centric
turn on the lights!/our eyes are tired
Well, I made it...
The bloodwork I had to have done over a month ago was to see if I had mono. Which I didn't...thankfully, I suppose. But I actually cried when the results came back negative. I sobbed.
Had it been mono, it would've meant time off - from school, work. No two ways about it.
Instead, it meant I would get better, sooner, and had to struggle through it anyway.
It wasn't fun. Not in the slightest.
You can't ask for empathy, it's true. It's either there, or it's not.
After the bloodwork, I may or may not have gone to class. The illness and passing of time has blurred my memory. I worked that night, though.
The next day (Nov. 23rd) I opened the store in the morning. Missed an audition that I made up for later in the week - wasting my time, regardless. Pulled off a last minute group presentation, which I later learned I received full marks for. Awww yeah. Then I had another Henry V show.
The following day I missed another audition, entirely. No way to make up for that one. Ah, well. Probably for the best. Another Henry V show. Missed Jon Rae & The River/Barmitzvah Brothers at the Casbah that night...I bet it was good. Damn...
Opened the store the next day (the 25th). Another audition. Another Henry V show, that night.
That weekend marked the last three shows for Henry V.
That show is going to be hard to surpass, this next little while.
So huge...
The Sunday night (27th) that weekend, post-show, was our cast party. I brought no substances of any sort with me, and left feeling wonderfully inebriated. Some of the pictures are absolutely priceless, hah. Cockett seemed to really like his scrapbook! I made my page pretty much at the last minute, but I really liked it in the end. I friggin' miss the cast, so much.
Work, work, work. Essays, essays, essays. More pointless auditions. HONESTLY, if you're going to cast your friends just say so. If you already have someone else in mind, JUST SAY SO. I may feel that theatre should work differently, but if that's your approach, I don't care. Just don't be a fucking pussy about it. Good? Good. Ha. :)
Oh, ever since the show's been over, there have been a few Henry V pub outings, hahaha. So awesome. We're totally never going to be able to get over each other...
December 3rd brought about a fairly long day of rehearsal for As You Like It. On my way home, I stopped by the dollar store to frantically obtain things for my 3XX3 acting class final, and picked up some Christmas supplies as well. Also along the way, I had to stop by Damon's house...I owe that boy. He lent me several well-needed books for our essay for that class. He didn't seem to mind in the slightest, but I'm so unbelievably thankful that I borrowed them. I won't forget that. Awesome of him.
So I finally made it home, and got ready for the evening. We were having a shot line run for As You Like It. Dustin was able to pick me up and take me there (I had asked), so he came to get me. I wasn't ready, as per my usual. Hah. Alanna had a number of family members over, and I felt embarrassed that I was just rushing around, not really talking to them - barely being a good housemate. Argh. It was her brother's birthday though, so I'm sure they didn't notice my lack of company too too much. Dustin showed them some magic card tricks before we left, and totally won everybody over. Hah. Too much fun!
I wasn't going to drink at the shot line run (they had non-alcohol options for those that didn't want booze if they effed up a line), but I caved, hah. Then I got SO SO SO drunk. Oh man. We had a huge spoonfest at one point, random! Haha. This cast is clicking too, and so early! I love it.
I worked the next day...unfortunately, hah.
The following week, though, was the worst. Probably the worst of the term...
I remember consecutive near all-nighters (see: short "naps" at "night"), and I remember...doing a lot. Ugh. No time to pause - no time! Go, go!
Amelia ended up sleeping over the night before my 3XX3 final, and helped me with all of the last minute (and yet absolutely necessary) preparations. Angie came out to help too...also, my friends Bryan and Christine helped me out at the last minute. I would've been real screwed without these four, I don't doubt that in the slightest. I can't doubt it. Oh boy.
We didn't even rehearse it once.
I performed (a slightly modified version of) Beckett's Act Without Words. After seeking musical selection assistance from Jeff (ha), I played "Memento Mori" by Matmos in the background. If Beckett wanted the piece to be humorous, my performance sure as hell wasn't what he would've expected.
...And I felt fucking amazing, the whole time.
Jess and I went to Adrian's place later, for a bit of a readthrough-callback. GOSH it was so much fun...stupid unfortunate scheduling. I wish I was playing that role.
I still know I would've been better anyway. Ha.
No ego, here. None needed.
Sometime after that, I went back to Commons Basement to catch the last few performance finals. And then...I don't remember what happened the rest of that day.
