blah blah, travel travel, we arrived. I like the train tracks we, uh, didn't cross to get to his place, they seem like they'd be fun to explore. Paul's loft is so cute! I finally saw that ridiculous duck toy he had told me about/got stuck in my head...damn catchy song, haha. His drawings that he stencilled onto his kitchen cupboards were too amazing, ahaha. We watched a few episodes of Wonder Showzen and oh man, how I laughed (and occasionally groaned) at that friggin' show. We flipped through his book of Slavic (specifically Russian I think?) prison tattoos - incredible - and he showed me a book about black metal, too, the stuff he told me about was crazy. We definitely didn't get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, hah.
We woke up fairly early, at that, as he had to work and I had an appointment to attend. He called me a cab - there was no way in hell I'd find my way back via public transit, ahaha, oh man. The cab ride cost me all of $18.75...I gave the guy a $20 and hopped out. He looked so surprised that I didn't wait for change! When I got home I messaged Paul and told him the cab ride was much more expensive than we were thinking it might be. Then I admitted that it was actually far cheaper, haha. I'm a jerk.
That day (31st) I had my appointment for the manicure/pedicure/facial that I paid for a few weeks prior...OH MAN, so good. I fell asleep during the facial, haha. I felt so, so, SO fucking sexy after it. I sat around for a while, not really knowing what to make of how sexy I felt, haha! I took off a lot of clothes and lounged around for a while. Then I got ready and went to the Casbah Lounge for Eclectricity night, that was fun. I forget the whole lineup, but Josephine Foster headlined, and...holy crap. That harp, and the way she strums her guitar, and all of it...so overwhelmingly beautiful, my god. I ended up catching a cab back home with Andy and Dave and Steve, and Andy contributed far too much money for the fare! I joined Dave and Steve on a trip to the grocery store (good ol' 24-hour service, haha) and then to Steve's place for a while. They're such fun boys, I'm really glad I know them. As I walked home, I definitely heard the birds chirping, ahaha.
OH MAN, THAT'S MAY...
So I just went for a short walk, just to take a little break, of sorts.
To Second Cup.
Where I bought a beverage.
A caffeinated beverage. Of course.
An "icepresso." (Man, did I ever feel like a dick ordering that. Stop giving your products names that make customers sound like dicks for ordering, corporations...)
A large one, in fact.
...Oh boy.
June time!
On the 1st, I met another person who wanted to audition for IRIS, and then had a meeting regarding the production. In that meeting, I finalized my cast. Well, as it would turn out...I mostly finalized my cast. Sigh. New experience, new process, definitely learning...
After class that night, I basically stayed up all night getting ready. My dad said he'd come bright and early to pick me up. I called home about half an hour after his planned arrival time, to maybe see if my younger brother was home, and find out if something was up. MY DAD picked up...so I got crabby with him, haha. So he was like, an hour and a half late, when usually he's even a bit early. Anyway, he picked me up, and we loaded my stuff into his truck - and then we were off for Massachusetts! :)
I basically put music into my ears and slept most of the way there. The official at the border was so perfect-looking...but so cold, it was really sad actually. Such amazing sights along the way though, my goodness.
We made a brief stop in...Buffalo, I think it was...'cause my dad wanted to visit a market there. We saw a very scary looking unkempt woman; as we passed by her, I said "you know...I could've lived my whole life without seeing that woman." My dad laughed, and then somehow attached it to a comment about the state of the hems of my pant legs. Oh, that's my good ol' dad, alright...haha. We met a Polish woman running one of the food service places inside. She made me a toasted bagel with swiss cheese, so tasty. They had bread for sale there from HAMILTON, so ridiculous. She was nice. She also said Canada like it was meant to have breaths between each syllable, haha...oh, Americans...so cute sometimes. :D
Every time I woke up along the trip, I'd just go right back to sleep, I was so tired. My dad scolded me the one time I woke up, apparently my music was so loud HE could hear it clearly, haha...oops. When we weren't too far away from our destination, it began to POUR...and wouldn't it just be our luck that the rain continued all weekend.
...Even more awesomely, I had packed for the type of weather we had been having back home at the time: hot, sunny, sticky. I didn't pack a jacket - let alone a cardigan. Oh boy...
Anyway, as the rain began to pour, we found ourselves stuck on a highway in pretty bad traffic. Apparently, that was the perfect time for me to have to use the washroom. I had to wait close to 45 minutes before we could find an exit...UGH. That was so painful. By the time I finally got to a toilet, I went so much, and felt so relieved, that I just about moaned the loudest I ever have in my life - except I knew that a woman was in there with two very young relatives, so I bit my lip...and that hurt, haha.
Not long after that, we stopped at a grocery store to pick up a bouquet. Then, we arrived at my godmother's house! Had this trip taken place in August, it would've been exactly TEN years since I had seen her last...so strange to think about.
Her house was very different. They had renovated a fair bit, and had an addition built onto it as well! It's so spacious and gorgeous now, my goodness. Liz's parents are so wonderful and caring...her mother fussed over me all weekend, gosh. When they learned that I'm vegetarian now, her mother was so concerned that I wouldn't have enough to eat...but fresh breads, cream cheese, and deli cheese was more than abundant for this happy lil' tummy. :) Even when she forgot, a few days later, offering me bacon...we laughed as I reminded her. And then she offered me more, more, more food. Haha.
That night, we essentially talked for a while - but mostly, I listened, as the conversations turned to Polish and stayed there. Aside from catching little bits of their conversations, I didn't really follow what everyone was talking about...especially as I drifted in and out of paying attention, anyway. It was nice though. I didn't exactly feel left out, at all. It was really nice.
The next day, I woke up feeling kinda sick...the house was a little colder than what I'm accustomed to. :S We went to Liz's brother Jan's house that day. On the way, my godmother showed us a whole bunch of giant, terribly expensive houses. We got to Jan's house, and when he saw me, his first reaction was "wow, you look really different...cool!" I wasn't expecting that at all, haha. Mara's so big! And Thomas is so energetic! It was great, we wandered around their house a little...I remembered so much from the lobster bake they had there, ten years ago. They even have the same carved, changeable calendar hanging on the wall in the kitchen, ahaha. We went outside and walked around the property a bit. I pocketed an acorn, heh.
It was decided that we'd all go out for lunch together, so we went to a restaurant...holy big portions, aghhh. Very tasty food though. Mara was sick, and was fine up until then, but she lost her appetite shortly after she began eating, and apparently got sick when she got back home that day, poor girl. Thomas was really hyper, it was awesome, haha. He was like, my Michael replacement for the trip, ha! When he decided he had his fill of his lunch, he slid out of his chair and was just generally being energetic and adorable and funny. At one point, his mom, Cindy, went "hey Thomas, shake your booty!" and he wiggled his butt shamelessly, ahaha.
Later that day, Jan drove me, my dad, and my godmother around to show us more expensive houses - he recently quit his airplane job (hee) and got into Real Estate. My god, some of the neighborhoods we saw...ALL giant houses, ALL ridiculously expensive. Really, I think the highlight of the drive for me - with Jan's tracking system/direction-providing technology coming in at a close second (especially since it kept not working) - was Crazy coming on a radio station as he flipped through, haha. :P
We went to another restaurant for dinner that night...again, the portions were so overwhelming! So much food, so little room for it in my belly, hah.
Anyway, on the Sunday (June 4th) of our trip, we had planned to attend Liz's niece Elizabeth's high school graduation. We went to their house where everyone gathered to eat preceding the ceremony...Mike and Ted have totally grown, it's strange. I say that like they're so much younger than me...I'm only a year older, har. They're identical twins but I could definitely tell the difference between them this time...ten years after last seeing them, haha. Elizabeth is so beautiful! And Clare is totally grown - and totally didn't remember me, 'cause she was like, a toddler when I last saw her, hahaha. It was great seeing them all again. Ted constantly referring to Canadian things, and sorta gesturing toward me, was hilarious.
Oh, and Thomas climbed underneath some sort of game table they have in the house somewhere, and his pants were covered in dust and grossness, so his pants had to be thrown in the wash. He definitely came into the room where we were all sitting, watching a baseball game...without pants on. So funny. One of the twins told him to moonwalk, and everyone laughed. I thought, oh man...and I went "hey Thomas, shake your booty!" and he shook his little underwear covered bum without thinking twice. Everyone howled! :D
We all had cake, and then shortly after that, a bunch of pictures were taken. We did a big group picture...I hope my godmother can get a copy and mail it to me, it'll be awesome if I can dig up a picture from the visit ten years ago, too, just to see how different everyone looks. Even though it'll surely creep me out, haha.
Then, we headed out to Elizabeth's high school. She attended a private high school, which was an old estate that was transformed into a school, with additional buildings built throughout the property from there. It was overwhelming. I can't even imagine that being a home at one point...let alone a school. I swear, it compared in size to probably a smaller city block, here. Gosh. Oh, and I helped keep Thomas mostly quiet and well-mannered during the ceremony. Mostly, haha. He's so young, he can't help but go crazy - I wish I had his excuse, hahaha.
After, as we all headed back to the vehicles, we said our goodbyes - my dad and I would be leaving for home early the next morning, after all. Cindy commented on how I made a real friend out of Thomas - and said "so, we'll be sending him to visit for a week in August?" I was like "ABSOLUTELY, do it!" Hahaha.
That night, we went to yet another restaurant for dinner...and yet again, I couldn't believe the portions. I had a salad and a personal pizza, and I was almost full after the salad, haha, oh man.
Note to the USA: portion control?
Seriously, I thought I was bad sometimes...hahaha. :P
The next morning, I wasn't awake early enough to see my godmother before she had to leave for work...pooh. My dad was talking with her parents at the kitchen table, though, so I joined and had my last fresh bread and fresh cheese breakfast, aw.
As we got ready to get in the truck and go, Liz's mother said something to my father in Polish. Slowly, his face grew more solemn.
And as she continued to speak to him, I watched as he fought tears.
Not in all of my twenty-one years can I recall seeing that.
Not once.
I don't need to know what she said to him.
I don't need to know how huge it was, how important the words were.
I could see it.
All I needed to know was what I saw.
All around me, tears on cheeks. Tears that fought harder to roll, and succeeded.
She turned to me to say goodbye, and said how glad she was to see me - to remember her, to come back to visit, to come back as soon as I could, as often as I could. Reasons unspoken, but reasons that spoke louder than words needed to speak.
I fought my tears harder, and most never met my cheeks.
I smiled, instead.
I waved out of the window as she and her husband stood at the end of the driveway, waving back. We drove down their road, and as we began to turn the corner, I looked back and waved again - they were still watching. They waved again.
These memories, these images.
I remember reflecting upon the visit, recalling my godmother's situation - all these years, living with her parents...having an established career, lots of money, taking lots of trips all around the world. Thinking about how happy she genuinely seems with where her life is, and has taken her.
I remember realizing - really recognizing - I do not want her life. She is happy, she is comfortable...but I couldn't be. I simply couldn't be.
I love everything I learned on this trip.
On the way back, my father and I stopped at the Duty Free. As I perused the numerous makeup shelves, he urged me to "hurry up" - alright dad, no makeup for me, I get it, hahaha. He picked up a few big ol' bottles of alcohol...I made a brief, indirect attempt to pick a bottle of my own, but I gave up when he didn't get the hint that I wanted it, haha. Near the checkout, I snapped into candy mode (of course...it's ME...heh) and asked if I could get "this chocolate bar; it's only three dollars!" He said yes. Ohhh man...it's a bar of milk chocolate, which is fine...with almonds, even better...and there is HALF A POUND OF IT. IN ONE BAR.
...OHHH MAN. Ahaha.
Anyway, when we got back to my house, I learned that the internet was down, and after many calls made, and many frustrated tears shed, that it was down because a bill hadn't been paid. Not that it hadn't been paid on time - it hadn't been paid. At all. Long story short, everything is cleared up now. More fees than necessary have been paid, but above all, everything's fixed now. Ugh. So frustrating!
I don't recall what I did the next day (June 6th), but I know it definitely wasn't much of anything, haha. I think I started to feel really sick that day too, most likely.
On June 7th, I worked during the evening. I still felt sick, but I found out that Chris Yang was playing in the Lounge, so I decided that I'd go and stay until I felt too sick to be there any longer. I was fine for most of the night, and his set was lovely. I also spent the night hanging out with Caitlin! We hadn't properly hung out in so long, so good to spend time with her. On my walk home, of course I had to be harassed...ugh. Fucking city...
The next day (8th) I had a meeting, and I felt sick again. I struggled through it though, especially considering the trip put me slightly behind, in terms of e-mail correspondence and whatnot. After my class that night, I stopped by the Pita Pit for a while. Christine works there, and had let me borrow her notes to catch up on classes I had missed...and uh, not skipped to hangout with people in Toronto, ahem. Haha. So, I decided to copy them out there, and leave her book there for her to pick up, rather than making an extra trip to drop it off sometime. That really worked out well, too. I drank some Neocitran that night...and it totally didn't knock me out like it usually does. I didn't even get to sleep until sometime after 3am, argh.
On the 9th, I was still kinda sick, but mostly alright. I wasn't able to meet with someone...who I was auditioning for IRIS, actually...but I had to audition her sometime before my next meeting with the Project Co-ordinator, so we agreed to meet quickly before my rehearsal Sunday night. I worked from 3 until 9pm, and I had to forego Laura's birthday celebrations at the Phoenix. I felt like I was going to pass out when I got home, egh.
