February 1st I had a number of rehearsals, a number of classes; February 2nd looked very much the same.
On the 3rd, I had rehearsals all morning, and then work all evening. I was too tired to go to a show that night...bah.
The next day, I worked all day.
The 5th was finally the beginning of tech week for the play I stage managed.
The following week centred around my stage management duties. If I wasn't in class, I was probably in the theatre, or running my ass around campus to get everything ready on time.
And, I nearly lost my brain.
...And because of how stressed I became, I actually began a brief stint with SMOKING! Ugh! I'd like to stay partially accustomed to it, as the play I'm acting in (coming up soon) requires me to smoke - and I hate when people inhale unlit cigarettes onstage, good glory - but these occasional affairs with tobacco have to stop. It's making me feel like shit.
Anyway.
I didn't work again until the 9th. Stupid bank account. I hate that I'm burdening my coworkers.
On the 10th, I had another rehearsal for the play I'm acting in. It didn't go perfectly, but it looks damned promising. I'm pretty excited for it. Also that day, we had two performances for the play I stage managed.
The next day (the 11th), I woke up very early, nearly collapsing...and had a major breakdown.
My heart knows what isn't right.
Julie Ella helped put a few pieces back into their right spots, though. I can't thank her enough...I don't think I realize just how valuable her friendship is to me, sometimes. Goodness.
That night was the final performance requiring my stage management duties.
It's over, it's over, it's over.
Prior to the cast party, I joined Juliana, her friend, and Monica, for a drive-and-smoke. Good times. After MUCH driving back and forth to an empty-looking house, we dropped Monica off at home, as she had a long day ahead of her. We finally approached the house later on, and realized that the party was in fact there! The blinds suggested otherwise, hah. I remember Juli and her lady leaving after only a short while - stupid clocks, why must you exist? I drank an entire bottle of red wine, and apparently was carrying the empty bottle around for a while, calling it "my trophy." I smoked more later. Michael, who's in As You Like It with me, offered a seat in his cab to me, even though I didn't have any money for it - and my house is DEFINITELY not en route to his. He said I could just buy him a beer sometime to make up for it, and I think I shall.
In the end, I finally felt relaxed again.
So nice.
The next day (the 12th), I went to campus to see Monica in the Vagina Monologues. She was WAY too funny. Anjie was amazing in it too. It was a really long show, but above all, very well done.
On the 13th, I scrambled like crazy to finish my SOCS rep application form following my first of two classes for the day. I did it! My audition is on Friday, and I still haven't decided what to do for it, hm...
Yesterday, I worked in the morning. Lisa came to visit, and she shared pizza with me - so nice of her. Jen told stories about her visit to the doctor, and I pretended to be her unborn baby's voice, hahaha.
I had a midterm that afternoon. We were given an hour to write it; I was done after about 20 minutes, heh. Then I had night class. I left early 'cause I fell asleep during the first half of the lecture, bah.
Miranda was waiting outside for Monica and I. We travelled to my house, and then started walking in the direction of Matt's house to meet up with him. Then we went to Snooty. I got superdrunk. I danced. I managed to get a boy to get up and dance with me for a bit, hahaha. I also sang Wish You Were Here with the guy that was playing acoustic all night, so that was extra fun.
And it's odd - since school started, I've actively picked up any bit of change I've seen on the ground. I decided to do an experiment, of sorts...I don't even know why. Any money I found, I started to save in a shot glass, but then I had to transfer it to a plastic rainbow-colored slinky on my desk. And as Matt and I walked Monica home from last night, I found a five dollar bill. Gosh.
Afterward, Matt walked me home, and I went straight to bed.
I got just over eight hours of sleep last night...so nice. So needed. I had rehearsal for a couple hours today, and then I had class all evening. I'll be napping shortly. Then I'll be pulling an all-nighter to just hammer out a take-home midterm that's one whole week past due, now.
These past few weeks have been so ridiculously trying.
I'm always so pressed for time, always travelling to the next place I have to be; rarely having time to stop, or to reflect.
When I take a mere moment to do so, it's always vague, always cryptic...
Not now.
Well, not as greatly, at least.
be careful...
forward!
onward!
Many months ago, I realized I was in love with a boy.
I've always been so skeptical of relationships in so many different ways. Marriage, that it may be a cloudy union. Mere dating, that it may be baseless or pointless. And so it goes.
certainly
promise
definitely
This skepticism roots itself in the fear that I will be trapped in a loveless relationship. But how can you be trapped if you're avoiding relationships entirely? You can't.
So I kept my mouth shut.
three weeks...
Before it even happened, I was given a reason to shy away from it. ['Our faiths are not the same.' 'I can't.' 'I'm sorry.']
Same lyrics, different artists. Melody, harmony.
Distances extended until almost complete absences were drawn.
My heart started to say something.
Then, a return.
I kept my mouth shut for months.
I tried to distract myself on frivolous connections.
Distractions provide no permanence, it seems.
No more, I said...
I don't know if that's true.
I acknowledged what was there, and what was not.
I still don't know how to express how truly thankful I was to have what I had.
It became easier to simply ignore what I could never say.
distance - don't think
it really is better, it really is okay
it isn't the same,
minds just won't change
but there's nothing wrong with what is there
when you know what is, what isn't,
and know the distance between the two.