Go, go...
I worked the morning of the 7th, and had my first exam that night. I didn't really study...fucking exams. I didn't even really care about them, this year. I had enough stress in other areas of my life to even bother caring, ha. I memorized a ridiculous anagram-like thing to help me remember articles and their authors, but that was it. Ugh...I can't help it. I'm being forced to write about shit that, honestly, I just don't care about all that much. In light of other aspects of my life, really.
Anyway.
The next day, I had to hand in a stupid take home exam.
The following day (the 9th), I had to return to campus to pick up marked items that the professor didn't have ready for me the day prior. Stupid. Also stupid: how terribly low she marks. FUCK YOU, MARK ME AS LOW AS YOU WANT, I don't care. I don't care I don't care I don't care. I still passed. Also, I'll be fine after university. So, ha.
It's remarkable to realize how I don't quite care much about school anymore.
Obtaining a degree, sure...but putting in as little effort as possible to get it.
Hah.
The next day (the 10th) marked my last exam of the term.
GOODBYE TERM AND FUCK YOUUU.
I didn't study for it. Well I did, but not frantically so, yet again.
Ah, university...
If my memory serves me correctly, I took a bus from campus straight to the liquor store, hah. Then on the way back, I stopped by the pharmacy, before it closed, to pick up some hair dye. I dyed it the same dark shade as last year...but it looked even darker this year, ha! So much more dramatic. Weird. I also did it entirely on my own, hahaha. Good fun.
Erica was too ill/busy to hangout that night, as planned, so we rescheduled.
The next day (11th) I worked, with Emily. What an awesome girl! She'll be fun to work with more, that's for sure.
That night, Jeffrey came to Hamilton!!! Yayayayayay. He brought his friend Nolan with him, too. We all went to the Casbah...a long, long search for parking actually was worthwhile - we hadn't missed a single thing by the time we got in, and we didn't waste too much time waiting for the show to start. Perfect!
Winter Equinox opened, and played a great set. I preferred their videos of patterns and such, to those of real life subjects. Interesting overall, regardless.
Holy Fuck played next...and I fucking lost it. I could barely lift my lower jaw. Sexiest music I've heard in a while, gosh. Grrrowf.
Then came Caribou. The beginning of their set proved especially hilarious, as the place was full of loud conversations...and they began very loudly, without warning; two drummers smashing away = yeah...VERY loud. Jeff went "WAAAH!" really abruptly, as he was startled. Which, of course, made me laugh like crazy. Ahaha. What a talented group of musicians, my goodness. And their DVD, which was playing in the background...oh man, too much. They were really good.
Near the merch table, I bumped heads with a boy...somehow, hahaha. We apologized though, and kept going on our respective paths. I borrowed five dollars from Jeff for a shirt (stupid not-working ATMs, grrr). After I bought my shirt, I turned around and called out (something to the effect of) "who did I just bump heads with?" A boy turned around and said it was him. We introduced ourselves; it was Brian Borcherdt hahaha. He's a supernice boy!
I don't remember what I did on the 12th. At all.
The 13th, though, was my first opening shift following Jen's return to manage the store! Yayayayay. Instead of working until 2, I ended up staying until 5. I still feel like I don't catch up with her enough. Still! So awesome to have her back.
The next day (14th) I had to get up early, just to go to campus...blurgh. I got my Henry V sweater, though, and it's fucking nice. Ha. I worked with Emily again that night. Good fun all around.
Greg got too stoned to smoke up with me the next day (hahaha) so our plans were postponed indefinitely. I went to the Pepper Jack Cafe that night (15th). Picastro couldn't make it because of the stupid snow, boo. I had some pretty awesome garlic bread, ha. Alive & Living were super pretty though. So so pretty. And Great Lake Swimmers were overwhelming, as per usual. Tony played his Joni Mitchell cover again. So good, gosh. I made it to the last bus in just enough time that night...phew.
I had an appointment the next day, a few hours before work. Pointless, hahaha...
I went to the Casbah that night (16th) for Sonic Unyon's Christmas party show. Sooo much fun. I got there to see Sailboats Are White's last few songs. They're messy boys, hahaha. Cursed played after that. That was the first time I've ever seen them: gosh those boys are talented. Don Vail played next, and were pretty as usual. Then I FINALLY broke my curse with A Northern Chorus!!! They were incredible.