The next day I worked...all day...and then spent several hours being a dork on the internet, messaging people and whatnot, haha. I also spent a lot of time watching silly videos, hoping that the laughter might somehow positively affect my health. It...didn't really work, hah, crap.
It was weird, though - the more I worked that weekend, the more I kept thinking about the class I had applied for. I still hadn't heard back about whether or not I had been accepted into the class. There was a strange discrepancy in how people were being informed...and then I just hadn't heard anything. Not a single thing. And then I couldn't sleep. All I could do was wonder. Not sleeping, in addition to being sick, and worrying...terrible, just terrible.
On the 11th, I woke up...and the medicines I consumed the night prior, in conjunction with the caffeine I consumed that morning, resulted in a pretty puke-filled morning. I would puke, brush my teeth, continue getting ready for the day, and the cycle would repeat - puke, brush, ready, puke...it was terrible. I managed to gather myself enough to go to work, and made it through the shift.
Then basically, the day kept getting worse.
I couldn't get in contact with the girl whom I was to audition. I was late for rehearsal, just waiting to hear back from her. Frustrating phone calls. Travel. More frustrating phone calls. Relocation of my rehearsal. She arrives. I step aside with her and begin the audition. Frustration. Miscommunication. Trying to rush...not going fast enough, regardless. More frustration. Awkwardness, uncomfortable attendance. Hesitation. Reservation. Relief, and departure.
I dropped my things off at home, straightened myself out a bit (unfortunately, frustration was met with a fair amount of tears that day...sigh) and headed over to Snooty for karaoke - which of course, never fails to cheer me up when things look down, hee. Dan seriously asked me if I had been drinking, as I was only drinking water and he just couldn't figure out why I was so energetic. I explained just generally how the day was so disheartening in so many ways, and I was just taking some time to ignore it all and try and be happy.
Lots of people told me I was cute, and it made me even more giggly. It felt so great, honestly. Matt was there for a while, and I mentioned how my day had bombed terribly. He took me "to his office" - outside, for a smoke, haha, to ask me about what had happened. I explained everything...and when I mentioned that I had been sobbing, he actually pointed out that I had a big eye makeup streak across the top of my left cheek...sigh.
I wonder how many people saw that.
I wonder if anyone figured it out.
I sang some songs, and eventually wandered along home.
I came home to a disconcerting message.
I explained myself, how I needed to fix the day by just being a bit reckless and ignoring everything that made me sad...to just spend time among that and those which makes me smile. I apologized for all the ways in which I let others pull me, and how that day had frustrated me so much that I simply wouldn't let it continue any longer. I explained everything that was on my mind...even how I had been broke for a fair amount of days, and how I didn't even really have much food left in my house, yet couldn't afford to fix that. How I was embarrassed to admit it, and still didn't want to, but had to. So tricky, so scary.
In any case, I woke up the next morning (June 12th) to a beautiful response. My heart felt lighter. I also felt entirely healthy again that day! I had my first meeting with the cast of IRIS that afternoon, followed shortly thereafter by a rehearsal of my own. That night, I went to visit Lisa, and we were silly and spirited, sharing so many laughs - and fruit that Leeann's parents had put on my shelf in the fridge! Share a kind gesture in a kind way, I say. :) I felt so happy when I got home that night, and eventually went to bed.
...Then I woke up on the 13th, sicker than ever.
I called in to work and said I'd be getting to a doctor as soon as I could that day, and basically tried to see if I'd be able to get out of work the next day. Thankfully, I did.
Thankfully, Lauren saw my plea for a ride to a doctor in my msn name. She came over, picked me up, and drove me to the walk-in clinic in Westdale. The doctor did a test for strep throat, and I explained how I felt just like I did back in November when I fell ill - and how both times I went in and was tested for strep, it came back negative.
So, she came back in the room a short while later, and told me the test was positive. And I felt like a jackass, hahaha. :P
I didn't remember to bring my debit card with me, so Lauren drove me back to my place, I ran in and got it, and we drove back so I could go to the pharmacy next door to the clinic. Stacey passed by, and I responded to her "hey, how's it going?" with a big ol' "I have strep throat, woooooooooooooo!" while waving my prescription in the air. And I didn't stop to really talk, only realizing after what a jerk I must've been, gosh. The next time I saw her, I definitely apologized, and she said it was no big deal, but it still bugs me, grah. Ah, well.
Anyway, I paid for my prescription with my card...all $2.73 of it. Yep. When I told Lauren how we made all that extra effort for TWO DOLLARS and SEVENTY-THREE CENTS, she said had we known, my penicillin would've been "her treat," hahaha. I owe that lady for that whole thing, honestly. So nice of her.
I came home and started to feel really dizzy and nauseous again. I called work to explain what the doctor told me - I'd be contagious for one whole week, and I asked if I could get out of my Friday shift as well. That was also alright - I am so lucky - and I was to call in before my Sunday shift if I wasn't okay by then to do it. I also contacted Lisa, since we had shared food and everything the night before...thankfully she didn't catch it at all, at any point, phewww. I was so scared that she might've caught it. I put on a Sex & The City webstream and passed out for a long time. And then woke up 'cause the ibuprofen wore off, and I had to take more penicillin anyway...and passed out some more. That was basically my routine for the next couple of days, haha.
The next day my mom came to visit around lunch, as I was basically grouching in bed. She helped me get out of bed and compose myself, and we went to the grocery store...it was a short trip, that's for sure, haha. She bought me a big box of freezies, that made me smile a whole lot. :) I came home and passed out some more...after eating a couple freezies, of course, haha. I remember waking up early that evening and thinking about how I was missing Eclectricity, and how I couldn't go support Zach at his CD release show. Baw.
The next day, too, I missed shows at the Underground and Casbah. No double-shows for the strep throat monster, that's for sure, haha...aw...
Most of my strep throat experience is pretty hazy, actually. I remember how sleeping all day would keep me awake at night for a while, and how being awake at night would gradually make me more and more nauseous the longer I couldn't sleep. That was painful. I remember finishing the take-home final exam for my summer school course, and doing it so, so, SO poorly, just so it could be done and forgotten...I left a message for my professor the day before the final due date, explaining that I was sick and afraid I wouldn't complete it, let alone complete it well. When I got home that day, after handing it in...she called. I explained, I just did it to finish it, and it was already submitted. She said, genuinely, that she'd take my illness into consideration when marking it. I hope that helps a fair bit...egh.
On a less crappy note (haha), I remember a conversation with Paul which resulted in referencing a "mexigull" which almost caused the spitting of a be-healthy-smoothie everywhere, ahaha. I also remember feeling significantly less snot-filled by Saturday (June 17th) - and how much of a relief that was!
By the 18th, I still had to take the penicillin of course, but I started to feel much better! I had a conversation with Josh...much to my surprise, I wasn't angry. I hadn't spoken to him in months, so many months. He said he'd be at the show that night, and I said I might come if I was still feeling well enough. Thankfully, the conversation was nice, and stayed nice - no leaving on sour notes. It was odd, but it was a welcome change.
I didn't have to call-in asking for the shift off, thankfully...money is good to make and have. Heather and I were treated to a live in-store music performance, ohhh what a day. I'm going to miss working with her, gosh. It's always so much fun, so full of giggles!
That night, I had rehearsal, and after rehearsal I went to a show at the Casbah. I missed Cowlick, arghhh. I got there during Tell The Divers' set, and they're just as lovely and solid as ever. I like their newer songs a lot! Oh man, Kitchens And Bathrooms finally re-banded and I finally got to see them perform!!! It was really good, really really good. And then Don Caballero played...and I nearly lost my shit. Their music wraps around you - you can't help but find yourself in it, but you don't want to step out of it if you're really listening. It's amazing. I'm glad I didn't get to know much of their music before the show, slight familiarity coupled with the surprise attached to my amazement of their sounds created the perfect experience. :)
Furthermore, at the show, I hugged Josh for the first time since...god, late August of 2004? Early September? Regardless, it was nice. It finally felt okay to do so. It felt okay to not want to let go...just for an extra moment or two, that's all.
We talked in the Lounge for a while. He said many things - how he has grown, how he has changed, how he has reflected and realized and regretted.
Two years.
Two years, and this heart heard many things it deserved to receive.
And yet...
So much still has not changed.
But that's okay, because this time my eyes are open. I'm not afraid to look, and I know what I see, and know that I'm no longer mistaken.
Don Cab was about to start, but I suggested that we shouldn't leave the conversation at that. I suggested hanging out after the show. He mentioned work, waking up early, all these things. Only after the show was over did he decide that, yes, it was a good idea - a worthwhile idea.
And it was.
We walked home in the rain, and I borrowed his hat. I got completely soaked, head to toe...save for my back, somehow? Hahaha. We got back and I changed. We talked, and talked, and talked.
And I revisited places that only a changed girl could visit.
He ended up calling in sick for work, and catching a bus back sometime that morning.
...And my heart can see for certain -
Despite his words, despite it all...
He hasn't changed.
He hasn't changed a bit.
And now, whether or not he would even admit to it again - to anyone else, or even to me once more - I was ready to give him something so special, so huge...
And he fucked it up.
This isn't resentment, it's realization.
He wasn't ready for something that real.
He ruined what could have been something so untouchable.
He stole so much of my trust, but after two years, I realized -
He tried to take my heart, but he failed -
I still have it.
His is lost, and he doesn't realize...so long as he doesn't truly change, he'll never find it again. Whether he thinks he needs it or not, he does. He does. And one day, maybe that will actually hit him.
It's so sad to know that after two years, his heart is still the same.
It doesn't matter.
I'm glad I can talk to him again, without resentment.
I'll pray for him. I mean that.
I am so thankful I can speak to him with a settled heart.
The next night (June 19th), I had rehearsal. I felt like it went really well, despite how exhausted I was from lack of sleep. This character - and play, overall - just keeps getting more and more fun to be tackling. :) That night I joined a group of people celebrating (my castmate) Magali's birthday! I totally ate battered, cheese-stuffed olives served in a martini glass. I felt so...oddly swank, hahaha.
On the 20th, I had an IRIS meeting - the cast (well, most of us) gathered to watch the recording of last year's production, to give everyone an idea of what kind of production this will be. Ideas are already flowing among all of us; good connections are being drawn. This feels promising!
I went to a Summer Drama Festival meeting that night. I gotta work on not being so talkative unless I'm actually contributing ideas or whatever, hahaha. I've always gotta be the comedian, apparently. :P I can't help it, I'm an actor, I like attention! Haha. Lisa came over that night, and we smoked and chatted and shared so many stories...what a great night, so full of chatting!
On the 21st, I worked in the evening. I had planned to go to the Hub for karaoke with Mike, but I had also planned to go to Absinthe for Motown night with Lisa, and realized how much travelling would be involved...Lisa had a big annoyance bubble over, at that, so I decided it was best to forego karaoke that night. I went to her place, and we chatted, she vented...and then we went to Absinthe and had SOOO much fun! I met a lot of people, too. Such a random, incredibly fun night. :)
The next day (June 22nd), I talked to my Sam on the phone for a fair while! :D I miss that lady so badly it's actually started to hurt my heart, as of late. Aw. We're totally gonna hangout soon though, I'm so happy!!!
I had a meeting for IRIS that afternoon, and then our cast's first Campus Partners meeting. Everything's going really rather smoothly, I'm so pleased with it. I had a rehearsal of my own late that night. I joined Miranda, Sophie, and Magali for dinner preceding the rehearsal. That night was devoted to cast-building activities, and a question-and-answer exercise. It felt really awesome to get to know everyone in the cast that well. We finished really late, egh...Allan walked me home, and we had a really good chat on the sidewalk, haha. Then I couldn't sleep for quite a while, so harsh, gah...
On the 23rd, we had rehearsal from 11-3...and having had so much trouble falling asleep that night, and waking up feeling stressed that day, well...I broke down during rehearsal. I tried to maintain my composure, for so long, but I cracked. I felt really bad - everything stopped, because of me. We did line runs though, and it's helping me move past my frustration. This is such a tricky script to memorize...I'm used to associating line memorization to the way that one learns the words of a song - and then, with this script, especially, there is so much dialogue attached to action, it's that sort of play that's easier to memorize by DOING, not by THINKING. I don't know. I feel like I'm dropping the ball, but the ways I'm trying to learn, and to change...it's not working well enough. Or fast enough, I suppose. I'm trying, though. I'm not going to stop striving toward this.
...It is so amazing, after all. :)
I was pretty upset when I got home, and I was just going to nap to ignore how frustrated I felt. Lisa talked me into visiting her at work, though...so I went to see her at Aardvark, and then I joined her at her other job - she is the bartender at Yuk Yuk's, on the mountain - and then we even ended up at the Casbah for a bit that night...and as we parted ways, I actually ended up on campus, at the Phoenix, for Laura's goodnight (NOT goodbye!) gathering! She was so drunk, haha. Love that lady. I even stopped in at the Pita Pit on my way home, to say hi to anyone that was working that I knew...which I totally would've felt too antisocial to do, had it been any earlier that day. It was such a cheerful ending to such a trying day. I needed to be cheered up - and I'm glad Lisa talked me out of staying at home to mope. :)
On the 24th, I woke up very late, and eventually jumped in the tub for a long, slow bath. So nice. Carly came to visit that afternoon, and I FINALLY bought that shirt from her! Sososo adorable. I wore it out that night - I went to the Underground.