One innocent moment -
[You're so beautiful...I can see you all at once...you're so close, and you're so beautiful.]
...Did you just hesitate?
Did you just try to respond?
Don't hesitate. Don't respond. Don't let him feel oncoming tears.
It is what it is, and nothing more. He knows that. You do, too.
Nothing more.
As time passed, disregard took less active thought to occur.
It became natural to ignore what couldn't be said - what shouldn't be said.
Calling back so suddenly, one night.
One long phone conversation reminded a heart of everything it was fighting to forget about.
Suddenly, words were not about what was, but what should have been.
More distance set; more absences drawn.
Time passing, stumbling to keep up.
Then...another return.
I knew not to read anything into it - it happened once before, after all. It was what it was, and nothing more.
Then, somewhere along the line, I realized exactly where I stood...and I was happy.
My heart was so thankful that I figured it out.
I finally knew I was pursuing honest intentions, and that I could continue to do so.
Through this realization, though, came an even scarier one.
Smiling, warmth, respect...it all started to cancel out.
I was keeping my mouth shut.
I had realized that a moment came, and a moment was shared;
a moment passed, and a moment was disregarded.
One moment missed means so much.
I still had to tread carefully - so ready, yet so skeptical, so fearful...
Tears turning into giggles,
sharing secrets, smiles.
In my heart, I had to acknowledge what was - but also, what should have been.
Then I realized that there was simply nothing I could do.
Faces only tolerable in shadows; memorizing lines and creases with fingertips.
That blurry sort of dizzy feeling.
That sense of imploding.
Feelings one never needs.
So many secrets, piled up in one heart,
only stacking up higher, higher.
I will annoy you; I will frustrate you; I will piss you off;
I will do whatever it takes to push you out of my life forever -
because I can't just stand by,
and watch you date other girls,
watch you fall in love with another girl...
My heart simply cannot take it.
And, if I stay, nothing changes for you.
Nothing will truly change in your heart, if I stay -
because your perspective has been steady, all along,
and my presence marks no loss.
[I won't let you push me away...you can try, but I won't let you.]
Watch me.
Like a mantra, telling myself I'd make it;
the risk of implosion deep-seated like scars,
daily doses of awareness - you can't ignore this, now...
Unfortunate information manifesting in cowardly manners.
Implode, explode - the calm after the storm.
Hearts seem to have surrendered themselves elsewhere.
He has moved on.
Then, of course, coincidence strikes - and eyes meet across rooms.
He was there, with a housemate.
He saw my eyes, but he really should've seen what happened beneath my ribs. Sometimes, eyes can distort the greater picture.
I don't know how to fix how I feel.
I should have given greater regard to Rahim's words when he shared them with me, months ago:
Here's a universal truth that has seen me through 31 years of hearing this from women countless times (like I heard it when I was five, I know, but you get the point...)
You can have the greatest chemistry in all things with a man (like you seemingly have with this individual...)
But under no circumstances should you let yourself mourn someone who does not fully surrender to you. I can understand why, and it should hurt, and you've got to cry and process it out whatever way serves you (I dance and write things into oblivion, for example...)
I am so tired of guys (because guys only do it in my immediate experience) who, when faced with the true reality (I believe in a god that wants us to surrender to our earthly desires btw - someone should write a bible with that in mind...)
When faced with something that will absolutely love them...
I am so tired of guys who will turn away from that.
You don't deserve ambiguity. I don't need to know you to know you're beautiful, intelligent, and passionate.
If someone, even for a moment, hesitates, then they are not anything of permanence (if permanence is what you want, but even then, that hesitation will show up in everything else eventually...)
The ONLY lover anyone should fully surrender to is someone who will surrender to you, and I know it's tough, and I know you're hurting and you have a lot of pain to endure, no doubt, over this.
But he's not the one, and the world is full of lovers dying to know someone like you.
And the sooner you let him go, the sooner you open your heart to that possibility.
But you will have to let him go.
Perhaps he'll find his way back to you, but if he does, he better act like the warrior you are.
Yes, he was so intertwined with you in so many wonderful ways, but not in the way that truly counted.
His heart was elsewhere.
A real man sees a girl like you and forgets about god, or the universe, or whatever.
It only should be you.
So mourn whatever you have to mourn, but girlfriend, this was just an exercise for what is to come.
And what is to come will be far beyond anything you experienced in this.
Surrender to THAT.
...But I didn't.
In the wake of this, will I? Well, I'll sure try.
He left before I sang last night.
It's odd...whenever life seems to get more difficult, more trying, I find larger amounts of money. Every single time things get tougher, the bits of change I find are so much greater in value - the few quarters I found as tech week got progressively hectic, for example.
I found a five dollar bill last night.
Many months ago, I realized I was in love with a boy.
I kept my mouth shut.
I should've kept it shut, changed my mind.
It wouldn't have ever changed anything, anyway.
I may not be able to teach my heart how to let go, at least not now. But at least it's becoming easier for me to ignore what I find painful.
So maybe I won't annoy, or frustrate, or piss him off...
But maybe I'll pull away, instead of pushing.
Maybe I can become invisible.
I said I would...it's happening now.
Watch me.
I saw something happen before he left last night.
I caught a quick glance of it in a mirror.
...It doesn't even matter, now.