...At that point, I think, I snuck down to the lounge. Jon Rae was playing a solo set. I had asked him earlier in the night if he'd be playing his song Two Hands, and he said he probably would. I told him I'd really like it if he did, 'cause it was my favorite of his, and I knew most of the words, and I wanted to sing along with him. He said that'd be great, and that he really would play it.
So I got there in the middle of one of his songs, and then someone asked him to play Two Hands. I didn't miss it! Actually, partway through the song I just started singing really loud, even though I was shy at first. I even got the whole room clapping along. Since it was getting louder and livelier, about halfway through, he unplugged his guitar and just went for it. He faced me, and we really played with harmonies and shit. Broke my heart in the BEST way. I got SO SCARED! But then I was like, fuck it, who cares...so I belted it out along with him. Ugh it was so awesome. So much fun! What a huge voice, gosh...
I still caught Alive & Living, after that. Seeing them two nights in a row was really nice. The Inflation Kills played after that...but not for long, pooh. Stupid crowd, and stupid sickness in Phil's body, and stupid...crowd, baw. At least I could still get some water at that point.
I worked with Jen on the 17th, wee! Weird shift though, hahaha. "Christmas rush" my butt. Hah.
I joined Erica and Allison, and their friend (whose name is currently escaping me...argh) on a trip to Slainte. It was weird - I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to go out that night, but then I realized that I could afford to..I finally had time to have fun. So I went...but sometime after getting there, I broke down. Nothing particularly sparked it; so strange. I had to go home though, I definitely couldn't stay. I cried the whole way home too. I dunno. I don't think I'll ever figure out what happened. The short time I spent with them, though, was definitely fun.
The next day (18th) Steve planned a surprise birthday party for his brother (and my friend, ha) Bryan, at Boston Pizza. Everyone met up there, and then Steve called home saying that he "wasn't feeling well" and needed to be picked up. Their parents drove out to Boston Pizza, bringing Bryan along so he would have to run in and find "sick" Steve. Ha. His expression was PRICELESS when he saw the longgg table full of us! Everyone was buying him shots, and since he had already had dinner at home (pooh) I bought him dessert instead. :) So much fun!
The next day I went shopping with Erica! It was good to FINALLY get to catch up with her. I bought myself a lot of Christmas presents, hah.
That night, Deryk came over and brought Almost Famous. Cute little movie. Good to finally meet him! Hahaha.
The next day (20th) I worked with Caitlin. She's a nice girl!
I opened the store the next day, and then rushed home. I wasn't at all ready to go home for the night, but I managed eventually. Mandi had a bit of a highschool reunion Christmas dinner at her house. Cindy and Tristan brought their kids with them...goshhh how time passes. I saw Ty! Yayayayay. Feleisha and Jeff were there, and so were Rae and Ashley, Shelley, obviously Mandi's mom and Egon, hahaha. Gosh, I'm definitely forgetting people, I know it. It was so awesome to see everyone, regardless. I got a touch drunk and ate too much, ha.
My uncle gave me a ride back to Hamilton...I was back here by 5am the next morning, UGH. There wasn't going to be anything keeping me from that get-together, though. :)
I worked with Jen that day (22nd). Another weirdo shift. Joe bought a bunch of DVDs...all of which I definitely resurfaced for him. Ha, lame. Anyway, he joined me here and we took some time catching up, some time hashing out ideas, as we usually do. It was good to spend time with him again.
Mike visited that night, for the first time in around a month. It was good to see him again! Glad we got to catch up before Christmas.
I had to open the store the next morning (23rd), boo. That night was Lisa's birthday. She had a potluck at her house, and then (after MUCH deliberation, hahaha) we ended up at Absinthe. I left a touch early, on account of the fact that I had to work the next day...all day. Argh.
Yep, working on Christmas Eve...good times. Well, it was fun overall, but I was way too anxious to get home. I hadn't been home in months...and that brief stop on the 21st didn't exactly feel like being home.
That night, though, was great. Michael and Diana lifted my spirits. My mom bought a couch! We're steps away from a full living room again, gosh. Dinner was hilarious - especially Michael loudly shouting "HEYYY...'top it." Ha, what a cute boy. GOSH I'VE MISSED HIM SO MUCHHH. I can't wait to see him in the shirt I got him, haha. Oh man, watching Michael opening presents was hilarious. Running him back and forth to my dad was pretty funny too. And Diana...gosh, that girl and her cute baby faces. Those kids make me so happy.