Charlemagne opened, and even though not many people had arrived yet, I thought they performed really well. Ben and I stepped outside and smoked a bit together; we had some hilarious chats, oh man ahaha. We came back inside to watch Jon Epworth and The Improvements - HOLY CRAP. I think the last time I saw them was when I FIRST ever saw them, last summer...the world could've ended after Extra Fries and I would've been okay, my gosh. I think Lisa was there by that point. She and Ben and I stepped outside, smoked some more, more laughter ensued. We came back inside to see the Sourkeys perform. It's been a while since I've seen them perform, too, gosh...I was very glad to hear Sick Since Sunday, oh man. The Inflation Kills ended off the night, and they were so solid, jeesh. I'm never disappointed by that band.
When I walked home that night, I definitely buttoned up my cardigan...the shirt is pretty cleavagey, and I don't need to draw any more attention to myself when I walk home alone. I STILL got harassed a whole bunch of times though. Jesus. I stopped by the Lounge, as it was en route, basically to say hello to anyone that was still around. From the Underground to the Casbah, I was harassed not once, but twice...by the same fucking guy in a car. Ugh. Then, on my walk home from the Lounge, as I was walking along the bridge, some guy in a car speeding past yelled out "heyyy, do you give blowjobs?" I mean, really...
If a girl is walking home alone, LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE. Is it that hard?
Anyway, I worked the next day (this Sunday - June 25th) and had a rehearsal that night. Then, of course, I went to karaoke at Snooty. That was fun - I got to really talk to Miranda for the first time since our adventure during my Toronto weekend in early May! Such a nice lady. Rachel and I walked home together, and sat and chatted on my front step for a while, it was a really good talk. Such a great night, on whole!
On the 26th, I basically spent the day getting everything in order for my brief trip home that night. My dad came and got me sometime after 10pm; we made a quick stop at a Tim Horton's along the way...and then their cash registers all magically closed. That wasn't much fun. We finally got home around a quarter after 11 or so. I called Scott, and he was still awake, despite having to be up before dawn for work, egh. I called Amelia too, but I just heard some sort of murmur, and then the connection was no more, haha. It was pretty late, though, I didn't take it personally! Haha.
The next morning, Matthew woke me up, and I copied his choice of cereal for breakfast - we watched Breakfast Television together and I cracked jokes. We always have so much fun together now, hahaha I love it. He drove me to my dental appointment - 9am...good times. Not really, but yeah. Haha. My dentist has fallen ill, from what I understand, so there was another dentist filling in for him. After my teeth had been cleaned and everything, he just looked them over, really, anyway.
I called Matthew to pick me up, and we went to visit Michael and Diana! MICHAEL'S GETTING SO BIG! And Diana actually grew less and less hesitant of me! Oh gosh, visiting them really rejuvenated me.
I get homesick for those two, what can I say. Hee. :)
We went back to the house so I could gather up my things, and then Matthew drove me to Brantford so I could take Greyhound back to Hamilton (less driving for him). I made him stop at Fast Eddie's, haha. I got pickle fries and a drink, and got him a double chocolate crumble milkshake - which I demanded a sip of, haha. Of course.
I stayed on the bus and got off at the campus stop, rather than going home first. I had rehearsal from 3-4pm with just Allan, and hoooly crap, great progress. Our one scene alone together feels so different - and it was good before, but it's GREAT now! Haha yay. :)
I attended another SDF meeting that day, once again at 5pm. I was too talkative, again, of course. Haha. I headed out to Lisa's place that night, and joined her in meeting some of her coworkers at the Corktown. That was actually my first visit there, it looks like it'd be really fun for shows. We headed over to La Luna, as there were many hungry bellies among the group. That was also my first visit to La Luna...oh man, so good. I had a falafel - and I definitely enjoyed it. I'll have to try to get them more often, maybe before shows at the Casbah sometime, haha.
I stopped by the Lounge to see who I knew, and Stacey and Kevyn were outside - I said hello, and continued along inside...and saw no one else I knew. I
Seriously, I'm so fucking rockstar I forget to update this. I've put it off so, so, so many times.
Seriously.
In the time that has passed, school and As You Like It have ended. And pretty much since then, I've been out far too often.
Recap:
I had auditions for SDF on the night of March 23rd - for the three of the five (total) that I still hadn't tried out for.
That Friday (24th) brought early morning work, and then...well I did something in the Student Centre, so says my calendar. All that's left is a room and a time. No memory. Ha.
The 25th marked an all day rehearsal for As You Like It...hoo, boy.
Sunday (26th) brought about a shift with Julia - and a missed rehearsal! Yikes. Too many places to be at once...also matched by an all-nighter, frantically trying to complete assignments due the next day. I'm a student? What?
That night, though, was amazing and terrifying all at once. I received callback auditions for two plays...and they both wanted me to play lead roles. AND THEN THEY MADE ME PICK BETWEEN THEM, AAAH. For the rest of my life, I will be grateful that both were considering me so strongly. And to those that doubted me, when I began doubting myself around this time last year...there you go.
There you go.
I actually panicked so badly that I had to call Kohli, hahaha. It was the best idea, though, as she gave me the advice that I truly needed to hear.
I owe that woman for so much, so much...
I picked Miranda + Kyrsten's play, George F. Walker's Criminals In Love, in the role of Wineva. Ohhh I'm excited. :D
That Monday (27th) marked one of my last big assignments due - goodbye stress; good riddance! That night I had another As You Like It rehearsal...so longgg, oh man.
On the 28th, I worked all morning, and rehearsed all evening. Ah, acting.
That Wednesday was opening night, the first of four days in a row of shows every night - and one Saturday matinee. I picked up a book from the library that I reserved, for an essay that I got an extension on (my last assignment for that class). I missed Matty's birthday celebrations that night because I am a jerk.
Work work work, show show show. For the Friday night + Saturday matinee shows, I played my understudy role - a very barely dressed goddess, hah. It was awesome...for those two shows, in Act One, I played my role of Adam, the OLD, MALE servant, and then in Act Two, my understudy role of the very sparkly, very pink-slipdress-wearing goddess of marriage, mahaha. I got some huge compliments on playing an old man...considering I thought I sucked, man, such great words to hear. Such great words.
Following the show on March 31st, a few of us made a mad dash to the Theatre & Film Semi-Formal together...clearly awesome scheduling, yeesh. I wore my red corset and my mom's long black skirt - with my goddess hair + makeup + GLITTER still in full force, hah. So much fun. Rocking out to the Alan Braxe/Fred Falke remix + The Rapture was amazing, ahaha.
After our April 1st night show - closing show, of course - the McMaster Thespian Club officially closed for the year, with a cast party at Shane's house! I ambushed people with a can of whipped cream, mahaha.
...That night was also the first makeout bandit attack. Hah.
I was there until the wee hours of the morning...and then I had rep training bright and early the next morning, bah. I hit the snooze button too much, and jumped right out of bed in time for the last bus to get me there pretty much right at 9am. They got started late, thank goodness. Everything post-training and pre-work was hilarious, to say the least. Ahaha. I worked with Julia throughout the rest of the afternoon. That night Danny and I went out for a walk - he's gonna be an awesome cast member, it's so obvious already. I'm so excited!
My calendar has no more than a dash on April 3rd. That was totally the day I woke up with a giant estrogen punch to the gut, ugh. Then I wore my belt while napping with my heating pad on my belly, which resulted in a fucking BLISTER ON MY STOMACH. Worst. It's still in the process of healing, at that...gah. That day was also the first time I conversed with Dave online in like, years. It must've been about two years prior to that conversation. Crazy.
On April 4th I worked in the morning. That night, I stayed up all night writing my LAST ESSAY OF THIRD YEAR. Yesss. I am so sick of essays. So so very. That night was when I had to hand it in - the very last class of my third year, at that. Annnd I fell asleep during it, ahaha. :D Our prof bought a round for everyone, so awesome. I saw Josh for the first time in ages, it was crazy! After singing Hey Jude with Peter (BEST!) as it was karaoke night at the Phoenix, I managed to talk he and Josh into joining me at Absinthe. Josh bought me absinthe, even. Oh man, too much fun. However, I got drunk too fast and we left at like 12:15, hah. The walk and subsequent stop at Harvest Burger sobered me up, though, and I was fine by the time I got home. Thankfully, hah. Good times with those boys.
On the morning of April 6th, I worked. Bleh. Later that night I had a staff meeting, and then I had another outing to the Phoenix! Hah. I totally remember getting home late that night, and when I came in the front door, Whiskey came to greet me...and as he walked across the hardwood floor, he shook his body out - and proceeded to wipe out! Too cute and too hilarious, ahaha. Best. :)
That weekend marked four days of truly being a rockstar. Hah.
On Friday (7th), after work, I went to the Casbah...I definitely missed Tell The Divers...bah, I saw the Inflation Kills though (always good, and Phil is always hilarious, hah), and FROM FICTION again, finally, aaah! In a way, I'm glad I haven't seen them all this time...as awesome as it would've been to see them progress to where they are now, it completely overwhelmed me to see where there music has gone. It's crazy...ugh, they're so good. So gooddddddd.
Saturday (8th) I went to Absinthe. The Vapids opened, and were lovely. Cities In Dust played, and I made fun of Zach's boxers...Kevin definitely almost pulled his pants right off in front of everyone, hah. I asked him if it was laundry day. :P I also threw ice cubes at him, and kicked him when he fell on the ground in front of me. Hahaha. Sailboats Are White played next, and ohhh was Sex Drive Thieves ever SEXY. Good lord. Then Partytank! played and I poked some guy in the bum with a plastic sword, bahaha. Too much fun.
I kissed a cute boy named Matt that night. Haha.
The next day I worked, and then that night (9th), I met up with Carly at the GO Station...where I finally met my online friend, Mark! What a nice boy. We went to the Underground far too early. Met up with Marco, and we went to Hess to drink for a bit since the show was still ages away. He totally had Madonna on a mix he had made...too funny, ahaha. Didn't catch the first band's name, meh, they were kinda lame. We mostly watched Fantastic Planet on the TV above the bar, baha. The next band's name also escaped me, but they were nice. And then the Gris Gris...so crazy! I loved it. Watching Marco drive away with Madonna blaring is totally a memory for life, bahaha. Carly and Mark slept in my living room that night, and had to get up early. It was great to hangout them, though - and to finally meet Mark!
The next day (10th), I took Lisa out for lunch (she saved my ass a few days prior) to Affinity, a new vegetarian restaurant here - and it's actually mostly vegan. SO GOOD. Bigtime discounts, too. So so so good.
That night, after work, I managed to arrange for Lisa, Jen, and Jen's friend Tatiana to take the GO bus out to Toronto to see Jeff + Adam, a.k.a. FAMOUS PLAYER$, DJ the Yeah Yeah Yeahs afterparty. OH MY GOD SO MUCH FUN. Jeff fell down a full flight of stairs and our night ended in the hospital...hilarious photo ops ensued, after Jeff encouraged them of course, ahaha. He had to get staples in his eyebrow...what a ridiculous night. I am always going to remember holding his hand, while he was strapped to that stretcher, and how he said thank you. And how I said it was nothing.
I am so glad he is okay.
On the 11th, apparently while I was at work, Jeff stopped by my house. I wish I could've seen him. Sweet gesture, though. Awww. Smashyface!
Sometime late that night, after far too many free cans of Red Bull, I lost my solid silver band thumb ring, and my comedy/tragedy masks ring, somewhere in the depths of my room. I found the latter, but the former is STILL missing...bah.
I worked that night (12th), and the following morning. Then the night of the 13th brought about my first exam...and I did wonderfully, hah.
That night I couldn't sleep. Not sleeping ended up in an invite...and this girl got 5am makeouts, hah. So good. Ahaha.
The night of the 14th I went to the Casbah. Wyrd Visions opened...so pretty! Grizzly Bear played next, and OH LORDY were they ever overwhelming. Oh my. Then Final Fantasy played...always beautiful, my goodness.
The 15th brought about my second exam, and then that night I went home for the first time since CHRISTMAS. Michael is cheeky and knows that he is cute, hah. Diana is adorable and she was mostly hesitant of me, haha. Sososo cute.
We have furniture in my living room again! And a new television set! The room is no longer barren. Amazing.
I remember leaving my house that night, to meet up with Scott at Swazzee's, and seeing a "for sale" sign on my aunt's house, next door.
And so life goes.
The sidewalk felt smaller for a few moments.
I ran into Mandi at Swazzee's - I hadn't seen her since maybe Pumpkinfest, aside from VERY occasional on-campus run-ins. My goodness. She let me have some of her battered mushrooms, yummy. :)
Scott FINALLY showed up - and then there was some splitting off of group members. Anyway, Scott and I drank at the bar together for a while. Then he bought some pop to mix with the booze we had to pick up at his place - and a Colt too, hah. We shared it...so gross but totally hit the spot that night, ahaha. We walked to his house and I definitely used the washroom, hah. We walked through the dead town together, and I finally crossed Black Bridge for the first time in my life, ha...in the dark. Ahaha. I sang as loud as I could when we were on it. It felt amazing.
We got to Andrew's house, and I met a bunch of really nice girls that he goes to school with - that are from Simcoe, no less! I talked music with a couple of them. I shared my Grizzly Bear CD, and definitely exchanged e-mail addresses. Such a fun night.
I slept on the couch that night. Ohhh uncomfortable on the back, haha.
The next day (16th) we had Ukrainian Easter lunch...my mom is the best, as she got my own share of Easter borscht ready for me. :) Awww. She even sent a whole bunch home with me! Too good to me. Michael was a troublemaker that whole day, ahaha. God I love that friggin' kid.
I came back to Hamilton that night, and then sad things ensued...I ended up in McMaster's emerg supporting a friend. All I will say is that 7am is far too long of a wait for girls that arrive before midnight. Gosh.
So scary, so scary...
Jen asked me to take a shift that night (17th), effectively getting out of my shift the following morning to study. So good.
...It would've been even better if I would've studied, haha.
BUT.
You receive an offer to get paid three thousand dollars to direct and try to study! Haha!
So for this year's Welcome Week at McMaster, I'm directing the First Year Experience Office's IRIS production. Should be an awesome experience. :)
Anyway, I had an exam that night, and despite studying very barely, AGAIN, I totally felt confident leaving that exam behind. Bam.
The next day, Lauren McKinlay had arranged for a group of us to head out to Mandarin together for lunch...SUCH A GOOD IDEA. Unforgettable: the waiter who randomly came by with a spoon AT THE EXACT RIGHT TIME, the waiter that sang Happy Birthday (haha whoaaa), friggin' Rick getting dessert and such only to decide that he still wanted TERIYAKI CHICKEN (and had it served to him on the same plate bahaha)...oh man, good times all around. Friggin' gorgeous weather that day, too. So good.
That night I went to Absinthe...far earlier than EVERYONE else that said they were going, hah. I came ALL the way home, only to get a phone call shortly afterward from Miranda, telling me that it was packed and I should return...so I did, hah. Goddamn. It was great fun though!
The following day (20th) I had my second last exam...I had tried studying all day, I was so terrified I was going to fail it entirely. I didn't even know how to study for it - and you can't quite PRETEND to know film history, ugh. However...I finished it very early, and I totally did great on it, hah. I astound myself sometimes. That night I ended up on a random trip out to see Josh, Peter, John - and I met Rayna officially - at Snooty. Rayna left, and then the boys bought me a whole bunch of shots, haha. We ended up going for a walk, and playing in a park for a bit. Swings are my LIFE, oh man. We went to their house briefly, and then the 24-hour grocery store halfway between our houses! Hah. I got a bottle of strawberry milkshake, yum. Then they walked me home...gosh, such a fun night.
The following day (21st) I worked in the evening with Zach, and then went out to the Gown & Gavel, where Chris Ramelan had rented out the top floor for his birthday! SO MUCH FUN. I had another (brief) makeout hahaha. Nicole definitely made a stop at McDonald's for everyone she was driving home...man, meatless Big Macs really hit the spot when you're tanked, hahhh. I love liiife.
The next day I had to work 10-6, hah blehhhhhhh. I definitely napped after work...from like 6:30ish until maybe 11:30ish, oops...so I basically was nocturnal for a few days.
On the 23rd, I had planned to go to the Casbah to see A Northern Chorus, but at the very last minute, I decided to see some friends at karaoke at Snooty...and I ended up there the whole night! Haha. In honor of my last karaoke outing with Jeff, I followed his lead and sang Will Smith AHAHA SO GOOD. I was supposed to sing Champagne Supernova with Erik but he left early. :( Pooh. I got a lot of random compliments from strangers regarding my singing! [blush]
I was also a makeout bandit that night, mahaha. Aw, so cute. :)
I met a very nice boy named Ryan, and he and I ended up catching a ride over to the house of a boy named Ben. We caught a ride with a fellow that was bringing along a boozemelon, haha, ridiculous. (But so good...ahaha.) I met a girl named Angie and we totally got along instantly! Such a fun girl, awww. Foosball + random songs on acoustic guitars + singalongs + random kisses = fun night all around.
The next night (24th) brought about my last exam for the year...I had a choice between 50 multiple choice questions or an essay, and 3 hours to complete either one. And it was neat...I was terrified, again, because I really didn't even know what to expect for this exam...and as I was leaving my house, I looked down at the end of someone's driveway, several houses down from my house. Sitting right beside each other, on a bit of an angle from one another...two quarters.
Fifty cents. Fifty multiple choice questions.
Someone's looking out for me, I swear.
I finished the exam in about 20 minutes, hah.
The next day (25th) I worked in the morning, and had a meeting for IRIS shortly afterward. Michele gave me so much stuff to use! So good. She also gave me a bunch of rolls of Press 'N' Seal, hahaha...so random. This is going to be crazy and awesome and good, I can feel it.
That night I went to Laura Brinton's houseparty. I am NEVER going to forget how terrified I was, trying to hide the ass of a joint in my hand. GOOD LORDY.
The next morning (26th) was my first readthrough for Criminals In Love for SDF...thank goodness for awesome directors that call to get you out of bed, hah. There had to have been a power surge sometime that night/morning, because everything completely restarted in my room. WORST.
My mom came to visit me that day, and I took her out for lunch - to Affinity, hah. Donny was there, and I totally introduced him to her and chatted him up, after saying like only two words to him prior to seeing him there, bahaha. He seems nice though. My mom and I had such a great time together. I miss her so terribly.
That night I worked, and then went out to Snooty to meet up with Rachel...which then turned into a million reunions! Haha. After a while, I saw Matty outside, through the window. I thought, hm, I'm supposed to be going to his end-of-year/book burning party later, why is he here? He explained that firetrucks were called to his house ahaha! So, his party was no more.
After a short while, I had still planned to go to the Casbah to see Tell The Divers, so I did...so many places to be at onnnce, ahaha. I got there just at the end of one band's set, shortly before Tell The Divers was set to go up. Perfect. They're great - so talented! Gosh. Dave made some comment about how half of the band was definitely drunk, and I joked about how he was half of the band now. Hahaha. Oh man, I had planned to go back to Snooty but I'm glad I stayed to see Chris Yang...so terribly fucking talented and beautiful, my goodness.
I knocked over Dave's beer, haha.
Sad conversations turning into silly conversations; what an awesome end to that night, ahaha! These days are too much fun.
The next day (27th) I got out of bed late, got ready to go out...and still was late for my SOCS rep meeting somehow, bah. Hahaha. It was fun though - and I'm super glad I'm getting to know Mary, she's such an awesome lady. The trip out to Players with the rep team was great, and then Mary and I headed out to the Phoenix together for the get-together Ciara arranged. So many warm faces, fun times. I finally spent a bit of time with Monica, for the first time in so long...gosh I miss that girl! It's ridiculous how infrequently I get to hangout with her these days, pooh.
The next day (28th) I worked 2-9 (egh) and then went to Jamie's place for the surprise birthday party that his girlfriend had arranged for him. She's such an awesome lady, I'm so proud of Jamie for dating her! Haha. Hilarious times all around. I'm not sure when exactly that birthday-weed-brownie kicked in, but I'm sure the joints shared later that night after I left sure helped, hah! So yeah, I went to the Casbah later into the night, to watch Jackson get auctioned off to raise money for his baseball team. HILARIOUS. I was really just there to make sure he wasn't stuck at a crappy low bid, haha. Oh, boy auctions...
The next morning Darbygirl saved my bum and called me. So awesome of her. I worked...fuckin' all day, blah. 10am-6pm blows. That night, I slowly "got ready" (hah) and went to Lauren's place for her last big houseparty. Well, for a while, anyway. Oh man...I didn't want to bring booze with me, so I chugged back a whole bunch of Absinthe and then proceeded to RUN to the bus, bahaha. So drunk, so fast. And then Ryan shared gin with me, hah. Ridiculous.
Ben, who I had met at Snooty a week prior, saw me and LOST IT. Such an awesome guy! Ryan was glad to see me again too hahaha. I met a neat girl named Deja (yep) and she totally invited me to a houseparty in Toronto this weekend, haha random.
I'm so going, hah.
I got home after 3am, or something ridiculous like that. Shortly after that I struck up a conversation with Paul, and then told him to call me...several hours later I talked him into driving over for hangouts. He was here by like 9am, hahaha best.
I love my life, seriously, so much.
That night I went to karaoke at Snooty again. Erik showed up and I dedicated another round of Champagne Supernova to him, haha, awww. Deryk was there! So random. I also ran into Dave and Donny and I officially met their friend Pete, he's a nice boy, haha awww. I was also re-officially introduced to Darius, hahaha. Ridiculous times that night. So much fun.
Alright, May 1st...I definitely didn't wake up until 2pm, hahaha. I got ready for the day and went off to work 5-9. Matt picked me up after work and we went to see Silent Hill. I totally called it, too...as soon as I saw it I yelled out "THAT'S THE FORD PLANT!" and started giggling uncontrollably, bahaha. BEST. I did it later on, too, ahaha. Man, and the store signs they didn't change, and how they used that same street corner twice...I totally couldn't focus on the movie, bahaha. It was alright though - worth watching once, anyway! Ha.
May 2nd...well tonight's SDF meeting was cancelled since Monica couldn't make it back here, so I caught up on a bunch of things - even put away my laundry and such, gasp! - and then Lisa came over for to hangout before the show. We definitely made a trip to her house...effectively causing us to miss Joe + Ben's set, blargh. Next time. Oh man, we definitely saw Grizzly Bear though...so awesome to see them perform live again so soon! Ahhh so good. Dirty Projectors headlined, and they were nuts. Such sounds - such vocal tomfoolery, ahaha! So much fun.
...And now here I am, writing, trying to keep up.
This summer will be whirlwind and I don't know how I will keep up.
This upcoming weekend looks like it shall prove to be beyond amazing. I am excited.
I had too much I wanted to get done, so when I got in tonight, I had a can of Red Bull. Sometime partway through writing this, I had another, ha. I'll be awake until I work, at 10am. Then I have an IRIS meeting with Michele to follow. Then, I've got to call to reschedule an appointment that I missed AGAIN. And I should probably sign up for a summer school class or two...or at least make an appointment with someone to make sure I'm getting all the credits I need...
Hm.
Ah, life.
Good thing I'm a fucking rockstar. Hah.
Seriously.
In the time that has passed, school and As You Like It have ended. And pretty much since then, I've been out far too often.
Recap:
I had auditions for SDF on the night of March 23rd - for the three of the five (total) that I still hadn't tried out for.
That Friday (24th) brought early morning work, and then...well I did something in the Student Centre, so says my calendar. All that's left is a room and a time. No memory. Ha.
The 25th marked an all day rehearsal for As You Like It...hoo, boy.
Sunday (26th) brought about a shift with Julia - and a missed rehearsal! Yikes. Too many places to be at once...also matched by an all-nighter, frantically trying to complete assignments due the next day. I'm a student? What?
That night, though, was amazing and terrifying all at once. I received callback auditions for two plays...and they both wanted me to play lead roles. AND THEN THEY MADE ME PICK BETWEEN THEM, AAAH. For the rest of my life, I will be grateful that both were considering me so strongly. And to those that doubted me, when I began doubting myself around this time last year...there you go.
There you go.
I actually panicked so badly that I had to call Kohli, hahaha. It was the best idea, though, as she gave me the advice that I truly needed to hear.
I owe that woman for so much, so much...
I picked Miranda + Kyrsten's play, George F. Walker's Criminals In Love, in the role of Wineva. Ohhh I'm excited. :D
That Monday (27th) marked one of my last big assignments due - goodbye stress; good riddance! That night I had another As You Like It rehearsal...so longgg, oh man.
On the 28th, I worked all morning, and rehearsed all evening. Ah, acting.
That Wednesday was opening night, the first of four days in a row of shows every night - and one Saturday matinee. I picked up a book from the library that I reserved, for an essay that I got an extension on (my last assignment for that class). I missed Matty's birthday celebrations that night because I am a jerk.
Work work work, show show show. For the Friday night + Saturday matinee shows, I played my understudy role - a very barely dressed goddess, hah. It was awesome...for those two shows, in Act One, I played my role of Adam, the OLD, MALE servant, and then in Act Two, my understudy role of the very sparkly, very pink-slipdress-wearing goddess of marriage, mahaha. I got some huge compliments on playing an old man...considering I thought I sucked, man, such great words to hear. Such great words.
Following the show on March 31st, a few of us made a mad dash to the Theatre & Film Semi-Formal together...clearly awesome scheduling, yeesh. I wore my red corset and my mom's long black skirt - with my goddess hair + makeup + GLITTER still in full force, hah. So much fun. Rocking out to the Alan Braxe/Fred Falke remix + The Rapture was amazing, ahaha.
After our April 1st night show - closing show, of course - the McMaster Thespian Club officially closed for the year, with a cast party at Shane's house! I ambushed people with a can of whipped cream, mahaha.
...That night was also the first makeout bandit attack. Hah.
I was there until the wee hours of the morning...and then I had rep training bright and early the next morning, bah. I hit the snooze button too much, and jumped right out of bed in time for the last bus to get me there pretty much right at 9am. They got started late, thank goodness. Everything post-training and pre-work was hilarious, to say the least. Ahaha. I worked with Julia throughout the rest of the afternoon. That night Danny and I went out for a walk - he's gonna be an awesome cast member, it's so obvious already. I'm so excited!
My calendar has no more than a dash on April 3rd. That was totally the day I woke up with a giant estrogen punch to the gut, ugh. Then I wore my belt while napping with my heating pad on my belly, which resulted in a fucking BLISTER ON MY STOMACH. Worst. It's still in the process of healing, at that...gah. That day was also the first time I conversed with Dave online in like, years. It must've been about two years prior to that conversation. Crazy.