The next day was relaxed, and nice. As Christmas Day should be! As per usual, we had dinner at my aunt Mariya and uncle Stanley's house that day, along with their good friends. My aunt kinda forgot that I don't eat meat, again, so it was pretty tricky to hide the fact that I was upset. The cakes were fine by me though, hahaha. All in all, good times!
On Boxing Day, of course, we got to the mall (ahem, shortly after) nine. And, of course, the majority of stores weren't open until ten...lame. I FINALLY bought new jeans...I've worn the crotch right out of my favorite pair of jeans (that I got in grade 11, hah) so it was about time I got a new pair, hahaha. I also spent about A HUNDRED AND SIXTY DOLLARS AT LA SENZA LKABFNOLAJBN. Oh man. I'm definitely obsessed with buying underthings, aaah.
Later that day, my younger brother and I went to Simcoe. We stopped by Blockbuster to visit Perry (I brought him candy canes, yay!) and then we went to our annual family gathering at my aunt Teresa's house...and I actually saw a number of my family members this year. Gosh, it felt nice. Last year made me kinda sad, but this was so good. Aside from the awkward/uncomfortable moments, of course. But that's family, right? Living through those moments, and just loving.
Just loving.
That night I called around, and figured out that Scott went to Swazzee's. I went there, and looked for him right away, finding him shortly thereafter. He...walked me up to the bar right away, hah. So much alcohol in such a short span of time, oh boy. It was good to hang out with him again!
It was weird, though, to see so many familiar faces that night. I thought Pumpkinfest was weird, seeing so many faces from high school...but that night, I saw people from even EARLIER high school years! So so so strange.
Actually, I talked to Evan for the first time in ages! Apparently he didn't believe that it was me right away...and, apparently, others were asking him who he was talking to, and then didn't believe that it was me. Ha, good times. It was great to talk to him again. He's moved to Calgary! Gosh.
There's something I can't describe, neither properly nor sufficiently, about how it feels to talk to someone I used to have such a crush on. I was so young and immature, and he was that cute older boy. Ha. It sounds so silly to write about. And it was such a silly crush! I was all emo over him before it was all flippy black hair and shitty nautical star tattoos, bahaha. Wait, that's probably a bad analogy. Hah. I don't know. I'm glad that I saw him. Maybe I'll see him again, who knows?
I do know, though, that it felt really fucking awesome to know that I am where I am...
I am who I am...
and that I got here.
The next day (27th) I had an eye appointment...good times. I'm going to have green eyes soon, whoaaa lookout. Two seperate shades, at that! I came back to Hamilton that evening. Mike visited again, and brought a pizza this time, hahaha! It's been great to get to spend so much time with everybody lately, now that I can afford to do so.
I had to work on the 28th, and then again yesterday. After work, I felt weird about getting on the bus alone (I really need to shake that already), so I missed out on the party Mandy held at her apartment in Toronto. Pooh. I still had fun last night - Lisa and I went to Pepper Jack's to celebrate Jackson's birthday! So many hilarious pictures. So many AWESOME pictures! I remember very little details, beyond having fun. Hah. Neil Haverty sang to music he had on his iPod, through a phone. Badass. And...a band played. Hahaha shit...yep, good times. :)
And then I came home, and put on my new tank + undies set.
I went to bed sometime shortly thereafter.
I slept for a long, long time.
I've been lounging around the house all day. Eating whatever I want, as much as I want.
I'm still just wearing the set, ha.
Tomorrow I have to work. Nine to five...yeah, pretty lame.
I still don't exactly know what I'm doing to ring in the New Year. We'll see what happens, where I end up.
Psh. I'm going to go find a snack. And then I should go to bed, hah.
...I should make note, though.
While drinking in the tub the other day (ha), I realized something.
2005 was a year full of selfish assholes - some broke my heart, others used it.
So many people simply do not know what they want out of life.
I, however, do.
I've been pursuing it all along.
And as the years continue to pass, I'm still going to.
I've recently stopped giving apologies.
I've recently stopped giving explanations.
I am who I am - and I'm not going to try to ruin anybody along the way.
If you want to ruin yourselves, fine.
But know that if you hurt me along the way, I can hurt you harder.
And I will, I promise you that. If you do, then I will.
Treat me the way you want to be treated, because I'll always treat you that way.
You can't ask to be loved.
I wrote it well over a year ago, and it still rings true.
And, a year later, I made it.
I made it.