On April 4th I worked in the morning. That night, I stayed up all night writing my LAST ESSAY OF THIRD YEAR. Yesss. I am so sick of essays. So so very. That night was when I had to hand it in - the very last class of my third year, at that. Annnd I fell asleep during it, ahaha. :D Our prof bought a round for everyone, so awesome. I saw Josh for the first time in ages, it was crazy! After singing Hey Jude with Peter (BEST!) as it was karaoke night at the Phoenix, I managed to talk he and Josh into joining me at Absinthe. Josh bought me absinthe, even. Oh man, too much fun. However, I got drunk too fast and we left at like 12:15, hah. The walk and subsequent stop at Harvest Burger sobered me up, though, and I was fine by the time I got home. Thankfully, hah. Good times with those boys.
On the morning of April 6th, I worked. Bleh. Later that night I had a staff meeting, and then I had another outing to the Phoenix! Hah. I totally remember getting home late that night, and when I came in the front door, Whiskey came to greet me...and as he walked across the hardwood floor, he shook his body out - and proceeded to wipe out! Too cute and too hilarious, ahaha. Best. :)
That weekend marked four days of truly being a rockstar. Hah.
On Friday (7th), after work, I went to the Casbah...I definitely missed Tell The Divers...bah, I saw the Inflation Kills though (always good, and Phil is always hilarious, hah), and FROM FICTION again, finally, aaah! In a way, I'm glad I haven't seen them all this time...as awesome as it would've been to see them progress to where they are now, it completely overwhelmed me to see where there music has gone. It's crazy...ugh, they're so good. So gooddddddd.
Saturday (8th) I went to Absinthe. The Vapids opened, and were lovely. Cities In Dust played, and I made fun of Zach's boxers...Kevin definitely almost pulled his pants right off in front of everyone, hah. I asked him if it was laundry day. :P I also threw ice cubes at him, and kicked him when he fell on the ground in front of me. Hahaha. Sailboats Are White played next, and ohhh was Sex Drive Thieves ever SEXY. Good lord. Then Partytank! played and I poked some guy in the bum with a plastic sword, bahaha. Too much fun.
I kissed a cute boy named Matt that night. Haha.
The next day I worked, and then that night (9th), I met up with Carly at the GO Station...where I finally met my online friend, Mark! What a nice boy. We went to the Underground far too early. Met up with Marco, and we went to Hess to drink for a bit since the show was still ages away. He totally had Madonna on a mix he had made...too funny, ahaha. Didn't catch the first band's name, meh, they were kinda lame. We mostly watched Fantastic Planet on the TV above the bar, baha. The next band's name also escaped me, but they were nice. And then the Gris Gris...so crazy! I loved it. Watching Marco drive away with Madonna blaring is totally a memory for life, bahaha. Carly and Mark slept in my living room that night, and had to get up early. It was great to hangout them, though - and to finally meet Mark!
The next day (10th), I took Lisa out for lunch (she saved my ass a few days prior) to Affinity, a new vegetarian restaurant here - and it's actually mostly vegan. SO GOOD. Bigtime discounts, too. So so so good.
That night, after work, I managed to arrange for Lisa, Jen, and Jen's friend Tatiana to take the GO bus out to Toronto to see Jeff + Adam, a.k.a. FAMOUS PLAYER$, DJ the Yeah Yeah Yeahs afterparty. OH MY GOD SO MUCH FUN. Jeff fell down a full flight of stairs and our night ended in the hospital...hilarious photo ops ensued, after Jeff encouraged them of course, ahaha. He had to get staples in his eyebrow...what a ridiculous night. I am always going to remember holding his hand, while he was strapped to that stretcher, and how he said thank you. And how I said it was nothing.
I am so glad he is okay.
On the 11th, apparently while I was at work, Jeff stopped by my house. I wish I could've seen him. Sweet gesture, though. Awww. Smashyface!
Sometime late that night, after far too many free cans of Red Bull, I lost my solid silver band thumb ring, and my comedy/tragedy masks ring, somewhere in the depths of my room. I found the latter, but the former is STILL missing...bah.
I worked that night (12th), and the following morning. Then the night of the 13th brought about my first exam...and I did wonderfully, hah.
That night I couldn't sleep. Not sleeping ended up in an invite...and this girl got 5am makeouts, hah. So good. Ahaha.
The night of the 14th I went to the Casbah. Wyrd Visions opened...so pretty! Grizzly Bear played next, and OH LORDY were they ever overwhelming. Oh my. Then Final Fantasy played...always beautiful, my goodness.
The 15th brought about my second exam, and then that night I went home for the first time since CHRISTMAS. Michael is cheeky and knows that he is cute, hah. Diana is adorable and she was mostly hesitant of me, haha. Sososo cute.
We have furniture in my living room again! And a new television set! The room is no longer barren. Amazing.
I remember leaving my house that night, to meet up with Scott at Swazzee's, and seeing a "for sale" sign on my aunt's house, next door.
And so life goes.
The sidewalk felt smaller for a few moments.
I ran into Mandi at Swazzee's - I hadn't seen her since maybe Pumpkinfest, aside from VERY occasional on-campus run-ins. My goodness. She let me have some of her battered mushrooms, yummy. :)
Scott FINALLY showed up - and then there was some splitting off of group members. Anyway, Scott and I drank at the bar together for a while. Then he bought some pop to mix with the booze we had to pick up at his place - and a Colt too, hah. We shared it...so gross but totally hit the spot that night, ahaha. We walked to his house and I definitely used the washroom, hah. We walked through the dead town together, and I finally crossed Black Bridge for the first time in my life, ha...in the dark. Ahaha. I sang as loud as I could when we were on it. It felt amazing.
We got to Andrew's house, and I met a bunch of really nice girls that he goes to school with - that are from Simcoe, no less! I talked music with a couple of them. I shared my Grizzly Bear CD, and definitely exchanged e-mail addresses. Such a fun night.
I slept on the couch that night. Ohhh uncomfortable on the back, haha.
The next day (16th) we had Ukrainian Easter lunch...my mom is the best, as she got my own share of Easter borscht ready for me. :) Awww. She even sent a whole bunch home with me! Too good to me. Michael was a troublemaker that whole day, ahaha. God I love that friggin' kid.
I came back to Hamilton that night, and then sad things ensued...I ended up in McMaster's emerg supporting a friend. All I will say is that 7am is far too long of a wait for girls that arrive before midnight. Gosh.
So scary, so scary...
Jen asked me to take a shift that night (17th), effectively getting out of my shift the following morning to study. So good.
...It would've been even better if I would've studied, haha.
BUT.
You receive an offer to get paid three thousand dollars to direct and try to study! Haha!
So for this year's Welcome Week at McMaster, I'm directing the First Year Experience Office's IRIS production. Should be an awesome experience. :)
Anyway, I had an exam that night, and despite studying very barely, AGAIN, I totally felt confident leaving that exam behind. Bam.
The next day, Lauren McKinlay had arranged for a group of us to head out to Mandarin together for lunch...SUCH A GOOD IDEA. Unforgettable: the waiter who randomly came by with a spoon AT THE EXACT RIGHT TIME, the waiter that sang Happy Birthday (haha whoaaa), friggin' Rick getting dessert and such only to decide that he still wanted TERIYAKI CHICKEN (and had it served to him on the same plate bahaha)...oh man, good times all around. Friggin' gorgeous weather that day, too. So good.
That night I went to Absinthe...far earlier than EVERYONE else that said they were going, hah. I came ALL the way home, only to get a phone call shortly afterward from Miranda, telling me that it was packed and I should return...so I did, hah. Goddamn. It was great fun though!
The following day (20th) I had my second last exam...I had tried studying all day, I was so terrified I was going to fail it entirely. I didn't even know how to study for it - and you can't quite PRETEND to know film history, ugh. However...I finished it very early, and I totally did great on it, hah. I astound myself sometimes. That night I ended up on a random trip out to see Josh, Peter, John - and I met Rayna officially - at Snooty. Rayna left, and then the boys bought me a whole bunch of shots, haha. We ended up going for a walk, and playing in a park for a bit. Swings are my LIFE, oh man. We went to their house briefly, and then the 24-hour grocery store halfway between our houses! Hah. I got a bottle of strawberry milkshake, yum. Then they walked me home...gosh, such a fun night.
The following day (21st) I worked in the evening with Zach, and then went out to the Gown & Gavel, where Chris Ramelan had rented out the top floor for his birthday! SO MUCH FUN. I had another (brief) makeout hahaha. Nicole definitely made a stop at McDonald's for everyone she was driving home...man, meatless Big Macs really hit the spot when you're tanked, hahhh. I love liiife.
The next day I had to work 10-6, hah blehhhhhhh. I definitely napped after work...from like 6:30ish until maybe 11:30ish, oops...so I basically was nocturnal for a few days.
On the 23rd, I had planned to go to the Casbah to see A Northern Chorus, but at the very last minute, I decided to see some friends at karaoke at Snooty...and I ended up there the whole night! Haha. In honor of my last karaoke outing with Jeff, I followed his lead and sang Will Smith AHAHA SO GOOD. I was supposed to sing Champagne Supernova with Erik but he left early. :( Pooh. I got a lot of random compliments from strangers regarding my singing! [blush]
I was also a makeout bandit that night, mahaha. Aw, so cute. :)
I met a very nice boy named Ryan, and he and I ended up catching a ride over to the house of a boy named Ben. We caught a ride with a fellow that was bringing along a boozemelon, haha, ridiculous. (But so good...ahaha.) I met a girl named Angie and we totally got along instantly! Such a fun girl, awww. Foosball + random songs on acoustic guitars + singalongs + random kisses = fun night all around.
The next night (24th) brought about my last exam for the year...I had a choice between 50 multiple choice questions or an essay, and 3 hours to complete either one. And it was neat...I was terrified, again, because I really didn't even know what to expect for this exam...and as I was leaving my house, I looked down at the end of someone's driveway, several houses down from my house. Sitting right beside each other, on a bit of an angle from one another...two quarters.
Fifty cents. Fifty multiple choice questions.
Someone's looking out for me, I swear.
I finished the exam in about 20 minutes, hah.
The next day (25th) I worked in the morning, and had a meeting for IRIS shortly afterward. Michele gave me so much stuff to use! So good. She also gave me a bunch of rolls of Press 'N' Seal, hahaha...so random. This is going to be crazy and awesome and good, I can feel it.
That night I went to Laura Brinton's houseparty. I am NEVER going to forget how terrified I was, trying to hide the ass of a joint in my hand. GOOD LORDY.
The next morning (26th) was my first readthrough for Criminals In Love for SDF...thank goodness for awesome directors that call to get you out of bed, hah. There had to have been a power surge sometime that night/morning, because everything completely restarted in my room. WORST.
My mom came to visit me that day, and I took her out for lunch - to Affinity, hah. Donny was there, and I totally introduced him to her and chatted him up, after saying like only two words to him prior to seeing him there, bahaha. He seems nice though. My mom and I had such a great time together. I miss her so terribly.
That night I worked, and then went out to Snooty to meet up with Rachel...which then turned into a million reunions! Haha. After a while, I saw Matty outside, through the window. I thought, hm, I'm supposed to be going to his end-of-year/book burning party later, why is he here? He explained that firetrucks were called to his house ahaha! So, his party was no more.
After a short while, I had still planned to go to the Casbah to see Tell The Divers, so I did...so many places to be at onnnce, ahaha. I got there just at the end of one band's set, shortly before Tell The Divers was set to go up. Perfect. They're great - so talented! Gosh. Dave made some comment about how half of the band was definitely drunk, and I joked about how he was half of the band now. Hahaha. Oh man, I had planned to go back to Snooty but I'm glad I stayed to see Chris Yang...so terribly fucking talented and beautiful, my goodness.
I knocked over Dave's beer, haha.
Sad conversations turning into silly conversations; what an awesome end to that night, ahaha! These days are too much fun.
The next day (27th) I got out of bed late, got ready to go out...and still was late for my SOCS rep meeting somehow, bah. Hahaha. It was fun though - and I'm super glad I'm getting to know Mary, she's such an awesome lady. The trip out to Players with the rep team was great, and then Mary and I headed out to the Phoenix together for the get-together Ciara arranged. So many warm faces, fun times. I finally spent a bit of time with Monica, for the first time in so long...gosh I miss that girl! It's ridiculous how infrequently I get to hangout with her these days, pooh.
The next day (28th) I worked 2-9 (egh) and then went to Jamie's place for the surprise birthday party that his girlfriend had arranged for him. She's such an awesome lady, I'm so proud of Jamie for dating her! Haha. Hilarious times all around. I'm not sure when exactly that birthday-weed-brownie kicked in, but I'm sure the joints shared later that night after I left sure helped, hah! So yeah, I went to the Casbah later into the night, to watch Jackson get auctioned off to raise money for his baseball team. HILARIOUS. I was really just there to make sure he wasn't stuck at a crappy low bid, haha. Oh, boy auctions...
The next morning Darbygirl saved my bum and called me. So awesome of her. I worked...fuckin' all day, blah. 10am-6pm blows. That night, I slowly "got ready" (hah) and went to Lauren's place for her last big houseparty. Well, for a while, anyway. Oh man...I didn't want to bring booze with me, so I chugged back a whole bunch of Absinthe and then proceeded to RUN to the bus, bahaha. So drunk, so fast. And then Ryan shared gin with me, hah. Ridiculous.