...And I'm still fucking finding baby smiles. Who would've thought?
The bloodwork I had to have done over a month ago was to see if I had mono. Which I didn't...thankfully, I suppose. But I actually cried when the results came back negative. I sobbed.
Had it been mono, it would've meant time off - from school, work. No two ways about it.
Instead, it meant I would get better, sooner, and had to struggle through it anyway.
It wasn't fun. Not in the slightest.
You can't ask for empathy, it's true. It's either there, or it's not.
After the bloodwork, I may or may not have gone to class. The illness and passing of time has blurred my memory. I worked that night, though.
The next day (Nov. 23rd) I opened the store in the morning. Missed an audition that I made up for later in the week - wasting my time, regardless. Pulled off a last minute group presentation, which I later learned I received full marks for. Awww yeah. Then I had another Henry V show.
The following day I missed another audition, entirely. No way to make up for that one. Ah, well. Probably for the best. Another Henry V show. Missed Jon Rae & The River/Barmitzvah Brothers at the Casbah that night...I bet it was good. Damn...
Opened the store the next day (the 25th). Another audition. Another Henry V show, that night.
That weekend marked the last three shows for Henry V.
That show is going to be hard to surpass, this next little while.
So huge...
The Sunday night (27th) that weekend, post-show, was our cast party. I brought no substances of any sort with me, and left feeling wonderfully inebriated. Some of the pictures are absolutely priceless, hah. Cockett seemed to really like his scrapbook! I made my page pretty much at the last minute, but I really liked it in the end. I friggin' miss the cast, so much.
Work, work, work. Essays, essays, essays. More pointless auditions. HONESTLY, if you're going to cast your friends just say so. If you already have someone else in mind, JUST SAY SO. I may feel that theatre should work differently, but if that's your approach, I don't care. Just don't be a fucking pussy about it. Good? Good. Ha. :)
Oh, ever since the show's been over, there have been a few Henry V pub outings, hahaha. So awesome. We're totally never going to be able to get over each other...
December 3rd brought about a fairly long day of rehearsal for As You Like It. On my way home, I stopped by the dollar store to frantically obtain things for my 3XX3 acting class final, and picked up some Christmas supplies as well. Also along the way, I had to stop by Damon's house...I owe that boy. He lent me several well-needed books for our essay for that class. He didn't seem to mind in the slightest, but I'm so unbelievably thankful that I borrowed them. I won't forget that. Awesome of him.
So I finally made it home, and got ready for the evening. We were having a shot line run for As You Like It. Dustin was able to pick me up and take me there (I had asked), so he came to get me. I wasn't ready, as per my usual. Hah. Alanna had a number of family members over, and I felt embarrassed that I was just rushing around, not really talking to them - barely being a good housemate. Argh. It was her brother's birthday though, so I'm sure they didn't notice my lack of company too too much. Dustin showed them some magic card tricks before we left, and totally won everybody over. Hah. Too much fun!
I wasn't going to drink at the shot line run (they had non-alcohol options for those that didn't want booze if they effed up a line), but I caved, hah. Then I got SO SO SO drunk. Oh man. We had a huge spoonfest at one point, random! Haha. This cast is clicking too, and so early! I love it.
I worked the next day...unfortunately, hah.
The following week, though, was the worst. Probably the worst of the term...
I remember consecutive near all-nighters (see: short "naps" at "night"), and I remember...doing a lot. Ugh. No time to pause - no time! Go, go!
Amelia ended up sleeping over the night before my 3XX3 final, and helped me with all of the last minute (and yet absolutely necessary) preparations. Angie came out to help too...also, my friends Bryan and Christine helped me out at the last minute. I would've been real screwed without these four, I don't doubt that in the slightest. I can't doubt it. Oh boy.
We didn't even rehearse it once.
I performed (a slightly modified version of) Beckett's Act Without Words. After seeking musical selection assistance from Jeff (ha), I played "Memento Mori" by Matmos in the background. If Beckett wanted the piece to be humorous, my performance sure as hell wasn't what he would've expected.
...And I felt fucking amazing, the whole time.
Jess and I went to Adrian's place later, for a bit of a readthrough-callback. GOSH it was so much fun...stupid unfortunate scheduling. I wish I was playing that role.
I still know I would've been better anyway. Ha.
No ego, here. None needed.
Sometime after that, I went back to Commons Basement to catch the last few performance finals. And then...I don't remember what happened the rest of that day.
Go, go...
I worked the morning of the 7th, and had my first exam that night. I didn't really study...fucking exams. I didn't even really care about them, this year. I had enough stress in other areas of my life to even bother caring, ha. I memorized a ridiculous anagram-like thing to help me remember articles and their authors, but that was it. Ugh...I can't help it. I'm being forced to write about shit that, honestly, I just don't care about all that much. In light of other aspects of my life, really.
Anyway.
The next day, I had to hand in a stupid take home exam.
The following day (the 9th), I had to return to campus to pick up marked items that the professor didn't have ready for me the day prior. Stupid. Also stupid: how terribly low she marks. FUCK YOU, MARK ME AS LOW AS YOU WANT, I don't care. I don't care I don't care I don't care. I still passed. Also, I'll be fine after university. So, ha.
It's remarkable to realize how I don't quite care much about school anymore.
Obtaining a degree, sure...but putting in as little effort as possible to get it.
Hah.
The next day (the 10th) marked my last exam of the term.
GOODBYE TERM AND FUCK YOUUU.
I didn't study for it. Well I did, but not frantically so, yet again.
Ah, university...
If my memory serves me correctly, I took a bus from campus straight to the liquor store, hah. Then on the way back, I stopped by the pharmacy, before it closed, to pick up some hair dye. I dyed it the same dark shade as last year...but it looked even darker this year, ha! So much more dramatic. Weird. I also did it entirely on my own, hahaha. Good fun.
Erica was too ill/busy to hangout that night, as planned, so we rescheduled.
The next day (11th) I worked, with Emily. What an awesome girl! She'll be fun to work with more, that's for sure.
That night, Jeffrey came to Hamilton!!! Yayayayayay. He brought his friend Nolan with him, too. We all went to the Casbah...a long, long search for parking actually was worthwhile - we hadn't missed a single thing by the time we got in, and we didn't waste too much time waiting for the show to start. Perfect!
Winter Equinox opened, and played a great set. I preferred their videos of patterns and such, to those of real life subjects. Interesting overall, regardless.
Holy Fuck played next...and I fucking lost it. I could barely lift my lower jaw. Sexiest music I've heard in a while, gosh. Grrrowf.
Then came Caribou. The beginning of their set proved especially hilarious, as the place was full of loud conversations...and they began very loudly, without warning; two drummers smashing away = yeah...VERY loud. Jeff went "WAAAH!" really abruptly, as he was startled. Which, of course, made me laugh like crazy. Ahaha. What a talented group of musicians, my goodness. And their DVD, which was playing in the background...oh man, too much. They were really good.
Near the merch table, I bumped heads with a boy...somehow, hahaha. We apologized though, and kept going on our respective paths. I borrowed five dollars from Jeff for a shirt (stupid not-working ATMs, grrr). After I bought my shirt, I turned around and called out (something to the effect of) "who did I just bump heads with?" A boy turned around and said it was him. We introduced ourselves; it was Brian Borcherdt hahaha. He's a supernice boy!
I don't remember what I did on the 12th. At all.
The 13th, though, was my first opening shift following Jen's return to manage the store! Yayayayay. Instead of working until 2, I ended up staying until 5. I still feel like I don't catch up with her enough. Still! So awesome to have her back.
The next day (14th) I had to get up early, just to go to campus...blurgh. I got my Henry V sweater, though, and it's fucking nice. Ha. I worked with Emily again that night. Good fun all around.
Greg got too stoned to smoke up with me the next day (hahaha) so our plans were postponed indefinitely. I went to the Pepper Jack Cafe that night (15th). Picastro couldn't make it because of the stupid snow, boo. I had some pretty awesome garlic bread, ha. Alive & Living were super pretty though. So so pretty. And Great Lake Swimmers were overwhelming, as per usual. Tony played his Joni Mitchell cover again. So good, gosh. I made it to the last bus in just enough time that night...phew.
I had an appointment the next day, a few hours before work. Pointless, hahaha...
I went to the Casbah that night (16th) for Sonic Unyon's Christmas party show. Sooo much fun. I got there to see Sailboats Are White's last few songs. They're messy boys, hahaha. Cursed played after that. That was the first time I've ever seen them: gosh those boys are talented. Don Vail played next, and were pretty as usual. Then I FINALLY broke my curse with A Northern Chorus!!! They were incredible.