Ben, who I had met at Snooty a week prior, saw me and LOST IT. Such an awesome guy! Ryan was glad to see me again too hahaha. I met a neat girl named Deja (yep) and she totally invited me to a houseparty in Toronto this weekend, haha random.
I'm so going, hah.
I got home after 3am, or something ridiculous like that. Shortly after that I struck up a conversation with Paul, and then told him to call me...several hours later I talked him into driving over for hangouts. He was here by like 9am, hahaha best.
I love my life, seriously, so much.
That night I went to karaoke at Snooty again. Erik showed up and I dedicated another round of Champagne Supernova to him, haha, awww. Deryk was there! So random. I also ran into Dave and Donny and I officially met their friend Pete, he's a nice boy, haha awww. I was also re-officially introduced to Darius, hahaha. Ridiculous times that night. So much fun.
Alright, May 1st...I definitely didn't wake up until 2pm, hahaha. I got ready for the day and went off to work 5-9. Matt picked me up after work and we went to see Silent Hill. I totally called it, too...as soon as I saw it I yelled out "THAT'S THE FORD PLANT!" and started giggling uncontrollably, bahaha. BEST. I did it later on, too, ahaha. Man, and the store signs they didn't change, and how they used that same street corner twice...I totally couldn't focus on the movie, bahaha. It was alright though - worth watching once, anyway! Ha.
May 2nd...well tonight's SDF meeting was cancelled since Monica couldn't make it back here, so I caught up on a bunch of things - even put away my laundry and such, gasp! - and then Lisa came over for to hangout before the show. We definitely made a trip to her house...effectively causing us to miss Joe + Ben's set, blargh. Next time. Oh man, we definitely saw Grizzly Bear though...so awesome to see them perform live again so soon! Ahhh so good. Dirty Projectors headlined, and they were nuts. Such sounds - such vocal tomfoolery, ahaha! So much fun.
...And now here I am, writing, trying to keep up.
This summer will be whirlwind and I don't know how I will keep up.
This upcoming weekend looks like it shall prove to be beyond amazing. I am excited.
I had too much I wanted to get done, so when I got in tonight, I had a can of Red Bull. Sometime partway through writing this, I had another, ha. I'll be awake until I work, at 10am. Then I have an IRIS meeting with Michele to follow. Then, I've got to call to reschedule an appointment that I missed AGAIN. And I should probably sign up for a summer school class or two...or at least make an appointment with someone to make sure I'm getting all the credits I need...
Hm.
Ah, life.
Good thing I'm a fucking rockstar. Hah.
I guess this is just how I roll.
Days flying by - catch up, catch up. Reminisce. Analyze. Keep moving forward.
Stuck somewhere between motivation to do and to sleep. Accomplishing very little of either one. Is this even new?
Everything bores me and inspires me at the same time - and I either want to get up and leave, or sit and stare. Stuck between both.
Stuck.
Rehearsals and rehearsals and work and work and classes and classes. Lather, rinse, repeat. Routines don't hold inherent comfort. Restless.
Details that no longer stick out in my mind. Fleeting, unlasting.
February 17th marked our first off-book rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection for the Directors' Series. Cockett attended, and was apparently impressed with how far I had come, "considering how busy I am." That's me, Cockett; that's what I do. Hah.
I had my SOCS rep interview later that day. I challenged the interviewers to a napkin race/backwards alphabet competition...both of which I'm wonderfully skilled at, of course. I won, ha. I had them laughing the whole time. Definitely one of my favorite interviews of all time. I actually felt like they were giving me a chance.
And, look at that - I was accepted. :) Welcome Week 2006, here I come.
After work, I went straight to the Underground...and oh gosh, what a night. I have never sung along to Jon Rae harder in my life. They played 14 Years at my request; oh gosh, oh goodness, so huge...so many voices, just voices...
The Constantines played next, and I sang and danced almost as hard throughout their set. I don't understand how they are so solid, every single show.
February 18th was marked by more Directors' Series shows. Darby and I coaxed Graeme into joining us - who can deny free theatre? I should make special note: Kristen genuinely broke my heart in 100. Goodness. Anyway, Darby and I crashed their party (as per my typical doing, ha) and a lot of alcohol was consumed by all.
I had to open the store the next day, pooh. I had fun spending time with Darby though, it had been a pretty substantial while since I had last seen her.
The next day (February 20th) marked the first day of no classes for Reading Week. I had rehearsal terribly early in the morning for a "week off of school"...and attendance was crappy, at that. Argh. Also, that night, I was unable to secure a ride to attend the Sears Festival in Brantford. Ugh...next year, I truly truly hope...
February 21st brought morning work, and then re-filming for Lisa's multimedia class video project...I didn't throw my ass down an icy hill this time, thank you mother nature. Haha. The resultant video doesn't look too shabby, either!
That night, post-bath, the doorbell rang. After scrambling to find clothing, I answered the door...only to see Jeff and Amelia and Jon! They invited me to Boston Pizza for karaoke; I agreed, but needed to get ready first. Jeff and Jon headed out, and Amelia stayed...while I took my sweet sweet time getting ready, hahaha. JEFF SANG GETTIN' JIGGY WITH IT AHAHA. So much funnn.
February 22nd brought more morning work, and then a trip to the mall with Sophie...where I bought EVEN MORE UNDERTHINGS...when will I learn? Haha...oh boy. I'm keeping that goddamned store alive.
February 23rd began in a bit of a panic - I completely slept through my alarm...only to realize, shortly after waking up, that the morning rehearsal I thought I had was actually scheduled for the FOLLOWING day...phew. I worked with Emily that evening, for the first time in weeks. Such a fun girl to work with!
After I worked the night of the 24th, I went to the Underground again. Sailboats Are White...gosh, seriously, if Sex Drive Thieves sounded any fucking sexier I'd implode. And Hoosier Poet...ohhh Hoosier Poet, how I adore the sounds you make. So good.
The next morning (25th) I had an early rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection, and then I worked with Jen all day! Haha, I can't wait until she has her baby. :)
The next night, the 26th, I had an evening rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection again, followed by a morning rehearsal on the 27th. Ohhh rehearsals...I skipped all my classes that day, though. I dunno.
On the 28th I worked early in the morning, and went to class all afternoon and evening. Fucking night classes, grah.
March 1st marked the post-night class Trojan Women cast reunion at the Phoenix. Quite a few people managed to show up, actually...so good. Alexa is now engaged! Oh, time. I sang "I Will Survive" in my sketchy toga at Rick, dressed in his armor. I managed to be pretty entertaining to the crowd, who'd've thought? Several strangers complimented my voice, that was pretty awesome. Such a fun night.
March 2nd was another morning of work, and another full afternoon and evening of classes. Blah.
March 3rd began with more morning work, and then rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection. Then, I went with a group of friends to see Pippin. So very, very little clothing, eee...hahaha, the dancing during the bedroom scene, my GOODNESS did I ever laugh! The musicals that MMT puts on seem to have been getting progressively better - that is, the ones I've seen. I missed The Wiz last year, pooh.
March 4th was marked by tag-team rehearsing - first for As You Like It, and then Pursuit Of Perfection. Ah, exhaustion.
March 5th started with a very early morning rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection again, and then work with Julia all afternoon. I don't think I've worked with her since then, and apparently she's not going to be around for the summer! Bah.
I had a super late rehearsal on the 6th, for Pursuit Of Perfection again - 10pm! So laaate, whyyy...
On the 7th, I had a full day - rehearsals, classes...and a meeting which made for one very unimpressed girl, oh man. Jumping through the right hoops no longer means the same thing in this faculty, it seems. I came to this school for a reason, and now that reason is changing. I'll get my way, regardless - I'll fight to do so, again - but it's just unfortunate that these changes had to be made now.
Always fighting. It's not that I should have these things, it's that I'm determined to get what I ought to receive.
Stuck.
Anyway.
March 8th was our final dress rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection, and it went pretty well. Aside from ridiculously uncontrolled sound volumes, but hey, that's what rehearsals are meant for - to figure these things out, right? So it would seem, anyway.
March 9th was our first show, a matinee. Aside from forgetting to set one of my major props and having to dash off like mad to get it in time (OOPS), everything went wonderfully...well, actually, until the end, when the music volume was so loud during my final, very emotional scene...and it completely threw me off. I forgot the end of my last line of the entire show, and said something that made little sense, delayed, in place of it. As soon as I turned my back to walk away after the bow, I was sobbing. Ugh. Frustration.
So many familiar faces in the audience - Darby, Amelia, an abundance of classmates...support far beyond my gratitude.
That night, I went to Tap Haus after my night class to celebrate Sophie's birthday. It was a week prior, but no fun was lost! I only had one drink - I got chocolate martinis for myself and my lady Sophie - but hoooly crap was it ever strong, haha.
The next night (10th) was our second of three shows for Pursuit Of Perfection. The sound levels were better, thankfully. I could actually GET INTO character because I could focus during that scene, phew. I'm glad that was the show that was recorded, and not any of the other ones, haha...regardless of the fact that I forgot, yet again, to set a prop. A different one, but still. Hahaha. I heard sniffling throughout the audience; success. Also, the director (Heather) told me that her mother attended that show, and I apparently made her cry.
So huge.
The 11th brought a supremely long rehearsal for As You Like It...I was up far before dawn...eek. I had to leave rehearsal earlier than almost everyone else, for a quick run back to the stupid library...so sick of research essays, even though this one is the only one I've had this term, bah. Ruining my life. I managed to find two books on separate floors juuust before the library closed, thank goodness. Then, I dashed home to finish getting ready for the show I had that night.
I brought the cast pre-show celebratory shots, haha...good times. The show went really well, too. We invited all of the other casts + crews to our party, as our show and the show we were slotted with for the week were the last shows of the Directors' Series for the year. As per my prior major involvement in the Series, for the cast party, I brought and consumed another entire bottle of red wine. Uh, yeah...probably would've been a good idea to eat a FULL, REAL meal sometime throughout the day. I was home by 2am because of that, haha. It was a really fun party though! Shane's house was so packed that it was nearly impossible to move anywhere, hah! So much fun.
The next day (12th) I worked with Zach, and managed to survive my hangover, ha.
I felt strangely nauseous again on the following day, the 13th, so I skipped both of my classes that day. I missed going to the Phoenix with Cockett and my stage management class, baw.
The next morning (14th) I worked, then I had an interview...cross your fingers, I could really use that money. Phew. That afternoon and evening, more classes - both of which I wrote essays for. Both written the night prior. How I manage to do this, every time, I don't know. But I do. And, I get pretty awesome marks. Hah.
...So ready for school to be over for a while.
That night, actually, my night class professor decided to nap...and effectively slept through the first few hours of class, hahaha. Lisa invited me over to her place so I could watch Eyes Wide Shut - she had rented it, and we were required to watch it on our own time for said class. I still don't like Tom Cruise, bah. That night, we realized that her project partner Gabe is the same Gabe that used to be in As You Like It. He came over to Lisa's place to hang out with us; we went out for bubble tea, and ended up on a late, aimless drive, sitting silently amid blaring music and high speeds. And I could feel home again.
Stuck.
The next day (the 15th), following night class, I was determined to stay in and write an essay due the next day. Where did I end up? Hanging out with my pretend-adopted-baby-brother Phil, and Kevin and Brandon at Harvest Burger. I AM THE WORST STUDENT. The veggie burger combo I got was fucking tasty, though.
I procrastinated some more when I got home, and then decided that a nap was in order. I napped, and then began writing the essay in the wee hours of the morning. A few hours later, it was done.
...Seems I can't do schoolwork anymore unless some sort of self-torture is involved now.
That morning (the 16th, technically) I worked from 10 until 2pm. Classes and such, and then a trip to Rick's house for a movie night! Aside from Rick and myself, there was Monica and her sister Josie, Julie Ella and her sister Céline, and Noa. I fell asleep during the ending of The Usual Suspects, haha I'm awesome. Then we watched Amélie, and then I fell asleep when we started watching Moulin Rouge. Half-asleep, Rick guided me to the room I then slept in. I remember half-waking to watch him clear the bed for me, haha awww. The next morning, Noa + Julie Ella + Céline had left mega early for prior engagements, so that left myself, Monica, Josie, as well as Rick. We ended up making an impromptu trip to Ikea for some food - I ended up just eating two frozen yogurt cones, haha - and then Rick brought everyone back into Hamilton.
I was far too late getting home to join Lisa as she got her latest tattoo, though. Bah.
I worked that night, from 5pm until 9pm. Then I travelled over to Rebecca's house so we could head out to celebrate St. Patrick's Day...only to realize that we had earlier agreed that she and Monica would meet me at my house. Haha, I'm dumb. I waited at her place, though, and they met me there. Apparently the house party/kegger that Rick had suggested ended up being pretty lame. So, we decided to meet up with a big group of Rebecca's friends at Ramshead. Among those friends was Jordan, who finally learned who Mystery Girl was, hahaha!
That place was PACKED, holy crap. I definitely planned on just having fun and not drinking, as I had rehearsal early the next morning. Rebecca bought a pitcher to share between herself and Monica; after pouring a glass for herself, and then one for Monica, Rebecca then sat the pitcher down in front of me...so I was pretty much coerced into drinking, hahaha. Later, I ran into Rachel at the pub (she's doing costume stuff for As You Like It) and she bought shots for both of us...I owe that girl, haha. She seems like such a fun girl!
Lots of dancing and madness later, we all decided to leave. On my way out, I realized I had lost my wallet...bargh. Thankfully, I found it after about five minutes of searching - I am so luckyyy. Stupid tight jeans and small pockets!
We went to the guys' house, where smoking of illicit substances and the playing of videogames ensued. Holy crap, was I ever gone. Around 2am, Rebecca and Monica and I headed home.
...Just before I turned onto my street, I realized that a wallet was absent from my pocket again. SO COLD AND FRUSTRATING. I was so intoxicated that I had to head back to Rebecca's house to bother her for directions back...I'm surprised I even found the house again, at that. So, so wrecked. I got there, though, and my wallet was exactly where I figured it would be - sitting on the couch that I was on earlier. Bah. I stayed for a moment to warm up, and then headed all the way back home again.
The next morning (the 18th), rehearsal began super early, as per usual...bargh. It went pretty well though - I've finally, FINALLY nailed my lines. Ah, Shakespeare, you wordy fellow. Next time, I memorize DAYS after receiving my script...procrastination kept biting me in the ass, here, hahaha.
The 19th brought about another shift with good ol' Zach, haha. I like working with him lately, it's been so much more fun than when we'd mostly bicker. We still argue from time to time, but it's more lighthearted now, thankfully!
On the 20th, post-class, I had my first two of five auditions for plays for this year's Summer Drama Festival...fingers crossed, yet again. I will be so happy if I am part of one of the casts again. So far, all of the plays sound like productions I'd gladly dedicate my (summer) life to, my goodness. Fingers crossed...
The morning of the 21st was met with more work, and then classes all day. I went to bed really early that night, mostly on account of the medication I took that night...stupid sneezing and stuffy nose and grossness. I slept for like 12 hours though, so that was good - woke up feeling 50% better!
Then, yesterday began with a visit from my mom! She brought me perogies, awww. We also went to the grocery store together, and spent some time here at my place for a while. I've missed her, baw. It was so good to spend time with her again.
I took a long bath after she left, effectively skipping my afternoon class...fuck, seriously, fucking classes. I went to my night class, though, since I'll be missing next week's class for opening night of my show. Haha oops.
I drank a can of Red Bull around 6:30pm last night. Then I wasted a lot of time when I got home, doing a lot of nothing. Then I "napped" for a while. For too long, at that.
I've been up since around 6:30/7am this morning.
And now I've written this entry.
...I have an essay due Monday, one more due by April 5th, and a big portfolio type thing due this Monday as well. I can't motivate myself to do these things now, before tech week starts for As You Like It. Not at all.
I'm stuck.
Everything is just flying past me - always flying out of my hands. I can never catch up. Only reminiscing. Always analyzing. Moving forward, but barely moving. Barely doing and rarely sleeping. Bored and inspired - can't just get up and leave, but can't merely sit and stare, either.
I am so motivated to write a fucking play, but I can't. I simply can't.
Stuck.
...This is really just how I roll.
I just wish summer would fucking be here already.
Stuck somewhere between motivation to do and to sleep. Accomplishing very little of either one. Is this even new?
Everything bores me and inspires me at the same time - and I either want to get up and leave, or sit and stare. Stuck between both.
Stuck.
Rehearsals and rehearsals and work and work and classes and classes. Lather, rinse, repeat. Routines don't hold inherent comfort. Restless.
Details that no longer stick out in my mind. Fleeting, unlasting.
February 17th marked our first off-book rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection for the Directors' Series. Cockett attended, and was apparently impressed with how far I had come, "considering how busy I am." That's me, Cockett; that's what I do. Hah.
I had my SOCS rep interview later that day. I challenged the interviewers to a napkin race/backwards alphabet competition...both of which I'm wonderfully skilled at, of course. I won, ha. I had them laughing the whole time. Definitely one of my favorite interviews of all time. I actually felt like they were giving me a chance.
And, look at that - I was accepted. :) Welcome Week 2006, here I come.
After work, I went straight to the Underground...and oh gosh, what a night. I have never sung along to Jon Rae harder in my life. They played 14 Years at my request; oh gosh, oh goodness, so huge...so many voices, just voices...
The Constantines played next, and I sang and danced almost as hard throughout their set. I don't understand how they are so solid, every single show.
February 18th was marked by more Directors' Series shows. Darby and I coaxed Graeme into joining us - who can deny free theatre? I should make special note: Kristen genuinely broke my heart in 100. Goodness. Anyway, Darby and I crashed their party (as per my typical doing, ha) and a lot of alcohol was consumed by all.
I had to open the store the next day, pooh. I had fun spending time with Darby though, it had been a pretty substantial while since I had last seen her.
The next day (February 20th) marked the first day of no classes for Reading Week. I had rehearsal terribly early in the morning for a "week off of school"...and attendance was crappy, at that. Argh. Also, that night, I was unable to secure a ride to attend the Sears Festival in Brantford. Ugh...next year, I truly truly hope...
February 21st brought morning work, and then re-filming for Lisa's multimedia class video project...I didn't throw my ass down an icy hill this time, thank you mother nature. Haha. The resultant video doesn't look too shabby, either!
That night, post-bath, the doorbell rang. After scrambling to find clothing, I answered the door...only to see Jeff and Amelia and Jon! They invited me to Boston Pizza for karaoke; I agreed, but needed to get ready first. Jeff and Jon headed out, and Amelia stayed...while I took my sweet sweet time getting ready, hahaha. JEFF SANG GETTIN' JIGGY WITH IT AHAHA. So much funnn.
February 22nd brought more morning work, and then a trip to the mall with Sophie...where I bought EVEN MORE UNDERTHINGS...when will I learn? Haha...oh boy. I'm keeping that goddamned store alive.
February 23rd began in a bit of a panic - I completely slept through my alarm...only to realize, shortly after waking up, that the morning rehearsal I thought I had was actually scheduled for the FOLLOWING day...phew. I worked with Emily that evening, for the first time in weeks. Such a fun girl to work with!
After I worked the night of the 24th, I went to the Underground again. Sailboats Are White...gosh, seriously, if Sex Drive Thieves sounded any fucking sexier I'd implode. And Hoosier Poet...ohhh Hoosier Poet, how I adore the sounds you make. So good.
The next morning (25th) I had an early rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection, and then I worked with Jen all day! Haha, I can't wait until she has her baby. :)
The next night, the 26th, I had an evening rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection again, followed by a morning rehearsal on the 27th. Ohhh rehearsals...I skipped all my classes that day, though. I dunno.
On the 28th I worked early in the morning, and went to class all afternoon and evening. Fucking night classes, grah.
March 1st marked the post-night class Trojan Women cast reunion at the Phoenix. Quite a few people managed to show up, actually...so good. Alexa is now engaged! Oh, time. I sang "I Will Survive" in my sketchy toga at Rick, dressed in his armor. I managed to be pretty entertaining to the crowd, who'd've thought? Several strangers complimented my voice, that was pretty awesome. Such a fun night.
March 2nd was another morning of work, and another full afternoon and evening of classes. Blah.
March 3rd began with more morning work, and then rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection. Then, I went with a group of friends to see Pippin. So very, very little clothing, eee...hahaha, the dancing during the bedroom scene, my GOODNESS did I ever laugh! The musicals that MMT puts on seem to have been getting progressively better - that is, the ones I've seen. I missed The Wiz last year, pooh.
March 4th was marked by tag-team rehearsing - first for As You Like It, and then Pursuit Of Perfection. Ah, exhaustion.
March 5th started with a very early morning rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection again, and then work with Julia all afternoon. I don't think I've worked with her since then, and apparently she's not going to be around for the summer! Bah.
I had a super late rehearsal on the 6th, for Pursuit Of Perfection again - 10pm! So laaate, whyyy...
On the 7th, I had a full day - rehearsals, classes...and a meeting which made for one very unimpressed girl, oh man. Jumping through the right hoops no longer means the same thing in this faculty, it seems. I came to this school for a reason, and now that reason is changing. I'll get my way, regardless - I'll fight to do so, again - but it's just unfortunate that these changes had to be made now.
Always fighting. It's not that I should have these things, it's that I'm determined to get what I ought to receive.
Stuck.
Anyway.
March 8th was our final dress rehearsal for Pursuit Of Perfection, and it went pretty well. Aside from ridiculously uncontrolled sound volumes, but hey, that's what rehearsals are meant for - to figure these things out, right? So it would seem, anyway.
March 9th was our first show, a matinee. Aside from forgetting to set one of my major props and having to dash off like mad to get it in time (OOPS), everything went wonderfully...well, actually, until the end, when the music volume was so loud during my final, very emotional scene...and it completely threw me off. I forgot the end of my last line of the entire show, and said something that made little sense, delayed, in place of it. As soon as I turned my back to walk away after the bow, I was sobbing. Ugh. Frustration.
So many familiar faces in the audience - Darby, Amelia, an abundance of classmates...support far beyond my gratitude.
That night, I went to Tap Haus after my night class to celebrate Sophie's birthday. It was a week prior, but no fun was lost! I only had one drink - I got chocolate martinis for myself and my lady Sophie - but hoooly crap was it ever strong, haha.
The next night (10th) was our second of three shows for Pursuit Of Perfection. The sound levels were better, thankfully. I could actually GET INTO character because I could focus during that scene, phew. I'm glad that was the show that was recorded, and not any of the other ones, haha...regardless of the fact that I forgot, yet again, to set a prop. A different one, but still. Hahaha. I heard sniffling throughout the audience; success. Also, the director (Heather) told me that her mother attended that show, and I apparently made her cry.
So huge.
The 11th brought a supremely long rehearsal for As You Like It...I was up far before dawn...eek. I had to leave rehearsal earlier than almost everyone else, for a quick run back to the stupid library...so sick of research essays, even though this one is the only one I've had this term, bah. Ruining my life. I managed to find two books on separate floors juuust before the library closed, thank goodness. Then, I dashed home to finish getting ready for the show I had that night.
I brought the cast pre-show celebratory shots, haha...good times. The show went really well, too. We invited all of the other casts + crews to our party, as our show and the show we were slotted with for the week were the last shows of the Directors' Series for the year. As per my prior major involvement in the Series, for the cast party, I brought and consumed another entire bottle of red wine. Uh, yeah...probably would've been a good idea to eat a FULL, REAL meal sometime throughout the day. I was home by 2am because of that, haha. It was a really fun party though! Shane's house was so packed that it was nearly impossible to move anywhere, hah! So much fun.
The next day (12th) I worked with Zach, and managed to survive my hangover, ha.
I felt strangely nauseous again on the following day, the 13th, so I skipped both of my classes that day. I missed going to the Phoenix with Cockett and my stage management class, baw.
The next morning (14th) I worked, then I had an interview...cross your fingers, I could really use that money. Phew. That afternoon and evening, more classes - both of which I wrote essays for. Both written the night prior. How I manage to do this, every time, I don't know. But I do. And, I get pretty awesome marks. Hah.
...So ready for school to be over for a while.
That night, actually, my night class professor decided to nap...and effectively slept through the first few hours of class, hahaha. Lisa invited me over to her place so I could watch Eyes Wide Shut - she had rented it, and we were required to watch it on our own time for said class. I still don't like Tom Cruise, bah. That night, we realized that her project partner Gabe is the same Gabe that used to be in As You Like It. He came over to Lisa's place to hang out with us; we went out for bubble tea, and ended up on a late, aimless drive, sitting silently amid blaring music and high speeds. And I could feel home again.
Stuck.
The next day (the 15th), following night class, I was determined to stay in and write an essay due the next day. Where did I end up? Hanging out with my pretend-adopted-baby-brother Phil, and Kevin and Brandon at Harvest Burger. I AM THE WORST STUDENT. The veggie burger combo I got was fucking tasty, though.
I procrastinated some more when I got home, and then decided that a nap was in order. I napped, and then began writing the essay in the wee hours of the morning. A few hours later, it was done.
...Seems I can't do schoolwork anymore unless some sort of self-torture is involved now.
That morning (the 16th, technically) I worked from 10 until 2pm. Classes and such, and then a trip to Rick's house for a movie night! Aside from Rick and myself, there was Monica and her sister Josie, Julie Ella and her sister Céline, and Noa. I fell asleep during the ending of The Usual Suspects, haha I'm awesome. Then we watched Amélie, and then I fell asleep when we started watching Moulin Rouge. Half-asleep, Rick guided me to the room I then slept in. I remember half-waking to watch him clear the bed for me, haha awww. The next morning, Noa + Julie Ella + Céline had left mega early for prior engagements, so that left myself, Monica, Josie, as well as Rick. We ended up making an impromptu trip to Ikea for some food - I ended up just eating two frozen yogurt cones, haha - and then Rick brought everyone back into Hamilton.
I was far too late getting home to join Lisa as she got her latest tattoo, though. Bah.
I worked that night, from 5pm until 9pm. Then I travelled over to Rebecca's house so we could head out to celebrate St. Patrick's Day...only to realize that we had earlier agreed that she and Monica would meet me at my house. Haha, I'm dumb. I waited at her place, though, and they met me there. Apparently the house party/kegger that Rick had suggested ended up being pretty lame. So, we decided to meet up with a big group of Rebecca's friends at Ramshead. Among those friends was Jordan, who finally learned who Mystery Girl was, hahaha!