...At that point, I think, I snuck down to the lounge. Jon Rae was playing a solo set. I had asked him earlier in the night if he'd be playing his song Two Hands, and he said he probably would. I told him I'd really like it if he did, 'cause it was my favorite of his, and I knew most of the words, and I wanted to sing along with him. He said that'd be great, and that he really would play it.
So I got there in the middle of one of his songs, and then someone asked him to play Two Hands. I didn't miss it! Actually, partway through the song I just started singing really loud, even though I was shy at first. I even got the whole room clapping along. Since it was getting louder and livelier, about halfway through, he unplugged his guitar and just went for it. He faced me, and we really played with harmonies and shit. Broke my heart in the BEST way. I got SO SCARED! But then I was like, fuck it, who cares...so I belted it out along with him. Ugh it was so awesome. So much fun! What a huge voice, gosh...
I still caught Alive & Living, after that. Seeing them two nights in a row was really nice. The Inflation Kills played after that...but not for long, pooh. Stupid crowd, and stupid sickness in Phil's body, and stupid...crowd, baw. At least I could still get some water at that point.
I worked with Jen on the 17th, wee! Weird shift though, hahaha. "Christmas rush" my butt. Hah.
I joined Erica and Allison, and their friend (whose name is currently escaping me...argh) on a trip to Slainte. It was weird - I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to go out that night, but then I realized that I could afford to..I finally had time to have fun. So I went...but sometime after getting there, I broke down. Nothing particularly sparked it; so strange. I had to go home though, I definitely couldn't stay. I cried the whole way home too. I dunno. I don't think I'll ever figure out what happened. The short time I spent with them, though, was definitely fun.
The next day (18th) Steve planned a surprise birthday party for his brother (and my friend, ha) Bryan, at Boston Pizza. Everyone met up there, and then Steve called home saying that he "wasn't feeling well" and needed to be picked up. Their parents drove out to Boston Pizza, bringing Bryan along so he would have to run in and find "sick" Steve. Ha. His expression was PRICELESS when he saw the longgg table full of us! Everyone was buying him shots, and since he had already had dinner at home (pooh) I bought him dessert instead. :) So much fun!
The next day I went shopping with Erica! It was good to FINALLY get to catch up with her. I bought myself a lot of Christmas presents, hah.
That night, Deryk came over and brought Almost Famous. Cute little movie. Good to finally meet him! Hahaha.
The next day (20th) I worked with Caitlin. She's a nice girl!
I opened the store the next day, and then rushed home. I wasn't at all ready to go home for the night, but I managed eventually. Mandi had a bit of a highschool reunion Christmas dinner at her house. Cindy and Tristan brought their kids with them...goshhh how time passes. I saw Ty! Yayayayay. Feleisha and Jeff were there, and so were Rae and Ashley, Shelley, obviously Mandi's mom and Egon, hahaha. Gosh, I'm definitely forgetting people, I know it. It was so awesome to see everyone, regardless. I got a touch drunk and ate too much, ha.
My uncle gave me a ride back to Hamilton...I was back here by 5am the next morning, UGH. There wasn't going to be anything keeping me from that get-together, though. :)
I worked with Jen that day (22nd). Another weirdo shift. Joe bought a bunch of DVDs...all of which I definitely resurfaced for him. Ha, lame. Anyway, he joined me here and we took some time catching up, some time hashing out ideas, as we usually do. It was good to spend time with him again.
Mike visited that night, for the first time in around a month. It was good to see him again! Glad we got to catch up before Christmas.
I had to open the store the next morning (23rd), boo. That night was Lisa's birthday. She had a potluck at her house, and then (after MUCH deliberation, hahaha) we ended up at Absinthe. I left a touch early, on account of the fact that I had to work the next day...all day. Argh.
Yep, working on Christmas Eve...good times. Well, it was fun overall, but I was way too anxious to get home. I hadn't been home in months...and that brief stop on the 21st didn't exactly feel like being home.
That night, though, was great. Michael and Diana lifted my spirits. My mom bought a couch! We're steps away from a full living room again, gosh. Dinner was hilarious - especially Michael loudly shouting "HEYYY...'top it." Ha, what a cute boy. GOSH I'VE MISSED HIM SO MUCHHH. I can't wait to see him in the shirt I got him, haha. Oh man, watching Michael opening presents was hilarious. Running him back and forth to my dad was pretty funny too. And Diana...gosh, that girl and her cute baby faces. Those kids make me so happy.