That place was PACKED, holy crap. I definitely planned on just having fun and not drinking, as I had rehearsal early the next morning. Rebecca bought a pitcher to share between herself and Monica; after pouring a glass for herself, and then one for Monica, Rebecca then sat the pitcher down in front of me...so I was pretty much coerced into drinking, hahaha. Later, I ran into Rachel at the pub (she's doing costume stuff for As You Like It) and she bought shots for both of us...I owe that girl, haha. She seems like such a fun girl!
Lots of dancing and madness later, we all decided to leave. On my way out, I realized I had lost my wallet...bargh. Thankfully, I found it after about five minutes of searching - I am so luckyyy. Stupid tight jeans and small pockets!
We went to the guys' house, where smoking of illicit substances and the playing of videogames ensued. Holy crap, was I ever gone. Around 2am, Rebecca and Monica and I headed home.
...Just before I turned onto my street, I realized that a wallet was absent from my pocket again. SO COLD AND FRUSTRATING. I was so intoxicated that I had to head back to Rebecca's house to bother her for directions back...I'm surprised I even found the house again, at that. So, so wrecked. I got there, though, and my wallet was exactly where I figured it would be - sitting on the couch that I was on earlier. Bah. I stayed for a moment to warm up, and then headed all the way back home again.
The next morning (the 18th), rehearsal began super early, as per usual...bargh. It went pretty well though - I've finally, FINALLY nailed my lines. Ah, Shakespeare, you wordy fellow. Next time, I memorize DAYS after receiving my script...procrastination kept biting me in the ass, here, hahaha.
The 19th brought about another shift with good ol' Zach, haha. I like working with him lately, it's been so much more fun than when we'd mostly bicker. We still argue from time to time, but it's more lighthearted now, thankfully!
On the 20th, post-class, I had my first two of five auditions for plays for this year's Summer Drama Festival...fingers crossed, yet again. I will be so happy if I am part of one of the casts again. So far, all of the plays sound like productions I'd gladly dedicate my (summer) life to, my goodness. Fingers crossed...
The morning of the 21st was met with more work, and then classes all day. I went to bed really early that night, mostly on account of the medication I took that night...stupid sneezing and stuffy nose and grossness. I slept for like 12 hours though, so that was good - woke up feeling 50% better!
Then, yesterday began with a visit from my mom! She brought me perogies, awww. We also went to the grocery store together, and spent some time here at my place for a while. I've missed her, baw. It was so good to spend time with her again.
I took a long bath after she left, effectively skipping my afternoon class...fuck, seriously, fucking classes. I went to my night class, though, since I'll be missing next week's class for opening night of my show. Haha oops.
I drank a can of Red Bull around 6:30pm last night. Then I wasted a lot of time when I got home, doing a lot of nothing. Then I "napped" for a while. For too long, at that.
I've been up since around 6:30/7am this morning.
And now I've written this entry.
...I have an essay due Monday, one more due by April 5th, and a big portfolio type thing due this Monday as well. I can't motivate myself to do these things now, before tech week starts for As You Like It. Not at all.
I'm stuck.
Everything is just flying past me - always flying out of my hands. I can never catch up. Only reminiscing. Always analyzing. Moving forward, but barely moving. Barely doing and rarely sleeping. Bored and inspired - can't just get up and leave, but can't merely sit and stare, either.
I am so motivated to write a fucking play, but I can't. I simply can't.
Stuck.
...This is really just how I roll.
I just wish summer would fucking be here already.
Here goes the typical day-to-day recap:
February 1st I had a number of rehearsals, a number of classes; February 2nd looked very much the same.
On the 3rd, I had rehearsals all morning, and then work all evening. I was too tired to go to a show that night...bah.
The next day, I worked all day.
The 5th was finally the beginning of tech week for the play I stage managed.
The following week centred around my stage management duties. If I wasn't in class, I was probably in the theatre, or running my ass around campus to get everything ready on time.
And, I nearly lost my brain.
...And because of how stressed I became, I actually began a brief stint with SMOKING! Ugh! I'd like to stay partially accustomed to it, as the play I'm acting in (coming up soon) requires me to smoke - and I hate when people inhale unlit cigarettes onstage, good glory - but these occasional affairs with tobacco have to stop. It's making me feel like shit.
Anyway.
I didn't work again until the 9th. Stupid bank account. I hate that I'm burdening my coworkers.
On the 10th, I had another rehearsal for the play I'm acting in. It didn't go perfectly, but it looks damned promising. I'm pretty excited for it. Also that day, we had two performances for the play I stage managed.
The next day (the 11th), I woke up very early, nearly collapsing...and had a major breakdown.
My heart knows what isn't right.
Julie Ella helped put a few pieces back into their right spots, though. I can't thank her enough...I don't think I realize just how valuable her friendship is to me, sometimes. Goodness.
That night was the final performance requiring my stage management duties.
It's over, it's over, it's over.
Prior to the cast party, I joined Juliana, her friend, and Monica, for a drive-and-smoke. Good times. After MUCH driving back and forth to an empty-looking house, we dropped Monica off at home, as she had a long day ahead of her. We finally approached the house later on, and realized that the party was in fact there! The blinds suggested otherwise, hah. I remember Juli and her lady leaving after only a short while - stupid clocks, why must you exist? I drank an entire bottle of red wine, and apparently was carrying the empty bottle around for a while, calling it "my trophy." I smoked more later. Michael, who's in As You Like It with me, offered a seat in his cab to me, even though I didn't have any money for it - and my house is DEFINITELY not en route to his. He said I could just buy him a beer sometime to make up for it, and I think I shall.
In the end, I finally felt relaxed again.
So nice.
The next day (the 12th), I went to campus to see Monica in the Vagina Monologues. She was WAY too funny. Anjie was amazing in it too. It was a really long show, but above all, very well done.
On the 13th, I scrambled like crazy to finish my SOCS rep application form following my first of two classes for the day. I did it! My audition is on Friday, and I still haven't decided what to do for it, hm...
Yesterday, I worked in the morning. Lisa came to visit, and she shared pizza with me - so nice of her. Jen told stories about her visit to the doctor, and I pretended to be her unborn baby's voice, hahaha.
I had a midterm that afternoon. We were given an hour to write it; I was done after about 20 minutes, heh. Then I had night class. I left early 'cause I fell asleep during the first half of the lecture, bah.
Miranda was waiting outside for Monica and I. We travelled to my house, and then started walking in the direction of Matt's house to meet up with him. Then we went to Snooty. I got superdrunk. I danced. I managed to get a boy to get up and dance with me for a bit, hahaha. I also sang Wish You Were Here with the guy that was playing acoustic all night, so that was extra fun.
And it's odd - since school started, I've actively picked up any bit of change I've seen on the ground. I decided to do an experiment, of sorts...I don't even know why. Any money I found, I started to save in a shot glass, but then I had to transfer it to a plastic rainbow-colored slinky on my desk. And as Matt and I walked Monica home from last night, I found a five dollar bill. Gosh.
Afterward, Matt walked me home, and I went straight to bed.
I got just over eight hours of sleep last night...so nice. So needed. I had rehearsal for a couple hours today, and then I had class all evening. I'll be napping shortly. Then I'll be pulling an all-nighter to just hammer out a take-home midterm that's one whole week past due, now.
These past few weeks have been so ridiculously trying.
I'm always so pressed for time, always travelling to the next place I have to be; rarely having time to stop, or to reflect.
When I take a mere moment to do so, it's always vague, always cryptic...
Not now.
Well, not as greatly, at least.
be careful...
forward!
onward!
Many months ago, I realized I was in love with a boy.
I've always been so skeptical of relationships in so many different ways. Marriage, that it may be a cloudy union. Mere dating, that it may be baseless or pointless. And so it goes.
certainly
promise
definitely
This skepticism roots itself in the fear that I will be trapped in a loveless relationship. But how can you be trapped if you're avoiding relationships entirely? You can't.
So I kept my mouth shut.
three weeks...
Before it even happened, I was given a reason to shy away from it. ['Our faiths are not the same.' 'I can't.' 'I'm sorry.']
Same lyrics, different artists. Melody, harmony.
Distances extended until almost complete absences were drawn.
My heart started to say something.
Then, a return.
I kept my mouth shut for months.
I tried to distract myself on frivolous connections.
Distractions provide no permanence, it seems.
No more, I said...
I don't know if that's true.
I acknowledged what was there, and what was not.
I still don't know how to express how truly thankful I was to have what I had.
It became easier to simply ignore what I could never say.
distance - don't think
it really is better, it really is okay
it isn't the same,
minds just won't change
but there's nothing wrong with what is there
when you know what is, what isn't,
and know the distance between the two.
One innocent moment -
[You're so beautiful...I can see you all at once...you're so close, and you're so beautiful.]
...Did you just hesitate?
Did you just try to respond?
Don't hesitate. Don't respond. Don't let him feel oncoming tears.
It is what it is, and nothing more. He knows that. You do, too.
Nothing more.
As time passed, disregard took less active thought to occur.
It became natural to ignore what couldn't be said - what shouldn't be said.
Calling back so suddenly, one night.
One long phone conversation reminded a heart of everything it was fighting to forget about.
Suddenly, words were not about what was, but what should have been.
More distance set; more absences drawn.
Time passing, stumbling to keep up.
Then...another return.
I knew not to read anything into it - it happened once before, after all. It was what it was, and nothing more.
Then, somewhere along the line, I realized exactly where I stood...and I was happy.
My heart was so thankful that I figured it out.
I finally knew I was pursuing honest intentions, and that I could continue to do so.
Through this realization, though, came an even scarier one.
Smiling, warmth, respect...it all started to cancel out.
I was keeping my mouth shut.
I had realized that a moment came, and a moment was shared;
a moment passed, and a moment was disregarded.
One moment missed means so much.
I still had to tread carefully - so ready, yet so skeptical, so fearful...
Tears turning into giggles,
sharing secrets, smiles.
In my heart, I had to acknowledge what was - but also, what should have been.
Then I realized that there was simply nothing I could do.
Faces only tolerable in shadows; memorizing lines and creases with fingertips.
That blurry sort of dizzy feeling.
That sense of imploding.
Feelings one never needs.
So many secrets, piled up in one heart,
only stacking up higher, higher.
I will annoy you; I will frustrate you; I will piss you off;
I will do whatever it takes to push you out of my life forever -
because I can't just stand by,
and watch you date other girls,
watch you fall in love with another girl...
My heart simply cannot take it.
And, if I stay, nothing changes for you.
Nothing will truly change in your heart, if I stay -
because your perspective has been steady, all along,
and my presence marks no loss.
[I won't let you push me away...you can try, but I won't let you.]
Watch me.
Like a mantra, telling myself I'd make it;
the risk of implosion deep-seated like scars,
daily doses of awareness - you can't ignore this, now...
Unfortunate information manifesting in cowardly manners.
Implode, explode - the calm after the storm.
Hearts seem to have surrendered themselves elsewhere.
He has moved on.
Then, of course, coincidence strikes - and eyes meet across rooms.
He was there, with a housemate.
He saw my eyes, but he really should've seen what happened beneath my ribs. Sometimes, eyes can distort the greater picture.
I don't know how to fix how I feel.
I should have given greater regard to Rahim's words when he shared them with me, months ago:
Here's a universal truth that has seen me through 31 years of hearing this from women countless times (like I heard it when I was five, I know, but you get the point...)
You can have the greatest chemistry in all things with a man (like you seemingly have with this individual...)
But under no circumstances should you let yourself mourn someone who does not fully surrender to you. I can understand why, and it should hurt, and you've got to cry and process it out whatever way serves you (I dance and write things into oblivion, for example...)
I am so tired of guys (because guys only do it in my immediate experience) who, when faced with the true reality (I believe in a god that wants us to surrender to our earthly desires btw - someone should write a bible with that in mind...)
When faced with something that will absolutely love them...
I am so tired of guys who will turn away from that.
You don't deserve ambiguity. I don't need to know you to know you're beautiful, intelligent, and passionate.
If someone, even for a moment, hesitates, then they are not anything of permanence (if permanence is what you want, but even then, that hesitation will show up in everything else eventually...)
The ONLY lover anyone should fully surrender to is someone who will surrender to you, and I know it's tough, and I know you're hurting and you have a lot of pain to endure, no doubt, over this.
But he's not the one, and the world is full of lovers dying to know someone like you.
And the sooner you let him go, the sooner you open your heart to that possibility.
But you will have to let him go.
Perhaps he'll find his way back to you, but if he does, he better act like the warrior you are.
Yes, he was so intertwined with you in so many wonderful ways, but not in the way that truly counted.
His heart was elsewhere.
A real man sees a girl like you and forgets about god, or the universe, or whatever.
It only should be you.
So mourn whatever you have to mourn, but girlfriend, this was just an exercise for what is to come.
And what is to come will be far beyond anything you experienced in this.
Surrender to THAT.
...But I didn't.
In the wake of this, will I? Well, I'll sure try.
He left before I sang last night.
It's odd...whenever life seems to get more difficult, more trying, I find larger amounts of money. Every single time things get tougher, the bits of change I find are so much greater in value - the few quarters I found as tech week got progressively hectic, for example.
I found a five dollar bill last night.
Many months ago, I realized I was in love with a boy.
I kept my mouth shut.
I should've kept it shut, changed my mind.