The next day was relaxed, and nice. As Christmas Day should be! As per usual, we had dinner at my aunt Mariya and uncle Stanley's house that day, along with their good friends. My aunt kinda forgot that I don't eat meat, again, so it was pretty tricky to hide the fact that I was upset. The cakes were fine by me though, hahaha. All in all, good times!
On Boxing Day, of course, we got to the mall (ahem, shortly after) nine. And, of course, the majority of stores weren't open until ten...lame. I FINALLY bought new jeans...I've worn the crotch right out of my favorite pair of jeans (that I got in grade 11, hah) so it was about time I got a new pair, hahaha. I also spent about A HUNDRED AND SIXTY DOLLARS AT LA SENZA LKABFNOLAJBN. Oh man. I'm definitely obsessed with buying underthings, aaah.
Later that day, my younger brother and I went to Simcoe. We stopped by Blockbuster to visit Perry (I brought him candy canes, yay!) and then we went to our annual family gathering at my aunt Teresa's house...and I actually saw a number of my family members this year. Gosh, it felt nice. Last year made me kinda sad, but this was so good. Aside from the awkward/uncomfortable moments, of course. But that's family, right? Living through those moments, and just loving.
Just loving.
That night I called around, and figured out that Scott went to Swazzee's. I went there, and looked for him right away, finding him shortly thereafter. He...walked me up to the bar right away, hah. So much alcohol in such a short span of time, oh boy. It was good to hang out with him again!
It was weird, though, to see so many familiar faces that night. I thought Pumpkinfest was weird, seeing so many faces from high school...but that night, I saw people from even EARLIER high school years! So so so strange.
Actually, I talked to Evan for the first time in ages! Apparently he didn't believe that it was me right away...and, apparently, others were asking him who he was talking to, and then didn't believe that it was me. Ha, good times. It was great to talk to him again. He's moved to Calgary! Gosh.
There's something I can't describe, neither properly nor sufficiently, about how it feels to talk to someone I used to have such a crush on. I was so young and immature, and he was that cute older boy. Ha. It sounds so silly to write about. And it was such a silly crush! I was all emo over him before it was all flippy black hair and shitty nautical star tattoos, bahaha. Wait, that's probably a bad analogy. Hah. I don't know. I'm glad that I saw him. Maybe I'll see him again, who knows?
I do know, though, that it felt really fucking awesome to know that I am where I am...
I am who I am...
and that I got here.
The next day (27th) I had an eye appointment...good times. I'm going to have green eyes soon, whoaaa lookout. Two seperate shades, at that! I came back to Hamilton that evening. Mike visited again, and brought a pizza this time, hahaha! It's been great to get to spend so much time with everybody lately, now that I can afford to do so.
I had to work on the 28th, and then again yesterday. After work, I felt weird about getting on the bus alone (I really need to shake that already), so I missed out on the party Mandy held at her apartment in Toronto. Pooh. I still had fun last night - Lisa and I went to Pepper Jack's to celebrate Jackson's birthday! So many hilarious pictures. So many AWESOME pictures! I remember very little details, beyond having fun. Hah. Neil Haverty sang to music he had on his iPod, through a phone. Badass. And...a band played. Hahaha shit...yep, good times. :)
And then I came home, and put on my new tank + undies set.
I went to bed sometime shortly thereafter.
I slept for a long, long time.
I've been lounging around the house all day. Eating whatever I want, as much as I want.
I'm still just wearing the set, ha.
Tomorrow I have to work. Nine to five...yeah, pretty lame.
I still don't exactly know what I'm doing to ring in the New Year. We'll see what happens, where I end up.
Psh. I'm going to go find a snack. And then I should go to bed, hah.
...I should make note, though.
While drinking in the tub the other day (ha), I realized something.
2005 was a year full of selfish assholes - some broke my heart, others used it.
So many people simply do not know what they want out of life.
I, however, do.
I've been pursuing it all along.
And as the years continue to pass, I'm still going to.
I've recently stopped giving apologies.
I've recently stopped giving explanations.
I am who I am - and I'm not going to try to ruin anybody along the way.
If you want to ruin yourselves, fine.
But know that if you hurt me along the way, I can hurt you harder.
And I will, I promise you that. If you do, then I will.
Treat me the way you want to be treated, because I'll always treat you that way.
You can't ask to be loved.
I wrote it well over a year ago, and it still rings true.
And, a year later, I made it.
I made it.
...And I'm still fucking finding baby smiles. Who would've thought?
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